getting over him when everything reminds me of him

Hi all,

I honestly just feel like I need to vent. As I am on winter break, I have a lot of time to think and I think I am going to go see a therapist when I get back. I have been NC, but I stupidly contacted my ex again and everything came flooding back. Basically, I was in a two year "relationship" but it was toxic. As I look back on it, I see that all he really wanted from me was sex, but I fell for him because he told me he loved me and he was really my first love. We broke up about 6 months into it, with him saying he wanted to be "friends with benefits," because I kept bugging him about how he NEVER took me on a date...but he went to movies with other girls, even went as far as to go out on valentine's day with another girl. However, he kept acting like it was a relationship, still kept using me for sex, getting mad about other guys, etc. next year I tried using other guys to get over him (not healthy at all, I realize and I stopped this). However, he would block me for weeks, then find out about me talking to another guy and come back, yelling at me, calling me a for being with other guys. He told me he didn't want me except for sex. This year came, and he slept with another girl, but was also trying to get me to sleep with him which I, stupidly, did. I knew I wanted a relationship, he knew that, and he kept telling me he couldn't give me that yet he kept trying to have sex with me every so often. He tried to tell me he would just sleep with me, but then goes on to tell me I wasn't "pretty enough" for him and if a prettier girl came along wanting to have sex, he would have sex with her no problem. That was the final straw. I should have ended it so long ago, but my self esteem has always been an issue. I also still have feelings for him, and I honestly do not know why I still do. Mostly because of him, because he never took me out in public, never took pictures with me, and I see pictures of him with girls all the time and he goes out with them all the time. He is a huge flirt, and I did not know this until I was really in love with him.

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I am finally going no contact. Whenever he told m he was done, he seems to find his way back into my life in about a month when I am getting happy again, but no more with this cycle.

I have been in this cycle for almost a year and a half, so I always think "he'll come around in a month, maybe he will have changed and want me, because he knows I want a relationship." I know this is not the case, and I am so ready to move on with my life and be over him, because I know he does not care about me. My self esteem is honestly terrible after this, because I keep wondering what other girls had that I did not have...I constantly compare myself to the girls he thinks are "pretty enough" to be seen with. Is it just simple non contact? How do I stick with that for good?

I am sorry, I feel as if I am throwing myself a pity party, because it is my fault for accepting this behavior. I just honestly am not sure what to do, and am looking for advice from people with more experience as this is my first one. I have finally gotten to the point of wanting to get over him, to heal myself and get my self esteem back, but I don't know how to start aside from no contact.

Bad people do bad things, they dont need a reason.

I think you have to shed this guilt. I have read your posts and you said in one that you "Cheated" on him. Im going to tell you the truth...

He never saw you and him as being in a "relationship" You might have, but he didnt. You said he never took you out on dates or did anything that resembles a relationship. He only used you for sex. Thats all you were.

I think you are still in love with the fantasy of being with him. Its not going to happen. He doesnt see you that way and if hasnt seen it in 2 years he is never going to see you in that way. So in reality you have done nothing wrong other than stay in this imaginary relationship. So instead of trying to figure out what went wrong, why dont you tell him to have a nice life and hold your head up high because he is never going to find someone who physically turns him on like you. And he will miss out on that. He doesnt want you for your personality, your mind, or your thoughts and views.. just sex..

Why dont you find someone that is willing to devote to you 100% not just 25%?

You asked what you should do other than no contact... First thing is first.. admit that its over. Thats the hardest part. Say its over and you are better off for this. This is the best thing you can do. Then you delete his number, emails, texts, you get rid of everything that reminds you of him. Lean on your friends and family and stay busy and stay positive. You are gorgeous, sexy, smart, outgoing and you can attract men. To gain your esteem you just need to do simple things every day.. just say hi to someone and smile and get a smile back. You dont get over someone or gain your esteem in one day. Its thru progress. Know and believe you are going to be just fine and see what happens. You can do this

The idea behind no contact is to help you heal, and move forward. It's not going to be easy, but you have to recognize that by contacting and communicating with him, you're causing yourself an incredible amount of stress. By accepting his behavior for an extensive period of time, you've let him know that you're okay with his behavior. I would suggest you spend your winter break doing positive actions, for example exercising and journaling. Focus on things you enjoy, and try and learn new things as well. The break would be a good time to catch up on some reading that is hard to do during the school semester, or to learn something new, like a foreign language.

Exercising will help relieve stress, and help you improve upon your self-esteem issues, in addition to providing you with physical benefits. If possible, try and join a local gym in your area. Secondly, journaling will help you organize your thoughts and feelings, and is something tangible. In other words, you'll be able to measure your progress by reading past entries and comparing with how you currently feel.

You've really got to put forth your best effort to get over him, and I know its easier said than done. Yes, you really cared about him, but you've also recognized that this guy was only interested in you sexually. You need to understand that he isn't going to magically change, he wants sex, and sex only. Get rid of his number, delete contact info, change your ringtone etc... Avoid seeing him, and concentrate on yourself. I would not recommended dating anyone new yet. You need to focus on putting this behind you, and improving your self-esteem.

You guys were never in a relationship, and you're right, he only used you for sex. He never took you out, even in the first six months? Have you gone on any dates prior to this guy?

What do you love about this guy?

He will never want a relationship with you, as he does not care about you or respect you.

"I wasn't "pretty enough" for him and if a prettier girl came along wanting to have sex, he would have sex with her no problem" This is cruel!

You need to block and delete this creep. Please do seek out counseling upon your return. You need to understand why you allowed yourself to be in this situation.

I suggest you get involved with new activities: Meet ups, school clubs, dancing, yoga, volunteering etc.... Keep yourself busy, it was a lifesaver for me. If you are interesting in the volunteering, it takes the focus off of you, and puts it on others. it is also fun and quite rewarding. Time to make some positive changes in your life.

He was my first relationship...we met through a mutual friend and he was calling me his girlfriend and telling me he loved me before I even knew how I felt about him. We hung out almost every night/day, but yeah we never went on an actual "date." I guess it was weird how we met, because we texted for a while before actually meeting.

I never went on dates before him...I always seem to only be good enough for a hookup, never to date.

and STILL after all of this, he acts like he cares what guy I am seeing. I happened to run into him the other day and he confronted me about how I was seeing other guys, asking who it was...yet claiming he didn't care what I was doing, wanted no part of me...asked me to hook up about a week later.

I also feel like I kept going back because I didn't want another girl to have him...I still struggle with the idea of him with another girl...and I don't know how that is possible with how awful he treated me.

and STILL after all of this, he acts like he cares what guy I am seeing. I happened to run into him the other day and he confronted me about how I was seeing other guys, asking who it was...yet claiming he didn't care what I was doing, wanted no part of me...asked me to hook up about a week later.

He doesn't care, he simply does not want to lose the sex he is is getting from you. If he cared he would never have treated you like this and kept you a secret.

Why are you talking to him?

I also feel like I kept going back because I didn't want another girl to have him...I still struggle with the idea of him with another girl...and I don't know how that is possible with how awful he treated me.

You never had him. You shared him with many.

He was my first relationship...we met through a mutual friend and he was calling me his girlfriend and telling me he loved me before I even knew how I felt about him. We hung out almost every night/day, but yeah we never went on an actual "date." I guess it was weird how we met, because we texted for a while before actually meeting.

 

I never went on dates before him...I always seem to only be good enough for a hookup, never to date.

First red flag was telling you he loved you without knowing you. Don't you think if he loved you he would introduced you to friends and family? Second, never taking you out, or incorporating you into his life - you do not have a relationship in the bedroom.

You should not be sleeping with people that are not taking you out, and I mean for a while. You need to get to know them. If a guy is telling you he loves you so soon, he is trying to get in your pants.

You know that this is messed up, but are still trying to convince yourself he may come around. His actions clearly demonstrate he's a jerk and only wants sex.

I hope you cut this off immediately. If you continue to engage, then this us on you. Don't you think it is time to take care and respect yourself, as this guy does not!

You will do great with these excellent insights and first steps to healing. Think of this as a "training relationship". Where you take the course for a while learn stuff then go to the next level.

it is my fault for accepting this behavior. I just honestly am not sure what to do, and am looking for advice from people with more experience as this is my first one. I have finally gotten to the point of wanting to get over him, to heal myself and get my self esteem back, but I don't know how to start aside from no contact.

It sounds like he is exhibiting a lot of narcissistic behavior. It is all about him.

He likes having you and knowing he can have you for sex, when he wants, on his terms, but he shows no signs of giving you any real commitment or taking you out on dates.

If he "loved" you, he would be committing to you and taking you on dates. You need to understand this. Actions speak louder than words; he can say a lot of things, but if he isn't backing up those words with actions, his words are useless...and you are hanging onto them, because you have strong feelings for him.

He can still get jealous of other guys, but that doesn't mean he will commit or even love you.

Don't worry about comparing yourself to other girls; you may never know what this guy truly wants.

You need to stay strong with no contact. I know it is easier said than done. I went back and forth with my ex over a year and half, and it only ended up hurting me more. I just recently started no contact, and I am beginning to really heal.

No contact is a challenging time because you really need to do an "emotional overhaul." You need to think positive. Exercise. Pick up at least one or two new hobbies. Meetup.com is a great way to find people who have similar hobbies/interests as you.

Eventually, when you are ready, go out on dates.

Journal. Write down how you are feeling, and try to write some positive stuff as well.

Read self-help books and seek counseling. Change your routine, so your life feels refreshed and new and you don't get stuck in your old pattern of thinking.

Every time you think of your ex, switch those feelings off, and think of a positive experience or good memory...not involving your ex.

No contact is an active period in your life; you have to actively control your thoughts and take action. I know you have been hurt by this guy, but you need to stop allowing that. Maybe, then, he will actually respect you, and you will be attractive to a lot of people.

Yes, I am cutting it off. I had for a while, then I happened to see him on campus where he confronted me about what guy I was seeing, asking me to hook up with him later. I understand the need to cut it off, and I honestly don't know why I have struggled with it so much. I think this is where seeing a therapist may really help me. I have blocked every form of contact from him, and am hoping that will help me heal.

He always told me, even though he didn't take me out, that he was faithful and I will never find that in another guy. He never saw the issue with keeping me a secret and going out with other girls, because in his eyes, he was faithful because he wasn't sleeping with them.

At least he told you he wasn't sleeping with them...

Even still, a "relationship" involves going out and having fun together. He should want to show you off!

Seeking out a therapist would definitely help keep you on track and help you realize why/how to cut this off. It isn't getting you anywhere and isn't making you happy.

You are just hoping that one day he will change and will be the guy you want him to be...that is unlikely to happen...especially if you do not change your situation and outlook as well.

I know, and every time I told him he just said "I don't have a car," which is true, but he could still take me to do things, I had a car and he said he didn't want to "use me..."

I had asked him why, and he just told me he would've taken me out if I had asked...I feel like that's something a guy that's interested in you should know about. I also asked PLENTY of times, and he would say "yeah, we'll do something Friday," and we never did. I am more angry at myself now, honestly, for allowing myself to be fooled by his words for so long.

Ok this for example, is another great lesson. If someone says "I don't want to use you". Run.

he said he didn't want to "use me..."

His name just popped up on my phone and I really just wanted to throw up...when does it all get better

Yes, I am cutting it off. I had for a while, then I happened to see him on campus where he confronted me about what guy I was seeing, asking me to hook up with him later. I understand the need to cut it off, and I honestly don't know why I have struggled with it so much. I think this is where seeing a therapist may really help me. I have blocked every form of contact from him, and am hoping that will help me heal.

 

He always told me, even though he didn't take me out, that he was faithful and I will never find that in another guy. He never saw the issue with keeping me a secret and going out with other girls, because in his eyes, he was faithful because he wasn't sleeping with them.

So, he took out other girls, just to take them out, but had no intention of having sex with them. I know that you cannot possibly believe this nonsense. Plus, he would not want to cut off his definite source of sex by telling you that he was screwing others! But, he kept you a secret and used you only for sex because he cared for you so much. He cannot possible believe that anyone is that stupid - I am not calling you stupid. I know that you know the truth, but feel so little for yourself that you choose to ignore the obvious.

His name just popped up on my phone and I really just wanted to throw up...when does it all get better

You said you had blocked him??????

You are right...I wanted to believe he was being faithful, I guess. But you are so right...I just honestly never thought he was the type of guy to lie so blatantly to my face but honestly I underestimated how far he would go to hurt me. Honestly, at the beginning of us talking one time I told him I didn't want to have sex with him, and he told me he would go find someone else to have sex with then....wow I should have cut it off right then. I can not believe how idiotic I was. There were also times I would tell him no to his advances and he would say "you're joking," and just continue pressuring me, then get mad at me when I was upset after. Everything, and I mean everything about this was wrong, but I thought I was so in love with him. Sorry I am venting now, but I keep remembering these ty things he has done and can not believe how stupid I was.

And I have blocked him. It was on this app, and I guess I get notifications when people I might know have joined the app...and his name popped up. Nothing major, I just really see his name and everything just comes back and I hate it.

It can be hard to look at things objectively when you have feelings for someone...but look at the way he treated you. You aren't getting anything fulfilling from that "relationship."

Things will remind you of him from time to time, but that is all part of it. Continue to move forward; it takes time, but with time, you will think about it less and less. You need to control your thoughts as well. You need to actively focus on the good things you have in your life and the positives. Focusing on him and what he is doing will just drain you.

You are right...I wanted to believe he was being faithful, I guess. But you are so right...I just honestly never thought he was the type of guy to lie so blatantly to my face but honestly I underestimated how far he would go to hurt me. Honestly, at the beginning of us talking one time I told him I didn't want to have sex with him, and he told me he would go find someone else to have sex with then....wow I should have cut it off right then. I can not believe how idiotic I was. There were also times I would tell him no to his advances and he would say "you're joking," and just continue pressuring me, then get mad at me when I was upset after. Everything, and I mean everything about this was wrong, but I thought I was so in love with him. Sorry I am venting now, but I keep remembering these ty things he has done and can not believe how stupid I was.

 

And I have blocked him. It was on this app, and I guess I get notifications when people I might know have joined the app...and his name popped up. Nothing major, I just really see his name and everything just comes back and I hate it.

We've all been involved in relationships we are not proud of The key is is learn and grow, and most importantly understand why you did what you did, so that you do not repeat with him, or another.

I just can't get over why I wasn't good enough for him...why every other girl he had no problem going in public with, telling people about...but he just kept me a secret and used me for sex. Why wasn't I good enough

I think you should address why you would want someone that treats you like this?

You set the stage by starting this relationship in the bedroom. You should never have your dates at home unless you have been dating in public and are ready to have sex. You made this very easy for him. You showed him you did not value yourself enough by requiring proper dates.

If you do not show yourself respect then no one else will.

I don't understand why you had your first date at home????

Sadly, through this experience now you know what a player and first class jerk act like so he is the poster child for what to avoid while dating. Don't beat yourself up over it.

one time I told him I didn't want to have sex with him, and he told me he would go find someone else to have sex with then....wow I should have cut it off right then. There were also times I would tell him no to his advances and he would say "you're joking," and just continue pressuring me, then get mad at me when I was upset after.