Feeling for a FWB

My ex husband moved out for the second and last time on April 30th. Our marriage had become miserable. He was controlling and selfish. I was sexually starved and lonely amongst other things. I tried for a few months to find a fwb. I got men who lied and played games. Ok. No worries. So, frustrated and still lonely, I devoted myself to my faith and quit. I got online out of boredom and stumbled upon Will ( not his real name ). Will was kind, patient, gentle, funny, and amazing in bed. He was teaching me things about my body. I never knew sex could be so good. I started noticing the cute things he would do like walk into my place and get in the bed while I was in the shower. He would sit and pet my dog in the living room. He'd listen to me when I talked about work and also tell me about his life. I started to want to know him more.

Will told me the first day we met. I'm done getting married I'm done having babies. Hes two for two. Two kids and two divorces. I'd like to get remarried and I'd like to have a baby. For a month all I could think about was the status of our relationship. Fwb, no kids, no potential for marriage. All the while falling for him. Sex became emotional for me. I felt silly for liking him so much. So last Friday, I ended it.

I miss him. I want him back. I know its unhealthy. I'd like to be better. I'm trying as hard as I can.

It's ok to enjoy your freedom after divorce and get your needs filled. Each experience can be fun and educational as you settle down and heal.

Do not strive to instantly restore "being married". Date for a while until you find people on the same page.

I got online out of boredom and stumbled upon Will. I never knew sex could be so good. I'd like to get remarried and I'd like to have a baby. Fwb, no kids, no potential for marriage. All the while falling for him. Sex became emotional for me. So last Friday, I ended it.

What do you think his response would be if you told him you had real feelings for him??

Seems kind of unfair to just end it without giving the guy a chance to consider your feelings.

It's ok to enjoy your freedom after divorce and get your needs filled. Each experience can be fun and educational as you settle down and heal.

 

Do not strive to instantly restore "being married". Date for a while until you find people on the same page.

You're right.

What do you think his response would be if you told him you had real feelings for him??

 

Seems kind of unfair to just end it without giving the guy a chance to consider your feelings.

Hey! Thanks for replying! I left something out. We texted about feelings and mixed messages. He said, " I have no feelings or mixed messages, and I don't want to send any". So I ended it. Its true I never told him how I felt but it was clear he wasn't feeling the same and rejection was on the way....It was the best I could do.

What do you think his response would be if you told him you had real feelings for him??

 

Seems kind of unfair to just end it without giving the guy a chance to consider your feelings.

Yeah I was thinking this as well. Has he tried to contact you since you ended it? Maybe you should consider having a conversation with him about your feelings. It's not like you really have anything to lose since you were only FWBs to begin with...

Hey! Thanks for replying! I left something out. We texted about feelings and mixed messages. He said, " I have no feelings or mixed messages, and I don't want to send any". So I ended it. Its true I never told him how I felt but it was clear he wasn't feeling the same and rejection was on the way....It was the best I could do.

Ahh ok, nevermind then.

Yeah I was thinking this as well. Has he tried to contact you since you ended it? Maybe you should consider having a conversation with him about your feelings. It's not like you really have anything to lose since you were only FWBs to begin with...

He hasn't tried to contact me at all. When I told him that I should stop seeing him he gave me this: " Oh It is good ( the sex ) but I understand if you don't want to continue ". Felt like he wasn't protesting! Lol. Its sort of funny now. He's 10 years older than me so I'm sure he knows what he wants and would've protested if he wanted to. I even cried in that car lol. Not all out boo hooing but it stung. But in the grand scheme of things nothing EVER hurt as much as my ex-husband leaving me so, I'm alright.

This is fine. It sounds like it was understood as fwb/hookups and when you decided you wanted more you pulled the plug. Nothing wrong with that.

He will go back online and find plenty of women for casual sex and hookups. You don't "break up" with hookups anyway.

You however would be wiser to take a break and then start dating for the sake of an eventual relationship if casual sex leaves you "crying in that car".

You are far from over your ex, so take it slow because these casual sex debacles will leave you raw ...if you let them.

It is good ( the sex ) but I understand if you don't want to continue ".

He hasn't tried to contact me at all. When I told him that I should stop seeing him he gave me this: " Oh It is good ( the sex ) but I understand if you don't want to continue ". Felt like he wasn't protesting! Lol. Its sort of funny now. He's 10 years older than me so I'm sure he knows what he wants and would've protested if he wanted to. I even cried in that car lol. Not all out boo hooing but it stung. But in the grand scheme of things nothing EVER hurt as much as my ex-husband leaving me so, I'm alright.

I'm sorry it didn't work out. You have my sympathy. I know it might feel rotten now but I honestly believe that these things happen for a reason, and that reason is "this man just wasn't the one". I don't know if I believe in the idea of "the one" per say (I think there are many potential "ones"), but if the one does exist then I can say for certain that you just haven't met him yet. One thing I know for sure: you WILL find him (or he will find you). I promise. It's just a matter of time. One day in the future you'll be looking back to this point and wonder why you ever got so worked up over some guy who clearly wasn't right for you. Be patient, the right one out there.

why dont you spend some time.. on your own for a while and get over these break ups?

From failed marriage.. onto variety of men.. then to a fwb.. all in one year.

To even think of your Fwb in a sense of so much more as in marriage etc.. is a little too much! Heck, you're still dealing with a failed marriage etc.. are you not?

Why do you think you're thinking this way.. at this time of your Life??

Slow things down....

Reduce expectations of whom you meet a little, in the future. Don't 'push' your wants/expectations so quickly upon anyone.

You had not idea if you two were the least bit compatible.. with just short time you were involved... for sex.

why dont you spend some time.. on your own for a while and get over these break ups?

From failed marriage.. onto variety of men.. then to a fwb.. all in one year.

 

To even think of your Fwb in a sense of so much more as in marriage etc.. is a little too much! Heck, you're still dealing with a failed marriage etc.. are you not?

 

Why do you think you're thinking this way.. at this time of your Life??

 

Slow things down....

 

Reduce expectations of whom you meet a little, in the future. Don't 'push' your wants/expectations so quickly upon anyone.

You had not idea if you two were the least bit compatible.. with just short time you were involved... for sex.

I appreciate your comments. When we started this I wasn't looking for anything but sex. I went in with my eyes open. I'm not delusional. Also, my marriage wasn't a failure. It just sucked. And I tried to save it. So yeah, I know I need a break.

So, I should clarify. When I went into this I only wanted sex. I wasn't looking to get remarried or start a serious relationship. I just couldn't help liking him after sleeping with him on s regular basis for 3 months. Even now although I'd like something that has the potential of marriage and a kid one day, I'm not out on the hunt. I didn't propose to him or push me feelings onto him. I simply said I needed to stop seeing him.

Will told me the first day we met. I'm done getting married I'm done having babies.

This pretty much told you everything you need to know about this guy from the get-go. This is not a potential life partner who wants what you want at all. He simply signed up for no-strings sex.

You need to understand this probably isn't some grand romance so much as you still in the growing pains of coming out of a relationship and not yet having fully learned how to be comfortable just being on your own and taking the time to find someone who wants the same things you do in life. It's pretty normal BTW, what happened. I had a few misstarts after my divorce when I was convinced I must find love again, and quickly. And I got hurt a few times.

It did get better once I started to enjoy living by myself and taking the time to really put my own life together and learn what it was I truly wanted in a relationship beyond just "I don't want to be lonely," or "I want someone to come home to."

You will get there too. You were smart to end things and walk away before you got more hurt, but yes it is still human nature not to feel a bit bad things didn't work out the way you hoped they would. But go back and read your own post, this thing had an expiration date on it from day one and he was very upfront about what he wants - no wife, no kids, period. His later comments show he hasn't changed his mind on that, so nope.

Tell yourself it's time to go back to the drawing board, and maybe work on dating in general and just taking it slowly. Block and delete him, grieve, then get back out there and go accomplish something for yourself that has nothing to do with men or relationships. You'll feel fabulous and it will ground you more in the reality of the things you want and how to weed people out of your life quickly who do not match that.

I'd like to get remarried and I'd like to have a baby.

FWB isn't the way to go about that, and I think you've figured that out.

Neediness and loneliness are lousy drivers in choosing relationships. They'll keep you focused on getting into someone's arms for short term gains, only to figure out the kind of mess you're in after you're already in it.

I'd skip that. I'd work with a lawyer to complete my divorce and a therapist to help me learn how to deal with the grief and the fallout on my own. I'd invest the next year into getting my life on track, socially, financially, spiritually, creatively. I'd avoid leapfrogging from my marriage to other guys, and I'd grow myself into solidity and comfort with flying solo. From there, I'll have built the right platform for all else, and I'll be entering the dating world with clarity about what I want and specific goals that I can lay out on the table, up front, and screen out anyone who's not dating for the same reasons as me.

Then I'd 'quick meet' lots of men. A 10 or 15 minute cup of coffee to check one another out. No online fantasy-building, no investing in pseudo relationships via phone and text prior to even meeting, and no sex that bonds me emotionally before I've even learned who, exactly, I'll want to bond with. Just an online app to screen for potential dates, then a quick coffee with an understanding that most people are NOT our match. Rules are that neither can ask the other for a real date on the spot, but either can contact the other afterward. If the answer is yes, the other responds, if the answer is no, then no response is necessary. That takes the squirmy rejection stuff off the table and avoids investing entire evenings dating men you could have known in 5 minutes were not good matches for you.

Spend the time and focus to learn how to build yourself UP from the inside out, and then embrace your inner screener.

Head high, you can do this.