I'm feeling really down (just venting)

I came crashing down from what seemed to feel like some sort of normalcy yesterday. My situation is not normal, it's toxic and painful, but still it's not all that bad compared to others, and I really shouldn't be complaining. As many of you already know, I live with my ex-boyfriend, and we've been carrying on a form of a pseudo-relationship in the meantime. Our relationship was toxic, some parts happy, but riddled with codependency, trust issues, control and much more. I have already forgiven him for the things I perceived as wrongs against me in our relationship, but haven't yet forgotten, and I'm unable to regain full trust. I feel incomplete, like I don't know myself. Carl Jung says perfection is an unattainable goal and that we should strive for completeness instead. I don't know what completeness means for me, but something deep inside tells me that I need to be alone to figure it out.

I have a hard time assigning negative attributes to others. I feel as though if there are negative problems, such as acting out, bad tempers, even cheating, that it stems from something troubling inside. I feel like it is my duty to help people overcome their demons. Maybe that's why I frequent this board. Regardless, because of that, I feel stunted in overcoming my own demons, which I am having trouble even fully identifying. Though the timing is poor, my ex says he doesn't want to be without me by his side. Sometimes I feel the same way, but more overwhelmingly, I feel I need to be alone. Everyone's telling me to rip the band-aid off. I've been approved for an apartment, I can put the deposit down on Monday, I'm afraid I won't.

On Tuesday my car broke down, it's in the shop now. This will set me back financially, as do the Lyft rides to and from work each day I don't have my car. I will lose my dog and my best friend when I finally do exit this relationship, which I can't seem to come to terms with. Yesterday was just an all around unpleasant day, starting with something as little as my dog misbehaving, to taking the car to the mechanic while it stalled over and over, to arriving at work late and having to skip lunch and stay late to make up for the time, to failing to remind my boss of an appointment that he missed because of it and got mad at me, to having a migraine. I went home to my ex who keeps calling me babe and telling me he loves me. I spurn his affection even though I could use a hug because I don't want to lead him on, he gets upset, now I could really use a hug. I cried in the bathroom. Later in the night, my ex prior to the one I live with now called me, needing someone to talk to, because he just left his wife. I tried to be there for him. Today, I've tried to explain to my ex for the billionth time that I just can't be with him right now, and that I do love him but love just isn't enough and he doesn't understand.

I'm not really asking for advice I guess. I think I just needed to type this all out so that I can get back to focusing on work, because right now what I want most is to write in my journal and sit in a dark room, but all I have is my computer screen and more work to do. If you read this, thanks.

Wow, I'm so sad for you. I know I shouldn't be saying that cuz you need to hear things like, it will all work out for the best, you'll see. When someone says that to me, I cringe. What the heck do you know {is what I think in my head]. Demons, you mentioned that. You know that we all have demons. Some are more persistent than others. I have mine too. Sometimes in our head we get so lost and loose our way. Your gut tells you that you need time alone. You should trust it. In order to think straight, sometimes we need to be alone, without the chatter or chaos of the outside world. There's enough in there without anymore going on. If you can and when you can, you should try and spend time alone. Everybody needs you, but you should take care of yourself first. Best of luck and be strong.

Typing it out does help so let it all out.

In this time of sadness and uncertainty you have to know you are strong enough to do this and that it is for the best. You are also very right that love is not enough, there is so much more to a healthy relationship.

Stay strong, things will improve when you are free and on your own.

Best wishes

Lost

Sorry to hear you're going through this. I know you're not looking for advice, but you're long overdue some, "Everyone, leave me the **** alone" time. I know that in your situation, that's easier said than done, if possible at all. Just rooting for you to get out on your own ASAP, even if not under the most financially comfortable circumstances.

I find myself nodding along about 95% of the time I read your posts, so you've definitely got your wits about you. It's actually kinda surprising reading where you are right now (I'm sure I've read before and forgotten). Once you've got the time and, more importantly, space to work yourself out, I know it'll be a cinch for you.

Good luck with everything, sincerely.

Agree with Jman that you are clearly a smart poster. I hope you can find the courage to get yourself out of this toxic situation.

Thank you everyone. I appreciate you guys, at least here I can feel somewhat understood and appreciated. I'm indebted to this forum! Wishing you all well!