Partner's ex visits my Facebook page every day!

I didn't think anything of this until I was checking my FB page the other day, and the friend I was with at the time asked "Do you think she's stalking you?" It hadn't occurred to me at all, but I'm now wondering if there might be more to it!

I've been with my current partner for over a year; he was still very friendly with an ex (who he'd been with, on and off, for about seventeen years) though they'd been split up for 3.5 years and they'd both had other relationships in that time. It didn't bother me, until I realised three months in that he hadn't mentioned me to her at all; when he did, she almost immediately started a relationship with someone else... and what worried me even more was how upset he was about it.

That blew over; as he put it: "I was just behaving like a little boy - I didn't want her, but I didn't want anyone else to have her either!" He's also stated repeatedly that if he'd wanted to reconcile with her, there had been loads of opportunities - but that it just wasn't going to happen.

From time to time, she would put very romantic images on his Facebook page - which I felt very uncomfortable with, and mentioned to him.

Since then, we've moved to different towns close to each other, but 200miles+ from our original location. I know they still keep in touch but I trust his intentions towards me - he's everything I'd want in a partner.

So here's the thing... I use my Facebook page primarily for keeping in touch with people I'm fond of but don't see very often, for business networking and sharing my artwork, and for sharing funny or profound things I've found online; there's nothing particularly personal in my posts. My partner doesn't really use FB at all these days.

His ex and I have never met, but I was willing to add her as a friend when she requested it; I have a very good relationship with my ex-husband's current wife and viewed this in a similar vein. She visits my page daily, "Likes" most of my posts and makes the occasional comment - always pleasant. I'm now wondering if her following me is a way of keeping in touch with him 'by proxy' - though I very rarely mention him.

Any thoughts?

Simple. Block her.

Oh yikes no. Block her. Agree she is stalking by proxy, kinda creepy.

His ex and I have never met, but I was willing to add her as a friend when she requested it. I'm now wondering if her following me is a way of keeping in touch with him 'by proxy'

You sound like a safe, secure, confident and positive person. If you block her all of a sudden, this may come off as too extreme of an action negating all these things. And be sure that this will for a while increase communication between this woman and your partner - "I don't know what I did to her, I've only been nice to her, and she blocked me." What do you think your partner will say to her? Ask him neutrally about what he thinks of her behaviour, you will get a clue.

Also, I believe no contact actions like blocking etc are best conducted as a couple from agreed couples boundaries, especially if there is an ex involved. If you as a couple believe that this woman is using your page to be in his emotional vicinity and if this is a problem for you as a couple, probably it is him who needs to block her/cut contact with her or something, not you. It is better that you both exhibit the same degree, style of distance or closeness. It is always advisable that couples build these boundaries together through open communication before acting out so whatever they choose to do makes both parties feel comfortable, valued, respected. Assuring each other about feelings is not the only criteria here - I also believe that at times it can become a behaviour that builds hierarchy in a relationship and boosts the ego of the assuring partner a bit but that's another issue. Ultimately though, assuring is oriented toward the inside of the relationship (our partner), couples boundaries about third parties are also about the outside (how we act toward other people). A happy medium between the two must be created, or one partner will probably be unhappy. So if you block her and prevent her from approaching him through you, how will you feel about them still having their separate channel of communication?

Also, what are your boundaries about communicating with third parties regardless of sex? For instance, my relationship principle is that in my individual communication, I don't say anything to a third party which I cannot comfortably say in front of my partner. Sure if I get pissed off with him I can vent to a friend but my partner will definitely know about the problem soon after this so that we get a chance to tackle it together. If I have resolved the issue, they will probably know about this, too. And this kind of talk doesn't happen with my exes. I expect the same from my partner. To me, this is an independent value, that will not change in an interdependent dynamic. Other things may be negotiatable but I know that this one is important for me.

Honestly, I don't believe that this woman needs you or your FB page to be in touch with him by proxy. I understand from your post that she can contact him whenever she wants basically and he is responding. I also think they may have a bond even if it's not built on just attraction. They have been in each other's lives on and off for almost two decades. Did they see other partners coming and going together? Did they get a "rescuer", confidante function for each other? These may be hard to break quickly and many feelings may be involved. Your boyfriend was possessive about this woman even when he had a relationship himself. It's good that he analyzed his feelings, evaluated what he was doing and feeling and shared his findings with you. How did he move forward from that point and what kind of new actions did he adopt? In comparison to this context spanning almost two years, your FB page can be something small in her world. Just satisfying her curiosity about every day life but not exactly building this bond. She may even be thinking this is normal after 17 years of on and off. She probably feels she possesses him, the way he felt he possessed her. When he realized this streak in him, did he create a new balance with her where she is required to be less possessive as well?

To me, this seems to be more about your boundaries that will make both of you more comfortable in the end.

In regards to this woman, if you don't like too much of her presence in your personal life, you can decrease FB talk with her gradually I think.

Do you know if this woman caused any problems in your partner's previous relationships? What is his perspective on them? How did he solve the problem?

Some interesting thoughts here, Zeino; I think I need to bring up the subject of boundaries with him. There's certainly an emotional bond there, as you say, not based on attraction - but that's natural given that they've so much shared history and it doesn't bother me per se. I think I'd feel more comfortable if we both had face-to-face contact with her, and it was all out in the open; either that, or he/we cut contact altogether. I didn't think anything of it until my friend mentioned it; heck, my FB page is meant to entertain; amongst other things I am a professional humorist, and I know a lot of people just visit it for a laugh! I'd feel very differently if it was detailing my personal life with him. It could just be that she enjoys the cartoons etc.

It's hard to say if she featured in his previous relationships, as they were both long distance, the contact was less frequent and it would have been easier to maintain a friendship with her without it impinging on them at all. She is also now apparently committed to her new man. Though, reading between the lines of things he's said about their relationship, she does have issues around boundaries. I don't feel she's a threat to our relationship though.

Yep... I need to talk to him about it...

Some interesting thoughts here, Zeino; I think I need to bring up the subject of boundaries with him. There's certainly an emotional bond there, as you say, not based on attraction - but that's natural given that they've so much shared history and it doesn't bother me per se. I think I'd feel more comfortable if we both had face-to-face contact with her, and it was all out in the open; either that, or he/we cut contact altogether. I didn't think anything of it until my friend mentioned it; heck, my FB page is meant to entertain; amongst other things I am a professional humorist, and I know a lot of people just visit it for a laugh! I'd feel very differently if it was detailing my personal life with him. It could just be that she enjoys the cartoons etc.

 

It's hard to say if she featured in his previous relationships, as they were both long distance, the contact was less frequent and it would have been easier to maintain a friendship with her without it impinging on them at all. She is also now apparently committed to her new man. Though, reading between the lines of things he's said about their relationship, she does have issues around boundaries. I don't feel she's a threat to our relationship though.

 

Yep... I need to talk to him about it...

Who cares what she thinks. Block her and let her stew in it.

I don't think its stalking in any way. She's friends with him still as you said, you're his girlfriend. She's not doing anything extreme, she just befriended you on facebook.

She's not doing anything that anyone else who can view your page is doing so I'm not quite sure why "stalking" would even cross your friends mind who now has put a bug in your ear to the point that you're making an issue out of it with your partner.

It was you that agreed to her "friendship" request so why wouldn't she do what she's doing?

Facebook sucks in so many levels and this drama you're in is yet another reason to avoid it altogether unless it's for business networking (in which case you could easily not accept a friendship request from Your partner's ex without feeling guilty or obligated to) Gah!

She's not doing anything that anyone else who can view your page is doing so I'm not quite sure why "stalking" would even cross your friends mind who now has put a bug in your ear to the point that you're making an issue out of it with your partner.

 

It was you that agreed to her "friendship" request so why wouldn't she do what she's doing?

 

Facebook sucks in so many levels and this drama you're in is yet another reason to avoid it altogether unless it's for business networking (in which case you could easily not accept a friendship request from Your partner's ex without feeling guilty or obligated to) Gah!

I haven't even mentioned it to my partner (I was on the phone to him just a few minutes ago and had forgotten about it!), so drama here is rather conspicuous by its absence. If anything, she's my most dedicated FB follower - she likes or comments on everything I post... but I guess that could be because she likes/finds my posts worthy of comment... but yes, you're right - I hadn't thought anything of it until a mutual friend brought it up.

I think it's kind of creepy...Idk. For her to like nearly every post or picture? She's keeping tabs for sure. That's my opinion. I would never friend my significant others' exes unless I had met them and we are friends in real life.

Well, I'm not an expert on "stalking" by any means but if I was going to do it, I certainly wouldn't be making myself known by commenting on things that who I'm stalking is doing. Its more productive to be stealth in order to not cause attention to it. No?

I think it's only "creepy" because the friend has pointed it out to be something other then just facebook goings on.

Some interesting thoughts here, Zeino; I think I need to bring up the subject of boundaries with him. There's certainly an emotional bond there, as you say, not based on attraction - but that's natural given that they've so much shared history and it doesn't bother me per se. I think I'd feel more comfortable if we both had face-to-face contact with her, and it was all out in the open; either that, or he/we cut contact altogether. I didn't think anything of it until my friend mentioned it; heck, my FB page is meant to entertain; amongst other things I am a professional humorist, and I know a lot of people just visit it for a laugh! I'd feel very differently if it was detailing my personal life with him. It could just be that she enjoys the cartoons etc.

 

It's hard to say if she featured in his previous relationships, as they were both long distance, the contact was less frequent and it would have been easier to maintain a friendship with her without it impinging on them at all. She is also now apparently committed to her new man. Though, reading between the lines of things he's said about their relationship, she does have issues around boundaries. I don't feel she's a threat to our relationship though.

 

Yep... I need to talk to him about it...

I think boundaries is a good idea because we can only control ourselves. Who knows why someone is doing something. Maybe her boyfriend has a problem with her communicating with her ex and she is trying to prove him that this is all innocent, she is good friends with you, too There is really no way of knowing what's going on in people's heads, we can only know what we want.

Facebook - mother of all evils...

Its my new quote... I think I have said this 20 times in the last week - 4 of those times on ENA

Put her as a restricted friend... then she wont see your daily posts and she will be none the wiser.. as she will still be your friend so hopefully wont become Psycho... then delete and block her in a month or two.

or just block and delete her now... easy.

How do you know she or anyone else visits your page? Does she like your stuff or something? Or is there a way of seeing who visits your page

How do you know she or anyone else visits your page? Does she like your stuff or something? Or is there a way of seeing who visits your page

She likes every single thing I post, and leaves comments. Short, pleasant ones.

Firstly, you seem very emotionally intelligent and have every right to feel a discomfort regarding your partner and his relationship with his ex. It appears to me that her liking all your stuff is out of insecurity and a need to appear as taking the high road, being secure, being nice. She seems like she's looking for your acceptance.

I would ask him if he thinks it's strange when you're calm and wait for his reaction. Be careful when you respond and how you interpret his reaction. Try to breathe and remember that even if she's keeping tabs on him it doesn't change anything about your relationship unless she's contacting him a lot. Let him know what you're comfortable and not comfortable with and try not to let the liking your posts bother you. I wouldn't block her unless it feels right.

She likes every single thing I post, and leaves comments. Short, pleasant ones.

Maybe she's very very lonely and needs a friend?

Maybe she's very very lonely and needs a friend?

I don't think she is! She's also in a new relationship, but has obviously had real problems detaching from my partner - this was particularly apparent when we all lived in the same town.

Sorry but could you clarify why would her liking your facebook stuff mean that she's having a hard time detaching from your boyfriend (her ex?) I don't see the correlation.

Why are you even letting her look at your stuff? How is she seeing this? How is she able to leave a comment??!?!?!!??!!?

Jeez girl, lock that stuff away. You seem to be fueling this stalker fire, and you seem to like it.

Sorry but could you clarify why would her liking your facebook stuff mean that she's having a hard time detaching from your boyfriend (her ex?) I don't see the correlation.

For 3.5 years she was asking him to rekindle the relationship.

For 3.5 years she was asking him to rekindle the relationship.

Is that still going on now though? If it is, why isn't your boyfriend distancing himself from her? I have to ask as well, why would you accept her friend request? If this is still going on then I wouldn't be worried about offending her in the least and I'd be politely asking my boyfriend to block and delete her and stop giving her the impression that he will get back with her. His very acceptance of her in his life is giving her false hope.