Wife mental issues have removed sex from my marriage

My wife has been battling anxiety and depression for our whole relationship. She was recently diagnosed as bi polar a is in therapy. We are down to a maximum of sex once per month in our good months. The intimate connections achieve during sex energize and rejuvenate me. Sex is key to my happiness. She is awesome, the can be awesome when we have it but she is just going through so much all the time that sex is constantly beaten out by other mental activities. I can't go on like this forever and don't know if I can be there for her through all of her issues. Our relationship has been full of ups and down but when we had that physical connection I was able to make it work. Without the physical she is still a great friend but doesn't feel like a wife anymore. Any advice from some more experienced men?

My wife has been battling anxiety and depression for our whole relationship. She was recently diagnosed as bi polar a is in therapy. We are down to a maximum of sex once per month in our good months. The intimate connections achieve during sex energize and rejuvenate me. Sex is key to my happiness. She is awesome, the can be awesome when we have it but she is just going through so much all the time that sex is constantly beaten out by other mental activities. I can't go on like this forever and don't know if I can be there for her through all of her issues. Our relationship has been full of ups and down but when we had that physical connection I was able to make it work. Without the physical she is still a great friend but doesn't feel like a wife anymore. Any advice from some more experienced men?

Oh, man. I soooo been there.

My wife has anxiety and depression, though she won't really go to therapy, doesn't believe in it.

There was a two-year stretch where we had sex 3 times. A 9-month dry period, book-ended by really depressing maintenance sex. Before that, it had been monthly at best for a year. A good month might get me 3 goes, but then dry for the next month. When we went completely sexless, She would occasionally try to give me non-intercourse maintenance attention, but after a while, I resented that more than appreciated it. At the same time, I was in a position where I was seen as very attractive and was getting a LOT of attention from women. That was very, very hard. I loved my wife, I hardly (well... ) looked at those other women. (Erm, hardly.)

At that point, we had our only near-end, (until the last month or so.)I made sure she had some kind of plan to work through her issues, and she eventually did without professional help.

It got better, and for the next 7 or 8 years, we've probably averaged 2-3 times a week, and it never feels like maintenance sex.

However, I've recently come to believe that my wife is beginning another unhappy phase. She's just not happy in her life, and this time it's expressed as an emotional affair.

I love her, but I'm starting to question whether I can bear the burden of her emotional health issues in the context of a marriage. I'm wondering whether I could be a better friend to her than husband. It would kill me to lose our relationship, and at this point, I'm just not sure what the chance for a happy ending is.

I say all that because it seems to me you're in a hard place, and blue balls may be the least of your worries.

It's not the blue balls but the lack of connection. We to have tried forcing sex and several other options including link increasers, ect. The ups and downs are hard to roll with. Just before writing this she looked me in my face and said I know this makes you uncomfortable but we are going to do it anyway. Tomorrow she may not be able to pull herself out of bed. I just want to be happy and feel like I'm in a strong partnership. Yes part of this happiness is sex but mostly I just want a better connection. I feel like she doesn't know me anymore. It's to the point that I don't really want to have sex with her. I still want sex but just not from her. When we are great we are great but can I say we have ever even had an entire year of awesome ? No. At most the first three months. After that no more than a month. I feel like there is no desire kn her end so I am over it. If I had to sum up our relationships and our sex in one word or phrase: I'm over it. I just also feel like I'm ten years in at this point and would hate to walk away prematurely because it sucks now.

Instead of thinking with your balls bear in mind she may have no say in the way any medication she's taking will effect her libido, drugs like citalopram kill your sex drive dead. Consider going to your Doctor together to discuss the correct medication, and what the correct dose should be, in order to maintain your sex life. I really don't think she has any say in things at the moment, and I'm sure if you were in her shoes you'd expect her to stand by you and be a rock.

Just before writing this she looked me in my face and said I know this makes you uncomfortable but we are going to do it anyway. .

Did I read this correctly? Do it anyway?

When in the manic phase people with untreated bipolar typically are hyper-sexual, so perhaps it's was good here and there. When depressed it sounds like what you are describing as currently going on..

It sounds like you would prefer to have an affair because her mental illness and treatment affects her libido too much and everything you've tried hasn't helped.

It's to the point that I don't really want to have sex with her. I feel like there is no desire kn her end so I am over it. If I had to sum up our relationships and our sex in one word or phrase: I'm over it.

In sickness and in health, remember.

You find a release (masturbation) and you gradually establish more of an emotional connection with your wife, as well as increasing the nonsexual physical contact with her over time to work on this. Eventually, when she is more in control of this with nutrition and exercise and can handle a tinkering with medications or a different one, maybe that will eventually help too. If your wife is a wonderful person otherwise when her symptoms are in control and you have a good partnership, I would do everything I can to strengthen the marriage. You knew she was bipolar when you met. Its not like this is a surprise.

es part of this happiness is sex but mostly I just want a better connection.

Get some of those books with fun quizzes asking how well you know your husband/wife that are meant to be lighthearted but really involve learning something. Go to marriage counseling. Do an activity together, make a date night. There are ways to start forming a connection again. try it.

I appreciate all of the advice and I am going to mull it over this evening and really see if it resonates with me. I have been thinking a lot sense writing the initial post and have come to what seem to be some straight forward conclusions. Please tell me if I am young and dumb or way off base:

1. We both want to be the party being taken care of. Not totally, but more like a 60/40 split.

2. We both have a hard time going without in specific areas. I feel less connected to her without the physical aspects and she does not fair well with my introversion in stressful times.

3. I'm fairly young and I just don't know that I envision such a larger portion or my adult life going to working on this marriage. I have been working desperately for a decade and we have had little improvement. We have tried but just never gotten there.

I don't mind making sacrifices but I don't know that it's healthy for who I am as a person to live this way.

4. For the first time in my life I can see myself happier and better off without her.

* in response to the folks telling me to stop thinking with my balls: I hear you. That's what I will be mulling over tonight. I do want to be clear though that I am not some young guy thinking with his crotch but rather a MBA who has been working on these issues for 10 years. She wants to please me as I do her and for that reason I think we both try to stretch and meet the other person on the higher level. Her with physical affection and me with care giving and emotional connection. I really care for her and lately it has been seeming more and more like she might be happier without me and I her. Like some time to work on ourselves and truly figure out what we want might help us both find it. I just don't believe we will find that in each other anymore.

Either you are moving away from each other or toward each other, even though it feels like a stand-off. You could try therapy for your marriage or trial separation and consider divorce as an option.

It sounds like you have both withdrawn in your own emotional /physical ways. Without romance and connection she wants no sex, without sex you want no emotional connection.

Consider that bipolar is more serious than you think and you need more intervention than just resigning to becoming roommates who resent each other.

I can see myself happier and better off without her. lately it has been seeming more and more like she might be happier without me and I her.

I appreciate all of the advice and I am going to mull it over this evening and really see if it resonates with me. I have been thinking a lot sense writing the initial post and have come to what seem to be some straight forward conclusions. Please tell me if I am young and dumb or way off base:

1. We both want to be the party being taken care of. Not totally, but more like a 60/40 split.

2. We both have a hard time going without in specific areas. I feel less connected to her without the physical aspects and she does not fair well with my introversion in stressful times.

3. I'm fairly young and I just don't know that I envision such a larger portion or my adult life going to working on this marriage. I have been working desperately for a decade and we have had little improvement. We have tried but just never gotten there.

I don't mind making sacrifices but I don't know that it's healthy for who I am as a person to live this way.

4. For the first time in my life I can see myself happier and better off without her.

 

* in response to the folks telling me to stop thinking with my balls: I hear you. That's what I will be mulling over tonight. I do want to be clear though that I am not some young guy thinking with his crotch but rather a MBA who has been working on these issues for 10 years. She wants to please me as I do her and for that reason I think we both try to stretch and meet the other person on the higher level. Her with physical affection and me with care giving and emotional connection. I really care for her and lately it has been seeming more and more like she might be happier without me and I her. Like some time to work on ourselves and truly figure out what we want might help us both find it. I just don't believe we will find that in each other anymore.

You exchanged vows with her knowing she struggled with mental illness.

1, Practice self care. What does it mean to be "taken care of" if she goes for a pedicure or a massage that is all about her and caring for herself and you go to the type of restaurant where you feel waited on by 5 waiters and don't have to lift a finger - would that help you feel cared for so that you can be open to the level of care that she can provide at the moment, and you can also be the carer instead of expecting her to "take care of you" completely when she can't?

2. Make an effort to reach out to her during stressful times. Fake it until you make it. Its like a big wheel - she doesn't give you physical intimacy because you are withdrawing from her. Why not make an effort to go within by going to the gym to be away from home and blow off some steam or take a walk by yourself and so you can come back to her ready to chat, to show concern and to talk about your days. Or maybe taking a nature walk together without saying much but taking in the sights of nature would be good for you both. You withdraw because she isn't giving you what you need, but you are also withdrawing the very thing she needs to feel connected with you in order to give you sex.

3. You committed to this marriage and you loved her so you married her. No gun is to your head. And every marriage takes work. A marriage is what you make of it. You may not meet exactly who you want if you leave her, either. Trust me, its harder to meet someone if you walked away from someone who had a medical problem vs you are a widower, she left you for the yoga instructor, etc. it doesn't show someone you are "til death do us part".

I came but to update the thread and let everyone know we have decided to separate. She is staying with family and I am packing up the house while I find something smaller. We both agreed we need to work on ourselves and find happiness there before trying to find it in someone else. We both have very positive outlooks on the separation. I do appreciate the advice I received here. It helped me realize that I am not going to be the best life partner for her nor she for I. I don't know I would have gotten there at this point in my life were it not for this thread.

Thanks