Why is my Cousin avoiding me? (Yes this is a love post unfortunately)

Hey, so I'm new to this forum and a bit nervous, but need some advice on a sensitive subject.

So I met my second (male) cousin 8 years ago when we were 19. We have the same birthday, are the same age, and love the same things only I'm female.

I had never experienced that before in my life. It felt like we had been best friends forever. He even told me that I was like his best friend and we both marveled at the phenomenon.

We got to spend 3 extremely happy days together and then he went back to his state on the other side of the country.

I'm not going to lie, I fell in love with him, but said nothing. It felt like he did too and said (I love you) a lot, but we kept it family and did not admit anything to each other.

Now here's the odd part.

He refused to talk to me. I tried reaching out to him by phone, text, myspace, anything and he simply refused to talk to me. I had to always initiate the conversation and when I did he said he was tired. I sent him a birthday present on our birthday. He called me half crying saying that no one ever made any deal of his birthday and that he loved me...but again refused to talk.

So I got the message and left him alone for 8 years. I lived my life, dated, finished college, ect. But I never fell in love again and still loved him dearly.

After all this time I again contacted him on facebook. He accepted my friend request instantly but again did not answer my message. I was so frustrated that I unfriended him. He immediately writes me then and asks me all these questions about myself. The minute I answer and then ask some back he stops the convo and says he'll be right back in an hour. 7 days went by...when I finally got tired of waiting and asked what happened he says he totally forgot about me and was at a bunch of parties...dude is in the military by the way...I got tired again, told him that I see he's very busy and that I'm basically sorry to bother him, unfriended, blocked and left (I was mad). A few days later he buys my online book and even has his friend buy my books. I unblock him, but he does not attempt to contact me as usual and I refuse to reach out again. These spells really break my heart and I suffer for days after.

I am sooo confused...just a little info about him. He doesn't have many friends, he's single, all his buds only use him for his car, he use to be picked on a lot in school, and his dad is an extreme hard a** who treats him like crap. I might be in love with him, but I'm willing to hide that and just be his friend or family but he won't even allow that! So I guess I'm just looking for some closure. If I knew for a fact that he just didn't like or care about me, I could move on, but everytime I think that, he turns around and does something sweet. His dad cut contact with us too for some reason and controls his life a lot...but I don't know...If you read this much, wow! Thank you! And thanks in advance for any advice

This is a complicated situation! I wouldn't recommend acting on your love, as such unions tend to be frowned upon for various reasons (genetic defects in children being one of them). I'm sure you already know that I'm guessing your cousin avoids you because of that stigma, and perhaps because of other factors like his dad's control over his life, etc.

I would take a very hands off approach to this and look for romantic love somewhere else. If your cousin reaches out to you, great. But don't reach out to him -- I think it will only drive you crazy.

But... he's your cousin. Doesn't matter if he's your second cousin, you guys are still pretty related.

Are you both from the south?

Jk. Bad Joke. Still... that's something I wouldn't consider pursing a relationship with. Find someone who is in your state, and also someone who is not your relative.

Because he does not want the family drama of anything other than friendly "Hey cous, how's it going" and yes he totally knows you see him as a romantic partner and are more than a little obsessed with him and he is more than weirded out by it.

His actions very much say he is avoiding you as much as he can, but doesn't want to create any family drama. You're both still related enough that yes it would and could cause a lot of problems.

No, he does not want a romantic anything with you. And he knows that's what you want and so he is avoiding you as much as possible. And you two are related enough that yes, this would cause you both severe issues.

This is a complicated situation! I wouldn't recommend acting on your love, as such unions tend to be frowned upon for various reasons (genetic defects in children being one of them). I'm sure you already know that I'm guessing your cousin avoids you because of that stigma, and perhaps because of other factors like his dad's control over his life, etc.

 

I would take a very hands off approach to this and look for romantic love somewhere else. If your cousin reaches out to you, great. But don't reach out to him -- I think it will only drive you crazy.

Thanks so much for writing me back and being so nice about it! I will definitely take your advice on this. I wanted to be hands off, but I always feel like it's my fault if friendships don't last.

Lol, he actually is from the south.

Because he does not want the family drama of anything other than friendly "Hey cous, how's it going" and yes he totally knows you see him as a romantic partner and are more than a little obsessed with him and he is more than weirded out by it.

 

His actions very much say he is avoiding you as much as he can, but doesn't want to create any family drama. You're both still related enough that yes it would and could cause a lot of problems.

 

No, he does not want a romantic anything with you. And he knows that's what you want and so he is avoiding you as much as possible. And you two are related enough that yes, this would cause you both severe issues.

Firstly I wish you could have been a bit less harsh. lol Secondly all that I said on this board I kept to my self, in no way have I ever shown interest in him to his face. I don't know why two people can't just be friends because that's actually all I want. I wouldn't call loving someone obsessing, but to each their own.

Also if I wanted to get technical with it, second cousins have the same amount of chances for birth defects as regular people have maybe with a 1% difference.

Family drama...ha...our extended family isn't what you would call close.

But, anyway your conclusion still could be true and your comment though harsh was kinda the cold glass of water I needed.

Thanks for commenting.

Actually the cousin thing aside, I'm sorry if I sound harsh but you don't sound very emotionally mature. You met this guy only for three days when you were still a teenager. For one, you were very young and teenagers can easily get crushes and get infatuated. Even if you did have a great connection, how can you really love someone you only knew in person for three days? Now it's been eight years and you hadn't talked to him all that time at all. And you were actually the one that stopped talking to him eight years ago. Fair enough if you haven't fallen for anyone in that time as those things can't be forced, but it seems like you weren't even trying to move on. You've still been obsessing over your cousin and now tried to add on Facebook when you didn't receive much interest from him even eight years ago (even as family). Now he's probably acting disinterested because he hadn't talked to you for so long. He's happy to be friendly but you're not in the centre of his universe the way he is in yours. He lives on the other side of the country, he has his own life. I don't think he ever loved you much at all to be honest because all those years he totally didn't care if you were in his life or not (and still doesn't). So now the sprinkle on top of all of that is that he's your cousin so therefore dating him would be committing incest. I think it's in your very best interest to totally move on from him at least in the romantic way. The only relationship you should have with him is a distant polite family relationship.

Actually the cousin thing aside, I'm sorry if I sound harsh but you don't sound very emotionally mature. You met this guy only for three days when you were still a teenager. For one, you were very young and teenagers can easily get crushes and get infatuated. Even if you did have a great connection, how can you really love someone you only knew in person for three days? Now it's been eight years and you hadn't talked to him all that time at all. And you were actually the one that stopped talking to him eight years ago. Fair enough if you haven't fallen for anyone in that time as those things can't be forced, but it seems like you weren't even trying to move on. You've still been obsessing over your cousin and now tried to add on Facebook when you didn't receive much interest from him even eight years ago (even as family). Now he's probably acting disinterested because he hadn't talked to you for so long. He's happy to be friendly but you're not in the centre of his universe the way he is in yours. He lives on the other side of the country, he has his own life. I don't think he ever loved you much at all to be honest because all those years he totally didn't care if you were in his life or not (and still doesn't). I think it's in your very best interest to totally move on from him at least in the romantic way. The only relationship you should have with him is a distant polite family relationship.

I totally agree with all of the above. Obsessing over something that happened 8 years ago is not normal (imo). 3 days is hardly something to hang onto for so long. Let it go. Leave it be and carry on with your life. Nothing will come out of this either way, so no need to waste anymore energy on it.

Actually the cousin thing aside, I'm sorry if I sound harsh but you don't sound very emotionally mature. You met this guy only for three days when you were still a teenager. For one, you were very young and teenagers can easily get crushes and get infatuated. Even if you did have a great connection, how can you really love someone you only knew in person for three days? Now it's been eight years and you hadn't talked to him all that time at all. And you were actually the one that stopped talking to him eight years ago. Fair enough if you haven't fallen for anyone in that time as those things can't be forced, but it seems like you weren't even trying to move on. You've still been obsessing over your cousin and now tried to add on Facebook when you didn't receive much interest from him even eight years ago (even as family). Now he's probably acting disinterested because he hadn't talked to you for so long. He's happy to be friendly but you're not in the centre of his universe the way he is in yours. He lives on the other side of the country, he has his own life. I don't think he ever loved you much at all to be honest because all those years he totally didn't care if you were in his life or not (and still doesn't). So now the sprinkle on top of all of that is that he's your cousin so therefore dating him would be committing incest. I think it's in your very best interest to totally move on from him at least in the romantic way. The only relationship you should have with him is a distant polite family relationship.

I didn't stop talking to him, I just stopped initiating the conversation. When I stopped contacting him...well he never contacted me. lol That actually validates your point about him not caring if I was in his life or not. I tried moving on and did successfully for 4 years but I just don't connect with people much. Oh I meet many, and many people are attracted to me, I just don't like them XD

I could totally handle him not loving or liking me its the oddness that I obsessed about. For example I wasn't asking him to be my bestie after 8 years, I just said "Hey how's it going and lets catch up." and he couldn't spare 2 minutes to say a few sentences. No, he says he'll be right back and then doesn't come back, but makes sure to later tell me that he made a new Amazon account and then buys my book. That's so much more than just sparing 5 min to catch up and move on. The oddness about how things ended is what bothered me all these years. We hit it off and become best friends in yes 3 days, and then he breaks total contact with me. I think that would bother anyone...

I totally agree with all of the above. Obsessing over something that happened 8 years ago is not normal (imo). 3 days is hardly something to hang onto for so long. Let it go. Leave it be and carry on with your life. Nothing will come out of this either way, so no need to waste anymore energy on it.

It was the way it ended that bothered me, not so much the person. I always feel like it's my fault when things end especially since I don't connect with many people. Like I said, I could handle him not caring about me, but I don't get why he says and does the opposite of these things. I'm very good at telling when someone just doesn't like me...I usually don't like them lol, but when it came to him it was so different. I can understand not being the center of someone's universe and best believe he is not mine, what I don't understand is the lies. He was obviously lying when he said he forgot to write me back for some imaginary parties (he's way to shy, I can even see that from his facebook) and the message was marked as read, and I saw him pop on the instant chat and then pop off.

But, thanks for commenting though, I do appreciate all the advice.

Lol I just happened upon this post but I was curious so I looked it up....looks like you're in the clear:

Cousin couples have only a slightly higher incidence of birth defects than non-related couples. 26 states allow first cousin marriages; most people can marry their cousin in the US. US prohibitions against cousin marriages predate modern genetics. No European country prohibits marriage between first cousins.

Lol I just happened upon this post but I was curious so I looked it up....looks like you're in the clear:

Cousin couples have only a slightly higher incidence of birth defects than non-related couples. 26 states allow first cousin marriages; most people can marry their cousin in the US. US prohibitions against cousin marriages predate modern genetics. No European country prohibits marriage between first cousins.

Lol, thanks for the info and the positivity on my little problem XD

I didn't stop talking to him, I just stopped initiating the conversation. When I stopped contacting him...well he never contacted me. lol That actually validates your point about him not caring if I was in his life or not. I tried moving on and did successfully for 4 years but I just don't connect with people much. Oh I meet many, and many people are attracted to me, I just don't like them XD

I could totally handle him not loving or liking me its the oddness that I obsessed about. For example I wasn't asking him to be my bestie after 8 years, I just said "Hey how's it going and lets catch up." and he couldn't spare 2 minutes to say a few sentences. No, he says he'll be right back and then doesn't come back, but makes sure to later tell me that he made a new Amazon account and then buys my book. That's so much more than just sparing 5 min to catch up and move on. The oddness about how things ended is what bothered me all these years. We hit it off and become best friends in yes 3 days, and then he breaks total contact with me. I think that would bother anyone...

Um look I am sorry I'm honestly not trying to be patronising but again I need to go back to the subject of emotional immaturity. Best friends in just three days? Loved him in three days? You were a teenager, but I think even most teenagers wouldn't think someone was their best friend in only three days or least of all that they fell in love. I understand connection and chemistry but when nothing came of it at all, that's when you should have realised he wasn't your best friend or love of your life, he wasn't even your friend at all. It's like logically you can admit he ignored you for eight years and he's still ignoring you now, but you blew this little three day interaction totally out of proportion and I think whatever special connection you have with this guy is all just in your head. If it wasn't one sided then this guy would have still been in your life and making time for you the past eight years.

Whether he's your cousin or not is actually the snallest issue, it's the fact that you've held on to this person for eight years and say you still love him and you started being really full on towards him again. OK so he's taking a few days to reply but you admit, you are NOT the centre of his universe. He hardly knows you and the only real interaction he had with you was for three days eight years ago, then nothing. Who says he lied about going to parties? Maybe he was really going to parties and he just considers them a lot more of a priority then talking to you.

You're being very over the top, just becayse he doesn't reply constantly you then delete and block. He doesn't feel the same about you so he probably thinks there's nothing wrong with taking longer to reply, so to him it probably looks like you're really over reacting. Truth be told I'd be the same. I actually hate chatting online and if I do, it's only to my close friends. I take ages to reply to others or don't reply at all but nobody deleted me coz if we're not close they probably don't think it's a big deal.

You are 27 now, not 19, I think your behaviour is quite immature and obsessive. I think your whole image of this guy is only what you believed in your mind because let's face it, you hardly know him. It takes months, even years to know someone. I have three best friends. One of them I've known 13 years, and two others for six years. There is no way you can build a real friendship in three days. Yeah I think about my ex's sometimes and look at their Facebook, but I was in a serious relationship with them for two years, and even that aside, I DON'T actually contact them.

I think you really need to examine your friendships and relationships in your life if that guy was your number one person to you after only three days and then you can't forget him for eight years. What is missing, are you really lonely?

Lol I just happened upon this post but I was curious so I looked it up....looks like you're in the clear:

Cousin couples have only a slightly higher incidence of birth defects than non-related couples. 26 states allow first cousin marriages; most people can marry their cousin in the US. US prohibitions against cousin marriages predate modern genetics. No European country prohibits marriage between first cousins.

This is provided the cousin is actually interested lol

I can understand not being the center of someone's universe and best believe he is not mine, what I don't understand is the lies. He was obviously lying when he said he forgot to write me back for some imaginary parties (he's way to shy, I can even see that from his facebook) and the message was marked as read, and I saw him pop on the instant chat and then pop off.

Sounds like he's just not interested in connecting with you at all. I would forget about it. Let it go.

Dear Ilovetohard

From what I have read, (Don't be offended in any manner) but it is obvious that you feel something or for him, or you think of him as someone important... It doesn't seem that he thinks the same of you though. (I'm just saying based on what I've read...) and you say you met him 8 years back for three days only. Think of the 8 years in between, a lot happens, time changes and people change, You say you have had your own life for 8 years which means he must have too wouldn't he?. And three days for me, I feel are not enough to know a person, maybe to you the three days may have been great, maybe to him they were just three normal days! spent with family.

You see they say love doesn't have to be selfish, and it doesn't have to be wanting but it has to be giving.

Love has different forms of it love for mother, love for a father, love for a sister, love for friends, love for close ones, love for the one!

I don't know how good you guys are on talking terms right now! But if I were you I just let it stay as it is, you see may be he looked up to you as a friend or a family and you don't want to sabotage that (if you have anything that is, keeping in mind that you met 8 years ago and as you said you haven't contacted him for that long).

When he said he loved you that long back, I betting it was a different kind of love and I'm not sure what he feels right now but the love you have for him is also a different kind of love, Please think of it on your own and evaluate where you stand. And remember that love is giving and not wanting anything in return, if you do love him in any form or manner of it... and maybe he doesn't! Just let things be... as they are. Maybe you might not get the form of love you want from him, but there are the friend and family forms of love that you still could...

Um look I am sorry I'm honestly not trying to be patronising but again I need to go back to the subject of emotional immaturity. Best friends in just three days? Loved him in three days? You were a teenager, but I think even most teenagers wouldn't think someone was their best friend in only three days or least of all that they fell in love. I understand connection and chemistry but when nothing came of it at all, that's when you should have realised he wasn't your best friend or love of your life, he wasn't even your friend at all. It's like logically you can admit he ignored you for eight years and he's still ignoring you now, but you blew this little three day interaction totally out of proportion and I think whatever special connection you have with this guy is all just in your head. If it wasn't one sided then this guy would have still been in your life and making time for you the past eight years.

 

Whether he's your cousin or not is actually the snallest issue, it's the fact that you've held on to this person for eight years and say you still love him and you started being really full on towards him again. OK so he's taking a few days to reply but you admit, you are NOT the centre of his universe. He hardly knows you and the only real interaction he had with you was for three days eight years ago, then nothing. Who says he lied about going to parties? Maybe he was really going to parties and he just considers them a lot more of a priority then talking to you.

 

You're being very over the top, just becayse he doesn't reply constantly you then delete and block. He doesn't feel the same about you so he probably thinks there's nothing wrong with taking longer to reply, so to him it probably looks like you're really over reacting. Truth be told I'd be the same. I actually hate chatting online and if I do, it's only to my close friends. I take ages to reply to others or don't reply at all but nobody deleted me coz if we're not close they probably don't think it's a big deal.

 

You are 27 now, not 19, I think your behaviour is quite immature and obsessive. I think your whole image of this guy is only what you believed in your mind because let's face it, you hardly know him. It takes months, even years to know someone. I have three best friends. One of them I've known 13 years, and two others for six years. There is no way you can build a real friendship in three days. Yeah I think about my ex's sometimes and look at their Facebook, but I was in a serious relationship with them for two years, and even that aside, I DON'T actually contact them.

 

I think you really need to examine your friendships and relationships in your life if that guy was your number one person to you after only three days and then you can't forget him for eight years. What is missing, are you really lonely?

I don't think you're being patronising at all. I actually appreciate all the advice you have taken the time to give to me and it has made me see things in a different light.

When we first met I saw things like Romeo and Juliet. It was the first time I felt love at first sight and didn't really think it existed until then. Romeo and Juliet fell in love on a Sunday, married the next day and was dead in 5 days. Lol so as a dreamer I saw 3 days to fall in love as excessive.

It wasn't just that I loved him, but I also feared for him. This guy seemed to really be getting it from his dad, and I always wanted to be there for him, but it felt like his dad was stopping it. Everytime we would talk, we would be having a great time, and then he would say he was tired. When I asked why, he would say "my dad is here," as if I should understand and then get off the phone. His dad was so bad he hollered at him in front of me and did other abuses in just those 3 days. When all contact with him broke off I was truly scared. When I would ask he would apologize profusely for his behavior and hint around that it was out of his control. Like before we even met, and way before I felt anything for him, I was told to email him by my parents a few days before he was due to come down. I was annoyed, but did and he emailed me back quickly. When I mailed him again, he just stopped. It was so weird. When we finally met I asked him why he stopped communication and he suddenly looked scared and said I would try but the message would delete itself before I could send it. His dad is extremely good at computers, limited his time on the internet at age 19 and made them share one cellphone.

I promise you, if I had of looked him up after 8 years and saw that he was happy, had a gf, and doing well I would have been happy for him and left him alone. But that is not what I saw. The sweet guy I knew was now in the military (something he told me was his nightmare, but his dad's dream) and he looks like he aged 20 years, lost all his hair and has a scar across his face! Not only do I still love him, but I still worry about him. All your comments telling me that he's just not that into me makes me feel actually relieved!

Thank you for your polite and gentle answer. I will take all into consideration

I get that.

He is uncomfortable because he knows you have a crush on him. So while he doesn't want to make you angry, he is also not interested in talking because he knows you have romantic feelings. I wouldn't be comfortable either if I felt one of my relatives had a crush on me.

That's really all there is to it.

Time to let go of the dream and start moving on.

He is uncomfortable because he knows you have a crush on him. So while he doesn't want to make you angry, he is also not interested in talking because he knows you have romantic feelings. I wouldn't be comfortable either if I felt one of my relatives had a crush on me.

 

That's really all there is to it.

 

Time to let go of the dream and start moving on.

Well if that's just the case then I don't get why when he was down here he started flirting first. Kept asking me to touch him, said things in a sexual way. It was kinda his fault in making me fall for him, and I was the one uncomfortable with it when we first met...but who knows also this is a quote from my last post just to add a bit more info.

It wasn't just that I loved him, but I also feared for him. This guy seemed to really be getting it from his dad, and I always wanted to be there for him, but it felt like his dad was stopping it. Everytime we would talk, we would be having a great time, and then he would say he was tired. When I asked why, he would say "my dad is here," as if I should understand and then get off the phone. His dad was so bad he hollered at him in front of me and did other abuses in just those 3 days. When all contact with him broke off I was truly scared. When I would ask he would apologize profusely for his behavior and hint around that it was out of his control. Like before we even met, and way before I felt anything for him, I was told to email him by my parents a few days before he was due to come down. I was annoyed, but did and he emailed me back quickly. When I mailed him again, he just stopped. It was so weird. When we finally met I asked him why he stopped communication and he suddenly looked scared and said I would try but the message would delete itself before I could send it. His dad is extremely good at computers, limited his time on the internet at age 19 and made them share one cellphone.

I promise you, if I had of looked him up after 8 years and saw that he was happy, had a gf, and doing well I would have been happy for him and left him alone. But that is not what I saw. The sweet guy I knew was now in the military (something he told me was his nightmare, but his dad's dream) and he looks like he aged 20 years, lost all his hair and has a scar across his face! Not only do I still love him, but I still worry about him. All your comments telling me that he's just not that into me makes me feel actually relieved!

Well if that's just the case then I don't get why when he was down here he started flirting first. Kept asking me to touch him, said things in a sexual way. It was kinda his fault in making me fall for him, and I was the one uncomfortable with it when we first met...but who knows also this is a quote from my last post just to add a bit more info.

For example?

I think in the end the "why" isn't important anymore. It's clear from his avoidance that he doesn't want to talk. I'd just let it go.

For example?

 

I think in the end the "why" isn't important anymore. It's clear from his avoidance that he doesn't want to talk. I'd just let it go.

You know, I think you're absolutely right

Thank you all for the advice and comments. I think I have some closure now.

When I made this post I really wanted some answers because life is too short not to be with the one you love and be damned what society thinks. So I basically wanted to know if I should even be wondering or hoping for any reason for his behavior.

Whatever the reason, he doesn't want to talk to me and if he can't talk to me then I don't think I want to be with anyone who wouldn't move heaven and earth just to be with me. Also if he can choose that, then he doesn't need my help either.

I'm going to finally let it go, and continue living my life.

I reached out and took a chance on him at least now I can say that I did everything in my power and have no regrets. In the end, I think that's what it's all about

Oh and just to add some extra info. 8 years ago he told me a story of how his dad stopped him from talking to his best friend for 6 years. And that after 6 years went by him and his friend met again and picked up as best friends right where they left off. So as the years went by I thought I'd see him on the 6 year mark. When the 8th year went by I reached out thinking we would be friends again like in his story...

Just wanted to give that extra info so you know where I was coming from with the time thing.

Thanks again