Third party objectivity pls?

I am finding it hard to find clarity within my three yr relationship. I will try to be succinct and honest! I'm not looking to be told it's not my fault I'm looking for objectivity which I don't believe I have anymore.

This is my first ever relationship. Two women. We got together in a whirlwind. She was very loving affectionate seemed perfect. I moved in after four months within weeks she started sporadically getting upset and angry for no reason. If she would give a reason rather than stony silence or words of aggression I would attempt to fix it and then within minutes there would be another problem. Her behaviour seemed irrational and provoking even obstinate like she wanted to just be angry. This theme has continued through our relationship with disturbing regularity.

Early on she revealed she had suffered abuse at the hands of immediate relations and although I don't doubt this is true in some form i have been sceptical as to extent as our relationship has taught me that she has the ability to be quite manipulative. I have often asked her advise on what to do when she becomes unexpectedly upset like this because I started to feel I make it worse because I am the kind of person who just wants to make things OK . She said next time just leave her alone. So I did- then I was accused of not caring, making no effort etc. When I said that's what you told me to do she went off on a tangent saying that I never take responsabilty for my actions that I think I'm perfect and I am self righteous and talk to her like a child.

My family do not like her. My mother describes her as 'constantly painting you (meaning me) into corners' and my father dislikes that my partner forced me to come out to him in a rather manipulative way. It is causing a bit of a rift but they are both respectful and say only that they want me to be happy but I know they think I should leave.

For three year my partner and i have been trying to stay together and the behaviour just escalates. She has been attending therapy. She lead me to believe she was getting help and dealing with these issues but now it transpires she hadn't even mentioned her anger problem till about two months ago?

The long and short is over the last year i have been suffering from very severe symptoms of stress. I feel myself changing. I am so angry so quickly now. I still never never initiate a single argument because that isn't me. But once she is in this mood and she huffs and puffs around the house agitated for days on end. My tolerance has gone and after a day or two I will snap and say something nasty that I instantly regret. And I feel Awful about.

She has grabbed hold of this recent phenomena and is saying I am not a nice person sometimes, that I need to take responsibility for my behaviour. But would anyone be under that level of stress and not snap? She always seem to know my breaking point and as soon as I'm there she wants to forgive and forget and she's sorry, crying saying what an awful person she is.

I should say she is not an awful person. When not in one of these episodes. She is fun, extremely loving, affectionate, plans wonderful days and is very often extremely thoughtful. Although never unemployed she has trouble at each place of work moving frequently. It is always someone else's fault for these events.

I am having a harder time looking at my face in the mirror because of how my life is. But the sad thing is I still want it to work. I feel perhaps I'm holding on to a dream that will never happen? I feel like if I just keep going I can change it . It is almost like the children's rhyme. When she was good she was very very good but when she was bad she was horrid. Has anyone been in a similar situation and worked it out? Some have suggested it is simply hormonal ie two women. I have to admit to feeling totally lost, befuddled and unable to make a descion. I would just like to here from people who may have been in a similar situation. I realise since these are my personal thoughts it may present a bias account. I have tried to be fair, no one is perfect including me! Thoughts please

I am finding it hard to find clarity within my three yr relationship. I will try to be succinct and honest! I'm not looking to be told it's not my fault I'm looking for objectivity which I don't believe I have anymore.

 

This is my first ever relationship. Two women. We got together in a whirlwind. She was very loving affectionate seemed perfect. I moved in after four months within weeks she started sporadically getting upset and angry for no reason. If she would give a reason rather than stony silence or words of aggression I would attempt to fix it and then within minutes there would be another problem. Her behaviour seemed irrational and provoking even obstinate like she wanted to just be angry. This theme has continued through our relationship with disturbing regularity.

 

Early on she revealed she had suffered abuse at the hands of immediate relations and although I don't doubt this is true in some form i have been sceptical as to extent as our relationship has taught me that she has the ability to be quite manipulative. I have often asked her advise on what to do when she becomes unexpectedly upset like this because I started to feel I make it worse because I am the kind of person who just wants to make things OK . She said next time just leave her alone. So I did- then I was accused of not caring, making no effort etc. When I said that's what you told me to do she went off on a tangent saying that I never take responsabilty for my actions that I think I'm perfect and I am self righteous and talk to her like a child.

 

My family do not like her. My mother describes her as 'constantly painting you (meaning me) into corners' and my father dislikes that my partner forced me to come out to him in a rather manipulative way. It is causing a bit of a rift but they are both respectful and say only that they want me to be happy but I know they think I should leave.

 

For three year my partner and i have been trying to stay together and the behaviour just escalates. She has been attending therapy. She lead me to believe she was getting help and dealing with these issues but now it transpires she hadn't even mentioned her anger problem till about two months ago?

 

The long and short is over the last year i have been suffering from very severe symptoms of stress. I feel myself changing. I am so angry so quickly now. I still never never initiate a single argument because that isn't me. But once she is in this mood and she huffs and puffs around the house agitated for days on end. My tolerance has gone and after a day or two I will snap and say something nasty that I instantly regret. And I feel Awful about.

 

She has grabbed hold of this recent phenomena and is saying I am not a nice person sometimes, that I need to take responsibility for my behaviour. But would anyone be under that level of stress and not snap? She always seem to know my breaking point and as soon as I'm there she wants to forgive and forget and she's sorry, crying saying what an awful person she is.

 

I should say she is not an awful person. When not in one of these episodes. She is fun, extremely loving, affectionate, plans wonderful days and is very often extremely thoughtful. Although never unemployed she has trouble at each place of work moving frequently. It is always someone else's fault for these events.

 

I am having a harder time looking at my face in the mirror because of how my life is. But the sad thing is I still want it to work. I feel perhaps I'm holding on to a dream that will never happen? I feel like if I just keep going I can change it . It is almost like the children's rhyme. When she was good she was very very good but when she was bad she was horrid. Has anyone been in a similar situation and worked it out? Some have suggested it is simply hormonal ie two women. I have to admit to feeling totally lost, befuddled and unable to make a descion. I would just like to here from people who may have been in a similar situation. I realise since these are my personal thoughts it may present a bias account. I have tried to be fair, no one is perfect including me! Thoughts please

Objectively, I say you need to walk away from this. From experience, any time your partner causes you to change in ways that make you suddenly no longer like yourself, it's time to leave. My ex was the same way, they are not bad people they are just unstable and need help. It's good that she is in therapy, but if you are unhappy that doesn't mean you should stick around. Chances are, the therapy would be much more helpful to her if she didn't have you to still cling to and blame for things. When you turn into someone who becomes more irritable, more angry, and you don't like who you are becoming, just take solace in knowing that it is circumstantial. You are only that person because of the circumstances you are in. If you get out, you will be much happier.

I have recently found someone who makes me feel good about myself. It caught me by surprise, you know? My ex (I still live with him) makes me not like myself and makes me dwell on my flaws or at least what he perceives as flaws, I am more irritable and easily angered when I'm around him. But when I'm with this other person, I actually like myself. Your partner probably made you feel this way at one point, but it's no longer true. Sounds like you guys need to call it quits and go your separate ways.

The lesson in all of this is to take your time and get to know someone. You moved in with her at 4 month and there is no way you could have known her in that time.

3 years later you know feel as if you have invested so much into something that you need to keep investing in something that has no gain and you can't seem to cut your losses. It's much like sitting at that slot machine, pulling the lever. You've gotten some intermittent payoff but you have put so much more into it you stay hoping for the big jack pot.

What you see is what you get. After all this time there is no improvement. Why on earth would you think there is one coming down the pipe?

You have lost your way and you have shut off that little voice that tells you when something is amiss and you need to leave.

When you deny yourself and deny the truth is when you start suffering from stress and stress related illnesses. It's your body screaming at you to pay attention. Either you deal with it, or it deals with you.

I have been in your situation and the hardest thing I ever did was leave. But it was the most vitally necessary thing to do.

The third party objective view is exactly what you stated that you don't want to hear - it's not you that's the problem here and you need to leave this relationship ASAP.

You are in an abusive relationship and yes, people who grew up in an abusive household quite often become extremely skilled and manipulative abusers of others in their own turn.

You are developing a stress disorder because you are adamantly ignoring the reality of the situation, the extent of the abuse you are tolerating, and have your own serious issues with codependency. In other words, even though somewhere you probably realize that you should have left her the very first time things went crazy with her, you have stayed for three years and continue to stay and take the abuse at the cost of your own health, well being and mental stability all the while trying to appease someone who cannot be appeased.

As you pointed out yourself, no matter what you do and what approach you take, she will attack you because that's what abusers do. She will also tell you that you are the problem and that it's all your fault. You can't reason with someone who is not quite sane and is also determined to damage you.

Regarding therapy, it only works if the person is genuinely willing to admit to issues and wants to be cured. It's a bit like an alcoholic wanting to quit the addiction. It only works IF the person in question is determined to get cured and it's a long long road and results are not guaranteed. The behavior patterns are deeply ingrained into her psyche and into her personality. In other words, don't hold your breath hoping that one day she'll come home and suddenly be normal. Even with therapy, it may never really happen.

Bottom line, what you are dealing with is not love, not what relationships look like and you really really need to listen to that tiny voice that is telling you this is wrong, because it is. Please don't say but you love her, because this NOT what love looks like. Just get out and then do a lot of soul searching and possibly some counseling of your own to figure out how you got hooked into an abusive relationship and stayed this long.

When you stay in a relationship that's not working you will become the worst version of yourself. That's my experience anyway.