My Mom has a boring boyfriend and needs attention from everyone else

She has been with this guy for about 4 years and he is not the most upbeat person so she seeks attention from other relatives. She spends the weekend at his house every week and while she is there he is sleep so she demands attention from me, my brother and my cousin through text or phone. Proof of this is last night I talked with her the phone for over a hour while she at his house which ridiculous and lets me know she needs a new man.

So because her boyfriend is half dead she is now expecting

1. Me to call her every saturday

2. Respond to every pointless text

3. My 13 year old cousin to text her on saturdays

4. My brother to contact her when she sends a text

She needs to get a new man or a hobby so she won't be so depended on her family for all this planned communication. Looks like to me she needs to stay home on the weekends if she is bored while she is while she is there with him

Had no idea my mom would become this annoying when she was in her 60's. My grandmom was not like this at all because she had her shows and always something to do

I told her last night......."Stop putting expectations on people when it comes to contacting you because it's going to make them not want to contact you at all"

Not your problem, Renter.

You, your brother and your cousin are NOT surrogate "boyfriends". It is not your job. This is an adult woman. Tell her to get a grip.

Not your problem, Renter.

 

You, your brother and your cousin are NOT surrogate "boyfriends". It is not your job. This is an adult woman. Tell her to get a grip.

Then she tries to make you feel guilty when you don't respond to her in a day or two by sending long stupid text message.

I am to the point now that I hate that texting exist and that I bought a cell phone in 2010 because it's driving crazy. She feels that texting is a replacement for chatting on the phone and face and face and it;s not.

So then I ask myself. Do I get a new phone number and let my mom keep the current one so I will know that she is the only on that number so I can respond whenever I get ready.

I dunno if I told my mom to get a grip I might be sitting on the other end of the hallway wondering what happened.

Your mom may be acting annoying, however you could say mom I don't have time to talk right now but give her a time that you can talk .

Ok, I understand it's annoying, but why so much harshness in your words towards your mom??

She sounds lonely. That is kind of sad, don't you think? And someone you love so much - your mom - to be lonely, that really stinks don't you think?

Just curious why it seems to make you angry.

I agree, you will miss your mom when you don't have one.

Ok, I understand it's annoying, but why so much harshness in your words towards your mom??

 

She sounds lonely. That is kind of sad, don't you think? And someone you love so much - your mom - to be lonely, that really stinks don't you think?

 

Just curious why it seems to make you angry.

Because she is not doing anything about her lonliness just driving everyone crazy with her texting. I told her that when I was 13 I never talked to my aunts when I wasn't around and that is how my 13 year old cousin is now.

You are not supposed to ask someone........"did you get my text?"

So this is like your other thread where you are mad at your mom for not knowing text rules?

"She has been with this guy for about 4 years and he is not the most upbeat person so she seeks attention from other relatives. She spends the weekend at his house every week and while she is there he is sleep so she demands attention from me, my brother and my cousin through text or phone"

Four years.

So, because he is asleep or while he is she is "lonely" she is texting. For heaven's sakes.

Perhaps encourage her to find a boy-friend who is more dynamic.

She says, to you:

"and lets me know she needs a new man.

"

Are you supposed to go out find and introduce her to a more exciting dude.

What would be a comfortable amount of contact for you to have with your mom?

One phone call a week? One visit? Less, more?

As far as texting and social media goes, what would work for you?

It's all about setting boundaries. It's harder to do that when you are emotionally invested in her changing though. She might not. She might be one of those people who won't do anything to take control of her own loneliness.

Thanks for the sensible remark IAG

"She might be one of those people who won't do anything to take control of her own loneliness."

Thanks for the sensible remark IAG

 

"She might be one of those people who won't do anything to take control of her own loneliness."

I love my mom to the moon and back. But all my life, my mom has been somebody who does not regulate her own emotions. She has fallen apart without others to hold her up. She believes to her core she needs a man to complete her and make her happy. She can not handle being with herself and her own emotions for more than an hour or two before she 'needs' other people.

So in a way, I relate to the anger. Me in my twenties was angry about it. Why? Because it felt like my mom was making me responsible for her. And that's a hell of a lot. And ....sometimes...she did. It took me a long time to understand how I took up that role and internalized it - being responsible for other people.

That's why I think it would be good for renter to work on establishing the boundaries for herself and the rest will fall into place. The anger will have a chance to dissipate.

It's too much pressure feeling you are responsible for making someone else happy (and the flip side, what will happen if I don't? Will she do something to harm herself?). For real.

My mom would love it if I called once a week. I'm awful with scheduled communication like that, though. Plus I'm not a big phone person altogether. But I'd never be spiteful about her wanting me to call her. I get my fair share of guilt trips because I don't call as often as I should or as she would like, but she's my mom.

And, you're right, a lot of this is probably her effort to fill in the void of not having a life partner at this stage. But don't expect any boyfriend she has in the future, no matter how energetic, to alleviate her desire for regular communication with her kids. While it might be a bigger burden we face than those who have parents entering the post-kids-at-home phase together, it really is a small "burden" to bear. If your list of big life problems includes your mom wanting you to call her on Saturdays, I'd say things are going pretty well and that you could afford to take it a bit easier.

Just assert yourself so that, whether she likes it or not, she knows what to expect. "I'm too busy to text back and forth during the week, but I'll call you on Saturdays to catch up."

Absolutely J.Man.

" "I'm too busy to text back and forth during the week, but I'll call you on Saturdays to catch up.""

Of course one's Mother wants to keep in touch and so do sons and daughters. I lived abroad so I phoned her twice a week. But she didn't engage in asking me to make her happy or find a boyfriend for her (she didn't want one lol). I know she was lonely after my Dad died, they'd been married such a long time. She kept herself busy, had friends, and visited us abroad when she could. In other words, no clinginess.....

What would be a comfortable amount of contact for you to have with your mom?

One phone call a week? One visit? Less, more?

As far as texting and social media goes, what would work for you?

 

It's all about setting boundaries. It's harder to do that when you are emotionally invested in her changing though. She might not. She might be one of those people who won't do anything to take control of her own loneliness.

Once or twice a week but not set days.

1. Me to call her every saturday

 

2. Respond to every pointless text

 

3. My 13 year old cousin to text her on saturdays

 

4. My brother to contact her when she sends a text

1. She is your mother, it would be nice if you called her on your own free will even more often than every Saturday, in my opinion. Even if she was married to a very energetic man who kept her busy at all times. I fail to see how contacting your mother at least once a week is such a chore and seems ridiculous to you.

2. Maybe those texts are not so pointless to her, maybe they are her way to keep in touch with you because you know...she's your mother and she cares about you and enjoys hearing from you

3. I don't know what the deal with the cousin is, but i don't find it all that strange that she would like her family members to stay in touch with her

4. Isn't that common sense? When someone sends you a text, the polite, natural thing to do is answer it. Like you, your brother is her child too so I don't see anything wrong with her wanting to hear from her kids.

Sorry, but I just don't see anything wrong with her "expectations", they are just natural expectations for one to have, regardless who else is in her life. Wanting to hear from your kids is not 'needing attention'. I suppose you don't have kids of your own yet? When you do, look back at this post and re-evaluate if your mom's wishes are really as ridiculous as you're making them out to be now.

My suggestion is to cherish every text you get from her, because she won't be around forever and the day will come when you'll wish you'd get one of these "needy" texts.

1. She is your mother, it would be nice if you called her on your own free will even more often than every Saturday, in my opinion. Even if she was married to a very energetic man who kept her busy at all times. I fail to see how contacting your mother at least once a week is such a chore and seems ridiculous to you.

 

2. Maybe those texts are not so pointless to her, maybe they are her way to keep in touch with you because you know...she's your mother and she cares about you and enjoys hearing from you

 

3. I don't know what the deal with the cousin is, but i don't find it all that strange that she would like her family members to stay in touch with her

 

4. Isn't that common sense? When someone sends you a text, the polite, natural thing to do is answer it. Like you, your brother is her child too so I don't see anything wrong with her wanting to hear from her kids.

 

Sorry, but I just don't see anything wrong with her "expectations", they are just natural expectations for one to have, regardless who else is in her life. Wanting to hear from your kids is not 'needing attention'. I suppose you don't have kids of your own yet? When you do, look back at this post and re-evaluate if your mom's wishes are really as ridiculous as you're making them out to be now.

My suggestion is to cherish every text you get from her, because she won't be around forever and the day will come when you'll wish you'd get one of these "needy" texts.

Maybe in my case yes but I don't think she should be expecting her 13 year old niece to contact her every saturday. Sounds kind of wacky. I never contacted my aunts when I wasn't around them at 13

She has been with this guy for about 4 years and he is not the most upbeat person so she seeks attention from other relatives. She spends the weekend at his house every week and while she is there he is sleep so she demands attention from me, my brother and my cousin through text or phone. Proof of this is last night I talked with her the phone for over a hour while she at his house which ridiculous and lets me know she needs a new man.

 

So because her boyfriend is half dead she is now expecting

 

1. Me to call her every saturday

 

2. Respond to every pointless text

 

3. My 13 year old cousin to text her on saturdays

 

4. My brother to contact her when she sends a text

 

 

 

She needs to get a new man or a hobby so she won't be so depended on her family for all this planned communication. Looks like to me she needs to stay home on the weekends if she is bored while she is while she is there with him

 

Had no idea my mom would become this annoying when she was in her 60's. My grandmom was not like this at all because she had her shows and always something to do

 

 

I told her last night......."Stop putting expectations on people when it comes to contacting you because it's going to make them not want to contact you at all"

Wait a minute. I thought your mom didn't know how to use technology. Maybe instead of being so judgmental to your mom you talk to her and find out why she's with this guy if he really is so bad.

You don't have to call her or text her back. No one does. I honestly think you're exaggerating this after your last post. I would hate to be your mom honestly.

Because she is not doing anything about her lonliness just driving everyone crazy with her texting. I told her that when I was 13 I never talked to my aunts when I wasn't around and that is how my 13 year old cousin is now.

 

You are not supposed to ask someone........"did you get my text?"

Says who? I have asked people if they got my text because sometimes it doesn't go through or I'm in an area with crappy reception. I will ask if it's someone who regularly answers and if they don't answer I get worried.

You are not the queen of texting. Stop being so mean to your mom.

Maybe in my case yes but I don't think she should be expecting her 13 year old niece to contact her every saturday. Sounds kind of wacky. I never contacted my aunts when I wasn't around them at 13

So what if you didn't? Did you have cell phones when you were 13? I sure didn't and I would have loved to have been able to easily communicate with my aunts, uncles and cousins with texts then.

The only thing that sounds "whacky" is your animosity toward your mom. Did she abuse you? Do something to hurt you? Why so harsh to her?

So what if you didn't? Did you have cell phones when you were 13? I sure didn't and I would have loved to have been able to easily communicate with my aunts, uncles and cousins with texts then.

 

The only thing that sounds "whacky" is your animosity toward your mom. Did she abuse you? Do something to hurt you? Why so harsh to her?

She just has suddenly needing all this attention which was not the case 10 years ago. I actually prefer to talk to her face to face because all her phone conversations are one-sided and she just wants you to listen to her go on and one about things you have no interest in. The minute you want to say something about you or your day she has no interest and wants to start talking again. She is not like that face to face only on the phone.

Is there a way you could see your mom face to face once a week?

Is there a way you could see your mom face to face once a week?

twice a month which would be every other week. Not once a week. I think I will ask her about having brunch every other saturday instead of me holding the phone listening to her ramble on and on.

twice a month which would be every other week. Not once a week. I think I will ask her about having brunch every other saturday instead of me holding the phone listening to her ramble on and on.

That is a great idea.

twice a month which would be every other week. Not once a week. I think I will ask her about having brunch every other saturday instead of me holding the phone listening to her ramble on and on.

Once upon a time people talked to each other by phone and called it a conversation or "keeping in touch." It's hard to tell what it is like with you and your mom, but like others, I don't see this an issue, or that if she has a boyfriend she shouldn't need to talk to anyone else. It's a little confusing by your opening post what the real objection is. Your idea of meeting face to face is good, and it gives you an option when you want to cut a phone/text conversation short. You can just say you have to go, and will see her Saturday at 1:30 (i.e. whenever you've planned together).