Abused Friend Needs Me, But....

Please tell me if I am in the wrong here as I'm bothered by it but I need to look after myself too. About a year ago I met a new friend and I met her partner who I actually hit it off with more and eventually myself and partner who can be called P became very close. We would hang out the three of us but eventuall it was just P and I as the other girl is a workaholic and really never seemed very interested in close friendship in the first place. P begins to confide in me that she is being mistreated and her gf has control and anger issues. P gets called manly fat and useless on a regular basis. She often gets lied to and talked down to. P has never really met her partners friends or family. Things have been violent in the past.

But P is one of those "but I love her" types and so nothing gets done about it but I'm her venting board. I don't have many friends and I like her so I try to stick it out and be there and distract her. It even got to a point where I was taking her out every weekend. Lunches movies dinners etc

So eventually they move in together. P is on government subsidy for depression and was living with her father prior. She doesn't work and has limited funds. Once they move in together all of a sudden she is now being taken advantage of financially too so the depression and venting gets worse.

At this point, whenever I talk or hang with P all she does is complain and ask for advice and wallow about her situation. She can't go back to her dad's. She has no funds to go anywhere else. I would take her home and she wouldn't even get out of my car for two or three hours cause she "needs to talk" so I backed away cause I couldn't do it anymore. Being with her became EXHAUSTING. Not once have I ever been asked how I'm doing or whats new with me. Its all about her and her partner and how awful it is. For hours on end.

I would get texts all day about what her partner did and said and into all hours of the night. Now I guess they "broke up" cause P found some evidence of infidelity. But I'm not buying it. I told her I'm unsure I want to be friends anymore. She says she needa someone to get through the break up and then lost it on me when I said I don't know I can.

Am I being infair? She does need support but I've tried that with her. And she walked into all of this despite all the warnings. And my warnings. I guess she's getting counselling and they are telling her things I tried to tell her a year ago. Its so frustrating. Any ideas on how to ease the guilt I'm feeling?

If you speak to her just tell her you feel out of your depth with her issues, and give her the number of a good councellor. Sadly, a lot of mental health issues can make the sufferer look very self indulgent.

You've tried and she's sucking the life out of you. You've behaved like a good friend; she hasn't. You're not her parent or her therapist. I see nothing wrong with looking out for yourself, now, and ending the friendship.

This kind of person can get very draining and will eventually drag you down with them if you let them. Also, by continuing to support them in their unhealthy behaviour - you are enabling them to continue; no change necessary!

You CAN explain that you're out of your depth and suggest that she gets help; there's also no need to break off the friendship if you're fond of her for other reasons. Let her know you enjoy her company, all that, but you're not prepared to listen to her talking about her relationship any more because you feel it's damaging to both of you.

You are in over your head. Tell her to call a domestic violence hotline, maybe specializing in LGBT relationships. Also she needs to go to social services to get assistance with living and other basic housing, food, medical expenses. You need to stop enabling her as it's draining you and preventing her from getting realistic solutions to her problems.

P is on government subsidy for depression.She has no funds to go anywhere else.

Sounds pretty much like a situation i found myself in. About a year and a half ago my girlfriend and mother of my 3 kids got busted out by the kids for having sex with her dads best friend/ roommate. I broke it off with her. Right away she tried to keep the kids from me for half the year. Non stop saying her new bf his name starts with a P were just friends. I met him one time and saw right through him on sight. Alcoholic, meth addict, woman beating convict. She changed 100% and kept doing anything and everything to make it possible for her and my kids to move in with him. He is very abusive. My situation gets very bad and i wont bore you with the details. But he started beating on her, making her be a delivery girl when he sells meth, at times makes her have sex with his suppliers so he can get free drugs. Uses her for every penny.

None of us were meant to be in relationships that are damaging to ourselves. If being her friend is self destructive, then that is a relationship you need to leave behind.

Your guilt Is a clue that you've taken on too much responsibility. These are her choices. It's her life. Love her as she is or let her go.

It's very admirable that you're being such an amazing friend but ultimately friendships are a two way thing - regardless of situations - and she's neither fulfilling her side of the relationship nor listening to anything you're suggesting to her. Been there done that....sometimes there are no words left and you have to say " OK, from now on you have to sort yourself out - I can literally offer no more advice" and let them get on with it. It's not for you to get dragged into something you have no control over. Sometimes, tough love is the only answer. You have to look after you too. Take a step back. Be well X