Do you stay friends after dating?

I was dating this guy for about 10 months. I'm 40, he's 49. When we met we quickly became great friends and eventually friends w/benefits and then dating. Our friendship is amazing. We have great chemistry. The laughing is non stop. He's very caring and attentive. By far the best guy I've ever been with. But earlier this week he said that he doesn't feel those special romantic bf/gf feelings for me and that he doesn't want to string me along. But he loves and adores me and wants me in his life and for us to stay best friends. I'm totally head over heels for him. I love him and I really thought this would go somewhere. He was very honest with me and it wasn't like we had a fight or anything. I can't force someone to be in love with me. I told him I needed distance and to clear my head. I'm so upset that he doesn't want to be with me. I feel rejected. I haven't spoken to him all week. I've never been in this position where I'm in love with someone and they don't feel the same way so I don't know what to do.

Do I try to be just friends with him? I want to call him to say hello and just check in, so to speak. But my girl friend keeps telling me to ignore him and not talk to him for as long as possible. It just feels weird and wrong to blatantly ignore him. Obviously, I cannot see him for a while and I don't plan to but I would like to talk to him. Not a day went by that we didn't speak since the first day we met. What do I do? Do I toss this friendship away or do I take some time, try to mend my bruised ego and heart, and see if I can slowly start a platonic friendship with him in the near future? Should I at least call him?

It sounds like it started as fwb and he wants to maintain that arrangement. The best position right now is to be with someone who IS into you for dating/a relationship, that way you won't waste time on unrequited feelings. Don't be his friend or fwb. Block him altogether from your phone and social media. Get on a dating app and look for guys who want dating and relationships, not this nebulous fwb/friends thing.

He did say we couldn't have sex and that he would rather not have sex and save our friendship. I"m sure he would love to keep that scenario alive and well but I felt like he was sincere when he said things had to change and we had to stop being intimate because he didn't want to hurt me any further.

That's a bitter pill to swallow. The issue here is aren't you always going to want more? Can you handle just being friends? What happens when dates another woman or ask your advice about his girlfriend? Maybe you have that one in a million opportunity to be just friends. You should think that thru, so the healing can begin.

Find other friends and a guy who cares about you and wants a relationship with you. You don't need him as a friend and often people just say that to soften the blow. Let go or it will continue to be a thorn in your side.

Wow good point. I didn't think about how it would make me feel when he finds someone else. I'm sure that would hurt. A lot. I've stayed friends w/exes before but I was never in love with them so it was easy to flip on the friend switch. Now that I'm older, I think it's harder because I take my relationships more seriously and I really fell for this guy. I think if I had someone else, I would be able to be friends with him but that could be a long time before I have a new bf.

It sucks and blows. I know. But, I know I don't want to see my exgirlfriend with some other guy. I want her to be happy, but I definitely don't need to see it play out.

Nope, I don't. I long ago found out if they don't want what I want at the same time, what's the point? All it does is lock you in place to be available to him while he's out also dating and having sex with other women. In short, you've missed the fact this guy wants you around for his convenience and his pleasure, and he's actually not taking your feelings and how it will hurt you into consideration.

It's actually the height of selfishness when guys or gals you've been dating do this to you. They've demoted you to backup plan and/or sex with no strings and you don't even recognize it for all the flattery and flowery words. And it's a really selfish, crap thing to do. And anyone halfway decent with empathy recognizes this, which is why the good ones won't try to keep you around. They break things off cleanly and let you go to find someone who does want the same things.

The bad ones manipulate you into giving them what they want, while they have no responsibility to you. It's also one of the oldest player tricks in the book. "Get her hooked, make her think I really value her, pull the bait and switcheroo routine of "Oh let's just be friends" and then move on to the next one. I have a nice little stable dong that."

And that whole, "OH I don't want sex from you," is likely BS as well. He'll have you around then things will happen and blah-blah-blah, gosh he's soooo sorry. It'll never happen again, but yes it will happen again. And I find his "I don't want to hurt you" laughable when he's just told you he doesn't want a romantic relationship with you after all. Hello, what do you think he just did? He knows it, and it's kind of sad you're so out of touch with your own needs you won't recognize it and break things off, because his words aren't matching up with his actions.

Put this another way, would you accept it if your boss came to you and said, "Look, I know you love this job, but I can't afford to pay your right now. But I really, really just like your work and you do so much for my company, so please stay with me and just volunteer. Maybe someday who knows, I might be able to pay you again." So you volunteer and volunteer and meanwhile the bills stack up, because this boss pretty much expects you to be available whenever he wants. Then you come into work one day and there's a new girl in your place AND she's getting paid.

And you're told sorry, this was only a volunteer position and you knew that. And when you pitch a fit or cry or get upset the boss says you have no right to do so, because you knew the circumstances and he was "very upfront" with you about that.

Because that's exactly what you're signing up for if you keep being friends with this guy and accept his half a loaf crap "volunteer" (only on your part though, did you not notice that?) position in his life.

I'm really sorry, but why are you putting someone else's needs above your own when they just rejected you? My advice, as much as it hurts now, keep your dignity and self-esteem and respect in place, tell him life doesn't work where he gets only what he wants and you don't. Then block and delete him and move on to find someone who can.

Staying "friends" with someone you are head over heels in love with is absolutely pointless and detrimental to your mental health and wellbeing. Instead of moving on and giving someone new a fair chance, you would keep hoping and comparing, not to mention you will be constantly hurt every time he tells you (or you see on his social media) that he's dating someone else. What's the point in doing this to yourself?

Plus, your future partner will not like the fact that you're still "friends" with someone you had sex, dated and were in love with, and neither will his future partners - with good reason. The "friendship" would have no future, and you know it.

I agree with your friend, tell him that staying friends is not an option, and that you need complete no contact in order to move on.

Paris, you just blew my mind with that work analogy. I don't even know what to say. I feel so hurt right now. Everything you wrote seems to hit the nail on the head. I think I am holding on because he was so wonderful to me while we were together and it "felt" like he loved me. But it doesn't matter because his words indicate otherwise and that's what I have to go on. I'm doing my best to be strong and continue having no contact with him. It's only been since Monday but I'm assuming (hoping) this gets easier as more time goes by.

Nope, I don't. I long ago found out if they don't want what I want at the same time, what's the point? All it does is lock you in place to be available to him while he's out also dating and having sex with other women. In short, you've missed the fact this guy wants you around for his convenience and his pleasure, and he's actually not taking your feelings and how it will hurt you into consideration.

 

It's actually the height of selfishness when guys or gals you've been dating do this to you. They've demoted you to backup plan and/or sex with no strings and you don't even recognize it for all the flattery and flowery words. And it's a really selfish, crap thing to do. And anyone halfway decent with empathy recognizes this, which is why the good ones won't try to keep you around. They break things off cleanly and let you go to find someone who does want the same things.

 

The bad ones manipulate you into giving them what they want, while they have no responsibility to you. It's also one of the oldest player tricks in the book. "Get her hooked, make her think I really value her, pull the bait and switcheroo routine of "Oh let's just be friends" and then move on to the next one. I have a nice little stable dong that."

 

And that whole, "OH I don't want sex from you," is likely BS as well. He'll have you around then things will happen and blah-blah-blah, gosh he's soooo sorry. It'll never happen again, but yes it will happen again. And I find his "I don't want to hurt you" laughable when he's just told you he doesn't want a romantic relationship with you after all. Hello, what do you think he just did? He knows it, and it's kind of sad you're so out of touch with your own needs you won't recognize it and break things off, because his words aren't matching up with his actions.

 

Put this another way, would you accept it if your boss came to you and said, "Look, I know you love this job, but I can't afford to pay your right now. But I really, really just like your work and you do so much for my company, so please stay with me and just volunteer. Maybe someday who knows, I might be able to pay you again." So you volunteer and volunteer and meanwhile the bills stack up, because this boss pretty much expects you to be available whenever he wants. Then you come into work one day and there's a new girl in your place AND she's getting paid.

 

And you're told sorry, this was only a volunteer position and you knew that. And when you pitch a fit or cry or get upset the boss says you have no right to do so, because you knew the circumstances and he was "very upfront" with you about that.

 

Because that's exactly what you're signing up for if you keep being friends with this guy and accept his half a loaf crap "volunteer" (only on your part though, did you not notice that?) position in his life.

 

I'm really sorry, but why are you putting someone else's needs above your own when they just rejected you? My advice, as much as it hurts now, keep your dignity and self-esteem and respect in place, tell him life doesn't work where he gets only what he wants and you don't. Then block and delete him and move on to find someone who can.

I have to give Paris credit for this one! A very good analogy!!!!

The second there is attraction, there is NO friendship. It's simply an act. Friends don't have deeper intentions and are honest.

Remember this

And you will also prevent yourself from finding a future partner that you really want. Would you date someone that has unfinished business or has relationships with their Ex? Think about that.

The answer is NEVER EVER do this

Because you seem to be more emotionally invested into this dynamic than him, I don't think a true friendship based on more or less equal emotional distance from each other would be possible before your emotional detachment anyway. Because you say you are upset and you are rejected, this difference in the emotional distance has the potential of hurting you. Would you be comfortable with him telling you about the new women he fancies like friends comfortably do? If not, I would not put myself in this painful situation. Also, if I felt that I was having to settle with a "friendship" because it would be the maximum he was giving me, I would not do it because that wouldn't be a real friendship at this stage. Maybe after I worked on my wounds and detached.

Ask yourself this ..... how will you feel when he finally stops wanting to be friends with you because someone far more important has come into his life? Because that is the way this type of "friendship" always goes.

It's only been since Monday but I'm assuming (hoping) this gets easier as more time goes by.

It does. Give it two weeks of no contact and you'll go through a stage of being really angry with him then you'll be bored and then over it. But if you let him hang around you won't really be able to move on until he does...with someone else. And yeah, it'll hurt twice as much. The reason I know all this is I've been there.

And everyone is on their best behavior at the beginning of anything. Of course he treated you nicely, he should. We all should treat each other that way as a given, not a privilege, not a right, but just as a given one human being to another.

But the thing is "nice" alone doesn't cut it in a relationship. There also has to be high interest, compatibility, wanting the same things at the same time, and consistency and the ability to grow together towards something deeper.

If you don't have those things it does not really, in the end, matter how "nice" they were to you or how "nice" they hold out they are. It simply isn't going to work.

P.S. Really nice people recognize that they can't take someone who they know has feelings for them and keep them around for their own convenience or simply because they don't want to lose what you have to offer BUT don't want to give you what they also know you want.

What he tried to pull isn't actually very nice. And maybe he was just doing the whole "let you down easy" or maybe he'll try and angle to keep you around while he is free of any and all responsibility, only time will tell that.

But in the meantime arrange your life to go out with friends, maybe go on a date or two when you're ready, don't put your life on hold for this guy and if he contacts you again tell him too bad. You don't see a need to be his friend and let him have it all his way.

You'll be fine. I know it hurts and it's just a part of dating, but in a couple of weeks of no contact you're going to see things a whole lot clearer than in the middle of hurt emotions. Good luck and do post here and read other people's stories. It helps.

I'm so sorry you're in this situation. I am in a very similar one myself. In fact the only difference is that my relationship was a bit longer - 1.5 years. I have a thread about it in the ex-boyfriend/girlfriend relationships forum.

Anyway, same thing. A great relationship, in which he made me feel very loved. Not a perfect relationship, but by far the best one I have ever been in. And he is walking away, like your guy, in order to seek some spark or magic he feels is missing. All the while he's telling me how special I am, how much he doesn't want to lose me, and how much he wants to stay friends. It's mind blowingly selfish on his part, but hard to resist because I still love him. So yeah, I totally get what you're going through.

I got excellent advice on my thread and you have here as well. The work/volunteer analogy was particularly helpful. Brutal, but helpful. Thank you, Paris.

I outlined firm NC with my guy on Tuesday evening. He reacted with a lot more emotion than I was anticipating, but I held strong. I hope you do to. (Of course this is day four...we'll see how I'm holding up in a few more weeks!). Try to stay focused on two things. One: his desire to remain friends is about his own needs. Not yours. And two: if you decide to cut him out of your life, remember that you are not saying no to the relationship you had, and the one you wanted. You're saying no to the relationship he's offering instead. Because that relationship isn't what you want, need, or deserve, and it will ultimately bring you only more pain.

This is agony right now. I get it. I'm there too. Right now it's a beautiful day outside and I can't even motivate myself off the couch. I hope with time it will get better and easier. For you and for me. Hang in there.

I agree with the others that if you still want to be with him, avoid the friendship - especially given how you would feel to hear about a woman he does have those feelings for.

I appreciate everyone's input soooo incredibly much. It has officially been one whole week w/no contact. I made sure I planned a lot of stuff w/friends over the weekend to distract myself and it worked perfectly. I even had fun The battle for me comes during the week at work (I am alone for a good part of the day) sitting at my desk thinking too much. But I will say I feel like I got over a hump and I think the no contact will be easier this week. It still hurts not to talk to someone you spoke to a gazillion times a day for 9 months but this is how it has to be.

Hi LegalGirl,

You are doing so well! I was nowhere near as together at this point in my last break-up as you are. Kudos, girl!

Youareworthy

Hi LegalGirl,

 

You are doing so well! I was nowhere near as together at this point in my last break-up as you are. Kudos, girl!

 

Youareworthy

THANK YOU!!! I appreciate that! It's hard as hell but I'm sticking to my guns.

I'd say break all contact. I did with my ex, and I think if she really wanted to be friends she'd have made it happen, but she didn't and so I can only believe that she wanted me at her convenience. That actually makes it worse in some ways, because you have to view someone you loved in a way that makes you dislike them, but it also helps you move on because you start to see them in a new light. I believe that he does want to be friends, but if he wanted to be close friends in the way he said, he'd be the one calling you and trying to stay in contact and you wouldn't even question the sincerity of his words. When my ex broke up with me I thought I'd never feel that way about someone again. In truth, I won't, but not because I loved her so much, more because it was all young love and butterflies and whatnot. I met someone else, and I was unsure for quite some time but I'm growing into the relationship and can see a future there, but it's more 'real' than it was with my ex as we're more adult now, and know what we want from a partnership. Break all contact with him and see if he tries to get back in touch; if he does, you'll either know he was being genuine, or enough time will have passed so that you don't care about what he wants.