College, depression, long distance relationship, what am I doing?

Hello.

I don't know if I can solve my problems in here, but I think I'd feel better just talking about it.

I'm a 19 year old girl, first year in college, undergraduate degree in pharmaceutical sciences. I am brazilian, so my english proficiency might not be the best.

Anyway, this is my life, I used to live in the big city of Sao Paulo with my father and my stepmother(who dislikes me very much), on the weekends I'd go out with my boyfriend and from time to time I went to my mother's house, but now I am 120km away from home(which isn't a lot), living alone for the first time and going to college. At first I was really excited, because my life was just stressful before, and I was always sad because of my stepmother.

And now I am starting to feel like I am not happy, meaning, I'm totally down. I feel I don't belong here in the field of pharmaceutical sciences(today I felt humiliated by a teacher, so that won't help right). My grades, on a scale from 0 to 10 are usually 3 or 4, even if I study. Many friends from college are doing better than me even when they're busier(parties), probably because they have some sort of talent that I don't have. I feel like I could have a job in this field, I don't hate it, but I know it's not what I love, and I might regret it later.

In high school I studied arts, and graphic design, that's what I reaallyy loved, I did not choose to follow through that path because I'm a very introvert person, and I'd have to work with clients, selling my work, calling people, have lots of contacts. That's basically not me, and I had no confidence that I could do that[back then] Well, I'm basically living a hell studying things I really don't like, so maybe I could go back to graphic design(??) (that I have talent for)

So basically, I hate this place

Plus, my relationship with my boyfriend. He is the person I love the most and it's really hard to find somebody like him, we've been together for a year. He is the first person I run to whenever I want to cry, But sometimes I feel like all I do is think of him. sometimes I wish I'd make these 5 years of college be gone and I'd marry him in Sao Paulo.And that's weird because I don't want to depend on him to be happy, to breath, to eat, to live my own life. I thought I was supposed to have my own dreams and to study what I love and to follow a profession I love, but instead, getting married?? thats my only dream?? Is that even ok?

And here's the big question: Why don't I drop college?

1: My father spent a lot of money just to put me here, living alone, buying food, even bought a bike for me.

2: This is the best or second best university of Brazil, absolutely no one will let me drop it, unless I tell them I will kill myself

Here's what I want to know.

Am I supposed to study what I love and follow this profession even when I'm not sure I fit it?

or am I supposed to study some really hard things like chemistry, physics, mathematics that I hate, and having a job that is pretty cool, I think?

What about my boyfriend? I'm going crazy, I think I'm addicted to him, I wish I were just cool about it.

I think I just fell to the ground and I can't get up. I don't know what I'm doing, help?

Switch majors/programs or you will be miserable. But don't drop out and get married as a solution to choosing the wrong field of study. Just change that. Speak with your collage advisers/administrators to see what other major you can apply credits earned so far to. lot's of people switch majors, fields of study...happens all the time. You are not addicted to your BF. You picked the wrong major and you're homesick. That will clear up next year, when you pick another course of study and get to know more people on campus in classes that you like. Join some organizations. Check online all the things this uni offers.

I think you should switch courses and take what you like not something that's causing you so much stress. I also think you are working thru the transition of a teen in high school to a college student on your own and that's a hard transition. Most students have times of wondering if they are doing the right thing, did they pick the right course, feeling homesick etc. This will pass as you grow and mature and find your way in life.

I had the SAME problems as you did when I transferred my undergraduate school and lived 4 hours away from the boyfriend. OMG it sucked and I had homesickness. I had a very heard time fitting in with groups- especially since most of the student organizations were way over the top liberal for my tastes (the only club that I fitted in better was the Spanish club). I didn't party either because I really wanted to get the hell out of school as quick as I can to get back to a serious boyfriend- Plus having a job gave me actual money of my own to spend.

Definitely talk to your advisor about switching a program that you not only love, but will help you find a job right after graduation.

As for the boyfriend... If it makes you feel any better I met my husband at 19, did the long distance (hard has hell), but stayed in touch through an online game/occasional weekend visits. We broke up for one year to date other people, but came back together. We are now happily married. Just keep doing your thing and do not worry about your boyfriend- if it is meant to be, it will work out.

Hi Cookielover

I had exactly the same feeling when I just started college, so believe me when I say I know how you feel. I ended up switching majors to a completely different field after the first semester. It was a MESS and I had to start all over again, but it was the best decision I ever made.

If you feel like your major is not for you, look at changing. Is there another field that appeals to you? Talk it through with a student advisor, and if you can I advise talking to students and teachers from the majors that interest you the most. Take your time over your decision.

As for your relationship, a LDR is tough and coping with sadness is normal, but you do need some coping strategies to avoid it spiraling into depression. I actually just wrote an article about this topic on my blog: surviveldr.com/advice/coping-with-sadness-when-youre-in-a-long-distance-relationship/ - I hope some of the advice in here can help you.

Look after you first, keep talking with your boyfriend so he doesn't feel pushed away while you deal with the things going on around you, and best of luck.

Jx

Cookie:

Let's get things in order.

You say you'd prefer arts and graphic design. But.....you also say you are an "introvert" and you would therefore not be any good at having to deal with clients and so on. You say: "That's basically not me, and I had no confidence that I could do that[back then]"

Moving along to your present degree course, pharmaceuticals.

I have a feeling the eventual job prospects would be a lot better in this particular field. You could have work that is, so to speak, out of the limelight, and as you are an "introvert" maybe that would suit you better.

So, you have to weigh things as if on a scales......

Also, I truly believe this present experience will be good for you. In five years' time you will see things differently, even be a different person. You will then be 24.

So, I would say, take this degree. Meantime, over the next years get involved in an extra-curricular scenario, in arts, design and areas related thereto.