His children don't like me. At all.

Hello guys. I'm new here and my name's Joanna.

So... I'm dating a man who's 24 years older than me, for about 11 months.

Everything's great. We get along really well and he's totally the best thing in my life.

But, there is an important problem.

He has two daughters with another woman (they were married but got divorced, three years ago) and I'm trying to be good and nice to them because I know it's important to him. But, they hate me. I've tried so hard. I've spent 10 or a bit more weekends with them. We went shopping, we went to buy toys (they're 11 and 8 ). I cooked for them, I'm becoming so ridiculous trying to do the best but they don't care. Simply, they don't give a little piece of concern. He says that it's because they're shy and all those things that a dad finds as good excuses. But, the truth is that they can't stand me. I know that it is hard for them to accept me, but their mother has also a boyfriend and they like him a lot.

The older girl had a problem with some guys bullying her and I wanted to help her out giving her some advice because I've been there. I talked to her and I told her to be strong and to talk about such stuff to her parents or her teachers, and you know what she told me back? "I'd bully you, as well". Well, maybe I'm a bad person but this quote broke my heart, actually. I don't think that they do this because they're mean. They're nice kids with values but they just don't like me. At all!!!

Maybe, this happens because daughters are daddy's kids. (I was not) but, maybe this is the thing.

What can I do? Should I stop seeing them? Should I talk to them or to him?

Thank you for spending your time and you read my issue. Your replies and tips would be a bless. Thank you again.

You have to remember this is not personal this is two little kids who just want their parents to get back together . If the father was going out with another woman they would hate her too. It is not about you.

What are the ages here of your partner and yourself?

How long has their mother been with her boyfriend. How long did it take for them to warm to him? How many gf's has Dad had?

Don't forget, they're at difficult ages, and you've "taken" their dad. Only you can choose whether he's worth riding it out for.

How long were you dating him before being introduced to his daughters?

Thank you, your comment is well appreciated, Victoria66

What are the ages here of your partner and yourself?

He's 47 and I'm 23.

How long has their mother been with her boyfriend. How long did it take for them to warm to him? How many gf's has Dad had?

 

Don't forget, they're at difficult ages, and you've "taken" their dad. Only you can choose whether he's worth riding it out for.

Well, I know that their mother and her boyfriend got together some months after the split. I don't know how much time they did to accept him. But, I don't know if I should ask to learn. I know it's not personal, the children don't like me because they truly believe that I mean to their father more than they do, which is a lie. He was in a relationship before me, with a woman, much older than me but she never was introduced to them, he has told me.

You're right and I've thought of it, as well. I think he's worth it. I would've left if I was tired from the first time I felt so.

How long were you dating him before being introduced to his daughters?

I think, seven months... Yes. Seven months.

the children don't like me because they truly believe that I mean to their father more than they do

How's that happened?

How's that happened?

I assume that, I've no idea if it's true.

I think, seven months... Yes. Seven months.

That's way too soon for you to be introduced to his children. At their ages, I can certainly see why they're confused and apparently resentful.

This is nothing personal against you, I'm sure you're a nice person, but children that age see things much differently.

Was it your partners idea to introduce you to the children? Are you there during his time with them then? Had he asked or brought up you moving in or anything?

That's way too soon for you to be introduced to his children. At their ages, I can certainly see why they're confused and apparently resentful.

 

This is nothing personal against you, I'm sure you're a nice person, but children that age see things much differently.

I know that you're right. If you ask me, my real opinion is that I should've not met them back then. Actually, I'd not do it now, too. But, it happened. The truth is that I thought it was much easier because we have a small age gap and I actually can do things that we all like. But, it turned out to be a nightmare. I accuse myself of this. Would I like if my dad was with another woman? I think I'd be confused.

Thank you for you beautiful words. I don't think that I'm nice. But, you absolutely are that you're helping me. Thank you. It's very appreciated.

Was it your partners idea to introduce you to the children? Are you there during his time with them then? Had he asked or brought up you moving in or anything?

Well, it was his idea. I wasn't skeptical, though. He casually told me "You should meet my girls" and I just said "Okay". I didn't think of what they would feel. It was so wrong. He thought that they were mature enough to handle this. But, let's be honest, it was wrong and I can see it now.

I sometimes hang out with them. However, I'm not constantly with them because I think it's weird. But, yeah... It is always weird.

He has asked me to move in with him, but I said no because he lives alone but he has the girls every weekend. I can't live like that.

Really their dad should've considered their feelings . I think a lot of times when parents divorce they are all tied up in their own suffering and their own race to find a new partner . A lot of times they are just blind to their own children's sufferings. It assuages their guilt to think that their children are not suffering as much they do. A lot of the time I think they just think kids get over it. But divorce is really devastating for children ,they internalize that . Young children don't have the capacity to think oh well maybe it is just the fact that my parents don't get on together . It is very well documented that young children internalize divorce as a comment on themselves . They think that they were bad and horrible kids and that's why their parents are no longer together .

My parents divorced when I was six . And I remember my dad swapping new women in and out of our life every few months . It was not a good feeling at all .

Really their dad should've considered their feelings . I think a lot of times when parents divorce they are all tied up in their own suffering and their own race to find a new partner . A lot of times they are just blind to their own children's sufferings. It assuages their guilt to think that their children are not suffering as much they do. A lot of the time I think they just think kids get over it. But divorce is really devastating for children ,they internalize that . Young children don't have the capacity to think oh well maybe it is just the fact that my parents don't get on together . It is very well documented that young children internalize divorce as a comment on themselves . They think that they were bad and horrible kids and that's why their parents are no longer together .

 

My parents divorced when I was six . And I remember my dad swapping new women in and out of our life every few months . It was not a good feeling at all .

I know that you're right. You have experienced this. The truth is that my parents were fighting a lot and the problems were huge. They never divorced though, so I don't know what I should've done. But, you're so right. He seems selfish doing all this. He had to keep me far from the kids. It was the right thing. Kids are small and they should be taken care of by their parents. You're so right.

Thank you.

In cases of divorce, usually one parent needs to be the stable force in the children's live to counter balance the erratic parent. That was the case for me. It took years for my boys to be ready to accept a significant other into their lives. They were crushed by the divorce and their father's insistence on introducing his new girlfriend to them before they were ready. While I don't necessarily think that 7 months is too soon for you to meet his kids, it can be too soon if they haven't had a chance to feel normalcy and stability post divorce.

How much time are you spending with them? It's important that he have the majority of weekends devoted to them exclusively. If you meet them for a fun activity once every few weeks, that's enough. The rest of the time, he should focus on being a dad. Enjoy your time together when the kids are with their mother.

I am currently on both sides of this - I have children of my own and am attempting to forge a relationship with my boyfriend's children. It takes time and a great deal of patience. Let his kids take center stage for now. Once you're no longer perceived as a threat for his attention, they should be more willing to accept you.

In cases of divorce, usually one parent needs to be the stable force in the children's live to counter balance the erratic parent. That was the case for me. It took years for my boys to be ready to accept a significant other into their lives. They were crushed by the divorce and their father's insistence on introducing his new girlfriend to them before they were ready. While I don't necessarily think that 7 months is too soon for you to meet his kids, it can be too soon if they haven't had a chance to feel normalcy and stability post divorce.

 

How much time are you spending with them? It's important that he have the majority of weekends devoted to them exclusively. If you meet them for a fun activity once every few weeks, that's enough. The rest of the time, he should focus on being a dad. Enjoy your time together when the kids are with their mother.

 

I am currently on both sides of this - I have children of my own and am attempting to forge a relationship with my boyfriend's children. It takes time and a great deal of patience. Let his kids take center stage for now. Once you're no longer perceived as a threat for his attention, they should be more willing to accept you.

You just made me to open my eyes.

The truth is that I don't spend much time with them, but probably this is much for them. I work in weekends, so it's hard for me to be with them all the time (Thank God). I guess that I should meet them less than I do, though.

They're almost obsessed with their father. It's totally fine because he's a good dad (much better than my dad was anyway). But, a weekend is a short period of time. They probably need to spend it together. He totally needs to focus. You're right.

He and his ex wife have a great relationship and it made me believe that they'd accept me. Wrong!! They need much time to realize some things. I understand. I was so naive.

Good luck with that. I'm sure you've got this. You seem so smart.

Thank you for your help.

Just don't over-try for their acceptance.

Good luck (from back home )

Yes, I'll change my ways. I need to calm down. I'll be a bit more distant. Maybe, this is needed.

Are you Greek? (I miss Greece so much)

Yep

Spent some years in NY studying, a few years back-and then returned.

Don't miss it. I bet you're having a hell of a better time over there (i know i did)

I understand you. Why didn't you stay here? My sister (and my whole family) is back in Greece and she constantly says how much she wants to come. I came here to study because I wanted to stay here since I was younger, but my job is totally hellish. But, I'm here almost alone (I only have two aunties here) and I miss my parents and the sun and the greek lifestyle.

well after graduating, i would have to work 1-2 jobs to make a living as an intern for about a year or so, as my "sponsors" wanted me back home, so they'd stop financing me. I thought i'd return sometime in the future-it just hasn't happened

I understand you. That's what I do. I work really hard. I work as a cashier in a Greek restaurant and I give some lessons to two ladies who pay me well enough. I have studied ancient greek and greek litetature and I really want to occupy with it. But, maybe my dreams are big. My aunt who has works in a bank (a greek one) has told me that they need some cashiers and that the money is good for me. I just don't know... I don't want to come back because I'm in a relationship but if I wasn't, I'd come back as soon as possible.

i was banned for some weird reason and just had to re-register.

 

 

Is that why the deleted posts on my thread? They were helpful posts and I wondered if I had upset you, nice profile pic by the way x

Is that why the deleted posts on my thread? They were helpful posts and I wondered if I had upset you, nice profile pic by the way x

Guys, this sucks. Why do your accountd get banned?

I don't want to come back because I'm in a relationship but if I wasn't, I'd come back as soon as possible.

Is this relationship really a good reason to stay? This man is twice your age and has two young children. Have you really thought about the long-term implications of such an emotional investment? How do you picture your future with him? What about when you are 36 and he is 60? I appreciate that he has given you the emotional support that you are lacking while alone in a foreign country but make sure that you are staying for the right reasons. Teaching ancient greek and greek litetature in the US sounds like a worthy dream to fight for, but staying there on a dead-end job just for the sake of a middle-aged man twice your age with two young kids at the age of 23 sounds like a waste of the best years of your life to me. Your life stages are vastly different which may mean that you may be giving up on the most fun and adventurous decade of your life for the complicated life-style of a married woman with kids. Rest assured that you will have plenty of time to do that in your thirties onward but you won't be able to explore life with the same ease and have the same options that you can afford at 23. Is this choice really conducive to your life goals and aspirations?