Would you rather?...

Random Question

If you and your spouse got into a argument and she/he was screaming at you would you rather her/him say:

" I don't even like you anymore"

Or

I don’t like fights, screaming etc. in a relationship in the first place. You can have an argument, you can disagree with your partner, but I don’t need a partner who is screaming, yelling or swearing. So to answer your question: none of the above.

I think people say so much during fights that they don't mean but it can be really damaging so best to avoid any if possible!

Random Question

 

If you and your spouse got into a argument and she/he was screaming at you would you rather her/him say:

 

" I don't even like you anymore"

 

Or

 

I have to admit, in the first year of our relationship we would sometimes say the later (without the "a-" part, no name calling), which always stopped the argument and started us laughing. I don't know why that worked for us, perhaps because it was so incongruent and or maybe one would say "OK?" and smile, we really had the hots for each other; but it quickly changed the mood, released the tension. We had another silly phrase we could use to stop an argument; it would switch the mood, relieve the tension, and we could either talk calmly or let it go and move on to other things. We were young, new with living together, and it worked for us, but I wouldn't necessarily recommend it, and we only did it in the beginning or before children. We didn't scream.

I can't even imagine anyone saying either of those things to me in an argument, but being told "I don't like you anymore" would probably be worse for me. Curse words are usually just expressions of frustration (I use them in traffic all the time!) but telling someone "I don't like you" or "I hate you" or "you make me sick" or something like that is a lot more personal, and I'd be inclined to think there was SOME truth to it, at least at the time it was said.

I realize that, when angry, many people say things they don't mean, but....I also believe that, when angry, people say a lot of things they DO mean -- things they have kept inside and that just came out in the heat of the moment.

One of my friends told me the other day that her husband said something to her the other day along the lines of "I don't even want to look at you right now" or "I can't stand being in the same room with you right now" (I can't remember which). That would be devastating to me.

I wouldn't be in a relationship where the other.person resorted to screaming or cursing. Or saying cutting and spiteful remarks. The first time it happened would be the last time it happened.

As others have stated, neither of those statements is really acceptable.

But at least the first one is articulate. If that's really how that person feels at that minute, so be it. The second statement is just a manifestation of losing control, and doesn't tell me much.

What are you trying to get at exactly, OP?

They're both outbursts that have no place in a healthy relationship.

That said, the only time it's acceptable to say "I don't like you anymore" is when you are actually breaking up with someone and committing to it. If you're saying, "I don't even like you anymore" as a tool for attack, then I'd absolutely rate it worse than arbitrary expletives.

GENERALLY SPEAKING, it's a very female tactic to concoct the most vile thing you can calmly and articulately say for the sole purpose of drawing a verbally violent response so that they can claim the high ground and "win" whatever argument is at hand. Some of the downright dirtiest things I've ever heard said to me were from women. No expletives, no name calling. Simply a well-thought out sentence solely intended to inflict emotional pain.

Before I'm crucified, it's not just women who do it, and I've only dated a handful who pulled it on me. I very shortly roomed with a couple where the boyfriend would say some terrible things, but he didn't shout or use expletives of any kind. Just.. mean, mean things. But everyone thought the girlfriend was crazy because she would respond with an outburst.

Neither.

My ex would say things like "I don't care any more" or swear at me when we were arguing and neither are acceptable or healthy. You should not accept either response.

I can always deal with someone in a fight giving me a specific thing to handle. "I don't even like you anymore" I would treat as a wakeup call that things have gone off the rails, we need to talk, I need to look at why they don't like me anymore. It would oddly enough, calm me down to hear that, sober me up if you will. That I could handle.

Expletives, name calling, swearing at me, that I have zero tolerance for. Insulting me personally in a manner that only a high school bully would do just tells me this person is going for the throat and doesn't really care, isn't voicing anything, just wants me on the ground bleeding one way or another. Those I leave behind. My first boyfriend called me a nasty name right before he backhanded me for the first, and the last, time. I worked in a women's shelter for years, can't tell you how many stories and times I heard and/or witnessed people in abusive relationships being called names, degraded generally verbally.

So for me no, you call me a swear word or attack me personally I'm done. And I am out. Because that can't be reasoned with and the person saying those things is not someone who is operating on reason. If they hate me enough to call me names that's not someone I want to be under a roof with under any circumstances.

P.S. Children and teens are the exception to that rule, but I have taught all three of my sons not to go there in a fight. That to do so is to either invite physical altercation and/or hurt someone needlessly without ever solving the problem. It's all right to say, "I don't like you anymore" or even "I can't stand what you're doing" "I don't like that thing you do." Because that is telling someone what it is they need to change or talk out. Such statements, even in the heat of a fight, invite change and solutions.

"You're a blank-blank-blank" is just someone's way of picking up a rock and hitting you with it so to speak. There is no intent to express anything but contempt and anger and it gains nothing. And last time I checked no one in any universe I know of ever suddenly resolved issues after being called a "expletive" or calling someone else an "expletive."

I was with a man for 8 yrs. He knew my family..he knew the dynamics. And when he wanted to fight dirty, he took out a verbal stilleto and would cut at my Achilles heel. When I realized why he was doing and what he was doing...it was a clarion bell. I didn't walk...I ran for safety.

He was using his knowledge to drive a wedge between me and my family. My safe port.

Oh so evil.

If you and your spouse got into a argument and she/he was screaming at you

I can't even relate to this at all as I have never been in a relationship where someone screamed at me. Ever. That said, I wouldn't tolerate it and first time someone screams at me will be the last time. I don't allow it and won't put up with crap like that, but that's just me.

I was with a man for 8 yrs. He knew my family..he knew the dynamics. And when he wanted to fight dirty, he took out a verbal stilleto and would cut at my Achilles heel. When I realized why he was doing and what he was doing...it was a clarion bell. I didn't walk...I ran for safety.

 

He was using his knowledge to drive a wedge between me and my family. My safe port.

 

Oh so evil.

What I don't do is make a concerted effort to emotionally stab somebody with a thoughtfully crafted statement and then pretend it's any better than being called an ***hole.

Again, both cases are wrong, but the ridiculous notion of my verbal abuse being less severe simply because I keep a calm tone and don't use expletives has been perpetuated for way too long. Way too many consenting participants have been mislabeled "victims" as a consequence.

If anything, it's the person who can remain calm and still make a concerted effort to say things to hurt someone that worries me the most, not just in relationships but from an overall social perspective.

I wouldn't last long enough with a screamer to hear the insult.