42, Single, Considering single motherhood, but long for love

Hello-

I am very conflicted and and hoping to gain clarity soon.

Background: I am 42.5 years old, and obviously my chances of getting pregnant are much less than even 3 years ago. When I was 34 years old I broke off a 3 year relationship because he did not want kids (he wasn't honest about it when he came to his decision). Since I thought I still had time to find to the right guy, I kept dating. I then had a traumatic relationship with another man (stories are posted here on enotalone) shortly after that, which put me back into the dating pool at 36. By then, it was pretty tough to meet anyone that wanted to start at family with a woman my age. I kept looking for love - my first priority. This past May I started dating another guy (the only serious relationship longer than 3 months I have had since I was 35), and while he did not say he was opposed to children when we met, by this fall he told me that he had decided he did not want kids - we broke up a couple of weeks ago. Even at my age, I felt I did't love him enough to give up on the idea of having a child (plus in all the time together, he never said "I love you"). After 8 months wasted on a another relationship that did not work out, I find myself crushed and single yet again at 42.

Options:

After the breakup, I had a little melt down with regard to the baby situation. I met with some doctors. I have three options (the ease of either are unknown).

(1) to select a sperm donor, and try to get pregnant in my doctor's office by IUI (injecting the frozen sperm into uterus) as soon as next month. this would mean of course that I would have a baby as a single parent, and raise a child as a single parent (not sure if this will be successful in the first try)

(2) go through a fertility stimulation process, and have many of my eggs removed surgically, and then FROZEN for use later, only some will be healthy at my age (this would be mean I would use them later if I can't get pregnant naturally in the future, and I would need to do invitro fertilization, and that would cost an additional many thousands, on top of the ~$10k for freezing)

(3) I could collect my eggs, and fertilize them with donor sperm now, and freeze them for later.

Conflict:

OMG! I am so overwhelmed. I am not sure if I should just convince myself that my baby days are over, and I should just walkaway. The single life, though lonely, is so much easier. I certainly never wanted to have a baby alone. Its so un-natural to me to get pregnant this way. And of course I am worried about being able to handle it. Who is going to take care of me? I am already lonely, it will just kill my ability to find love for at least a couple of years. I don't want to resent a child, or be a poor mom because of the stress of doing it alone. And the fact that I would be making a conscious choice to take that step seems selfish and almost irresponsible. A kid without a father? A kid who will want to know who their father is at some point. Is that even fair? I know there are a lot of women that do this these days ...but I am not sure it is right for me.

If I freeze my eggs etc, it just seems like a lot of insurance for way more spending later, and IF i meet a guy who wants a baby --- and I am already 42. I will be 43 in the summer. Would I really want a kid at 45? Even now it is pushing it, that's why I feel it is NOW alone or Never.....so much pressure. Not to mention is there time to get to know a guy well enough to have a baby together.

I always saw myself with a family, but that is not what nags me. I just feel that life is very empty without family. I always wanted to experience that unconditional love parents express having with a child that is irreplaceable. But, I also know that is hard, and everything will be put on hold, career, travel, all of it. I am so jealous of women who never wanted a child, must be so much easier for them. I would love to just mourn the loss of a child I never had and move on, but I know even if i convince myself now, there is a chance I might get that regretful feeling that crushes me next year and the year after. I don't want to be alone and lead an empty life. Even with a partner, I think life would get pretty boring without a child.

I just wanted to find love. How did I get here? It's such a horrible place to be --- to realize that the choices you make around 30, determine where you will be at 40+ --- unless you are one of those lucky ones that got saved in the nick of time...I wasn't one of them, instead I was served a sex addict who stole more time from me....now I am paying the price...

Why not adopt a young child. Or try fostering to see if motherhood is really for you?

^^

I second this. Imagine the poor child growing up knowing that his father was not wanted for anything other than his sperm. That would have to be psychologically damaging to a child, no matter how much they are loved by the mother. Remember, the child and their feelings are part of this equation, also.

Thank you for responding. I have been told that adopting as a single parent is very difficult and expensive. I think the preference is given to couples. There is lot of competition for adopting. I am not sure about fostering, but I don't feel I can take that on without changing my living situation. I own a small condo in a City, which would do for a couple of years with a baby.

I am 33 with no children and this is what I fear also. I would like kids but opportunity never presented itself my ex was abusive and cheated and I wasted 7 years on him. Times are different and you have so many options right now. All children should have a loving home but I understand the need to want to have a child that is a part of you.

I am 33 with no children and this is what I fear also. I would like kids but opportunity never presented itself my ex was abusive and cheated and I wasted 7 years on him. Times are different and you have so many options right now. All children should have a loving home but I understand the need to want to have a child that is a part of you.

You are at the perfect age to freeze your eggs. I have been told that I have a large egg reserve for a woman at my age - it may be in part to being on the pill for the majority of my thirties. You may want to consider if, as you will never know how long you will wait for the right guy.

I personally think you should have a child on your own, whether it's using the IVF methods you mentioned or trying for adoption. I understand adopting as a single woman is very hard but if you don't at least try you'll never know...Sometimes life may surprise you. I think you should still keep looking for love because every person deserves it, but unfortunately as women we don't have unlimited time to keep looking for love before we have children. I've heard of people finding love in their 50's and 60's and marrying but sometimes life doesn't work the way we wanted it to and in that order.

I know it seems sad for a child not to have a father but I've seen (and know) many single parents and things turned out OK. If you've wanted children your whole life then I really suggest you don't wait any longer. I think there's a saying: "Don't regret the things you did, but only the things you didn't do." You don't want to get to your 50's and realise you should have had kids.

We are very lucky these days to have IVF and technology that makes having children possible on your own and at a much older age. Even if you use a sperm donor, so what. There are obviously men out there who want to give people the gift of having a child and that makes them happy, so be it.

Either way, I wish you all the best, whatever decision you make, and send love and positive vibes your way. I'm super spiritual sorry lol

You are at the perfect age to freeze your eggs. I have been told that I have a large egg reserve for a woman at my age - it may be in part to being on the pill for the majority of my thirties. You may want to consider if, as you will never know how long you will wait for the right guy.

Thanks I will look into it. Good luck with what direction you decide to take

I personally think you should have a child on your own, whether it's using the IVF methods you mentioned or trying for adoption. I understand adopting as a single woman is very hard but if you don't at least try you'll never know...Sometimes life may surprise you. I think you should still keep looking for love because every person deserves it, but unfortunately as women we don't have unlimited time to keep looking for love before we have children. I've heard of people finding love in their 50's and 60's and marrying but sometimes life doesn't work the way we wanted it to and in that order.

 

I know it seems sad for a child not to have a father but I've seen (and know) many single parents and things turned out OK. If you've wanted children your whole life then I really suggest you don't wait any longer. I think there's a saying: "Don't regret the things you did, but only the things you didn't do." You don't want to get to your 50's and realise you should have had kids.

 

We are very lucky these days to have IVF and technology that makes having children possible on your own and at a much older age. Even if you use a sperm donor, so what. There are obviously men out there who want to give people the gift of having a child and that makes them happy, so be it.

 

Either way, I wish you all the best, whatever decision you make, and send love and positive vibes your way. I'm super spiritual sorry lol

Thank you so much for the positive energy. I am very scared to take this on by myself. However, I am considering it heavily. But, I am so overwhelmed by this decision.

I'm 39 and my SO and I recently found out we're having a baby - it happened naturally, and was a very happy surprise. It's the first child for us both.

I honestly can't imagine going through this pregnancy alone, much less parenting. I was raised by a single mom, as was my SO, and I don't know that anyone who has been through it would purposely put themselves in that situation. But everyone is different and maybe solo parenting is OK for you...though it doesn't sound like you find that thought ideal.

I will tell you right now, that at 42, 99% of places are not going to freeze your eggs. They usually will do it when you are in your 20s and early 30s - but you are going to be limited at 42.

First of all - you need to separate the desire to become pregnant with the desire to raise a child. I know I am feeling it myself - the desire to be pregnant - but think practically - do you want to raise a child in the day to day? If the answer is your hormones are longing to be pregnant but you scoff at giving up your freedom day to day - then don't do this. But if you really want to raise a child, becoming a foster parent might give you some taste - either to know you really want to raise a child or that they are just hormones and emotional desires that are fleeting and will be quickly dampened when a child is your responsibility around the clock.

If its just the whole pregnancy thing - I personally don't believe in surrogacy - but maybe if a relative who is unable to carry a child medically - maybe its something you could look into - being their surrogate.

It is much easier to adopt if you become a foster parent first - you will already be vetted and its 3/4 of the battle. So when you decide to adopt a foster child you have, or decide to adopt in general a child of the right profile for you, it is much easier. I know of a couple who was considered "older" - one spouse 47 and one spouse 55 that adopted with no problem after being foster parents. I also knew of a single woman who was in her 30s that did the same. One of them only would foster infants so that they could take them to work with them. And the other only did temp fostering )the kids that needed someplace to go after a housefire until things got sorted out or parents were in classes and would get them back, etc.,)

Also, do not give up on love. you could still meet a wonderful man who already has kids, a guy that fosters or wants to adopt, or a guy who wants to meet the love of his life, wants kids, but is realistic, too that there is a possible it might not happen (pregnancy)

I had my first child at 42 (natural,with my husband -we married at age 42). I thought about single motherhood by choice. For me personally it was a bad choice because I could not personally deprive an unborn child of a father from the starting gate (or marry someone just to get married). I did consider adoption if I were single in my 40s, my thinking being that the child would already be here and 1 parent is better than zero. I realize many see this differently but that was my personal view. Certainly divorce and death happen but I was focused on choosing to deprive a child of a father by conceiving on my own -I spent a few months when I was 37 considering this seriously, sought input from others ,did some research and soul searching and that was the decision that was right for me.

In hindsight I was TOTALLY right in my life - I could not imagine my son not having married parents (or at the very least civil union) - involved in his life. And from a practical perspective -totally right as well. I have a single mother by choice friend in her late 40s, several children, same sperm donor, children are mostly raised by her nanny (oldest is 11, youngest is probably 4). She is exhausted all the time and constantly seeking help from her sibs/parents -who are getting older. Right decision for her (she was never married and still has not married -don't think she's dated in over 7 years).

I also would not have had a child in an unstable marriage/relationship -same reasoning. (And no I am not opposed to gay parents having a child but I was just sharing my personal opinion, I am straight, and I would not advise anyone else to do what I did or didn't do - it's a personal decision)

When I was 32 I was told that egg freezing was not yet a viable option or I would have done it (as opposed to freezing an embryo). That was 17 years ago. From my understanding egg freezing is not advisable after age 40 but please do your own research.

I have friends who gave birth after 42 (but not older than 46) with no issues. Most did IVF. One friend is in her early 40s, recently married, froze her eggs in her late 30s. I don't know if they are trying naturally or not but I do know she is not pregnant (or at least not telling people yet).

It is a really hard, painstaking decision. I love the input that you adopt or foster.

Thank you for responding. I have been told that adopting as a single parent is very difficult and expensive. I think the preference is given to couples. There is lot of competition for adopting. I am not sure about fostering, but I don't feel I can take that on without changing my living situation. I own a small condo in a City, which would do for a couple of years with a baby.

That would be fine for fostering one child at a time. Some of the kids in foster came from less than that and there are plenty of babies and young kids in the foster system. You would be surprised.

I'd recommend looking into adoption as well.

I had my first child at 42 (natural,with my husband -we married at age 42). I thought about single motherhood by choice. For me personally it was a bad choice because I could not personally deprive an unborn child of a father from the starting gate (or marry someone just to get married). I did consider adoption if I were single in my 40s, my thinking being that the child would already be here and 1 parent is better than zero. I realize many see this differently but that was my personal view. Certainly divorce and death happen but I was focused on choosing to deprive a child of a father by conceiving on my own -I spent a few months when I was 37 considering this seriously, sought input from others ,did some research and soul searching and that was the decision that was right for me.

I appreciate your decision making as described above.

I'm 39 and my SO and I recently found out we're having a baby - it happened naturally, and was a very happy surprise. It's the first child for us both.

 

I honestly can't imagine going through this pregnancy alone, much less parenting. I was raised by a single mom, as was my SO, and I don't know that anyone who has been through it would purposely put themselves in that situation. But everyone is different and maybe solo parenting is OK for you...though it doesn't sound like you find that thought ideal.

Congrats on that baby! I wish you the best. I think it is helpful to know that you that both your single mothers found it difficult and wouldn't sign up for it willingly.

That would be fine for fostering one child at a time. Some of the kids in foster came from less than that and there are plenty of babies and young kids in the foster system. You would be surprised.

Perhaps there are babies, but I do believe that "space" in the house is required and is actually part of becoming an approved sponsored parent. thank you for the encouragement.

I will tell you right now, that at 42, 99% of places are not going to freeze your eggs. They usually will do it when you are in your 20s and early 30s - but you are going to be limited at 42.

Hi! Thanks for the post. I am 42 and happen to have a large egg reserve. For $15k this particular fertility clinic is happy to freeze my eggs. When I was in my early/mid 30's (as someone agreed to earlier in the thread), the technology for egg preservation was not very good, and my doc recommended against it. At 39, when the technology was producing 90% survival rate vs 10%, I looked into it, but didn't do it (regret that) because it scared me -- it is an invasive procedure and requires a lot of hormones...I was worried it would make me very emotional. I also thought perhaps, but foolishly at 39, that I could possibly still meet someone and that I could be happy with love alone if the child didn't come naturally. I wasn't prepared for meeting yet another man at 41 who would later decide he didn't want children (and all in the period we were dating).....by the time I learned that, I was 42 and it was a huge blow, though his decision doesn't seem to have anything to do with me, he was on the fence when we met supposedly....I was not expecting to ever have that experience twice - once at 34 and once at 44 ----- I wish I had the conviction to simply do this on my own, but it is not an easy decision for me. And, though I know I am not supposed to focus on the past - I hate hate hate so much that I am in this position. I am sad and mad. Know to complicate issues I am finding myself dealing with a mild depression due to all of this and a lot of tears.

I had my first child at 42 (natural,with my husband -we married at age 42). I thought about single motherhood by choice. For me personally it was a bad choice because I could not personally deprive an unborn child of a father from the starting gate (or marry someone just to get married). I did consider adoption if I were single in my 40s, my thinking being that the child would already be here and 1 parent is better than zero. I realize many see this differently but that was my personal view. Certainly divorce and death happen but I was focused on choosing to deprive a child of a father by conceiving on my own -I spent a few months when I was 37 considering this seriously, sought input from others ,did some research and soul searching and that was the decision that was right for me.

I have revisited the idea of doing this on my own, and I get stuck on several thoughts over and over:

(1) Child without a father knowingly...this one bothers me a lot. But, I have talked to some many people, and the majority don't seem to see it as selfish. It may be perhaps due to the area I live in - San Francisco.

(2) It being so stressful, that I fail at being a mother - being lonely and without sex is the one concern that repeats in my head. I want a man in my life and in my bed. Not having that will make it even more stressful to be a mother (but better than being a bad marriage, so there is that). Yes, women meet men even with children, but given my luck, I can't count on that. Your friend that is tired with 3 kids - WOW, she had 3 by herself! That is why she is exhausted.....how do those kids feel about having no father??? At least they do have siblings. I imagine though that she has a good salary, as I don't see how she can do it financially. Of course, I live in SF which is not cheap, so my POV may not be applicable.

(3) Not knowing the personality of the sperm donor.....it seems so unnatural - as the baby won't resemble "half" of what I am familiar with or love already. You "read" what you are getting, but you don't know what your getting....more unknowns that having a baby with someone you know.

I do wonder if you think your decision was the right one back when you were 37 now, because it finally worked out for you in the end. At 42 you finally achieved your dream, and with a man you love. If you had not, at 42, like myself...(I did dismiss this idea of having a baby on my own at 37, 38, & 39) achieved this dream, I wonder if you would look back with regret that you wish you had?

Do you have supportive family and friends?

We all know that raising kids is hard work - and doing it as a single parent is even harder. But having friends and family around to help is great, and can definitely make it feel less isolating and scary (I'd imagine).

But you also need support WHILE you're pregnant. Being pregnant is stressful! My body is going through so many changes right now - I've got morning sickness on and off all day, I'm EXHAUSTED and generally achy, my back hurts already (muscular) and - on top of that - there's so much to think about. Doctor's visits, tests, birth planning, postpartum planning, maternity leave, daycare, life insurance, etc. I have a partner and lots of support from both our families, as well as friends. Do you have all that in place?

I am a successful single mother... I love being a mother and think I am better at it than many and than much else I do. It is my greatest joy.

Would I have kids starting at 40? No. Would i do this on my own on purpose? No.

I have almost no family support (other than, I have family and they love me), and very little support from their dad. Dating is hard - I am attractive etc but I choose to be home on weeknights and most weekends when my kids are home, so I am not very available. I have very little quiet time in my brain to process things, so simple challenges become difficult. Certain battles I choose not to fight, and this costs me money and affects my social habits. Imagine having two full time jobs, all the time. Also imagine being on call all day long, while you are at your primary job.

I have the easiest kids ever, smart, responsible kids who appreciate me and who manage themselves with virtually no oversight. Even so, I would not do this again, on purpose, on my own, starting at 40 or later. Socially, physically, mentally, no.

When my kids are away in the summer, my mental acuity skyrockets. I am at least 25% sharper. I have a fun social life, I work out regularly, and I have, sometimes, a bit of a personal life. I am aware of the news, I think strategically about my business and my friendships, I remember to pay attention to people. When they come back, its like a firehose to the face. My own agenda is subordinated to theirs by force: they HAVE to go to the physician, they HAVE to have forms in for school, etc etc.

I am HUGE fan of reaching beyond our assumed limits. If I weren't a parent and I were single, I wouldn't give birth nor adopt. This is one limit I would accept and alter my path instead.

I am a successful single mother... I love being a mother and think I am better at it than many and than much else I do. It is my greatest joy.

 

Would I have kids starting at 40? No. Would i do this on my own on purpose? No.

 

I have almost no family support (other than, I have family and they love me), and very little support from their dad. Dating is hard - I am attractive etc but I choose to be home on weeknights and most weekends when my kids are home, so I am not very available. I have very little quiet time in my brain to process things, so simple challenges become difficult. Certain battles I choose not to fight, and this costs me money and affects my social habits. Imagine having two full time jobs, all the time. Also imagine being on call all day long, while you are at your primary job.

 

I have the easiest kids ever, smart, responsible kids who appreciate me and who manage themselves with virtually no oversight. Even so, I would not do this again, on purpose, on my own, starting at 40 or later. Socially, physically, mentally, no.

 

When my kids are away in the summer, my mental acuity skyrockets. I am at least 25% sharper. I have a fun social life, I work out regularly, and I have, sometimes, a bit of a personal life. I am aware of the news, I think strategically about my business and my friendships, I remember to pay attention to people. When they come back, its like a firehose to the face. My own agenda is subordinated to theirs by force: they HAVE to go to the physician, they HAVE to have forms in for school, etc etc.

 

I am HUGE fan of reaching beyond our assumed limits. If I weren't a parent and I were single, I wouldn't give birth nor adopt. This is one limit I would accept and alter my path instead.

Hello IthinkIcan -

My GF, who is a divorced but mostly single parent, has an only child with her crappy x-husband, and gave me this same advice. I do feel that her advice is jaded by the fact they she also under went an ugly marriage and divorce - so that is much harder, as the emotional / stress of going through that makes everything that much harder - not to mention having to keep a guy in your life that you hate for the kid. The age of being over 40 does not concern me as much as it did after speaking to a lot of people who have done that, but doing it alone period is the hard part. I would do it of course, if I found myself in the position. But, ON PURPOSE, which is the operative term...it is a very difficult proposition. I do know this. I don't think it is fair to me, and of course not fair to the child. However, I know logically I could make it work, but it would very hard emotionally, financially, and I am worried most of elongating my loneliness that I have been working hard to change by dating, etc.

It is a major void in my life to be 42 and without my own family. It hurts me everyday, and the thought of continuing like this eats me up every hour of every day. Yes, I could pick another path, but it would be by force, and I am not sure ever as meaningful as having a family. I am going to freeze the eggs, and hope to meet someone who wants to do this in the next 2+ years. If not, I will need to do something drastically different, that involves something more meaningful and impactful than my current career.

Thank you for taking the time to write this.

I am a solo mother by choice. I can weigh in on this side of the coin. At the age of 35, I was single and I was given the diagnosis of diminished ovarian reserve. I was not in any relationship. At the age of 36, I decided to try on my own. After 12 IUI's along with a miscarriage I became a mother finally at the age of 39. I will be 42 in June and my daughter is three. She is the joy of my life. I cannot imagine my life without her. I work full-time and she is in daycare during the day Monday through Friday. Both my parents are deceased and they were before she was born. My support system is my twin sister-she is married with a child of her own now on the way.

Becoming an intentional solo mom by choice is different than becoming a single mom not by choice (divorce or death of a spouse). There are pros and cons to every situation. Solo parenting can be logistically difficult at times. However, it can be easier in some aspects as well-mainly in the fact that I can call all the shots and not have any disagreements regarding parenting decisions. I really enjoy that aspect of solo motherhood. I would say that becoming a mother after the age of 40 is going to be difficult. Right now, I am in late stages of perimenopause and with that comes lagging energy, hot sweats and irritability which can be difficult at times to manage with a toddler/preschooler.

Even though you have a good sizable egg reserve, those eggs may not be chromosomally sound. At 42, your energy won't be obviously as high as someone in their 20s or 30s. This is a decision that you will have to make and live with. Now with that said, is it possible to become a mother after 42? Sure, it is.

I have revisited the idea of doing this on my own, and I get stuck on several thoughts over and over:

 

(1) Child without a father knowingly...this one bothers me a lot. But, I have talked to some many people, and the majority don't seem to see it as selfish. It may be perhaps due to the area I live in - San Francisco.

(2) It being so stressful, that I fail at being a mother - being lonely and without sex is the one concern that repeats in my head. I want a man in my life and in my bed. Not having that will make it even more stressful to be a mother (but better than being a bad marriage, so there is that). Yes, women meet men even with children, but given my luck, I can't count on that. Your friend that is tired with 3 kids - WOW, she had 3 by herself! That is why she is exhausted.....how do those kids feel about having no father??? At least they do have siblings. I imagine though that she has a good salary, as I don't see how she can do it financially. Of course, I live in SF which is not cheap, so my POV may not be applicable.

(3) Not knowing the personality of the sperm donor.....it seems so unnatural - as the baby won't resemble "half" of what I am familiar with or love already. You "read" what you are getting, but you don't know what your getting....more unknowns that having a baby with someone you know.

 

I do wonder if you think your decision was the right one back when you were 37 now, because it finally worked out for you in the end. At 42 you finally achieved your dream, and with a man you love. If you had not, at 42, like myself...(I did dismiss this idea of having a baby on my own at 37, 38, & 39) achieved this dream, I wonder if you would look back with regret that you wish you had?

So, my friend has 4 kids not 3 and does not take care of herself - I know this because she told me she never goes to doctors -no time. She stopped all dating about 8 years ago.

If I had not had a biological child I would have looked into adoption as a single parent because then in my view I would have been parenting a child who was already here but had no parents -and one is better than none -rather than creating a child intentionally without being married/long term committed to the father.

I would not have the expectation even if you are involved with the father of knowing what you are getting - I think the best approach to parenthood is to accept that despite all the genetic and other testing, knowing the father, knowing yourself -you don't know what you are going to get and it's not fair to the child to impose some expectation on the child to be a certain way (not that you would do that, ever, just saying). On the other hand you are not going to know if the anonymous sperm donor was honest about his background/medical history so that is a health/safety concern.

If you have a top priority of being romantically involved with a man - only you can weigh how important that is -then I personally would not do single motherhood.

I am not a single mother and nevertheless my schedule can be wildly unpredictable -he gets sick/lately isn't sleeping well (he slept well since he was 10 weeks old, this is almost 7 years later) - I am very good at time management/planning/multitasking. I am cancelling at least the same amount of plans/appointments as I used to when I had a wildly unpredictable work schedule with the difference being that there were certain times I knew almost 100% were safe bets. Now I do not (and add to that that I am wayyyyy too tired to go out at night - my wake up time is 6am, sometimes 6:15 and I am exhausted by 8pm when I start cleaning up the house enough to get ready for the next morning. I used to stay up past midnight especially on weekends and go out for dinner/theater/dancing. No way. Obviously everyone has different sleep needs/schedules, just sharing mine.

This week I will mostly be a "single mother" as my husband is leaving today until Friday. It scares me some, it is even more work and I am so so thankful that in general he is around and in general he is an awesome and awesomely involved father. I could not imagine it any other way.

As far as having to collaborate on parenting decisions -with my child I see day after day that it is CRUCIAL that he has our different parenting styles, that he has two parents who parent him, love him, are invested in his development - that he sees us interact and learns from those interactions. Again that's also unique to my child and his needs

And none of this is to judge single mothers by choice -this is just my personal view.

my mum had 4 children and was a single parent because my dad died, she was grand we had a good upbringing she doesn't regret a moment of it , look your what 42 you have wanted children for close to 10 years so its something you think about alot so have a child. dont let fear hold you back,if you keep delaying you might never have a chance for a child of your own , mothers regret many things but having a child isnt one of them

"It is a major void in my life to be 42 and without my own family. It hurts me everyday, and the thought of continuing like this eats me up every hour of every day. Yes, I could pick another path, but it would be by force, and I am not sure ever as meaningful as having a family. I am going to freeze the eggs, and hope to meet someone who wants to do this in the next 2+ years. If not, I will need to do something drastically different, that involves something more meaningful and impactful than my current career."

While I think almost every biological parent has some selfish component in the decision to have a child you have to balance your strong desire to have a child with the best interests of the child. If you prioritize the latter - then your desires have to take a back seat. Some people think that a child deserves at minimum, at least at the starting gate, a two parent committed, stable family unit - if you determine you don't feel that way and believe that either your desire to parent is more important than the child's best interests or that the child's best interests don't require a two-parent family at the starting gate, then going it alone would be consistent with your values and with the values you choose to impart to your child.

A lot of parenting at least in my experience is putting personal desires -even for basic needs like sleep - second or lower. But in my situation I've rarely had extended family, sitters or daycare helping out - never had regular access to that (in total I had part-time help from a relative for about a two month period in the last 7 years). I am not complaining about that at all - just providing context about why I have to sacrifice my desires for the best interests of my child.