Mental health impacts on Relationships & did he really mean what he said?

I've suffered with various mental health issues for years including PTSD, Depression, Anxiety etc. My boyfriend has always tried to be as supportive as possible and I understand that these issues are difficult for anyone to deal with. Recently, I suppose I became quite dependant on him for affection as I had become very low. I'm naturally a very confident and outgoing person but I struggle a lot at night with my issues and calling him helps me to calm down.

Relatively recently, I noticed that he sounded different on the phone, like there was some frustration in his voice. He has been rather stressed recently as he has been balancing work and directing a play. A few days ago, I was pretty hormonal and stroppy at that point. I wanted to talk to him for ten minutes uninterrupted by him making music etc. I kept hanging up if I heard him making his music then calling him back. Completely immature, I know, but I was emotional and stressed which I had explained to him. I suppose I got a bit angry and blurted out that I feel like he doesn't give me as much affection as I want or attention when I'm around. We've been together for about a year and a half, we rarely argue and if we do, its usually to do with me becoming over emotional which I would apologise for. Producing electronic music is his passion and goal in life. He is really good at it but I feel that it can take over a bit. Its annoying when he'll do it when I'm over at his. Like, I don't mind him showing me his new stuff for a while but he gets very engrossed so much so that I'll feel rather ignored. We see each other about every fortnight due to work and school commitments. So, I'd like it if there was a little more 'us' time than 'music' time as that's what he does with all of his free time anyways.

After I expressed my negative feelings about our relationship, then he shared his. He said that he felt I did not put in enough effort with his friends and that me calling him would drain him rather than energise him. Overall, he was pretty unhappy as I've been struggling with my mental issues and he's been bearing a lot of the brunt of it. I feel like I had been putting effort in with his friends as I've tried to approach them a bit more. He is very close with one friend in particular who I've failed to strike a bond with as we're just very different people. Its not that he isn't nice but we just don't have much in common. I get on very well with this friend's girlfriend though. We speak every couple of days. I've really tried to improve my behaviour when around this particular friend but I find spending time with him, and my boyfriend quite hard. I struggle with intimacy with my boyfriend and family so it makes it much harder when I'm in this intimate setting with his friend as well.

After all was said, I went to the doctors the next day about my mental health. I told my boyfriend about this and he seemed much more at ease but was adamant that I must tell my parents who are very against going to the doctors about mental health. I stopped myself for years not doing so and I really don't want to ruin another friendship or relationship due to my emotional issues. I told my mum as much as the story as I could before she got defensive. I spoke to my boyfriend later and he said that he didn't want to break up but felt like he couldn't always give me as much attention as I expected. Which was fair enough, I guess we're leaving the honeymoon stage in our relationship and I'm just getting used to less frequent communication.

Two days after our unpleasant phone dialogue, it was the day that I could attend his play that he directed. I saw him earlier on in the evening when he was very stressed and he let me know he couldn't talk to me. I understood this completely. Later on, he joined me for a bit and he was quite affectionate and seemed happier.

Does it seem like what he said about me being draining, lazy with his friends and being unhappy in our relationship, true? Or was it just fuelled with anger and stress? I can understand why at times he may feel like I'm a bit hard to deal with but I'm really working on improving, and he knows that. Is this okay and normal to have phases like this? I'm very confused

This isn't the end of the honeymoon phase. This is him feeling too much responsibility for your happiness and mood swings. Which is why he wants your parents in on it. He is nearing the end of his rope.

You are expecting too much and need t develop more tools to self soothe instead of relying on him.

Being someone's unpaid therapist gets old real quick. He's a theater director, not your clinical psychologist.

First and foremost, nobody has a right to know about any treatment you're receiving for mental health, and nobody has a right to pressure you to divulge that information to anyone else. As long as you aren't at risk or threatening anyone else, it's your business and you can choose to share whatever you want with whoever you want... Even if that means keeping it all to yourself. Respect your own privacy, and make sure those you privilege with information will do the same.

If there's mental health issues involved, this makes a relationship far more complicated, and I would recommend getting advice from your therapist instead of strangers, but I'm sure that none of us can give you unbiased knowledgeable feedback on such a situation.

Does it seem like what he said about me being draining, lazy with his friends and being unhappy in our relationship, true?

I think he was being honest with you in an emotionally-driven circumstance... However I would also point out that he's stuck with you this long, and he didn't break up with you then and there, so... I think he sees something worth working for in your relationship...

You understand that this is difficult for him... He knows it's difficult for you, too... But mental health and treatment is poorly understood by most people, and despite their support, it's difficult for people to actually comprehend the situation because they have no realistic idea to go by... Honestly I'm sure he'd go to great lengths to help you, but he also realizes that there's nothing he can do, which is probably hard for him.

Lastly, those dealing with their own issues often don't understand their own circumstances that well for the same reasons outsiders have trouble...

In the meantime I'd focus on open communication (possibly a "safe-space" discussion to air things out and get things out into the open)... He needs to be comfortable putting up his own distance from your problems when he needs to without hurting you so his support isn't always at his expense. You need to say your side to help him realize that the option actually exists without unintentionally making things worse for you.

If there are real issues here I think part of your responsibility involves actively getting qualified help and working towards your own self-improvement... He's there to be supportive, not fix you, and not absorb your burdens indefinitely...

Almost a decade ago (but not quite), when I was about 30, I ended a relationship when my then-boyfriend - in the throes of an intense depression - refused to help himself (not that you're doing that - but he was). Every interaction was so incredibly draining and I developed major resentment toward him. I tried for a year after the depression developed to be the supportive, loving, understanding girlfriend. Unfortunately, instead of buoying him, we were drowning together. I had to let it go for my own sanity.

Your boyfriend sounds like he has a lot of great things going on in his life, and you're adding a lot of pressure. You don't ever want to be someone's burden, and you're making yourself his. That's not fair, and it won't last because, at some point, he'll do like I did and end things. You need to continue seeking help, and while he can support you and love you, he can't be what fixes you.

I understand your point of view completely, I am going to continue seeking help from many other sources and not just him. I'm not intending to be his burden and I'm working on ensuring that I support him as much as he supports me.

Thank you for sharing!

Oh I know it does. He's a student directing an amateur play and he did it very well.

This is a really helpful answer and makes a lot of sense to me, thank you for sharing it!

I'd never expect my boyfriend to fix me at all, that's why I'm ensuring that I'm getting the help I need. I'm glad you mentioned that you think he sees something in our relationship, that reassures me.

Your open communication suggestion seems like a great idea and I will see what I can do to implement this into my situation! Thanks again c:

That's fair enough and I agree. I'll have to work on some self soothing tools for when I'm in a less than great state.

I haven't really worked out how the replying function works on here, but thank you for all your answers so far! Lots of food for thought!

I don't want to lay my issues in you, but I have a definite understanding about the impact of your partners depression and anxiety on a relationship. It makes it that much harder. For me, it was like a black hole that would suck everything in and almost never give anything back. It is difficult to understand a partner that is depressed. I wish I could say I did that great. I didn't. I don't have a frame of reference for it. What do you say when someone who is happy one minute and then says I am so depressed? I constant rollercoaster of emotions.

I don't know if you and your partner has attended counseling sessions together. You really need to be able to communicate in a better way. He needs to understand the disease and how to cope and you need to recognize when you are doing things that are driven by the depression. It takes work and it can be done. I am committed to working to helping people in relationships with depressed partners to learn to communicate better. I may not be able to save my relationship, but I can sure help others with similar situations. My penance, my way to pay it forward, and find salvation. If I can help you or your partner, doesn't hesitate to ask. Wish you both success.

It's definitely draining to have to deal with a GFs problems all the time. So been there. It really should be a give and take. I've always been told I'm the rock everyone else can lean on, but it gets so old. My last GF just wasn't happy enough of the time, and it ended up being a major reason I didn't fold when she marriage ultimatumed later. For your relationship to go to the next level, really need to get your house in order and not count on him so much.

I like MHowe's suggestion to learn how to self soothe. Glad you're seeking help to prevent yourself from becoming a bottomless pit. BF is giving you fair warning that he's starting to feel that this is becoming the case.

BF is also disheartened by your unwillingness to put effort into socializing with his friends. There are rewards to viewing your exchanges with them as being about them, not you. It doesn't matter whether you feel bonded to them--social skills aren't always about our own emotions. Making others feel special and valued just because they matter to your BF is a gift that you can give him, and he's telling you that he would appreciate it.

I have one friend who's rough around the edges. She's gruff and speaks with a heavy accent, and my other friends are not thrilled with her. However, they know that she's good to me and that I love her, and so rather than decline when I invite them to an outing with her, they step up and make impressive efforts to engage her and help her to feel relaxed and welcome. I view this as a personal favor, and I can't express how much this moves me. It opens my heart and it makes me love them even more--and they end up enjoying themselves because they've made both her and me so happy.

That's a win/win for everybody. We can synergize with people when we make it about them, not us, and we all gain from that amplification of energy. When we're too self-involved, we miss out on that experience and we lose the skills to create it.

I hope you'll write more if it helps, and I hope you'll initiate some positive experiences to feel good about. BF will thank you, and you will thank yourself.

Head high.