Loneliness, Finding love & Social Anxiety

It's been a long time since I posted anything and I've been feeling this for a while so I wanted to get it off my chest...it would be nice to know that other people can relate to me.

I put those three topics: loneliness, finding love and social anxiety because those are what has been bothering me for a while.

Loneliness is a feeling I find myself struggling with. I'm not super old (mid 20s), I find people around me have moved on with their lives. Most of my friends have now graduated university, grad school, find stable careers, and a few even bought their own places. I am no where near that. I do understand that I shouldn't compare my life to others but I just find that their life is settled and they're always surrounded by a significant other and yet my life it's just me. I recently started a new job that does not have any social interaction due to the nature of the work. I feel very lonely. I wish I found a partner. My sister always get suitors approaching yet she is never looking. I sometimes wonder in life are we always attracting the opposite of what we want? Why is it that I'm always looking and no one is ever around and when someone just wants to be friends, they have many people confessing?

I put myself in a bubble because I feel no one around me is generally interested. Sometimes I feel it's because I have nothing to say because my life is so bland. I rather absorb what someone else is saying. Other times I feel as though no one is truly interested in what you have to say. People would nod and smile but who truly cares about you but you? It's hard to find genuine friendship as we get older because it seems the older we get, there just isn't a lot of availability in other people's lives to fit someone new. I feel at the end of the day, people can only count of their significant other or themselves to be there for them. At least that's what I've noticed with people around me.

I have such a hard time dealing with people getting upset at me. It's the caregiver in me that feels so uneasy when I sense someone is unhappy with me. I feel the need to justify or make the other person understand that it wasn't my doing. The anxiety becomes so strong that I can not do anything else except sit there and worry. I find myself unable to focus on anything else. I try everything but the feeling is so hard to sit with. I know it would eventually go away but during that episode, it is hard.

So that's what I've been experiencing with. Just feeling no real genuine connection or support is in my life, feeling like there is no one out there that will love me for me and feeling the constant need to get people to like me. I do find little things that make me happy each day, but how long can a person make it on his/her own?

You're still so young!

I wouldn't worry about everyone else & their lives, if I were you. We all go thru life at our own speeds.

I had my first child before age 25 but I know many didn't.

I didn't stray far from home after HS, but as it turns out, I know many who did. They actually moved to the far west.

So, we never know. Everyone is different, have their own lives and live it up in their own ways.

I never knew, I'd end up a single mother of 4 by my mid 40's..lol But I am.. and have had 3 long term relationships in this time.

As for the anxiety, I understand all you're saying. Mine isn't good either. BUT, I have to go each day, struggling to deal with the outside world and all it has to give me.. like it or not.

I've recently begun volleyball again.. haven't played in over 10 yrs.

My anxiety got the best of me 3 yrs ago and I've had help dealing with it, thru med's and therapy. I just don't give up.

I often find what helps me along is having a lit, scented candle nearby, I focus on.. as well, I have a few adult colouring books. I work on those sometimes, when I 'try to focus'. To settle myself down and de-stress. And my music.

There are different things you can do. Have you looked anything up re: anxiety?

Have you considered some prof help?

I suggest you try to relax a bit.. with no real 'expectations' and just go with the flow.

You are still so young. Don't live in fear of everything. and make yourself get out there now & then.

I believe you WILL find someone special in your life! Give it all time.

The best advice I can give you is to do whatever makes you happy and don't give a rats ass about what others do. You're the one that's making your life.

Worrying only makes things more complicated and harder. We spend way too much time worrying when that energy can be used for you!

One of the secrets to making friendships, and we can do this at ANY age (I'm a lot older than you), is to be interested in people.

That means taking the focus off YOU, your anxieties, and your sense that you're not interesting, smart, worthy, whatever. All that stuff is just the 'blah, blah' that's filling your mind, so you cant focus on the other person.

You can start this process by 'training' yourself very slowly. When you go out practice talking to people - asking them how they are, what they've been doing. In the supermarket, at the store, at the bus stop, at work - wherever. You don't have to give them the Spanish Inquisition, but practice opening your self to them, not worrying about you. Watch their reactions, and practice having a conversation without pressure and making small talk.

We all have times in our lives when we are lonely. It can be hard. So, make it a practice to do one thing with someone, even if it's just coffee, during the week or at the weekend. Go and do things that interest you on your own. Take classes, join a book or film group, go to the gym, take up sport - there are many, many things you can do to have contact with people.

It does take time, and it might not always be successful, but ya gotta start somewhere.

One of the secrets to making friendships, and we can do this at ANY age (I'm a lot older than you), is to be interested in people.

I agree. I had about 2 solid years of generalized anxiety after I lost my apartment and all my possessions after a hurricane. My new place started off with bare floors and a new bed. And a metal chair. That's it.

I had no computer to keep me isolated indoors, and I was afraid to spend time alone in my place anyway. So this got me OUT.

Instead of being bored with others and their lives, I was grateful to everyone who gave me a place to go and spend time. I was too exhausted to discuss my own problems, so I threw my focus into listening and learning about everyone else. I realized that I didn't need to be an entertainer--just showing up to offer a hand with whatever someone else was doing was a gift to me.

I learned how useful I could be. I had all new neighbors to meet and a family and old friends that could use my help. I bonded with people as I gardened, painted, baked, cooked, raked leaves, joined them on errands--I did all kinds of things that I would rather do than go 'home' to the empty place that I had no interest in making a home at that time.

Point is, I lost all concern for making it all about ME. That was the magic door that opened new worlds for me, because it moved my focus onto what I could give rather than what I would get.

It turned out, I was rewarded a thousandfold by solid relationships that were either renewed or newly formed. While it's too bad that it took losing a home to gain a new understanding, the bottom line is, we need to BE a good friend in order to have them. That requires getting out of our own way.

Head high.

No offence but I think you missed half my point.

Thank you for the kind words and encouragement !!