GF upset over porn, but thinks it is okay for her to see strippers

I thought all women knew guys looked at porn at least every now and then, but my gf(whom I've been with a while) recently found some on my computer and she got all pissed off. I didn't quite know how to respond, I was thinking "why is she so mad over this" but I didn't actually say that to her. Her reasons were that it is borderline cheating to be looking at naked girls. She said it is disrespectful to her. She said "you have someone you can see naked up close and personal so why do you need this?". I tell her I only really look at it when she is not the mood to do anything, but then she tries to say "oh so you blame me" but that wasn't what I was trying to do.

 

I don't look at porn much and it's not like I ever choose to look at porn over having sex with her or something. I was more bemused by this then anything and I certainly don't need porn so I told her I would not look at it if she asked me not to. Well it took her not .001 seconds to say "I am asking you not to". So I say fine okay and I am true to my word even though I found it odd..she is not some insecure girl in her early 20's or anything like that so I was surprised to see her act this way, but I love her.

 

That is all well and good except recently she went to some bachelorette party for some old friend of hers. Thing is, this party eventually had male strippers showing up and my gf never told me this, in fact I only found out after seeing pictures on someone elses Facebook of the strippers. These guys didn't just strip down to skimpy speedo's or anything..they went fully nude at one point(though no pics of that on facebook). There were pics of the women "posing" with these guys, my gf included. So I'm thinking..what the f*ck? She gets pissed off at me over looking at videos of other women..but she feels it is okay to go have some dudes shake their d*cks right in her face? On what crazy double standard of a world does she live on?

 

I busted her on this and she was all "I did not know ahead of time strippers would be there" but..so? I was like..did they trap you in a room with all the strippers and lock you guys in and say you couldn't leave? I honestly wouldn't of really cared..had she not made a big deal about friggin porn and then done this. I didn't have some woman shaking her boobs right in my face or anything, but she feels this behavior is okay while she can get pissed at me over porn? I just find it bizarre. Am I crazy for calling her a hypocrite? I know strippers and porn are not the same thing, but if her overall point was "oh you shouldn't be looking at naked females for any reason" well..practice what you preach honey. I don't think I can say I am specifically angry at her over this, but I did more or less tell her that since she feels this is okay then I'm definitely going to watch porn whenever I choose. I don't like her trying to set one set of rules for me and one for her. I also know she did not tell me about this because she KNEW it would make her look bad. That right there tells me all I need to know..because even she knew how it made her look.

In her eyes she didn't seek out the strippers but just went along with it...but you're "seeking out" these nude girls. But you're in an interesting situation and I would probably be upset. Would the stripper thing bother you otherwise, or is it more a matter of principle now due to it revealing her hypocrisy? I find it amazing how many threads about porn show up here, I didn't think of it much an issue but after reading about it a lot here I once broached the subject and my girlfriend said she's not ecstatic if I look at it but doesn't care too much. I think the answers one would get is all over the spectrum.

 

Perhaps she's right because she was just in the situation and didn't "sexualize" it, but who knows...maybe she did get aroused. Personally I wouldn't want my GF posing with strippers and would hope she would opt out of the photoshoot but would have to be realistic about her being there at all. I guess everyone has different boundaries, but it sounds like your girlfriend might have a little bit unbalanced boundaries, or she considers the two acts different.

She has some growing up to do.

I agree with you. It's bs.

It's quite silly how she gets jealous and angry of you watching porn, I mean it's pretty damn normal in this day and age either if you're single or in a relationship.. It's not equal to cheating at all, and you do that in your own time so it has nothing to do with her as it's personal.

She's being lame.

 

On the bright side, her jealousy over porn means she cares about you a lot.

 

Most women don't like their boyfriends looking at porn but just accept it as a fact of life. It stirs up bad feelings including feeling like your guy isn't satisfied with you and therefore has to seek out other stimulation, or feeling insecure because you aren't as attractive as the women he's jerking off to, and worrying that he will be less attracted to you because of it. If he loses attraction for you, he may leave you or stop treating you like something precious. Those are the basic fears and insecurities behind a woman's problem with porn.

What does it matter what we think or that you are playing a game of "t it for tat" with her? You're continuously watching porn as a habit while she certainly will not be going to see male strippers as a favorite past time and then make up excuses to you why it doesn't mean anything.

 

Now.. that being said. She is insecure and jealous and whether or not you look at porn you will still masturbate so why don't you ask her if you fantasize about someone else other then her when you do that, will she want to control your thoughts as well?

 

Unless you are neglecting her sexually to watch porn I don't see an issue. Then again, I'm not insecure in my partners feelings for me, in his attraction that he has for me or my ability to keep him attracted... she is all of those things however and your attitude isn't going to make her feel any less insecure.

 

Rather then pull a "If you do this... then I can do that" power struggle, maybe you could reassure her while you try to explain that its just a visual aid to self pleasure that you'd still want even if you two did it three times a day, that it has nothing to do with her and that you'd even like to watch with her occasionally to see how she feels about it then.

^I agree that now you have established it was a bs move on her part, time to get talking about how you two can resolve this issue together.

 

Power struggles aren't a good path to go down .

 

On the bright side, her jealousy over porn means she cares about you a lot.

 

No psychologist on the planet will tell you that jealousy over anything means someone cares. It means insecurity. I also don't know if you can say "most women" don't like their boyfriends looking at porn. I'm a woman and I could honestly care less if my bf looks at porn.

 

To the o.p.: if the stripping situation didn't really bother you, don't be annoyed just to make a point. It's game-playing. If you want to look at porn, then do it, and if she is unhappy with that, she can date someone who doesn't look at porn. Conversely, if porn isn't worth losing her, then stop looking at it. But to play games and argue over who's more "wrong" seems really futile.

She's being lame.

 

On the bright side, her jealousy over porn means she cares about you a lot.

One of my exes got jealous because I was talking to a classmate whom I regularly studied my college exams with. Jealousy caused him to become violent. Jealously drove him to stalk me on campus. Jealousy caused him to hit me so hard that I got a nasty concussion.

 

His jealous put me in a hospital.

 

Jealous is never a healthy or acceptable in ANY relationship. I can't believe anyone would seriously say this.

She is mad about porn - you are mad about her seeing strippers. If you are so open-minded - why are YOU getting mad? This is a big fat double standard, IMHO. She has just as much self-confidence as you. Keep in mind - she saw these stripper one time, and she wasn't the one to arrange them for herself. You watch porn now and then, and you search for it. These are two different things. So you can`t tell her that she is not allowed to be pissed, while you got pissed at her yourself, you know. That IS lame.

 

I am not against porn, I watch it myself, my BF watches it too - no problem there. You and your GF probably just have different views on it (as you discovered already), if you don't find a way to compromise - I don't think you will be compatible.

If you read his post, you'd see that he is not mad over strippers, in fact could care less. He is upset over the double standard that she has and has every right to be.

 

And OP I would be kind of upset too. strippers much worse than watching porn imo. I'd call her out on her double standard.

In an alpha/beta male situation you've done the alpha thing. She didn't have the guts to take herself out of the situation, peer pressure, even if she actually wanted to. In her mind, it was thrust upon her and therefore it was never her choice. That is of course, if her friends never told her it was happening at any point. In her mind what she did will always be different. And the mind of a lady on these things some times can be very strange indeed. You will never break through.

 

So, you need to discuss openly with her why you look at porn and see if some light is shed on it, i.e. a light bulb to her as to there maybe being a sex drive difference between the two of you. Amazingly you rarely look at porn. As you have it under control...well done sir. She needs to appreciate this. If you communicate further now that 'transgression' has appeared on both sides you may through honesty find some headway into the problem and some understanding leeway!

 

But...warning. If you just move forward now with you saying you're going to look at porn and that's it...then it may be the wedge, the splinter in the wound that could harbor resentment and cause unwittingly future transgressions even when they weren't meant or planned.

Refuse to entertain the child. In otherwords, no deals, or trades, or stuff like that. She has to understand you're both adults and seeing other people naked should not ever be a threat to your relaitosnhip, because if it is, then your relationship is weak already without this issue.

If you want to dissect this into a "He's right/She's Wrong" or vis~versa then stop that because you're BOTH in the wrong at this point.

 

I wonder! Does she think about the stripper and masturbate to his image like you do to your porn? Have you asked her that Op? What if she did... how would you feel about that? Do discussed this thoroughly instead of playing childish t it for tat, if you can do this, I can do that non-communication game playing? If you don't learn to resolve in a more mature manner wherein a compromise which suits the both of you is reached, or an understanding of why you watch (and self-pleasure) that will suffice her until she grows up and doesn't find porn threatening to her existence then your problems will escalate and your union will dissolve as an emotional wedge is hammered between the two of you.

 

Communication is the cornerstone to ALL relationships, not just romantic ones.

Yeh this in its entirety. (Although, women and men satisfy their levels of arousal differently. The whole visual/mental thing. This is why a lot of women read erotic novels, whereas guys will be straight to the visual.)

 

I think couples can accept certain things if they come from similar planes of thought, but it's only in depth calm discussion that arrives at the realisation one way or another.

Does it really matter what either one of them masturbates to, or even who or what the other thinks about even when they are doing it together?

 

NO, it doesn't, and it all comes down to insecurity. Her insecurity, above all else.

 

There's nothing good that comes out of compromising with immaturity, it only perpetuates it.

Does it really matter what either one of them masturbates to, or even who or what the other thinks about even when they are doing it together?

 

NO, it doesn't, and it all comes down to insecurity. Her insecurity, above all else.

 

There's nothing good that comes out of compromising with immaturity, it only perpetuates it.

Oh I agree with the fact that she doesn't like him watching because of HER insecurity however; by the way he handled it sucks the big one in my not so humble opinion. You did this so I can do that isn't helpful or productive to either of them. What he did was even comparing apples to oranges and then concluding himself to be correct when you can't suck and blow at the same time.

 

He accomplished nothing but a stand off that leaves her in the same insecure dynamic. Surely you can understand the concept of that. Their lack of any real resolution only manifests in an emotional disconnect in time.