"Love" Triangle Gone Wrong Between Three Close Friends

Last month, I began hooking up with one of my closest guy friends. We had known each other for three years and he had begun making hints that he wanted to get with me, and eventually I figured, why not? I had not had sex in over a year, and it was a really healthy, fun way to get it in with someone I trusted and felt comfortable around, and even enjoyed their company. The sex was great, and I was really excited. It was a great situation.

The two of us often hang out with one of my close girlfriends. The three of us would go out to parties together, and we all enjoyed hanging out with each other, one on one, and in a group. So naturally I told her immediately after we hooked up for the first time, as I wanted to be open with her. I told her how happy I was, ect.

Her response was to text him later that night saying "if you ever need some loving, let me know." Not cool.

She felt bad about this and told me the next day. I told her that it was okay, but that if she had feelings for him or wanted to hook up with him to let me know and I would back off before things got any heavier, because I did not want us both trying to sleep with him at the same time. I totally gave her an out. She said not to worry-it would never happen again.

So the sex continued-we were hooking up a couple of times a week, for about a month. Things started to get weird after a while though. Both he and she were acting distant and somewhat ignoring me. Eventually, she told me one night that they had been hooking up for the past two weeks. He had been sleeping with both of us at the same time and I had no idea. Naturally, I was incredibly pissed off at both of them. I had just lost two of my closest friends.

I have no real desire to rekindle my friendship with her, but she keeps saying that she doesn't understand why it is taking me so long to build back her trust, especially since "no one was dating each other". Which is true. But we are all so close...why would you think that makes it ok? She has made all sorts of lame excuses and never really owned up to her actions. I don't wish her any ill will and I am no longer angry, but I don't feel as though I can justify keeping her as a close friend.

Am I being as unreasonable as she is making me out to be? Is this a legitimate reason to cut someone out of your life?

So, you decided to hook up with him, but it was not okay for her to hook up with him too? I kinda agree with her that, you weren't actually dating him, so they were free to do what they want. But ultimately, all of your animal desires has screwed up a set of friendships - literally. You don't want to be friends with her anymore, while she can't see the issue. And ultimately, the only winner here is the guy, who got to shag two women. So, you either need to walk away from this, or get over yourself and make up with your female friend.

Learn a lesson from this, sex between friends ruins friendships.

if you think it is, then it is. i wouldn't disagree with you.

are you cutting the guy too? i would see that as a double standard if you accept the behavior from him, but not from her.

I mean, really weird situation, but since you weren't dating I don't think you can make sexual relations "exclusive" per say. You seem to be very angry at her and although she seems to be your "better" friend, it was still under his consent that they have sex. It's still pretty crappy of her. That's kind of an unwritten code with guys. She doesn't seem like the best of friend anyways. I'm assuming there's going to be a lot of jealousy and awkward contact being as they both know you're upset. I guess you just have to hang back or accept and move on. I wouldn't recommend sleeping with him again though.

OP

I totally agree with you. It is not cool and you communicated your feelings to her when she CONFESSED the text she sent! She crossed the boundries that she said she wouldn't cross again by sleeping with him. How can you ever believe what she says? You can't because she will do it again and again.. Goodluck

I think you have the right to be angry, since you opened up to her, and she decided to still go hook up with him behind your back.

The problem is - he said nothing to you as well, so I would leave them both alone. They maybe were your good friends before you all started to sleep around, but after the behind my back move, I wouldn't call them friends.

I think the problem is that you were trying to be cool and open so that there was no crossed wires, and then they went and behaved in an underhand fashion. Especially after you made a point to say "look, just tell me".

I understand why you wouldn't feel comfortable with them anymore. I think she just wants to justify her behaviour, which, imo, wasn['t good.

^^Pretty much this.

She backstabbed you, plain and simple. I don't think he did unless you had a mutual understanding that be betrayed (I suspect not).

Whether you continue to share your life with her is a toss up between the happiness it brings you vs your need to trust her and whether you think you can trust her in future.

So, you decided to hook up with him, but it was not okay for her to hook up with him too? I kinda agree with her that, you weren't actually dating him, so they were free to do what they want. But ultimately, all of your animal desires has screwed up a set of friendships - literally. You don't want to be friends with her anymore, while she can't see the issue. And ultimately, the only winner here is the guy, who got to shag two women. So, you either need to walk away from this, or get over yourself and make up with your female friend.

 

Learn a lesson from this, sex between friends ruins friendships.

It wasn't the sex that messed things up; it was the friend going behind her back after she'd been transparent and made it clear she'd rather give him up than share, as far as I can see.

It wasn't the sex that messed things up; it was the friend going behind her back after she'd been transparent and made it clear she'd rather give him up than share, as far as I can see.

I disagree. Sex turned friends into lovers. The OP's possessiveness over her guy friend is a direct result of it. She didn't want him sleeping with others, especially her friend, even though she and him were not in a relationship. It's very much, "you stole my toy!"

The guy is the big winner in all this. He also misled the OP, but she's more focused on her friend deciding to follow in her footsteps.. I agree it sucks that they went behind your back, but casual hooking up does not confer rights of ownership! It's his penis and he gets to decide what to do with it, until such time he agrees to exclusivity with someone. Likewise, when it comes down to friends vs sex, many people will go for the sex over hurting a friend's "feelings" -- especially in situation like this when the friend does not have official claims to the person of interest.

That is to say, a friend going after your crush or FWB is not cool. But nowhere near the same level of offense as a friend going after a boyfriend, husband, or ex-boyfriend. The general consensus in the latter is damning; the former is a gray area.

Those are the breaks!

I disagree. Sex turned friends into lovers. The OP's possessiveness over her guy friend is a direct result of it. She didn't want him sleeping with others, especially her friend, even though she and him were not in a relationship. It's very much, "you stole my toy!"

More like "I said you could have my toothbrush but you decided you'd rather use it while I wasn't looking".

More like "I said you could have my toothbrush but you decided you'd rather use it while I wasn't looking".

For most people that wouldn't be a friendship ending offense, especially when they were ok when handing off the toothbrush at a later date. Friend buys you a new toothbrush. Issue resolved.

Somehow I think the OP sees sex as different..

Of course it is!!!!! You are not being unreasonable in the slightest!! You totally did the right thing in cutting her out of your life. She has probably been in a secret competition with you for some time now and this was the perfect opportunity for her to act against you.

It was beyond pathetic for her to go in behind you and text your guy friend and tell him "if you ever need some loving, let me know.." If you'd never told her, would she have done it? And this isn't about who was dating who. This was about her betraying the esteem of your friendship and abusing the information you imparted to her. It's about taking a piece of personal information you gave her and deciding to act against you, look you in your face and not tell you she was acting against you, do it for two weeks before she half-azzed owned up to it and now wants you to act as if she did nothing wrong. She is totally not to be trusted ever again with any information.

HOWEVER...

There is a old song by Sippie Wallace called "Ladies, don't advertise your man". Meaning NEVER, EVER TALK ABOUT YOUR SEX LIFE TO YOUR "SO CALLED" GIRLFRIENDS because you don't know who is engaged in a secret competition with you and waiting for the moment to plunge the knife into your back. You thought that she was your girl and that you could trust her with that kind of information, but she showed you how adept she was at amassing information and using it to plant a knife in your back so that she could spoil or take from you your intimacy with this guy. And believe me, he's no better. It take a whole lot of contempt for someone to OK it with themselves to act in that way against someone they claim is their best friend. With friends like that, you dont' need enemies. She had sex wtih him behind your back for two week and was smiling your face the whole time before she owned up to her mess.

They knew each other's sexual history, as it involved you with him, but you weren't allowed to know their sexual intent, as it would involve you, too. If they played it cool and never let on for a few more months, you'd have been trading fauna and flora with her through him and been at the doctor's office for a weird infection. So it gets down to a health issue, despite using condoms or not.

I'm so sorry you have to lose two friends... and he should also get the boot just as she has gotten it. If he wanted to screw your friend, he needed to speak up so that you could have decided if you wanted to be all up in that. Now, thanks to your girl's selfishness and self centeredness, a good friendship has been blown to pieces.

I absolutely would not be friends with someone who did this to me.

There is something wrong with someone who is a close friend, who you confide in, who knows your feelings and that this guy was making you happy, and she says to herself, 'i'm going to get me some of that whether my friend likes it or not.'

She's got some 'issues' if she's willing to do that, i.e., either she's the type who gets jealous of other people's happiness and feels she has a right to 'take' whatever she wants even if it hurts/betrays someone else, or she's just incredibly selfish and will not respect anyone else's feelings if they conflict with her own desires.

This is just not a person you can trust in your inner circle. You already know she'll betray you and go behind your back and lie if it suits her purposes, so you do not want her around because you can never be sure she wouldn't always be trying to steal your BF or husband or whatever.

I think it would be fine is a friend expressed to you that they thought your BF was hot, but NOT if that friend crossed the boundary of trying to hook up with him behind your back (or in front of it). There are millions of people in the world to be friends with, so you should choose friends whom you can trust and know will not be betrayers/selfish people.

So cut them both off and don't look back. Don't respond to her attempts to manipulate you. You don't need a 'friend' like that.

Well, after reading this, yeah, good thing you got rid of her as a friend..

And this: 'she keeps saying that she doesn't understand why it is taking me so long to build back her trust, especially since "no one was dating each other". '

There is no 'trust' to be built back here... she is simply untrustworthy and betrayed your friendship, and you know it now, so you'd be stupid to trust her again. It's not a question of who is dating whom, it is a question of her being willing to go behind your back to try to hook up with someone you were seeing, then after she told you and you requested she not do it again without telling you so you could drop out, she did it again anyway!

So that falls into the category of 'fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice, shame on me.' don't give her any more chances, she doesn't deserve them.

Thanks for the input everyone! Some great realizations and affirmations in here