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Bipolar Girlfriend - Need Advice on How to Deal With the Highs/Lows


Demoncracy

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I'm new here to the forums, seems like a decent place to post my relationship "conflict" of sorts.

 

I recently started dating a bipolar woman (been roughly a month now) and need some advice when it comes to dealing with the highs and lows of her mood. Just to give a brief background, she is 19 years old and was diagnosed two years ago when she attempted suicide (overdose). She has been very open to me about what happened and the series of events that took place. After analysis by a number of Doctors they determined that she was bipolar while also suffering from PTSD. Since, she has been on meds (Lithium and a few others) to help keep the disorder at bay but as we all know, bipolarism isn't exactly cured with a magic pill.

 

Anyways, when she gets into the depressive motion of the cycle, she shuts the entire world off - including me, her boyfriend. Being entirely new to this and used to having my exes come to me for advice in sad situations, I was hurt that she put up a wall in front of me. I have a VERY big heart and am often empathetic to the emotions of others. When she pushes me away, it makes me feel unwanted or like I did something wrong (obviously a natural reaction). For instance, on Friday night she warned me that she was entering into a depressive state and that she would not be on her phone much on Saturday, however she told me she would text me when she woke up. Hours went by on Saturday without a text and I began to worry (again, big heart and I wanted to HELP her cheer up and make her feel better). With the advice from one of my friends, I decided to leave things be and NOT contact her (this was difficult for me). Long story short, she ended up texting me towards the middle of the evening and I explained to her that I was worried and all that blah blah. She explained to me that she likes to be left alone to cry, read and shut the world out when she is in these sad moments. Again, new to being in a relationship with a bipolar woman and having a big empathetic heart, it was hard for me to accept this and still is to a given extent. When she enters these periods, its almost like I don't exist or as if she doesn't want anything to do with me. Then, like the snap of a finger, the next day or a few days later she is constantly in contact with me and is beyond energetic. Its like dating two people at once with an awkward middle ground. Because of the meds she is on and sometimes mixed with the bipolar lows, she is often tired and very lazy on "in between days". She sleeps late, stays in bed all day, then goes to bed early. Or if we are out, she'll complain about how tired she is and she'll loose focus easily (this isn't the case on those energetic high days though...).

 

Obviously I wouldn't be posting this if I wasn't into her and didn't care. I do care about her even though its been about a month of dating (we've known each other through work since May of '12). She's gorgeous, has a wonderful sense of humor and has a big heart like I do. I won't get all mushy mushy but I feel like we have potential to be great but in order to do that I need some advice on how to deal with these bipolar lows. Its hard for me to just ignore her lows and pretend nothing is wrong. My nature is that to help but there is very little I can do. We've talked about this to an extent but she tells me its hard for herself to understand what exactly is going on sometimes which is why she pushes everyone away.

 

Another concern I have is that she has smoked weed (mainly due to her sister). I've read that with bipolarism, your decision making ability is hindered which might contribute to the drug use. Weed, to a normal person, isn't that big of a deal BUT mixing it with the numerous prescription drugs she takes IS. She has only done it once (to my knowledge) since we have been together and she regrets it. If she mentions illegal drug use again, how do I approach her with my concern without seeming controlling?

 

Thank you!

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Take it from someone that just ended a two year relationship with someone that was extremely bipolar: get out now. The suicide attempts, the hospital ER visits, the fake pregnancies, shutting out everyone, shutting off her life, losing her job because of it...it's not worth it man. It'll make your life total hell and it will start affecting you. Like you, it was hard to accept the fact that she was alone in this and I tried to help her, but she doesn't accept help and the more you try, the more over the edge she'll get. It's a very unhealthy relationship and in no way do you need to go through it. Just my two cents.

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The marijuana may be her attempt to self medicate. The way you talk about it is just to say that you won't smoke it, and don't like to be around it. You could go as far as to say that you feel it is harmful and that is why you don't want to be around it. If she chooses to continue to smoke, then you can break up with her if it is a dealbreaker to you.

 

I assumed that you have been together for a long time, but if this is only after one month she is having deep depressive episodes - is she someone you can see yourself with long term? She may be beautiful, but can your heart take someone pulling away completely from you like this regularly? She seems to have some awareness of it because she warns you about it, but being with someone who is bipolar is not something that works for everyone as far as a partner goes.

 

With the marijuana and the bipolar disorder, you are not there to cure her- only to figure out at this early juncture if she is someone who you can be in a relationship with.

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There is no logical reason for you to make someone with so many emotional and mental health issues who is taking drugs to boot into your gf after only one month. You sound like you have some co-dependency and "I can't see past her hotness" issues.

 

I would end it with her.

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ok I havent read it all because I am just up and not working yet !!

 

so I will just comment on the bit I read which is you saying you feel like she pushes you away ...if you already feel like that

then you really have to either change your line of thinking or walk away ..

 

she warned you she felt the darkness coming ...thats excellent ...she was trying to prepare you for what she knew was coming ..and you cannot ask for more than that from a bi polar sufferer .

 

It is very very normal ..she sounds like she rapid cycles ( google it it will help you understand) and also find out if she has bi polar 1 or 11 ....they are different ...I am 11 vics dad is 1 and vic will tell you this ...her dad has the worse one ..and been around that you really will suffer .

 

but take me as an example ..I am in a pretty bad place , this is more than I have written for days , I woudnt speak to anyone yesterday , and it doesn't matter who it is .. in a few moments I intend on taking myself back to bed ..I will lay there almost catatonic and just hope and prey I snap out of this ..I dont care , there is no life no future ..its a dark hell hole and it makes no difference what anyone says or does .... having someone like you who is going to get upset if I didnt call or text makes no impact because the illness is bigger than you ..I wrote about 5 lines to one of my best friends in holland just to say the darkness has come ....she sends me her love and waits with no fuss until I can communicate again ....and on and on it goes .....

 

you havent been with her long enough to establish her cycling or the full impact ..

 

and one thing I must add ..you cannot cheer up a bi polar sufferer on a low ...I know you don't mean any harm , but this is an illness ..our wiring ir wrong and there is NOTHING worse than a none sufferer thinking they can cheer you up ..if it where that easy we wouldn't all be nuts !!!

 

you need to educate yourself and prepare yourself ...and take away any notion that you can cheer her up or expect things from her when she has told you she is hitting a low .

 

If your needy ...and need reassurance or think you can tell her a joke and make her smile in the middle of this hell ..then your in for a fall with this girl.

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Thank you all for the comments and tips (I'm actually surprised by how many responded!). I just feel it would be highly unfair for me to dump her for her bipolar disorder, according to a friend of mine I would be a "****" for doing so. Like, Ms Darcy mentioned I may have some co-dependency problems and I am someone who needs some reassurance, especially in the beginning of a relationship, that things are going well. My relationship past with other women hasn't been ideal, so I tend to worry about things. Of course, I'm looking more into the future than at the past but my brain has been wired by past experiences.

 

Anyways, I've educated myself a little more about bipolarism but I consistently come accross how it takes a certain partner to be with them. I'd really like to give things a shot before pressing the eject button, which is why I asked for advice. As I'm typing now, she's on another wind down and she is pushing herself away from me again. When I need her or want to be with her, she may OR may not be there for me. As for when she needs me, I'm ALWAYS there. Shooting Star, since you have some personal experience with bipolar disorder, have you been in a relationship with someone and if so, how did you work with them through it? (That goes for anyone else too).

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Also, a mention about the pot smoking. That is not a deal breaker for me. She can smoke, I just want her to be safe you know? When I hear that she has been out smoking, then someone who was smoking AND drinking was driving her home... that's when I get concerned. Another problem with bipolarism is poor judgement, especially on the highs (pun not intended). Hmm, just a lot to consider if this relationship is right for me but I want to try and get the full picture. I still don't believe that dumping someone BECAUSE of a mental illness is right, but is it in this situation? God damn...

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The thing is she is also doing illicit drugs WITH her meds. Not good. I was raised by a bipolar parent and I can tell you unless they are strictly following their meds and do not go off them you are in for life of hell. You may think you won't leave now but......

 

Living with my dad almost literally killed my mother . Unless she stays on her medication and gets off the Mary Jane ,get out

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Getting out will spare you a lot of emotional pain and suffering, believe me. I was in an on/off relationship with a bi-polar girl in high school. It was the worst years of my life, all of my friends and family know it. They remember how hurt I was everyday. When it comes to things like this, the situation can only get worse until they get help. The person needs to WANT to get help first.

 

In short, get out now while you still can. Save yourself the emotional pain, you only live once. Don't spend it worrying about this woman and how crazy her life is. Don't let her drag you down to her level.

 

People will never change themselves, unless they WANT to change.

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  • 6 years later...
I'm new here to the forums, seems like a decent place to post my relationship "conflict" of sorts.

 

I recently started dating a bipolar woman (been roughly a month now) and need some advice when it comes to dealing with the highs and lows of her mood. Just to give a brief background, she is 19 years old and was diagnosed two years ago when she attempted suicide (overdose). She has been very open to me about what happened and the series of events that took place. After analysis by a number of Doctors they determined that she was bipolar while also suffering from PTSD. Since, she has been on meds (Lithium and a few others) to help keep the disorder at bay but as we all know, bipolarism isn't exactly cured with a magic pill.

 

Anyways, when she gets into the depressive motion of the cycle, she shuts the entire world off - including me, her boyfriend. Being entirely new to this and used to having my exes come to me for advice in sad situations, I was hurt that she put up a wall in front of me. I have a VERY big heart and am often empathetic to the emotions of others. When she pushes me away, it makes me feel unwanted or like I did something wrong (obviously a natural reaction). For instance, on Friday night she warned me that she was entering into a depressive state and that she would not be on her phone much on Saturday, however she told me she would text me when she woke up. Hours went by on Saturday without a text and I began to worry (again, big heart and I wanted to HELP her cheer up and make her feel better). With the advice from one of my friends, I decided to leave things be and NOT contact her (this was difficult for me). Long story short, she ended up texting me towards the middle of the evening and I explained to her that I was worried and all that blah blah. She explained to me that she likes to be left alone to cry, read and shut the world out when she is in these sad moments. Again, new to being in a relationship with a bipolar woman and having a big empathetic heart, it was hard for me to accept this and still is to a given extent. When she enters these periods, its almost like I don't exist or as if she doesn't want anything to do with me. Then, like the snap of a finger, the next day or a few days later she is constantly in contact with me and is beyond energetic. Its like dating two people at once with an awkward middle ground. Because of the meds she is on and sometimes mixed with the bipolar lows, she is often tired and very lazy on "in between days". She sleeps late, stays in bed all day, then goes to bed early. Or if we are out, she'll complain about how tired she is and she'll loose focus easily (this isn't the case on those energetic high days though...).

 

Obviously I wouldn't be posting this if I wasn't into her and didn't care. I do care about her even though its been about a month of dating (we've known each other through work since May of '12). She's gorgeous, has a wonderful sense of humor and has a big heart like I do. I won't get all mushy mushy but I feel like we have potential to be great but in order to do that I need some advice on how to deal with these bipolar lows. Its hard for me to just ignore her lows and pretend nothing is wrong. My nature is that to help but there is very little I can do. We've talked about this to an extent but she tells me its hard for herself to understand what exactly is going on sometimes which is why she pushes everyone away.

 

Another concern I have is that she has smoked weed (mainly due to her sister). I've read that with bipolarism, your decision making ability is hindered which might contribute to the drug use. Weed, to a normal person, isn't that big of a deal BUT mixing it with the numerous prescription drugs she takes IS. She has only done it once (to my knowledge) since we have been together and she regrets it. If she mentions illegal drug use again, how do I approach her with my concern without seeming controlling?

 

Thank you!

 

Was curious what happened with this.

 

I can relate 100% to everything you wrote and it's giving me a real piece of mind during this rough period as I've been trying to reconcile with the girl I dated. I was so naive to her condition and now that I'm educating myself it changes the whole scope of how I viewed the five months I spent with her.

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It's sort of sad when I see people saying "run, run away" from those that have mental illness... it just further stigmatizes and separates them. My very best friend was diagnosed with BPD about a decade ago... she has been very open about it, talking about what it's like, what we can expect of her, she is appropriately medicated, high functioning and happily married with a 4 year old boy... she is an amazing friend... has done a lot of work to manage her illness so that it has a minimal impact on those around her... and when it does people accept it and love her anyway.

 

OP my point is, your GF is being honest with you about what she is capable of during those times... if you want to be with her and support her, you need to accept this. You can't help her, you can't cheer her up, you can't fix it for her... depression doesn't work that way. She may come to trust you enough at some point to allow you into her space when she is feeling that way, if you are patient, and over time the highs and lows will likely become less dramatic if she continues to take care of herself and manage it appropriately.

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Honestly, the first months of a relationship should be lighthearted, about enjoying someone's company while determining if they pass on to the next level - a third date, a fourth date, a 24th date. it shouldn't be 3 weeks of trying to 'manage" or twist yourself into a pretzel to fit into someone's life. Do you want to date someone who "warns" you when they might go into a depressive episode and disappear?

 

I have a feeling that you are not figuring out if you want a relationship like this, but are trying to MAKE yourself "fit" to handle a complicated relationship like this.

 

 

:whoops realize its an old thread, SORRY!"

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