Thekid55's Healing Journal

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Well, I had another great night tonight. I am home from college and I went out with all of my buddies from home. Here's the beautiful thing about my friends from home.

Typically when people graduate from high school, everyone just moves on. However, all of my friends went to different college. We all go to schools in five different states. We typically do not talk much during the semesters, but when we are all home, we just sit around for hours, laughing, talking about the 'good days'. It's so funny to laugh about how dumb yet fun some of our situations were. We have a solid group of about 10-15 of us who always get together. It's been that way for years and I feel blessed.

After we hung out, we went out to this local bar. Of course, you see people there who you wish you never saw again. However, we had fun. This one girl was basically hitting on me. Another thought I was really cute, but she wasn't my time. It was a good ego boost.

Outside of that, my ex and I are now on Day 11 of NC. I still think about her often, but I realize that I am the most important person. I know that she went to the city to go to a bar with a girlfriend and this girlfriend was exclaiming how 'wild' it would be. Mind you, my ex is not the 'wild' type of girl and has problems with truly letting herself go. (She won't get drunk, etc) This girlfriend is 'dating' one of my good friends and he told me once that my ex doesn't talk to any other guys or anything when she goes out. Good to know.

I realize now that we are not supposed to be together right now. There is only so much you can experience in a relationship together when you are so young. If you told me right now that I would be without her for the next 2-3 years, but you'd get her back forever after that, I'd take it.

I really do not think our story is over, but patience is the key.

Goodnight.

Got a text from her tonight. She just said 'Happy Thanksgiving to you and your family'

I responded back a little later and said 'Thanks. Happy thanksgiving to you and your fam'.

Wasn't part of a chain text. Trying not to over-analyze it.

Her and I haven't gone longer than 12 days, post-breakup without talking. One of us always breaks it with something stupid. I'm letting her come to me.

Another great day for me today.

I went out with my Dad during the day to do some car shopping. At night, my friends and I went to casino. Didn't win any money, but we had fun, so that's all that matters.

I still think of you regularly, but I keep myself as #1.

Basketball game tomorrow night. Really looking forward to it. Going to spend quality time with the family tomorrow as well.

Two more days at home before I go back to school/work. Only three weeks left in the semester. Time for the big finish.

I want to chronicle interaction that we've had since the breakup. It'll help me look back on day and realize how stupid I was acting and she was acting. Here we go.

Sept. 29- We break up. She is hysterically crying. We both agree that it'll be the best for now. Vow to come back stronger.

Sept. 30- She texts me early in the morning to tell me that she is still crying. And that she loves me. I text her later on, saying that I'm going out with my friends. She tells me to enjoy it because I deserve it.

Oct. 3- I go on Facebook. I see pictures of her and her girlfriends out at a party. She is at her ex-boyfriend's house. I get really angry and call her and ask her what she's doing there. She said that she went out with the girls and since her and that guy dated for only a few months, 3 years ago, it should be a problem. (This guy was the first person to break her heart as well and she was crushed). She tells me things like 'I will always love you. We needed for this to happen, you know this'. He apparently apologized to her that night for how he treated her along time ago.

Oct. 6- She texts me again. Saying that she feels like she lost herself somewhere along the line. She wants to find her own happiness again. She tells me that this has nothing to do with my parents (?, Mind you, they always treated her like gold) and she thanked me for always treating her well. I respond saying 'Glad to hear it'.

Oct. 7- The worst night of my life. I get super drunk. I'm at this bar and need a ride home. No one is able to come get me, but I text her. She is apparently with her friends still. They were all drinking and she wouldn't come get me. I pour my heart out to her. She gets super mad.

Oct. 8- I call her in the morning to apologize. She is still extremely angry with me. Tells me that we became 'just friends'. We acted like 'an old married couple'. I took it all in stride. Got a little angry, but was remorseful for how I acted.

Oct. 8 (2)- We go home for Columbus Day. She texts me that night saying 'Please don't think I'm heartless. I'm hurting as well'. I ignored.

Oct. 11- I respond to her text finally, saying that we need time and space. She wants to drop something off to me later. I say no. She insists and I say fine. If you come by at dinner time, then we'll get food. She ends up texting me later, cancelling saying 'I got in late. Don't think I was ignoring you. We'll meet another day'.

Oct. 12- I act like an idiot and decide to ask her out to dinner again. No response. I text her again. She tells me that she doesn't want to go out. It's too soon. I decide to go NC.

Oct 21- I break NC. I see her at this event at school. We don't interact at all. After the event, I text her, asking her why that was awkward. She feeds me some line saying 'I don't know how to act when you try to something that you aren't'. 100% BS and a cop out. Leads to an argument and I send a million texts at night, none of which are answered. She responds to me in the morning and we start to argue again. Basically poured my heart out again to her. She gets really angry. Tells me to stop contacting her, etc. etc. I finally agree with everything she says and leave her alone.

Nov 3- She texts me. Late at night too. Saying that her Mom came to visit today and that she wanted to come see me. I ignore it.

Nov 9- She texts me again. Late at night again (She doesn't drink, either). Asking me how I was. How things were. After not responding for five minutes, she says 'Well, if you feel the need to push me out of your life, then so be it. It's just been a few weeks.' I respond the next day and she starts prying for answers about my life. I just give her some short answers and she looks for more. I suggest lunch in the near future and she says 'Alright. Sounds great. Talk to you soon'.

Nov 11- I see her at a bar. I say hi to her in passing. At the end of the night, I want her to come back with me. She says no and 'this is why we can't be friends/talk'. And I basically begged for her back and she kept telling me how unattractive that was. Last time I'll ever get like that.

Nov 13- I call and apologize for my behavior. She is cold on the phone.

Thanksgiving- Around 8pm, I get a personalized 'Happy Thanksgiving to XXXX and your family' I reciprocated the message and here I am today.

**90% of this intereaction came via text message. Also seems like we can't go longer than 2 weeks without talking.

Sundays are normally tough for me. Typically, the day of relaxation is a day where I spent a lot of time on here and time thinking about you. I only have three weeks left in the semester and the work load is about to pick up.

Birthday is this week. Big plans with some friends.

Haven't initiated anything in 15 days now.

Your doing good man. Just Keep NC and like you said about you Holiday thread be with friends ans family. It's going to be an interesting 30 days we will get through this.

Pretty much had an ephiphany here at 2:20 Am.

We all long for the day that our exes call us, reach out to us, etc. Whatever.

However, in what state of mind will you be when you eventually get that call?

My point is, now is the time to put yourself back together. Time to put all of the hurt away. Time to stop with the Facebook, talking to family/friends about it. Use this time to build a better you so you aren't a broken person when they come back knocking as a healthy, healed, new individual. I don't think reconciliation is even possible until the 5-6 month mark at the earliest. We all need time to get ourselves together and MOVE ON from that old relationship because if you want to get back together, it has to be 100% new. The feelings are still there, but the dynamic must be different this time around.

It'd be unreasonable for them to cast their pride aside and say "I want you back now. Come running back to me" because for one, they probably don't even know if you are dating and they don't want to look stupid. People ease into things. Think about approaching a new girl/guy on the street. Would you bombard them or just let things progress casually?

I don't believe in game playing at all, so I choose to respond to contact that I believe needs responding to. I'll keep things very brief and to the point.

For anyone that's hurting, all hope is not gone. Do not read too much into the advice of some posters. Most people at ENA are hurt right now too and will base their advice off their misfortunes. Search the archives and read SuperDave, TiredTiger, and Zorba postings.

Just remember, if you don't do anything, you can't mess anything up.

Patience. Patience. Patience.

Good things happen to those who wait.

Just remember, if you don't do anything, you can't mess anything up.

 

Patience. Patience. Patience.

 

Good things happen to those who wait.

You got this man.

I'm pretty much miserable today for absolutely no reason. It's my birthday. I went out last to a casino with my friends. Won a lot of money. Paid for my spring break trip and all. I've heard from a lot of friends already today and it's only 10 AM.

I feel the love from everyone and I feel truly blessed.

However, I am just not happy, at all. I haven't gotten any birthday greeting from her today and I've been told so much stuff about her. One of my best friends dates one of her closest friends. He told me that those two girls are literally attached at the hip now, but never hung out when we dated. He told me that she's normally alone with the girls when they go out, but he think she wants someone to hang out with (another guy). No idea why he thinks that, but he just does.

Another friend called and wished me a happy birthday. She told me that my ex apologized for shutting her out the past couple of weeks. She asked my ex a few days ago about her and I and my ex told her that 'Absolutely nothing is going on'. and that she was 'Very happy with herself and how her life is now'. Pretty much with me completely out of it.

I'd never wish unhappiness upon anyone. It just sucks knowing that she's probably not feeling the same pain and having as hard of a time as I am. Maybe she is. Who knows. This whole thing could purely be a front. I have no idea. If it's a front, she's a realyl good actress.

I've read in countless places that dumper always try to put up a facade that everything is wonderful in their lives, but I was told that she seemed genuinely happy.

I haven't received a birthday text or anything from her today. Who knows if I will. If I don't get anything from her, I'll just assume that she forgot or just doesn't care anymore.

First of all, Wish You A Very Happy Birthday!

I'm sorry for how you feel. Just remember you're not alone.

She might send you a birthday greeting later on just like when she did in Thanksgiving day. Just don't wait for her or expect anything. Still it doesn't mean she forgot you if she didn't text you. She can't actually even if she wanted.

I know we all want to know about their new lives, but maybe it's better if we don't. It will just make us more miserable. It's hard, but we have to fight this.

Happy B-day man!

Don't let it bother you this much. You can't let it be like that. Just try to have a good day!

It's just a crappy feeling when you aren't over the breakup and the other person does not even think enough of you reach out to you on your birthday. The one day per year that truly is yours.

Her and I got into an argument on her birthday in July and she claims that 'ruined it'. Even though, the very next day, I got my entire family to come down and meet her family for the first time over a huge dinner. Everyone hit it off really, really well. She got a ton of gifts from all of us. The spotlight was truly on her.

Why reach out to me randomly the prior weeks and on Thanksgiving, but not my birthday? The tension has been removed from the situation. I'm not pursuing her, pressuring her, etc. I'm not fighting her anymore.

YO KID!!!!!!!!!

*slap* HEY! Pull it together, will ya?!

Like you said, this is YOUR day. Don't make it about her. You had a great night (aka won hella money). Your friends reached out to you, many before the end of the morning! I bet people are blowing up your FB with "HAPPY BIRTHDAY HOMIE!"s and the like.

Who cares what she's doing?

Maybe she's actively trying to hurt you. You ever think about that? Maybe she's not over you and she wants to try to make you feel something towards her. Or maybe she really is indifferent. Maybe she's so beyond you that it's just another day to her, and she doesn't even remember it's your birthday.

Again, who cares.

I know it's not easy to just go about your day when you want to hear from ONE person. I've been there, believe me, I have. But you guys aren't together anymore. It's not her job, nor is it yours, to greet one another for holidays or anything else. You just gotta go forward man. Enjoy YOUR day.

If you need anything at all, you know where to find me. Happy birthday man.

-P

Well, this day just keeps getting worse.

I was notified today that I will not be brought back in the Spring time at my job. They are staffing more full-time people and no longer need their intern.

Why would she contact me on Thanksgiving though and not today, my birthday, literally a week later? It's just surreal to me. She knows that it's my birthday today.

Kid...she didn't contact you on Thanksgiving until it was almost over. I"m not saying she will contact you but please try to have a good day today with or without her contact. I'm sorry about your job. Is there anything you can get out and do today? A movie perhaps? Family? Unfortunately we cannot reasonably expect or count on ex's to acknowledge special days anymore, although I do understand your frustration. Sorry.

I am going out with my friends tonight.

There's a school wide event that I'm sure she's going to. So I honestly doubt that I will hear from her.

Well, no contact from her on my birthday.

Will never know why, but hey, it's a crappy feeling knowing you weren't worth a text, call or whatever.

Just talk to a nice girl, get her number and take her on a nice date. It really does get your mind off things

I hope you had a good birthday anyway. My ex dumped me 3 days before my birthday last month so I understand the crappy feeling. Keep pressing on.

It's time for me to get off of the roller coaster. Enough is enough.

If she chooses not to be in my life anymore, then forget her. I had a great birthday. My friends are awesome. And the ironic thing is, I had a few of my exes from years past wish me a happy birthday! Ironic, right?

I watched Swingers tonight for the first time. If you haven't watched it already, I suggest you watch it, especially if you are a guy.

I have a very, very strange feeling that I'll be going down Mikey's path.

After tonight, I am completely, 100% finished with this old relationship.

I started to re-read some old threads from last year and some of the problems that I dealt with at the time. It started to put a lot of things in perspective for me.

In my situation, I'm dealing with a person who has dangerously low self-esteem issues. Like, rock bottom low. Me, on the other hand, glows with self-confidence, self-esteem, etc. She is a shattered, ruined, person. She has her upbringing to blame and it's not her fault at all. Her family is chaotic. Purely, simply, and entirely chaotic. She doesn't know how to do normal. She knows chaos and doesn't know how to accept or deal with people who treat her well. This posting from an ENAer last year, really, really hit home tonight. My OP talked about how I was having problems dealing with her low self-esteem and how she was acting overall in general.

I regret having to side with DadaJones's gloomy prediction, but I am afraid that I have to partially agree with it. Don't get me wrong, it isn't an absolute certainty or anything. I just believe there is a higher risk for self-destructive behavior when dealing with low self-esteem. I am positive that there are cases out there where one person with good self-esteem partners with somebody with poor-self esteem and they some how manage to address such issues, heal them and grow together - however I have a lot of reasons to speculate that these cases are in the minority.

From my own personal experiences, I could have most certainly written the OP's post myself in my last LTR's word for word a year into it. I continued my supportive, caring, and understanding behavior for nearly 3 more years. Despite my endeavors (including her seeing a therapist for an entire year), it still ended tragically. Low-self esteem is a much bigger problem then a healthy level of insecurity. It is very difficult to overcome, as it often takes root in early childhood (you mentioned the rough upbringing), and it is likely to manifest into some form of self-destructive behaviors. Getting romantically involved with a partner with low self-esteem is extremely challenging, and due to their devalued and distorted self-image it carries at the least a very high risk of failure.

I don't suggest that you should radically alter your current behavior or anything -- I think you should continue to be a wonderful, kind, understanding, supportive and great guy that you are. Just be careful and guard your heart until this issue has been explored, addressed, and dealt with. Also, keep careful tabs on who is "carrying the weight" of the relationship. Who is putting the most effort into maintaining it? Who is distancing? Who is pursuing? If you find yourself in a situation where you find that you are doing nearly all of the pursing, maintenance, making the most compromises, and putting in the most effort (which is highly likely if she is truly suffering from low self-worth) -- I implore you: PULL BACK. Shift your focus to yourself, your life outside of her, and your own personal interests until she starts picking up the slack (via actions, not words). She has to believe that she deserves you, and that she is worthy having you as a partner for it to ever work long-term. If you do not do this consistently and repeatedly if/when necessary, she will end up (unintentionally) dragging you through the dirt, devalue you (to the level in which she values herself), lose respect for you and kick you to the curb in some form or fashion. While I think asking the questions above is good for anyone in a relationship, I believe it is particularly vital to have this level of cautious awareness if your partner has low self-esteem because they are likely to eventually treat you the way they treat themselves -- poorly. If/when this happens, make sure that you stand your ground even if it means what could be the demise of the relationship.

Change will be challenging and painful for her, and witnessing her experience it (or not experience it) will be painful for you as well. But only she can change the beliefs she currently holds for herself, and no matter how hard you try to support her the bottom line is that it is her choice alone.

If you try to stick this out for the long-haul, you are in for a bumpy, painful ride. I wish you the best of luck. Just make sure she doesn't end up taking advantage of your kind heart -- because to truly win, you have to be willing to lose. Stay strong.

Well, I was truly willing to lose and I lost. I lost big time. I put my heart, soul, everything into this girl. And I didn't even get back half of what I put in. My sincerity and niceness was USED. I was literally used. I used until something 'better' came along. A new group of catty, * * * * * y girlfriends who don't give a crap about you.

How stupid am I? The only things I truly got from her: Dinner every night, someone to share my success with, a lot of fun memories, and that's about it. She never really wanted to listen to my problems because she was too absorbed with her own. And her problems are gigantic. She is not fit for any type of relationship. She needs counselling really, really badly, but that's something she hasta explore on her own.

Could I marry someone who simply just wants to sweep every problem under the rug? What would my children think about that? 'Oh well, Mommy doesn't want to talk about that'

She is going to explode one day because she bottles up every single freaking problem that she has. She has bottled up our relationship woes, she has bottled up so much freaking debt (She'll be paying off student loans for the rest of her life).

Shame on me for always rubbing your feet and never getting anything in return. Shame on me for always pleasing you sexually and me having to practically beg for you to tell me 'I'm not in the mood. I don't want to do that'. Shame on me for offering up my home as a safe haven away from your crazy family. Shame on me for allowing my family to support you financially and always being there to help you out. Shame on me for always paying when we go out when I was only making $50 per week. Guys should pay, but not every single time. Shame on me for promising stability and telling you not to worry about her student loans becuase I will pay them off in due time. Shame on me for looking at engagement rings with you. SHAME ON ME FOR HELPING YOU WHEN YOUR ENTIRE SORORITY TURNED THEIR BACKS ON YOU! Who was there to pick up the pieces? Who was there to tell you you were better than that? And who went running back to the sorority sisters a week later and claims to LOVE THEM!? And shame on me for wasting time on someone who is so god damn selfish and can't even take 15 seconds to send a text to someone 'Happy birthday' after giving you his heart and soul for 2.5 years. SHAME ON ME FOR SUPPORTING YOU THROUGH YOUR WEIGHT PROBLEM! You look so good now, but when you were heavy and nothing was working, WHO STOOD BY YOUR SIDE?! Shame on me for allowing you to criticize my physical appearance when I'm easily one of the best looking men here. Shame on me for not walking away a long time ago......

BOTTOM LINE: YOU. ARE. SELFISH.

If things weren't 100% your way, you'd get mad. If we didn't see your favorite movie or your favorite restaurant, you'd get angry. If I didn't rub your back, you'd get mad. Why the hell would I want to go back to that?

You will never, ever find someone who was as understanding as I was and dealt with all of your garbage and drama. I thank God for ending this 'relationship' as I now see that it was literally nothing more than a complete lie. I was used because I am a stable, loving person. When the stability wasn't enough, I was kicked to the curb.

And you are just way too stupid to realize how great you had it. You are too broken to realize what a man should be. You are too flawed to realize that every man is not like your alcoholic, cheating father. You are too broken to realize how great I was for you. God gave me to you a silver platter. A silver freaking platter. He said, 'Here you go. This man will save you and change your life forever. He will give you everything you ever wanted and give you the life you've always wanted. He will be the perfect husband, father, and mate. Just love him, that's all he asks for'.

I would have loved you until your dying day, I don't care if you were 100 pounds, 200 or 300. I didn't care. That was true, unconditional love. Something that you are incapable of feeling or giving. And that's something I deserve and will get soon from someone else.

No more talking to friends or family about you. No more Facebook. No more of your drama and lies.

Nothing except truly pent up, angry feelings unleashed this rant. I needed this happen as I feel 100% better now.

I'm done. Good riddance.

I wanted you to be something that you are literally incapable of being, bottom-line. And I'll still have my weak moments, but I'll hold on to the anger of the post above.

kid-- great release of feelings!!!

Damn man, I felt your words, Is this your final stance on the whole situation? Just be thankful you dodged this bullet like most of us on here. I sorry your going through this mess and thinking about it kills me too maybe you should just write her a letter and just walk away? Get the closure you truly want? Or are you done wasting your time and energy into thinking about her this much?

It just might be better to forget her like you said, selfish deserve to be with selfish and repeat the cycle over and over. By the way the girl on went I a date on is keeping space. She seems very stressed about school so I'm just going to let her be until she contacts me. Start to just date other people man. It does get your mind off them. But it also comes with the double blade sword because you'll try to not compare them to your ex but in a way you are.

I think the best thing for you is to take the x-mas break and just treat the relationship like a death. She's not the same person she's and empty shell of what you once love, it was her choice to leave you, her choice to mess up the relationship up and her choice to call you. Let her be alone, let her regret leaving you. I can't really give you much more advice but you know whats best for you. Just meet new people realize what kind of person she truly is and just accept it. Your not the only one with a selfish ex... At least she didn't leave you for someone else. Or walk out before you were going to propose.

Some girls know exactly what they want and some don't have a clue. After all the advice you have given me I can actually give you one piece of advice... There are actually girls out there that will appreciate you and your time. I learned that Friday night. Once you see what I'm talking about you'll be thinking in a different wave lengths.

Kid, crap happens for a reason and just be thankful it's now, then lets say your married of have children involved. Your a great man. Women will see that in you if you just let this one go. 've been told by a forum members that we both have have old spirits in which we do. I guess you can say that I accepted that my ex is gone. Now it's your turn do just shut the door, never cross this bridge again.

When I read your vent. I saw me in your shoes, those words you said, your actions and how your treated the one you love. But you know what, I'm starting to sleep better on my own, im starting to go to places by myself more, and i am more alone on my off time.You'll get through this man.

I don't know if your on any health insurance or taking any medicine, but talking to a professional helps. Again friend I'm sorry your pissed off and hurt.

Thanks for the reply.

I honestly don't need medication or anything like that. I feel like that's just a weak way to escape problems (no offense to anyone). If I can't accept reality and just deal with it, then that's something I need to work on on my own.

I draw a ton of attention from other girls. A lot of the girls from the past have resurfaced after my ex and I broke up. A lot of new girls have come to light as well.

The only thing I really want is some meaningless hookups right now. I'm not over her, but something meaningless will help me.

Will I ever talk to her again? I have no idea. Not hearing from her on my birthday was a wake up call really. Was she too hurt? Too upset? Or did she just want to stay away form me? I guess I'll never know, but if everyone else remembered, then I'm sure she didn't forget.

I will never say never about anyone, but I am starting to feel better.