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Thread: Can't let go even though she doesn't care.

  1. #1
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    Can't let go even though she doesn't care.

    I'd be greatful if you can spend the time to read my story.
    I was with my girlfriend for three years. She was my first proper girlfriend, and I was her first proper boyfriend although she had had relationships previous. We did a lot of firsts together.

    We broke up just four months ago.
    We 'mutually' broke up however it is something I never wanted to do. Please bare with.
    We started to drift apart, because she started cancelling dates, moving days around, saying she was busy a lot. When I asked to see her she said she couldn't, then when I sounded disappointed she would say 'oh ok I'll have to cancel my plans then to come and see you' this really made me feel like I was being a nuisance. When I explained this, she would get upset and say she's fed up of getting things wrong...
    I tried to talk to her about what was happening, everytime I tried to explain how I was feeling she would take it very personally, get upset, tell me she was upset and then obviously I felt bad about the whole thing. When she would come out towards the end of the relationship, she'd pull away when I tried to hug her, she would hardly talk, so I tried to make conversation and I could see in the corner of my eye she would sometimes pull faces of disgust almost like she was saying'oh shut up' and when I turned to her she would stop. When I asked to see her she would say something like 'ill let you know' then she never would and I'd have to ask again...
    When I asked her does she want to be with me she would say 'I've never said I don't' and then 'you ask this a lot, you must not be happy' I would try to explain that I'm wondering why we aren't seeing eachother as much. Although I admit when she started behaving like this, I started to back away a bit. Then last year she told me she wasn't sure if she as happy anymore....I gave her space and time away for her to think about it. When she came back she still said she didn't know. This then carried on for a while. She stopped wanting to stay over with me, I'd offer to cook meals and have time together but she would always be busy. I tried weekends away, again busy. Looking back I have been a fool but I guess I was trying to save things.
    When I talked to her face to face about things, she would just tell me 'not to worry' and she'll make more of an effort. She never really did. I tried and tried. Until I got so down about it all I told her I will wait for her to ask to see me now. She never did...eventually she said asked me are we just carrying On For the sake of it. I asked again if she wanted to be together...the same answer came...I told her I wanted to be with her and work things out. She told me we can't go on like this and so we 'mutually' agreed to break up. I told her it breaks my heart but I just couldn't see any other way?? What was I meant to do? So we broke up.
    To say the last few months for me have been really tough is an understatement. I fell badly for her and I do still love her. I know she doesn't feel the same. I can't stop thinking about her.
    We stopped talking for a while - after about a month of break up I asked to meet and try and sort things out (she said when we broke up, who know knows In a month or two) but she said she couldn't give me an answer, and then ignored me for two months. I didn't contact her again and tried hard to get on with my life. She was posting on social media sounding so happy and cheery etc.
    Then one day I drove past and saw her, I waved to her and she completely blanked me, I then saw her in the shop the same day, I wanted to say hi, but she avoided me so fast I didn't get chance. I laughed it off.
    Then later that day I received a text from her, saying she did see me but she couldn't say hi because i was turned away from her................
    We then text for a biut a week, I did ask for coffee she just replied 'thanks'. She asked me a few things, mainly just being polite and she started sending me links to jobs I have been looking for.
    Then out of the blue a new guy appeared......I know she is talking to him/ seeing him and then all of a sudden she ignored my message again and stopped contacting...she hasn't contacted since.
    Finding this out made me feel bad again, I was just stating to feel a bit better then I took a huge turn again. The thought of her with someone else was/is horrible. I wa struggling to understand how she can move on so fast and forget about me. I never contacted again (and haven't since, I've kept quiet but I'm struggling with my depression creeping back in)
    Then out of the blue again, she randomly tagged me in soemthing on Facebook. It was strange...I commented on the tag but she never replied. She also still appears to wear things I bought her.
    That was the last I heard from her.

    Looking back have I been a total fool? I was just trying to save things because I love her so much, I still do. I still think about her daily, but I know she isn't giving me a second thought.

    I'm trying really hard to stop it but I get angry, upset, frustrated that she has just moved on. When we first got together within a couple of months she was saying she wants us to move in together, to get a house etc etc. I'm wondering whether because we never did this is maybe the reason she lost interest?
    This new guy has lots of land, animals, house etc...everything she ever wanted. And I feel pretty s##t. I told her I want her to be happy...I do...she ever said it back to me.

    Does anyone have any thoughts on my situation?
    Thankyou.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    I'm assuming you're both in your early twenties and it's common for one or both to outgrow the relationship. Just as there are starter homes, there are also starter relationships, which aren't meant to last. But it can still be a good memory for you, and you likely learned what you want and don't want in a future relationship.

    You can't let go, though, because you've continued to stay in contact and haven't deleted her from social media. You're going to have to do that for your own good--for closure. Because every time she tags you and every time you speak to her or search her photos on Facebook, you're setting yourself back to square one. Without contact, you can then eventually get past the mourning stage and enter the healing stage. You can't do that with what you're presently doing. Fate has someone else in store for you when you're emotionally ready. Begin the journey to that readiness by ripping off your rearview mirror today.

  3. #3
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    Originally Posted by Andrina
    I'm assuming you're both in your early twenties and it's common for one or both to outgrow the relationship. Just as there are starter homes, there are also starter relationships, which aren't meant to last. But it can still be a good memory for you, and you likely learned what you want and don't want in a future relationship.

    You can't let go, though, because you've continued to stay in contact and haven't deleted her from social media. You're going to have to do that for your own good--for closure. Because every time she tags you and every time you speak to her or search her photos on Facebook, you're setting yourself back to square one. Without contact, you can then eventually get past the mourning stage and enter the healing stage. You can't do that with what you're presently doing. Fate has someone else in store for you when you're emotionally ready. Begin the journey to that readiness by ripping off your rearview mirror today.
    We are mid twenties. I thought we had something good but she thought not. I know things went sour but it's nothing we couldn't of worked if we were both willing enough.
    I agree about the contact. I just don't understand why? And how she can move on so quickly.

  4. #4
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    She moved on quickly because she was already moving on while she was still in a relationship with you. I'm not saying she cheated, but she had already emotionally moved on. Chances are, she was waiting for you to end it.
    She will continue to wear things that you gave her because they are hers to wear. DOn't overanalyze this.
    She is immature. She will tag you on facebook or send you a random text when she feels lonely. Women like to feel wanted...it's totally natural! When she feels lonely, she will remember that you want her, and she will reach out as a means of giving herself that feeling. It's crappy and quite selfish.
    Unfollow her on social media. Give yourself a break. Go out with someone new and exciting and mature.

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  6. #5
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    Originally Posted by loyal
    She moved on quickly because she was already moving on while she was still in a relationship with you. I'm not saying she cheated, but she had already emotionally moved on. Chances are, she was waiting for you to end it.
    She will continue to wear things that you gave her because they are hers to wear. DOn't overanalyze this.
    She is immature. She will tag you on facebook or send you a random text when she feels lonely. Women like to feel wanted...it's totally natural! When she feels lonely, she will remember that you want her, and she will reach out as a means of giving herself that feeling. It's crappy and quite selfish.
    Unfollow her on social media. Give yourself a break. Go out with someone new and exciting and mature.
    A couple of people have said she was immature. I think she was waiting for me to end things, then it wouldn't look bad on her I guess? I won't be anyone's comfort blanket when they're lonely, she either wants me or not. She clearly doesn't . Only thinking of her own feelings in that situation...which isn't very nice. Like you say selfish.

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by Fragiletop
    A couple of people have said she was immature. I think she was waiting for me to end things, then it wouldn't look bad on her I guess? I won't be anyone's comfort blanket when they're lonely, she either wants me or not. She clearly doesn't . Only thinking of her own feelings in that situation...which isn't very nice. Like you say selfish.
    This is a great mindset to have! Good for you!
    She probably wanted you to end things because she was either a) not mature enough to do it herself, b) wanted to be the victim, or c) wanted to make you feel like she wanted the relationship (in case she would need you in the future). You are better off!!

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by Fragiletop
    I agree about the contact. I just don't understand why? And how she can move on so quickly.
    Because she started detaching from you long before you two officially broke up.

    Dumpers and dumpees are rarely ever on the same healing timeline. The dumpee usually begins the process from the day of the actually break-up, whereas the dumper already wanted out and started letting go and processing the end quite a while beforehand.

    It sucks, I know. I have been in her shoes, though. I dated my then-boyfriend for 5 years, but it wasn't working out. I had been losing interest and contemplating a break-up for months before I actually ended it. I met my next boyfriend about 2 months later, and he and I wound up staying together longer than the ex and I. I know my ex struggled a lot when he heard I was dating again, and that he was sure (hoping?) that it was a rebound. It wasn't. My ex wasn't a bad guy but I was ready to let go of him and date someone else far sooner than he was, simply because I truly wanted out and he didn't. This probably isn't what you want to hear, but rather to explain your ex's current frame of mind.

    Be careful getting your hopes up if she gets back in touch. Chances are she will disappear again when a new guy (or the current one) surfaces.

  9. 07-03-2019, 06:20 PM

  10. 07-03-2019, 06:39 PM
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    Refers to deleted post.

  11. #8
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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    Because she started detaching from you long before you two officially broke up.

    Dumpers and dumpees are rarely ever on the same healing timeline. The dumpee usually begins the process from the day of the actually break-up, whereas the dumper already wanted out and started letting go and processing the end quite a while beforehand.
    Then I don't understand why she did that to me. Why she didn't want to try and work things out instead of just detaching. Especially after I was hopelessly trying for months to sort things when she knew in her own heart she wanted out. She could of spared me the pain and just ended it. I still don't know why she went off me. I guess I'll never know. I'm disappointed more than anything, I was honest with her through out but it feels she was putting on a braver face while behind the scenes she was moving on from me mentally. Ouch

  12. #9
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    Didn't you post this under a different user name?

    Yeah, sounds like she wanted you to pull the trigger.

    You'll meet someone who actually wants to spend time with you. Then you'll wonder why you were so upset over someone who treated you with such disregard.

  13. #10
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    Originally Posted by Fragiletop
    Then I don't understand why she did that to me. Why she didn't want to try and work things out instead of just detaching.
    There could be a couple reasons:

    A) She may not have been totally sure how she was feeling. Perhaps she tried to convince even herself that she "should" stay because she knows you're a good guy. She likely just reached a point where she couldn't ignore her desire to end it, hence why she didn't really want to invest time in working on things with you. She was leaning more towards breaking up than staying together.

    or

    B) She was already talking to this new guy while you were still together, and wasn't sure what his intentions were. She may not have wanted to let you go until she knew that he wanted something more serious with her. This is a hard scenario to digest, I realize, and most dumpees will deny that's it's even possible, that their ex would never do that - but it does happen. Even with the people we'd least suspect of being dishonest.

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