rnmom13 Posted December 31, 2008 Share Posted December 31, 2008 I have been with my guy for 2 1/2 years. We have been married for 7 months. We did not have sex before marriage because he wanted to wait and "do it right this time". I respected that. However, I was not dealt the same respect. On our wedding night I was told things were not working right. I chalked it up to the commotion of the last few days leading to the marriage. We were both exhausted. 7 long months later we still have not had sex. He says he didn't know this was gonna happen. I say, there is no way he DIDN'T know this was happening. I am positive it didn't stop working on May 31! I feel I had a right to know that this was basically going to be a sexless marriage. I love him dearly but I do have a right to the way I live my life. I cannot imagine living the rest of my life and never having sex. He does not touch me, we do kiss and hold hands(a peck, no passionate kiss). He says it is not me. He says I am beuatiful and he loves me but I am left feeling so undesirable and alone. If the tables were turned I would most definitely please my man. He, however does not see it that way. He wouldn't help me out if he had to. I am just floored at this situation. He makes no attempt to remedy the situation or find out the cause. I think that is part of what irritates me. He basically acts like it doesn't matter to him so why should it matter to me? He keeps saying "there is more to a relationship than sex"....yeah I got that....6 months ago but what about now? How do you live with someone that you love and never desire them? How long would you put up with this before you let him go? Other than this I love him so very much and we have it good except for this. I know sex is not the only aspect to a relationship and truthfully I would probably stay with him regardless. But what is everyone's opinion....is this ever a reason to leave someone? And how long is too long to be involved with someone like this? Link to comment
Umlunguusa Posted December 31, 2008 Share Posted December 31, 2008 He obviously is holding off from you for a reason...I've been in sexless relationships before, but then again, we were awaiting marriage...there is no excuse for not wanting to have sex with you, especially because you guys are married now. I think honestly, you need to sit down and express your feelings and desires. if he still ignores them, then see a marraige counselor, or maybe he needs to see a psychiatrist. Would there be any reason to suspect he's trying to hide something from you? have you ever seen him naked, or done anything else sexual aside from intercourse? Link to comment
Timebandit Posted December 31, 2008 Share Posted December 31, 2008 It is hard to see a future for the two of you together, unless he is willing to start working on this problem. Touch and sex is such an integral part of a romantic relationship, such as a marriage. It seems to me that he must have some issues around his own sexuality. Do you think he would be willing to see a counsellor? Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted December 31, 2008 Share Posted December 31, 2008 He wouldn't help me out if he had to. Does this comment have to do with how he is in general, not just sex...that you can't rely on him to help you? There are a few possibilities to why he is not having sex with you: 1) Fear of intimacy. 2) Passive Aggressive behaviour tied in with bottled up anger at the world...unleashes his bottled up anger in passive aggressive ways, the classic is not giving the partner what they really want...the intimacy. That's why I was asking if he is not a giving person in general. 3) Still in the closet...homosexual but hasn't come out. Link to comment
Timebandit Posted December 31, 2008 Share Posted December 31, 2008 There are a few possibilities to why he is not having sex with you: 1) Fear of intimacy. 2) Passive Aggressive behaviour tied in with bottled up anger at the world...unleashes his bottled up anger in passive aggressive ways, the classic is not giving the partner what they really want...the intimacy. That's why I was asking if he is not a giving person in general. 3) Still in the closet...homosexual but hasn't come out. I would include sexual shame, such as being impotent, having been sexually abused etc. Link to comment
cruzer Posted December 31, 2008 Share Posted December 31, 2008 Im in shock, something has to be wrong. I want to stay a virgin until im married as well, not only is that uncommon for guys, but u guys been married 7 months and still no sex, * * * ? Have u asked him about this? were married now cant we atleast try sex lmao im guessing either he was abused sexually, is gay, or does not love u. if he loved u, he would want u to be happy, and have everything u want, and if u want sex he should give it if he loves you. Link to comment
LBP Posted December 31, 2008 Share Posted December 31, 2008 Have you expressed a sexual history that has perhaps spooked him? Link to comment
rnmom13 Posted December 31, 2008 Author Share Posted December 31, 2008 My sexual history is 3 other men....that is all. He has WAY more history than I do so that is not the reason. Yes we have discussed it. He just says he doesn't know what the problem is...that is will resolve. How the heck so we know that? It has been 7 MONTHS! I have expressed my feeling many times and told him how I feel. He tells me it is not me. He tells me he loves me and shows it so many other ways other than sex. But sex is SO important to a marriage and intimacy. I feel cheated Link to comment
blue69 Posted December 31, 2008 Share Posted December 31, 2008 You can only control yourself and your reactions in this situation. You would hope that you can encourage him to seek help but if he wont acknowledge a problem then seeking help isn't a priority. If he wont try to change his behavior and attitude then you either have to accept it and learn to deal with it or make a change. And by change I mean leave. I would suggest counseling for yourself. See if learning to live in a sexless marriage is something you can do. Otherwise seek out a lawyer to determine how to dissolve the marriage. There may be something about never consumating this relationship that may make that path easier. Either way you obviously love this man and are struggling with that decision. It is a tough one. I wish there was an easier answer for you. But really it seems like his decision will help you determine how to respond. Good luck. Link to comment
Yackstovic Posted December 31, 2008 Share Posted December 31, 2008 Sex is everything to me. I couldn't last in your situation and as Casey said it's 'abnormal' Sex is only powered when two people love eachother. Link to comment
COtuner Posted December 31, 2008 Share Posted December 31, 2008 If I truly loved the guy, forever. Just not the highest priority for me - there are other things that make me feel just as good. Still, the way he's doing this is weird. It's not like he's just not able to do it or whatever. Link to comment
savignon Posted December 31, 2008 Share Posted December 31, 2008 Someone on the previous page wrote some good questions....have you seen him naked? Have you done 'other things' that are sexual? Could he be impotent (which you would know from touching)? He needs to recognize this and take it on as a problem if things are going to change. If not, you have every right to feel cheated and like you were misled and should seek your own counciling....you are in your right to consider ending this relationship for this reason. You are a young woman and do not have to live a life without sex...everyone is different and some women may be able to. However, ANY concern of yours should be a concern of his when it involves the intimacy and integrity of your relationship. Link to comment
blackgnat Posted December 31, 2008 Share Posted December 31, 2008 How long would I stay in a sexless relationship? If he wasn't willing to consult with a doctor, a psychiatrist or a urologist, etc. then I'd stay about 8 months. Troubles in the bedroom impact EVERY PART of marriage. I know. Link to comment
cruzer Posted December 31, 2008 Share Posted December 31, 2008 What do u think would happen if u initiated sex? have u tried before? does he or will he stop u? perhaps if ur coming onto him he wont be able to resist Link to comment
babii doll Posted December 31, 2008 Share Posted December 31, 2008 and i thought 4 months was bad, my bf and i have been together for a year now and there was a point in our relationship where we didnt have sex for 4months that seriously had me considering cheating, even though i dont condone cheating the thought was definitely there, i had one foot out of the door towards the 5th month. that is when we had a long discussion about the lack of intimacy and the negative effect it had on our relationship, i dont care what anyone says, sex in a relationship is important. going several months without sex when your in a commited relationship isnt normal by any means. had he not made an effort after that discussion to change i wouldve been long gone. think its time for a sit down with the hubby, i cant imagine not even getting any for your wedding night, did you also have a honeymoon? that has to suck. Link to comment
Puckdog27 Posted December 31, 2008 Share Posted December 31, 2008 Im currently in a relationship that has very little sex. Once a month is alot. Im at my wits end, however we are only living together not married, and I will soon be moving out. Sex is an extremely huge part of a relationship. It builds the intamicy that creates the ties that bind. Im sure your husband would feel betrayed if you were to have sex with another. That is the intimacy I speak of. The connection that is sacred between man and woman. I would insist on some form of counseling. If he is unwilling, I would take the step towards ending the marriage. There is actually wording in divorce preceedings where "lack of sex" is a basis for divorce. Link to comment
kuiks8 Posted December 31, 2008 Share Posted December 31, 2008 HUH?!?! You have yet to have sex? Doesn't that mean the marriage is not even valid?!??! Wow that is really horrible. You must feel like you were tricked. Not only are you dealing with a sexless relationship but you are dealing with feeling betrayed as well as played. Have you had many talks about this? Has he been to see a doctor? If things aren't "working" is he willing to find a way to make it start to work? These are real questions to ask if they have not been asked... If he's not willing to do these things the next step I would take would be to talk to a lawyer...and i would tell him if he's not willing to seek help you will be consulting a lawyer... Sex is important in a relationship, so is honesty, integrity and trust. How can you have any of those considering he pretty much lied to you. I am sorry you are dealing with all of this... Link to comment
BeStrongBeHappy Posted December 31, 2008 Share Posted December 31, 2008 A sexless marriage is not a marriage. It may be a deep friendship, but not a marriage. In fact, if he never consummated the marriage, then you can legally apply for an annulment, which basically says you were never married at all. Personally, if i'd been married to a man for 7 months and he hadn't even attempted sex, i'd go straight for the annulment, because there is something seriously wrong here. he either has major sexual hangups or is gay or a pedophile and not acknowledging his sexual preferences. There is a small chance it is a hormonal imbalance, but if he won't agree to go to the doctor and have that tested and treated if it's the problem, then that's a moot point. If it's a mental hangup, then he needs counseling and needs to agree to that. If you really want to try to stay married, i would insist on marriage counseling and doing whatever it takes to get a good sex life going. And if he refuses to do this, then go straight for the annulment so that you can find someone who wants a normal marriage. Sex isn't everything in a marriage, but it is essential for a marriage, and a healthy and happy partnership. Link to comment
midnightrambler Posted December 31, 2008 Share Posted December 31, 2008 i would need sex about once a month....unless she brought money into the marraige Link to comment
BeStrongBeHappy Posted December 31, 2008 Share Posted December 31, 2008 ah, midnightrambler, the romantic! lol Link to comment
Applewhite Posted December 31, 2008 Share Posted December 31, 2008 ah, midnightrambler, the romantic! lol Why does everyone love you so much? Am I the only one that won't get the jokes! Link to comment
segor56 Posted December 31, 2008 Share Posted December 31, 2008 have you 'onsummated' the marriage?? (sorry didn't read all the posts)... If not, are you technically married? Link to comment
kuiks8 Posted December 31, 2008 Share Posted December 31, 2008 do you mean consummated? Link to comment
midnightrambler Posted December 31, 2008 Share Posted December 31, 2008 no joke....I know a lady that has sex with her husband about 3 times a year. but they have a great life, they travel and she deals with her sex drive in many different ways.... Link to comment
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