I want a baby but my wife doesn't

I apologize, but this may be long and all over the place...

My wife and I have been married now for almost 4 years. Before we were married the topic of having kids came up (of course). She said that she had never considered having kids before she met me... she promised me that we could have a child, but later on. The years have gone by and I've always (even when we had talked before the wedding and ever since) thought that she would change her mind. At some point we had decided to wait until her 35th birthday... well that has just passed.

Early last week she told me that she's terrified of having a child. Not only for the carrying and delivery, but also for the lifestyle change. We've spent hours talking about it and have attacked it from every angle, but we're stuck. For now I've offered to try to come to terms with a life without the possibility of a child of my own.... but I really don't know if I can. My wife and I are truly fantastic together and I can't imagine what my life would be like without her. She's my best friend and I love her more than anyone.

I don't know what to do. How can I leave her for a baby that doesn't even exist? I fully understand what she's feeling, but I've wanted to have a child since as long as I can remember, and it was always what I saw for us in the future... is it possible that I repress that desire? But, how can I leave behind my dreams of spending the rest of my life with her?

The only time I'm not a mess is when I'm distracting myself, keeping myself occupied, but how long can I keep it up? Everything just keeps spinning around in my head. What if I stay and end up resenting her and hating my life? What if I leave and never find another woman like her and never have a child?

I'm also worried about what might happen with her if we break up. She doesn't have her license and she's already said she wouldn't be able to continue working at the same place as me, seeing me and knowing what was going on with me, so one of us would have to leave. She's also told me that she doesn't know what she will do... what she's said has made me afraid that she'd consider suicide if we broke up.

To top it all off, we've recently sold our car and leased a new one. We've also put a conditional offer on a new house and have ours up for sale. We both love the new house, but should we give up that idea until this is sorted out? Should we pursue it on the chance that either of us will be able to change our minds?

Is trial separation a good idea? Would that really make a difference?

I'm so heartbroken right now at what this is doing to both my wife and I. I feel so torn and trapped in this situation.

Im sorry you are having to deal with this but the writing was on the wall before you got married. She was hesitant then and became increasingly hesitant as time went by. You love her and love your life with her but will your not having a child lead to your resentment of her in the future? Also adding the pressure of a new house when you are already uncertain of whether to stay or go is almost like an atomic bomb waiting to go off.

My advice is to hold off on the house sale, go and see a marriage counselor, and see if you both really have the same focus and goals for the long term. Ive seen marriages compromised because of this issue. I can tell you they are not happy marriages.

I would hold off on anything major like the house deal and agree with Elektra to start some counseling.

Ultimately you may find you have to make a terribly unpleasant decision. Either having a child is more important to you, or being married to this person is more important. That choice will be yours alone. None of us can say what you should really do. I don't envy you this decision at all.

Have you gone in to depth about the life style changes it may bring about? A good idea would be to get out the paper and pencil and go through the numbers. Raising a child is costly, but having it can be a big chunk of money up front. Day care can cost a lot too. A house would be nice, but if you have future baby bills, that would only add more debt.

Its good that you are really discussing this, because at 35 she does have good reason to be scared, being older will make it harder on her. She sounds more scared than anything. Maybe some time with a counselor to help mediate and organize your discussions would help get things out? If her fear is holding her back, you might be able to find a way to fix it and pull together a plan.

This is a serious matter!!! In many states, an undisclosed decision not to have children is grounds to dissolve the marriage ... not just as a divorce, but as an annulment (the marriage never happened!!!).

Obviously, you can't make her have a child if she doesn't want to ... but this is a HORRIBLE deception!!!

Zack.

This is a serious matter!!! In many states, an undisclosed decision not to have children is grounds to dissolve the marriage ... not just as a divorce, but as an annulment (the marriage never happened!!!).

 

Obviously, you can't make her have a child if she doesn't want to ... but this is a HORRIBLE deception!!!

 

Zack.

I don't think she was deceptive, she probably thought she may change her mind. Or he thought she would change her mind. Neither of those scenarios happened and now he is at this crossroad.

Thanks for your quick response everyone

Electra, I know what you mean about my situation being like an atomic bomb waiting to go off, it feels like that in my head. To be honest I really don't know about resenting her in the future... I can't imagine it, but with my mood this last week I can already feel myself drawing away a little.

Avman, I'm only too excruciatingly aware that this decision can be mine alone... I'm just seeing that any decision I make would be a terrible mistake.

Carnelian, I'm not sure the lifestyle changes would be that significant... we have a dog and in terms of travelling we're more constricted by him than we would a baby. Financially we're doing well, our families are extremely supportive and my parents are nearby and retired, so daycare isn't an issue. I think you're right about the fear, but unfortunately the word "fear" is an understatement. I think she's absolutely panicked by the thought of having a baby.

Zack, I don't think she was intending to deceive me. I think that she had hoped her fears would subside, where they only got worse. I think a large part of her wishes that she wanted to have a baby... for my sake.

Anyway, I have thought about going to counseling with her and have broached the subject already,... I've just been hesitant because we've been really open with each other about this and I don't see what a counselor could say or do that would make either of us change our views.

I agree about the house,... it's just a perfect house in a great town at a great price... we've talked about that too. I think we're just sitting on it for now, but we still have time to withdraw our conditional offer I think.

Thanks again guys.

Before we were married the topic of having kids came up (of course). She said that she had never considered having kids before she met me... she promised me that we could have a child, but later on.

I don't think she was deceptive, she probably thought she may change her mind.

The result is the same, Elektra. He married her based on her word. One of the primary reasons for getting married is to raise a family together. If they agree not to ... that's their decision. But she shouldn't have married him if she was not up to her word! Sorry ... but I'm not so quick to excuse her indecision on such an important matter!!!

Zack.

You may think you can't imagine resenting her but if your already drawing away what can you think will happen a few years from now? As for the house perfect or not if the occupants of the house arent happy that will just be another hassle and/or burden.

Like I said I have some friends who compromised on this same issue in their marriages. They DO NOT have happy marriages. Resentment they have PLENTY of.

A counselor can help you both figure if this will be something that can be worked through or if this is a major road block in your marriage.

I guess I hope that my withdrawing is due to my sadness right now and that it might fade.

I will pursue the counseling.... this more than sucks.

If your sad right now what do you think you'll be like when all your friends and co-workers start having children around you?? You will feel even more like crap. You have to come to terms if you want to be with her and know it may not work out. OR Pursue a life without her and with someone who does share your same outlook on family.

Also you have wanted this for as long as you can remember. This will be dictated by someone who doesn't even want to consider the option???

Zack, I can understand what you're saying... I had similar thoughts at one point (years ago when I only suspected that she would change her mind on having a child), but I can't be angry with her for that. I understand her thoughts at the time and her hopes that she would start really wanting a baby one day. It's just that that day hasn't come.

She's really a great woman, and we've had 7.5 great years together. Even if this ends our marriage, I could never regret the time with her.

Elektra, it's not that she isn't considering the option. She is, and says that she may yet decide to have a baby, but she can't imagine what will help her change her mind. As Carnelian said, she's 35. Carrying a baby will only become more risky for her, I'm worried about waiting for her to decide and the time we have to make those decisions.

Thats a smoke screen. Im 34 going on 35 next week. I can't wait to have kids. Plus many MANY women are having children later in life due to careers. This Im sorry to say is an excuse. I know you love her but this is just like when a man has a million and one excuses not to get married right away. The real reason...he doesnt want too and he doesn't want to have to compromise his lifestyle. Women just use that excuse of health safety the same way. As for waiting, you may be waiting a looooong time. Then menopause and ooops times up.

I've thought about it like that too.... I take her for her word, but yes I have my doubts about what she says.

You want kids too... do you think you could give that up for someone you felt you were perfect with (with the exception of the desire for kids)? I feel like it should be easier for me to give up since I'm not the one that has to carry... I feel like I'm asking more of her than if it was the other way around and she was the one wanting the baby and I didn't.

I was dating someone who decided 6 months into it that he didn't want children. I had to wrestle with it, and at that moment I did just want to spend my time with him and if the dream of children had to be let go of then so be it. HOWEVER, after we broke up and I was able to step away from it I realized I DID want kids still. You may be too close to this and can't see things as clearly and thats where a counselor would come in handy. To be a trained objective listener and mediator.

Personally, I think your wife is stalling and playing a great game of smoke and mirrors. Anyone I have ever met who has wanted kids for as long as they can remember never compromises that dream. If you do then what else will you compromise for her?

Thanks for all your opinions Elektra, I do value what you've had to say. I don't think she's intentionally trying to lead me on, but I do strongly suspect that she'll never decide to have a baby. You're probably right that I've too much emotionally invested and my love for her isn't helping anything in terms of making this decision for me. I think I'll take your advice on the counselor and I'll take it from there I guess....

NoI dont think she is being malicious at all. I think she is being a bit selfish and not completely honest. I mean she has said she doesn't want kids for health reasons, but she needs to just flat out say "NO WAY NO HOW"

No No, sorry for the miscommunication on that one,... I'm the one that first suggested the health concerns after the age of 35, not her, although she has adopted my opinions of risk to her, but she isn't using it as an excuse. It's not mainly for health reasons that she is afraid. It's the carrying, what it will do to her body and the lifestyle changes with raising a baby will bring.

She also knows the risk of birth defects has increased tremendously for the baby. No woman should ever have a child if she doesn't want to raise one.

You have to make a decision that you can live with. I don't really see how you could divorce a woman you seem to love so very much because of this, but that's just me.

You could make a deal with her that YOU will stay home and do all of the role that is traditionally for the female. Do you think you would be up for that?

Ultimately if she doesnt want the child there is no way having one will help things in the relationship - it is more likely to lead to a further breakdown as she may come to resent the child or you for the lifestyle changes and what happens to her body. Being pregnant brings about all kinds of changes, some women go through it easily, others have really hard times.

You need to think if you can stay with her without a child....

You have to make a decision that you can live with. I don't really see how you could divorce a woman you seem to love so very much because of this, but that's just me.

 

You could make a deal with her that YOU will stay home and do all of the role that is traditionally for the female. Do you think you would be up for that?

Even if he were to stay at home and do the bulk of child care during the day, the impact of having a child and the responsibility, as well as the change in roles will ultimately affect both parents- this is not like a puppy where one person can say they will do all the housebreaking and training and pay for the vet bills.

If she does not want a child (and she has valid reasons), trying to minimize her level of responsibility isn't going to change that.

I think she probably went into the marriage with the best of intentions and hopes that with time she would feel differently.

But ultimately the OP has to decide if this is a deal breaker for him or not.

Like Electra, I too know couples whom "compromised" (but really, this is not a compromise situation...one has to completely go along with the other in this case) and are not happy about it even today. They may love one another, but there is resentment, and a sense of loss for one or both...and I would not be surprised if the relationships end anyway.

I can understand her fears. I can say without a doubt, I am in a way scared of having children because it DOES take over all your life. It does not matter how well you try to "minimize" it for one partner (which I willl argue is terribly unfair to the child in the first place and NOT a good way to bring a child into this world) your relationship changes, your life changes, priorities change...everything. I have seen it in every one of my friends. I am a very independent person, whom has a lot of passions I adore and enjoy being able to do things as I want, when I want (with respect to my partner of course) and I am scared of the impact a child would have on that, as well as on my relationship with my partner at times. I also realize it changes your body...but honestly I am so athletic, I know that even if it was changed, I would still be committed to getting it back as best as possible (I know many athletic friends whom you could never tell they had 2 or 3 children by looking at them...so I believe you can do it!).

Despite these fears, of how it will affect relationship, lifestyle, career....I absolutely want them. I come from a family of many children, and I could not imagine life without my family....I see how proud my mother is of all us, and how much she adores us (even if it was not easy for her many times!) and how she is so thankful we are around. I want them, despite my fears.

I have seen over and over my friends fall in love with their children, and I know that is something I too find important.

Even if I could not have them naturally, I would be looking at adoption....if that did not pan out, then I would accept that...but I would not be happy if I felt "forced" to give up the dream of them.

I feel if she has always been hesitant, and even though you discussed the fears, and ways to minimize the risks, and changes...and she still is reluctant.....that this is not something she will change her mind on.

At 35, it is quite probable she has decided she does not want them, and is delaying time as much as possible hoping you drop the subject, or "time runs out" eventually.

I don't know...I think personally this is a dealbreaker situation. I don't think you will be happy giving up that dream, and she won't be having children if she does not really want them. I think that would be unfair to the children anyway.

I think counselling might be good to at least determine if this really is a dealbreaker or not for you.....but I know it won't change either of your minds on it either.

I don't envy your position either, this is a tough place to be.

Firecracker, Schueys and Hope. Thanks for your input.

I have offered to take on all tasks with a baby... take paternal leave if she'd prefer. I'm fully aware of the added responsibilities (well as prepared as I can be). We've just talked today about the possibilities of adoption that way we can have a family without the changes she would go through in a pregnancy.

I understand the risks to either of us compromising... if I decide to stay without a baby will I resent her? If she decides to have a baby will she resent me and the baby? How can either of us know that?

I've told her about my posting here and suggested that she makes one too, so that she can hear perspectives of people who don't know us, and don't have anything invested in our situation, not only on whether to adopt or carry, but whether she even wants a child. She needs to hear from someone other than myself. I don't want her making a decision she'll regret either.

I think we'll be seeing a counselor of some sort as soon as possible, to help us sort through this.

I can't thank you all enough for your opinions, and letting me get all of this off of my chest.

Ray, you've absolutely described my fears to a tee and the situation my wife and I are in. I don't agree that she is just biding her time though, I still believe she is just as torn as I am, just in the opposite way....