I want a baby but my wife doesn't

[ladyblue07]

Personally, I would encourage you not to give up on your dream of having a kid. I personally would never stay in a marriage with someone who wasn't willing to have a child with me, because I know that I would end up regretting never having a child as I got older.

You're lucky in one sense, since men do not have the pressure of the "biological clock" running out in the same clear cut way that women do. If it came down to it you could probably find a younger woman who wanted a family without that much trouble.

Just be aware that your wife *is* at the age where fertility is falling off.

There is some info here on how fertility declines as women age:

link removed

 

Good luck to you two in working this out.

[ctick]

If so, I would like to be in touch with you. I am in the exact situation, or at least very close, and would love to be able to compare notes, and also curious how things have developed since July. Let me know if you read this.

Chris

[jj2520]

If so, I would like to be in touch with you. I am in the exact situation, or at least very close, and would love to be able to compare notes, and also curious how things have developed since July. Let me know if you read this.

Chris

 

Going thru the same thing you are, cept my wife and I planned and saved for children, she would emphasize she wanted 2 of them...then only just recently did she drop the bomb that she didn't want them and cut all ties with the marriage. She never did want them, just never said anything to anyone...including me.

 

We're getting a divorce, not just because of that but mainly because of that fact...being deceived.

[metrogirl]

I was in the same situation with my ex. When we started dating I already had 4 kids from a previous marriage. I didn't want children but I knew that he did want to have kids eventually. We went through many tests to see if I would be a good candidate for a tubal ligation reversal. We were accepted and put on a 2yr waiting list. During that time we mutually decided to give up the idea for various reasons. So we took our names off the list. We were both comfortable with our decisions and then my daughter had a baby at 17. He was extremely close to the baby, he was grandpa. I guess that created some paternal feelings in him and his desire to have his own baby was back. I wasn't budging, I didn't want anymore especially since I had already become a grandmother, although I was still quite young myself. In the end, he left the relationship and I guess I really couldn't blame him. I hold no resentments. He is a wonderful man and would make a great father.

[kuiks8]

My husband and I have other problems on top of this but when we talked about getting married I thought I wanted children...and my husband said he wanted kids by the time he is 30 and now he's 27 and the thought of having children in 3 years scares the * * * * out of me. I don't know if I want kids and I don't want to commit to having kids with someone i am having issues with plus I see how much of a strain kids put on marriages that didn't have problems before...there are just soo many scary things that come with having kids...I didn't deceive him on purpose I just can't say for sure that I want children.

[jj2520]

My husband and I have other problems on top of this but when we talked about getting married I thought I wanted children...and my husband said he wanted kids by the time he is 30 and now he's 27 and the thought of having children in 3 years scares the * * * * out of me. I don't know if I want kids and I don't want to commit to having kids with someone i am having issues with plus I see how much of a strain kids put on marriages that didn't have problems before...there are just soo many scary things that come with having kids...I didn't deceive him on purpose I just can't say for sure that I want children.

 

If you are having doubts about wanting to have children, then I would suggest you talk to your husband about it. My wife didn't. In fact we had to buy a house in a top school district (way more than I wanted to spend), have vehicles that were 4 doors for child seats, and even started putting away money for the child's education...whenever it came into the world.

 

Now, she's backtracking saying that no way does she want children and never did...just went along with it to please everyone else like her parents and me. Plus she has stated that her career comes first and has severed all ties...emotional and physical with the marriage. She denies an affair, and I believe her.

 

If at all possible I would talk to your husband about it, that is IF you are at a conversational point in dealing with your other issues. This might make it worse.

[kuiks8]

We have talked about it. I have been very open with him about my fears regarding having kids. I am sorry that you were deceived. I definitely don't think that is the way to go.

[jj2520]

Thanks. We're going thru counseling, however I don't see this changing. I'd stay in the marriage to try to make it work, but children and a family is non-negotiable with me. Had she communicated what she felt early on, I never would have proposed no matter how much I love/loved my wife.

 

It's good to see that even though there are problems with your marriage, you can still communicate with your husband.

[manichaeism]

I don't know if it will help but I can offer you your wife's perspective. My husband and I have been happily married for 5 years (7 years together), and while I am young (28 yrs old), the idea of pregnancy gets more and more terrifying by the minute. I have gone to counseling because I started having horrible nightmares of being pregnant and panic attacks. I have a variety of fears from physical body changes (not weight gain, but permanent changes, like stretch marks, saggy skin, as right now I am a marathon runner/ dancer/model in great shape) to internal body changes (retinal detachment, which has happened to women in my family, and gall bladder, diabetes, etc).

 

My husband, on the other hand, has always been obsessed with children, and while I am ok with the surrogate or adoption idea, he is not. He can only accept his genetic children(adoption is out) and the ides of the surrogate seems really foreign to him.

 

We both love each other so much and have one of the best marriages around and are always good at compromise. Both of us are willing to sacrifice everything for each other: I will have a child for him, and he will give up on the idea of children for me, but that is not the best solution as resentment will set in for the partner that sacrifices.

 

After counseling, we are still searching for a solution. The best part of counseling was that we had to do real research on all of the 3 possibilities: surrogate, my pregnancy, and adoption. In doing the research as if we were going to go through with that option, some fears were augmented but some alleviated. You can try the research and see if it helps to learn the facts.

 

Also, I have read that educated women are less likely to be interested in bearing children. I have several post-graduate degrees, does your wife? That could explain some of her mentality.

 

If you are ok with adoption, this will be a great compromise for you and your wife, and I pray that someday my husband will come around to the idea of adoption or surrogacy, and we can have a family.

[onceagain2]

I stumbled on this thread after doing a search on "wife doesn't want children".

I have had a very frustrating road. I've always wanted kids.

My wife and I have been married 11 years. It has been a mostly happy one, and we get along well. She's 40, I'm 45. When we got married, she had said she wanted kids also. Through the years, she always made excuses that the timing was not right. She looks young for her age and has exercised, and is in ok health. She has never tried to have kids (by being off the pill), and I have had a hard time not resenting her for it. It has put a strain on our marriage, in our communicating at times, especially now that her sister (35) is pregnant for the first time. I have a hard time not being angry with my wife.

We have been self employed for many years, so not having maternity insurance has been a concern (although have looked to address this via a health savings account). Her Mom was mentally abusive to her when she was growing up, and she told me that she was afraid she would be the same with a child. Also, I think she thinks that she would have more of the burden of, and it would change her lifestyle. For me, I feel like a part of my life is missing. I get along great with kids, and have always been told I'd be a great father. I think that many women today put off having kids for selfish reasons.

We looked into adoption, but it's so expensive. We went through a foster child program, but were basically told that kids of our same race (Caucasian) were not available.

My first marriage of a year ended in divorce after six months of counseling. She was an alcoholic, and stated she didn't want to have kids after telling me initially that she did. That, the alcohol, and her wanting to get another house led to our divorce. Found out years later that she had gotten remarried, had a kid, then got married again.

At this point, don't think that I could find another person to have a child with. Just have to live with it. Can always volunteer to help kids and be involved with them. Beats nothing I guess.

[Hound]

I really feel for you mate. I had a similar situation with my ex. I wanted two kids, we had one and she strung me along for years saying we'd have one later. One day she just turned aorund and she didnt want anymore. I was devastated.

 

Honestly, my advise to you is find someone who wants the same things as you do out of life. Children is such a fundamental for many people who are together. I don't think anyone could blame you for walking away.

[Abadabbadoo]

Wondering how the OP's situation turned out.

 

I went into my marriage expecting to have kids, but increasingly recognized that the father wouldn't be up to the task, that he had idealized, highly unrealistic misconceptions about parenthood. That his stress tolerance wasn't sufficient for even having another adult around, and that his apparent calmness was only superficial.

 

We discussed this, and he refused to do anything about it, said he'd be okay when the time came. He really believed that our baby wouldn't cry when it was teething or had an ear infection! I'd also asked him to make an outline of all the open questions (not that one can plan everything in advance, but there were very basic themes he'd never considered, never mind thinking about how we'd balance the responsibility) and he never even tried, just said that everything would work itself out "once the maternal instincts kicked in." He expected me to make it happen, make it work, and not let any of it disturb him.

 

It took me a long time to figure out that, child or no child, I deserved better than a partner I knew would be a horrible father.

 

When I left, his biggest gripe was that I'd tricked him and then refused to have a child.

 

At least three different friends of mine who were pretty averse to ever having kids agreed to do so once their husbands presented solid, well-thought-out plans that covered the woman's fears, concerns, unanswered questions etc. No, four now. The men are VERY active in the icky grind of childrearing; two of them admit openly they had NO idea going in, and one of them admits he wouldn't have pushed so hard if he'd known.

 

Disagreement on whether or not to have a child is a tough situation. But I highly doubt it's ever as clear-cut as the person clamoring for a child imagines.

[onceagain2]

It seems in many cases that the couples I talk to that have had children, the women don't blame my wife for not wanting to have them and thinks we're too old. Think that men want to have kids (me included) more than women these days.

[onceagain2]

I got a bombshell today after 12 years of marriage. My wife admitted that she had an abortion as a teen after having a bad pregnancy. She attributed that as the reason why she didn't want to get pregnant. We're both in our 40s. Adoption is still a possibility, but it is so expensive.

[redhearts]

Sorry didn't want to read through so many pages, what about adoption? I think someone might have mentioned. But she does not want the lifestyle change. I think its a bit sad she probably was hoping you get over having a kid.

[JCL]

Hi Suidet,

I realize you initially posted awhile ago and I was hoping you could give me an update on your situation. My husband and I are going through the same thing. He desperately wants a child, I do not. I thought I would, but the more I think about it the more I cannot fathom the thought.

 

I have debated adoption but ultimately it comes down to the loss of my freedom, my time, my money, etc. What decision did you and your wife come to? If you did adopt, how is your wife handling life with the baby?

[DN]

JCL - you should consider posting a thread of your own - you might get more advice.

[luminousone]

Hi Suidet,

I realize you initially posted awhile ago and I was hoping you could give me an update on your situation. My husband and I are going through the same thing. He desperately wants a child, I do not. I thought I would, but the more I think about it the more I cannot fathom the thought.

 

I have debated adoption but ultimately it comes down to the loss of my freedom, my time, my money, etc. What decision did you and your wife come to? If you did adopt, how is your wife handling life with the baby?

 

JCL, my husband did not want children. His first marriage broke up because of it. I did want children and we dated for 5 years before getting married. He did not want kids and I did, so I would not marry him unless he changed his mind. So he did.

 

Big mistake! Forward 22 years later -- we have 2 precious boys, and my husband is actually a loving and caring father, but it has taken such a toll on him. And now our marriage is broken up.

 

I must say that the children have made us grow in ways that we never could have imagined. But bringing up children is the hardest job imaginable -- and a rich and rewarding experience as well. But you must really have the committment and heart in order to be the parent that a child deserves.

[gsxr104]

Hang in there. I pray for the both of you.