I want a baby but my wife doesn't

[Miss Firecracker]

I'm fully aware of the added responsibilities (well as prepared as I can be).

 

I don't think anyone is fully aware of the resonsibilities of raising a child until they have. It's harder than you can imagine, Suidet. And you two would be around 60 years old by the time the child would be fully independent.

 

I know you are hurting, but I do want you to know there are some people who completely understand your wife's point of view.

 

Hang around these forums and see the misery some people get themselves into. It sounds to me as if you have a wonderful life. Just want you to know that.

 

Good luck, Suidet!

[Suidet]

Firecracker, I completely understand what my wife is going through... it's not just been hard on me, but for her also.

 

And you're absolutely right, I have a great life and a wonderful wife. I've been thinking not only about now though, but what would come in our future.

 

She's just read over this thread, and we've talked further. She says she's willing to have a child, the main issue for her has been carrying. She told me that she strongly believes that if I was the one who had to carry we'd have two by now. She's told me just now that she's 100% okay with having a child, just not the carrying, so I guess we'll be looking into adoption.

 

I know that there are many people out there who are in more misery than myself, but the thoughts of losing the future with my wife was terrible for me.

 

Thank you all again for your advice, and thoughts. I'll definitely hang around and try to return the support you've all given me and my wife.

[Miss Firecracker]

I know that there are many people out there who are in more misery than myself, but the thoughts of losing the future with my wife was terrible for me.

 

I was thinking about that loss. That is what I meant. You sound happier in your marriage than about 99% of people. I think the odds of you finding this again are slim to none.

[Suidet]

I agree with you about finding the same again. I was afraid about the possibility of beginning to resent such a great relationship in the end though. Thank God we have come to a compromise. I don't know what I would have done.

[DN]

What are her fears about carrying the baby? Are they based on rational thought or emotional reaction. I don't mean that in anyway insultingly but sometimes we can rationalise emotions (fear maybe) to cover what is the real issue.

 

It cannot be the lifestyle changes because that will be same after birth as after adoption. Is it fear regarding the discomfort and pain of pregnancy and birth or the possibility of something going wrong for either her or the baby?

 

Fear is a natural human emotion and reaction. But very often that fear can be dealt with - maybe not eradicated but certainly lessened.

[Suidet]

Her fears are the changes to her body... not that it really matters. The fact that she is afraid is enough.

 

We've decided on adoption for now, but she still says that she may yet decide that it's okay for her to carry. I'm content either way that we've dealt with it. I'd rather have a baby that we make together, but I can easily live with the compromise we've reached.

[ElektraHere]

Her fears are the changes to her body... not that it really matters. The fact that she is afraid is enough.

 

We've decided on adoption for now, but she still says that she may yet decide that it's okay for her to carry. I'm content either way that we've dealt with it. I'd rather have a baby that we make together, but I can easily live with the compromise we've reached.

 

WOW! All this fixed in one night??? I still would consider a trip to the counselor and perhaps still hold off on the house. This isn't just a little conflict like "I want to see this movie and she doesn't." This was a MAJOR conflict on whether or not kids would be in the future. Do you think perhaps your wife might be placating you just to get you to stop with the baby talk?

[Miss Firecracker]

I'm glad to hear things may work out for you guys.

[RayKay]

What are her fears about the changes to her body? Is it pain? Fatigue? Stretch marks? Weight?

 

I wonder, does she have a history of eating disorders or body image issues that may affect this ( I just suggest this as I know when I had an ED, the last thing I would of wanted to be was pregnant as it would affect my body image even more), or is this as DN suggested, maybe a way for her to put her fears on SOMETHING tangible, even if not the real reason?

 

As I said before, sure pregnancy changes your body, but as I said, I have many friends whom you would never know they had children looking at them. Granted, I tend to have a few very athletic friends so this is probably the reasons, but while I am a bit worried about the impact pregnancy will have on my athletic endeavours during pregnancy, I am certainly less fearful about being able to be in great shape again after. Heck, there is a extremely well known, very competitive marathon runner who has 6 kids and looks better and is in far better shape than most 18 year olds! Some of the hottest women I know are moms to be honest!

 

A couple of my close friends, as well as some of the long time members here are pregnant and often discuss the changes they are feeling in their body, I am sure it can be very frustrating at times to feel tired and sometimes out of control of your body, and all the other side effects, but they also say it is quite wonderful knowing you are growing a child inside you too.

 

Changes to your body happen regardless of children, and one can only make a choice as to whether to put the effort into maintain a healthy body or not, children or not.

 

I would agree with Elektra this is not something that just seems to be able to be resolved quite that suddenly. Adoption in itself is not an easy process, and is certainly extremely stressful on couples in itself and too, something that takes a lot of preparation and time. On the plus side, I do think they tend to screen you fairly well, so maybe issues that need to be discussed might come out during that process.

 

I just think this is something that really does need to be further explored and discussed, because something still does seem a bit off here, when it seemed she was so unsure about having them for so many years, and now suddenly when she realizes you may leave, that has changed. Of course I don't know either of you, but I just find that a very sudden change....and I have to say I don't know many people whom REALLY want children whom would say "no way" because of the changes to their body. Though, I do know plenty of people whom don't want them whom will cite that as ONE of the reasons.

[Suidet]

Well it hasn't been just one night. For me it's been a week, but for my wife it's been 4 years. She's had a lot of time to think of this. Before today she thought I wouldn't want to adopt and I'd leave if we couldn't have our own. To be honest I'd love to have a child that is ours by blood, but I can be happy with an adoption instead.

 

Her main concern has been the carrying and she's told me today that she'd be okay with adoption.

 

No concern about eating disorders and whatnot. In terms of the fears of what will happen with her body during a pregnancy, she's basing them on what had happened with others in her family that have had children. Genetics does play a big role. In regards to the sudden change, we've never broached the subject of adoption before today, and she thought that I'd only be willing to have a child naturally.

 

Believe me when I say that this hasn't been a sudden decision. Yes it has come to a climax, but this has been on our minds for years. I'm very confident that she isn't misleading me... I've always had doubts about what she's said in the past. For once I'm 100% confident that she's being honest with me now. I know her very well, and I'm sure of her intentions.

 

Thank you all for your concern though.

[CarnelianButterfly]

Thats a smoke screen. Im 34 going on 35 next week. I can't wait to have kids. Plus many MANY women are having children later in life due to careers. This Im sorry to say is an excuse. I know you love her but this is just like when a man has a million and one excuses not to get married right away. The real reason...he doesnt want too and he doesn't want to have to compromise his lifestyle. Women just use that excuse of health safety the same way. As for waiting, you may be waiting a looooong time. Then menopause and ooops times up.

Women may be having children later, but the consequences are not good. They can have babies, but should they have babies?

 

• At 35 the rate of miscarriage increases dramatically and at 40 its up to 40%.
  
• Women over 35 are twice as likely to have blood pressure problems or develop gestational diabetes. Other not pregnancy related health issues can also become complicated more so than if the mother were younger.
  
• There is significant effect to the child too. At age 25, a pregnant woman has a 1 in 1,250 chance of delivering a Down syndrome baby; at age 30, it's 1 in 952; at age 35, 1 in 385; and at age 40, 1 in 106.

It is not a smoke screen, its a woman thinking about what it really means to be at the end of her time to bear children and making a choice based on what could happen versus just wanting a child.

[ElektraHere]

Women may be having children later, but the consequences are not good. They can have babies, but should they have babies?

• At 35 the rate of miscarriage increases dramatically and at 40 its up to 40%.
  
• Women over 35 are twice as likely to have blood pressure problems or develop gestational diabetes. Other not pregnancy related health issues can also become complicated more so than if the mother were younger.
  
• There is significant effect to the child too. At age 25, a pregnant woman has a 1 in 1,250 chance of delivering a Down syndrome baby; at age 30, it's 1 in 952; at age 35, 1 in 385; and at age 40, 1 in 106.

It is not a smoke screen, its a woman thinking about what it really means to be at the end of her time to bear children and making a choice based on what could happen versus just wanting a child.

 

I will agree to disagree with you CB. My mother, her mother, and her mother all had children late in life. We have NO Downs babies, no miscarriages, or gestatinal diabetes in my family. This isn't to say it doesn't happen. I know it CAN. I am going to be 35 tomorrow and can't imagine my life without having a child. It may not happen tomorrow but it will happen. I think this just comes down to if you really want to pro-create or not.

[CarnelianButterfly]

I happen to think that procreation for the sake of procreation is unwise. It is not a good choice when the cards are stacked against her. There are plenty of children in this world already, they have no home, no family, nothing, but people look down their nose at them because they are genetically not theirs. If people want a child so badly, take care of one that really needs it and not run the risk of hurting the woman and the baby.

[ElektraHere]

Not all people have health problems. If i can't have a child the natural way then yes adoption would be next. I even thought of adopting regardless. I know there are many children out there who just want a loving place to call home. I love children and cant wait to be a mom someday.

[DN]

Please keep this thread on topic.

[Miss Firecracker]

Her main concern has been the carrying and she's told me today that she'd be okay with adoption.

 

What a beautiful thing to do.

[russ978]

I don't know what to do. How can I leave her for a baby that doesn't even exist? I fully understand what she's feeling, but I've wanted to have a child since as long as I can remember, and it was always what I saw for us in the future... is it possible that I repress that desire? But, how can I leave behind my dreams of spending the rest of my life with her?

 

Suidet,

I guess it depends on how strongly you want to have a child. You mentioned in a later posting that you both agreed on adoption. How quickly did she change her mind? Is adoption something you are both interested in pursuing? Have you made an appointment to go to an adoption agency to at least see what your options are?

 

I really hope that this isn't just something that she said that she would do and later regresses upon.

 

Personally, I have a desire to have children that would supercede a relationship. If my future spouse and I were unable to have children, I would want to pursue every alternative avaliable to us (including adoption) in order to raise a child. You and your spouse aren't being faced with the inability to have a child but her desire NOT to have a child. I would strongly recommend seeing a couple's therapist in order to get the issues out on the table in a conflict-free environment. Does she know how strongly you want to have a child? Does she realize that this issue could result in the end of your marriage?

 

I had a friend who found out ~2 years into her relationship that her partner had had a vasectomy. He had made the conscious decision not to be able to have any children in the future. Even though she loved him, she ended up leaving him. It is is a truly unfornuate situation that you are in and I hope that you and your spouse are able to reach an agreement upon. I hope everything works out in your favor.

 

Good luck!

[Suidet]

Have you made an appointment to go to an adoption agency to at least see what your options are?

 

You and your spouse aren't being faced with the inability to have a child but her desire NOT to have a child.

 

Does she know how strongly you want to have a child? Does she realize that this issue could result in the end of your marriage?

 

Good luck!

 

 

Hi Russ,

 

Let me answer your questions in order. Not yet on the appointment at an Agency. It was Canada day yesterday so everything's shut down today too. I'll be looking into it this coming week though.

 

From what she's told me it's not her desire not to have a child, but her fear of carrying, or maybe her desire not to carry. She's great with children and has a niece that she's great with. I think she'd make a great mother.

 

Yes and Yes to your last questions.

 

Thanks for the good wishes.

[Hope75]

Suidet,

 

Does she have specific fears about carrying?

 

Perhaps a visit to her OB/Gyn would help allay those fears?

 

I believe DN asked if there was something specific she feared, and perhaps a little education on the subject would help.

[SexySadie7]

Electra, you wrote this: "I will agree to disagree with you CB. My mother, her mother, and her mother all had children late in life. We have NO Downs babies, no miscarriages, or gestatinal diabetes in my family. This isn't to say it doesn't happen. I know it CAN. I am going to be 35 tomorrow and can't imagine my life without having a child. It may not happen tomorrow but it will happen. I think this just comes down to if you really want to pro-create or not.

May I ask how old they were when they gave birth? My best friend's mum had her at age 40. No problems whatosover and she's smart as a whip. I also have another friend whose mum had him at age 47!

I think there's alot of people out there who WANT you to fear pregnancy, especially at a later age. I hear though, there's lots of women in other countries who DO have children well into their 40s.

[Suidet]

Well I'm happy to hear about that We've looked into adoption, but it's crazy expensive! My wife's said now that she didn't think she was really considering it up til now, so she's coming to terms with the thought of having one. She has asked for another year before we try.... hopefully she won't change her mind. I can wait another year anyway

[Hope75]

Suidet,

 

Perhaps in that year you can educate yourselves about the process of pregnancy and child birth, and bring any concerns to her gyn about it so she can be fully informed of her options when it comes time to give birth and have a birth plan that helps her to feel in control.

 

Hope this helps!

[drider_dave]

I'm in a similar situation as Suidet. I also want a child and my girlfriend does not, but the twist is that we both already have kids.

 

We've been together for 3 years and have been single parents for over six, with three great kids between us and no children together. From the outset I knew that there was only a small chance she would want another child. I accepted it and was was very fine with that. I love her and she was worth keeping!

 

Then recently she began talking again about having another child. The whole biological clock thing (she's 31). I was excited of course, until a week later when she changed her mind. For some reason I'm not able to accept it quite so easily this time.

 

Her main reasoning is that she doesn't want the responsibility of another child at her age - our youngest daughters are 10 - and she almost has her freedom back. I can certainly understand her point of view, but it doesn't do anything to lessen the desire for me.

 

Like Suidet, I am torn between the thought of losing an otherwise amazing woman or giving up on a[nother] child. My dilemma is that I also feel guilty for wanting another one, when we have three already. More accurately, I feel a bit selfish. A some friends say, should I just "be happy with what I already have"?

[law1204]

My husband and I are currently physically separated. We are not speaking.

 

We have had a nightmare vortex of problems, but every single one of them (except our lousy sex life) stemmed from the fact that I do not want children and he does.

 

I told myself that he would start to resent me someday if I didn't give him children, but then I realized that the someday had already come.

 

Good luck all

[choccocat]

Your wife may have been subject to 'gory details' syndrome. Some women just cannot help but tell all the gory details dressed up to the hilt of their pregnancy and labour. I don't get it but it is like you get a room full of (some) women and they just lay it on thick and fast. And the trouble is it all becomes 'truth' because at this time it does feature pain, aches, blood, sick so the imagination does the rest, but you have to remember all the other bits that go with it like love, comfort, nurturing, but also don't forget money, headaches, teenagers etc...

 

If you are waiting a year get some really good factual information about pregnancy and labour. She may benefit from some really good relaxation techniques. And maybe get her fears out into the open to a good midwife who can explain some real stuff to you both.

 

Good luck you guys. Hope it works out for you both either which way.