"I'm confused, i need to find myself!" BS or some truth behind it?

Hi All,

I've noticed a recurring theme that people are breaking up over.

After a long term relationship, one person feels that they are confused and doesn't know what they want. This is particularly evident among younger couples and first loves i have noticed.

My questions to all of you are:

1) Is it a total crock of ....? If they really loved you then would they stay with you and figure themselves out whilst with you?

2) Does this concept of 'trying to find one's self' have any substance? Especially in the situation where both are young (say around early 20's) and haven't been with any other relationships.

3) Has anyone ever embarked on this mission (ie broken up with someone else to 'find themselves' and actually found themselves? OR instead found out that they didn't really need to 'find themselves' and were just over the relationship but didn't want to face facts so they dilluded themselves with this concept of 'finding one's self'.

I'm interested to hear responses from all types of people, i find this to be interesting....

Hey there,

To answer all three of your questions, in my STRICTLY PERSONAL belief, those reasons are cop-out reasons or excuses. To me, it is saying "I do not want to be in a relationship with YOU anymore..." and just do not have the guts to say it.

I have never used those reasons to break up with someone.

I don't know - part of me feels like kellbell, but then again, their "I need to find myself" may be genuine. However, even if that is the case, given the choice between "finding themselves and seeing what is behind door #2" vs. staying with their partner, the fact that they chose door #2 says something big.

Hey J-

Good post. Here's my take...

First of all, each situation is different. I am sure there are examples where this line is complete BS and other times when the "dumper" really feels this way, especially (as you say), when the person is young, in a serious relationship looking to get more so, and has lived a relatively sheltered life both in and out of relationships. I can see how a person would feel trapped in such a situation and genuinely both believe themselves and actually need to "find themselves".

I also think there is truth to this statement but it is often misused and/or misinterpreted. It is natural for the "dumpee" to over-credit the "dumper's" togetherness. The fact I've seen is a lot of times, the dumper is more lost than we think, more clueless than we can imagine. They genuinely might not know exactly why they are breaking up with you and this might be the best answer they have. They might not really know how much they actually have to go find themselves! They might think it's a BS line, but in a reality they don't have the capability to see, they very much need to find themselves.

I believe it is possible to "find oneself" in a relationship and also believe they need to be single, date more people, gain more experience, feel the freedom, etc. to find themselves. It really depends on the person and the situation, but I would venture to say each of us, regardless of relationship status, to some degree, "finds ourselves" more or less each day.

Do you care to share with us the reason you are asking such a question and relate it to a specific experience?

But to answer your numbered questions in summary:

1) It may or may not be a total crock of BS depending on the circumstances and the person, and as I said above, on the surface it may be construed as BS, but there may be a lot of validity to it the person doesn't see.

2) Yes I believe it has substance and in many senses we all continue to "find ourselves" more or less every day that passes. Again, it depends.

3) No, I've never said this to anyone I've dated.

Does this concept of 'trying to find one's self' have any substance?

I agree with Frisco. Sometimes it is a cop out or something to hide behind because the truth is to hard to say or may be too hurtful.

But I think a lot of people do "lose their identity" when they are in a relationship and they become "Ted and Alice" instead of "Ted" and "Alice" and I think, particularly when you are young, you need to work out who you are in the world and sometimes the only way to do that is alone.

Geeze, what quick replies. And interesting ones at that.

Frisco, how very perceptive of you to suspect that i'm posting this thread as it directly affects me. lol. i have already posted my story here and if you're keen to know why i ask the questions i have been asking, you can read "life didn't prepare me for this". Actually, it would be interesting to find out your thoughts on my situation based on what you've said here.

So far i guess, the reasons behind breaking up DO NOT change the bottom line. It is however interesting to analyse these interesting creatures called humans.... Maybe i should have been a psychologist, now that would be interesting.....

booyah melrich. being the "dumped" and knowing what I know now, I think, in my personal opinion, that you are right on the money. My ex and I did lose each other in the mix of things, and sometimes the only way to find yourself is to be apart, no matter how much you love each other. painful yes, but now I know how NOT to lose myself again. But not knowing why the break-up occurs is a crock of BS, big time. The first three months after breaking up were absolute hell for me because I had no idea of why it didn't work out. we got along great, spent time together....blah blah blah. I still don't know why, and I can say that letting someone go like that is horrible. I would have rather been crucified.

actually, if you look at the reasons why people SAY they are dumping someone, vs. the real reasons they confess to other people, a pattern appears.

nobody wants to be the bad guy, nor have all the heavy emotional drama from the blunt truth: the dumper sees someone else they'd rather date, they're bored, or sick of the same old arguments, or the thrill is gone.

so they focus on trying to soften the blow, which frequently is NOT the kindest way to go. pretending to be confused just gives the dumpee hope that maybe the dumper will get unconfused and get back with them.

i've heard that lots of people don't even show in marriage counseling until one party has already made up their mind to leave, but is bringing the spouse to the counselor to turn them over to them (as in, here, you deal with it), to appease their own guilt.

so i wonder if the dumpee even gets the real reason for the breakup more than a small percentage of the time.

but regardless of the excuse given, people who are happy with a relationship don't walk away to find themselves, they want to take the person they are happy with with them on new adventures. so the second one hears those 'find themselves' excuses, it's past time to hit the road.

I think in each situation it depends on the dumper.

My ex said "I need my space". Well, what she really meant was.. "I need space to see OTHER guys". Stupid * * * * *.

I see this happen over and over again on these forums, not just happening to me. I wish the dumper would just tell the dumpee the truth from the start. I'm sick of hearing these BS cop out lines from the dumper.

so the second one hears those 'find themselves' excuses, it's past time to hit the road.

oh, I couldn't agree more!

I call BS. I think that most of the time, that is just an excuse someone says to try to "soften the blow."

i think that whether legitimate or not the "need space" etc. sort of line still translates to the fact that the dumper has decided to quit the relationship. this may be because they are losing identity or feel like they are missing out on life or a million other reasons (eg. want someone else) . either way the thoughts must also be accompanied by some loss of feelings otherwise the love would rule, right?

from my own past experience once that line enters the relationship it always resulted permanent break up. i have reconciled several times but eventually things just could not work out, i think primarily because the new relationship could not carry the trauma of the initial break.

at the moment i am in this situation as the dumpee. have i learned from past experience? no, far too foolish for that! still thinking that we will reconcile because this love was the real thing. i have read several inspiring stories of this here. it is hard, it sucks and when i use my mind i am aware that it will probably not work out. but at least today, i still carry some hope

Hey rokston!

I am with you all the way on that. I have a few years on you and I never seem to learn!!

Take it easy.

Mark

Sometimes it is legit. But the dumpee may never know if it is or not, only the dumper truly knows. Sometimes a person realizes that hey i love him/her, but we keep having the same argument over and over so maybe we need to take a step back.

And losing yourself and your independence is a huge part of it, adn like others have said, this happens mroe for relationship novices vs people used to being in LTRs.

hey Mark, i guess it wouldn't be fun if we learn quickly.. but it sure would make things simpler?!

so if novices do this more often and possibly have more reason to feel legit with it, does this imply that for people used to LTRs it is more often than not BS?

These lines are a coward's way of breaking up with someone.

ok, seems there is a general consensus, that it's basically a cop out. That the dumper really wants out of the relationship as the MAIN reason, and that 'finding one's self' is a secondary and insignificant reason to the outcome of the relationship.

However i am still interested to hear some replies from the dumper perspective. What were you thinking? What was the PRIMARY reason for ending it? Did you in fact 'find' yourself?

Wouldn't it be interesting to find out what's going through their minds....

Also off the topic, but i read somewhere that women end relationships 80% of the time!...isn't that interesting....anyways, carry on....

ok, seems there is a general consensus, that it's basically a cop out. That the dumper really wants out of the relationship as the MAIN reason, and that 'finding one's self' is a secondary and insignificant reason to the outcome of the relationship.

However i am still interested to hear some replies from the dumper perspective. What were you thinking? What was the PRIMARY reason for ending it? Did you in fact 'find' yourself?

Wouldn't it be interesting to find out what's going through their minds....

Also off the topic, but i read somewhere that women end relationships 80% of the time!...isn't that interesting....anyways, carry on....

I wouldn't say that this thread has come to a consensus - I think that melrich and frisco brought up some good points with sometimes people ARE genuinely confused or need to discover their identity apart from "ted and alice" (especially if they have been dating since they were young).

And no, I have never broken up with a man with the excuse of wanting to "find myself." I'm sure that I've told a guy who asked me for a first date, and I turned him down saying that "I'm not looking for a relationship right now" or "I'm really busy these days." Mainly because I didn't want to tell him to his face, "You're not my type." Wanted to soften the blow.

I don't know where you found that statistic, that 80% of women do the breaking up. However, I can say that many times that I have broken up with a guy is when he has been too chicken poop to break up with me! so instead he just starts ignoring me and acting passive aggressive, and then I try to make things work, but they don't, so I just break up.

Hey there,

Sure, I believe SOME people are genuinely confused and whatnot but I truly feel that if the person WANTED to be with the other, he/she would want his/her partner to be part of that self-discovery. For example, if I was confused with my identity and life all together, I would WANT my boyfriend to part of my journey and help me through my darkest hours, not be alone and myself. Make sense?

I still stand by my assessment that more times than not, it is a cop out.

And the 80% of women ending relationship...not sure I agree with that. I think women are generally prone to disclose information more readily than men but I think it is close to even. I have seen men and women use lame excuses and so forth. Stick around these boards (I have here nearly 2 years) and see both genders do it.

My honest opinion is that if the relationship seemed to be going well, and neither had known issues, and all of a sudden someone "needs space to find themselves", then yeah it is probably b.s. Not all the time, but a lot of the time.

If someone says I need space or a break because the two of you have been going in circles fighting over the same things and hurting each other, or having more bad times then good, then i doubt it is b.s. This person just knows something has gotta give.

If someone ever wanted "space" from me to just find themselves and it was not due to serious relationship issues, then they would get permanent space. I doubt I'd take them back. The day they asked for it would be the day I move on. That is just how I am and what i would do.

i think that there is also a point that sometimes people in LTRs get confused with the relationship and consequently or as a byproduct life/themselves etc. they can try to work things out while remaining with their partner but it may just drag things on without resolution. in this case, it seems that getting distance is the only way to have clarity one way or another.... and usually it is the another.

hey Mark, i guess it wouldn't be fun if we learn quickly.. but it sure would make things simpler?!

 

so if novices do this more often and possibly have more reason to feel legit with it, does this imply that for people used to LTRs it is more often than not BS?

Hey rokston! Whether novices or veterans I don't think it makes any difference - it is my experience it is all BS. In fact it is not just my experience - having a good look around this site at the many many times I have seen "don't know what I want" "we need a break" "it's me and not you" "I need some space" and then read the thread to conclusion, the vast majority have ended in a break up. Statistics don't lie - people do!

Take it easy.

Mark