Oh god, this is the best forum Iíve ever seen in my life, and believe me Iíve read lot of sexual and QA forums, I signed in just to be able to post, but so far this is the first one I see with actual people like me, that thinks just like me and fears just like me. Iím afraid I can never say this aloud and never before had the courage to write it down either. My terms might (really possible) be outdated, out casted, offensive or even naÔve, English is not my primary language so please mind me. This could be a long post, donít feel obligated to read it; Iím sure Iíll be fine just by posting it.
My story might be more common than what I think, but since I was a kid Iíve been heavily exposed to sex in many ways, at nearly 5 year old I was already playing with my best friend to touch his penis and even once tried to kiss it, I donít know where all that came from at the time, but since then until I was 10 or so years old I had a couple older (not much teenager at most, all males) neighbors I played with in a way a male (or female for that matter) shouldnít be playing. After that you might think that I was abused (I know all that stuff about that it doesnít matter if I was not force, that I didnít know better etc etc) but I donít feel that way. I jumped from that to see my own parents having sex through a hole in a wall, and I thought that was sexy, got into porn at 12 years old, yes I know, you must be thinking Iím just f***** up by all that stuff, but by the time I got to college I was tired of porn (but never get to quit it, thatís another whole issue), tired of the regular ďHi, my name is <make up the sexiest-dummest-name ever>, letís f***!Ē of the regular porn movies and I was still a virginÖ god so much theory unapplied, I thought I knew so much about sex and never got the chance to actually do itÖ but I was a good kid, never had a girlfriend even when I wasnít bad looking or ďstupidĒ, just really shy. My early sex explorations leave me with a size complex, everybody was bigger than me so what can you expect? So I was shy and had low self esteem. Got to know actual sex at 19 years old, great, funny but not really fulfilling. My ex-girlfriend still claims that I taught her how to have an orgasm (she had like 6 or so sex partners before me and never had an orgasm) but I got one just once in a while. Same happened with my next girlfriend but this one I loved so much that I married her. I thought for a long time that I was gay, maybe bisexual but with time as well Iíve come to the conclusion that I donít really like men (masculinity), that I canít be in love with one, but still by seeing porn I realized that there was some sort of attraction to the penis of other men.
I once read that men are in love of penises, they love their own penis and identify themselves with the penis of other men, just like in porn, when you are as interested in seeing penetration than naked bodies, this made sense and open a new way to see sexuality to me, that article may be wrong but it made sense to me, changed me.
As LivingStone83 said, I love women, I just canít think of being in love with someone not feminine and as delicate, soft, charming, elegant and surreal (as ethereal) as a woman. But, this is the thing and Iíll be as generic as possible, I like how a man can look as beautiful as a woman that I just forget is a man, as well as something as exciting as seen a penis in the sexy body of a woman. I donít know if Iíd be willing to be penetrated but Iíve found that playing with my anus is exiting, I donít know if Iíd be able to do a fellatio or even touch it but Iím sure that in the heat of the moment Iíd be good game , I can identify with the idea of having a penis and filling pleasure, and I sure know how to handle one. If a guy thinks heís a woman trapped on a manís body, well, he might as well be a woman and thatís it, having a penis shouldnít have to be a reason not to be happy about who you are (dammit! there are theories on how much the women envy men for having one). Real beauty is something hard to come by and some of these ďwomenĒ are real stunning beauties and they feel they are as real as the genetic ones, so why bother!
I feel better already, Iím sure Iíll never get to be with one as I love my wife dearly and sheíll die of shock just to hear about it, I donít feel like cheating and I would never do it behind her back. Iím almost 30 now and I donít have kids, but if I ever do I donít want them to live a life where being confuse is normal and not expressing what you feel is the right thing to do in order to not hurt the ones you love.
I left a lot out, if I write all I think about this I would need a blog (with many subjects on it) not a post, Iíd like to talk (write) to other people and see what they like, their stories, I might never have one of my own but Iím sure Iíll enjoy hearing from others like me. Thatís it, thanks.