Signs of a guy having fear of rejection

What are some of the signs that show a guy has such a fear of rejection he won't ask out a girl he likes? How would he behave around the girl he likes but just doesn't have the guts to move it forward?

I don't think it is possible to tell and in most cases the fear of rejection takes second place to the motivation to ask the woman out, if the man is sincerely interested. I found it more comfortable for me to assume that the man just wasn't that into me then to assume he was afraid to ask me out, particularly where it was likely that I would find out later if he was dating someone else.

That is Batya's opinion, with all due respect. However, there are hundreds, if not thousands of threads here that show otherwise.

Many times a man is attracted, but shy, and doesn't move forward. Often, the more attracted to the woman he is, the more shy he behaves.

That's not just my opinion. There's hundreds or thousands of threads that back that up.

Batya means well, but her answer is not an indication of the reality, but rather of her personal impatience with shy men. She just doesn't have the patience to deal with them. Simple as that.

However, a guy can be very intereted and shy or afraid to proceed at the same time. That's a fact as shown by overwhelming evidence in my personal life, and also in many threads here at E.

The real question is does the OP have the patience and motivation to try to work things out with a shy guy. If she does, then it could work.

A shy person is much like a shy cat. It wants to be petted, but is afraid. Gentle, yet persistent coaxing can overcome that over time, as anyone who knows cats knows. It may sound like I'm over simplifying by comparing shy people to shy cats, but I'm not. It's a very similar thing.

There is being shy, and then there is being unsure.

Awkward moments after getting rejected are a serious ego-killer.

You end up going on forums and talking to friends thinkin that no girl likes ya

But if you like him, flirt with him a bit. Use key terms such as cute, sexy, strong, and smile at him as often as possible. Find excuses to touch him once in a while, like feel his clothes or touch his hand.

Eventually, he will get the idea and try to move forward, unless he is either REALLY shy, or in your worst case, not interested.

I just play it off when girls im not interested try this stuff on me.

Shy guys usually also have low confidence and will usually doubt thata girl could really like them. Charley's analogy with a cat is quite corrrect. Shy guys will warm up to a girl if the girl takes the time to convince him that she really likes him.

No, Charley - nothing to do with patience. In my experience, extremely shy men - when they were really interested in me or in someone I knew, got up the courage to ask the woman out at least for an informal get together. My boyfriend was one of those shy people, once upon a time, many years ago (the first time we dated - and then reconnected 8 years later).

It's not about patience - in general, I wouldn't want to date a man who was so shy that he couldn't even ask me out for coffee - I am always warm, friendly and approachable when I am interested so the rejection risk is very low. I would wonder about his level of interest and wonder if that fear of rejection was present in other areas of his life such that it significantly hampered him from having friends, from being successful at his job, etc.

I would not have the patience to be in a serious relationship with a man who could not handle social situations well and who did not have a reasonably confident presense with me and in social situations/professional situations.

Most of the time, what I see women refer to as "shy" is simply a man who like all of us gets scared of rejection (I have asked men out, I know that fear well) - and he balances his fear against his level of interest.

So, I hope that makes that clear, Charley, so that you don't misinterpret my difference of opinion as a lack of "patience" with shy men.

Even if someone is painfully shy he will find a way to ask the girl out if he really likes her... Obviously if you know he's shy you can't play hard to get... You have to make it easy for him to ask you out (make it obvious you like him, even if that is uncool or unsophisticated.)

I think the shy guy's attraction to you has to eclipse his shyness and then and only then will he muster the courage to ask you out... Speaking from my own experience (although I am a girl.) I can be shy if I like someone, I have only liked one guy enough to put my shyness BS aside and ask him out (I had to ask him out because he was even shyer than me.)

...

Though you have to consider if a man is so shy that he can't ask out a girl who has made it clear she's interested in going out with him it is likely he is not "emotionally available" or able to handle any type of relationship in the first place.

I would not have the patience to be in a serious relationship with a man who could not handle social situations well and who did not have a reasonably confident presense with me and in social situations/professional situations.

I hope all women arent like this, if they are, im SCREWED!

I hope all women arent like this, if they are, im SCREWED!

No- I think different women have different preferences for a relationship. Some are like me, some are not social like me, so it doesn't matter either way to them. Some are not like me and want someone who is into sports, or very tall, or into some hobby that they have, etc.

I don't think there's anything wrong with being highly uncomfortable and awkward in social situations- I meet people like that all the time - they probably wouldn't be a good match for me in a serious relationship,that's all.

I don't think it is possible to tell and in most cases the fear of rejection takes second place to the motivation to ask the woman out, if the man is sincerely interested. I found it more comfortable for me to assume that the man just wasn't that into me then to assume he was afraid to ask me out, .

This is assuming that the guy is not shy ! If the guy is shy then he will have insecurity issues about asking the girl out. If she just assumes he is not interested then something beatifull could be lost.

If a girl pays him attentions and lets him know she likes him, gentle touching he will get the idea, once is is convinced that he will not be rejected he will make the move.

But hell, you have to remember we still live in the eighteen hundreds with victorian values !!!!! Not.... Just ask the guy out !

This is assuming that the guy is not shy ! If the guy is shy then he will have insecurity issues about asking the girl out. If she just assumes he is not interested then something beatifull could be lost.

 

If a girl pays him attentions and lets him know she likes him, gentle touching he will get the idea, once is is convinced that he will not be rejected he will make the move.

 

But hell, you have to remember we still live in the eighteen hundreds with victorian values !!!!! Not.... Just ask the guy out !

I think my opinion counts for the vast majority of shy men too. As far as women asking men out, it's simply not effective in the majority of cases if the woman wants a serious and happy long term relationship. Most men are flattered by being asked out, many will accept the date, and most of those men and most men end up in a serious relationship with a woman they asked out in the beginning. I know of no happy, long term relationships where the woman did most of the asking, planning and initiating in the beginning stages. I think I know of one or two, maybe, where the woman technically asked for the first date, but even that is rare.

I do know of many women who wanted a serious relationship, did most of the asking, planning and initiating and ended up with a series of one night stands, flings, and end up believing men are "jerks" because they respond at first from flattery but aren't really that into the woman in the first place (or they would have asked her out of course).

I have been asked out by shy men, insecure men, etc - if they are really interested and available, they ask. I had feelings of shyness of course the times that I asked men out (which resulted in a few one date wonders, one really fun and completely harmless (innocent) "fling" while on vacation, and a few rejections). I would continue to ask men out if I saw that it was an effective way to find a serious relationship. From my 20 years of dating experience and knowing hundreds of men and women 20s to 40s over the years, and the reading I have done, men in general want to do most of the pursuing in the beginning - even if they are insecure or shy - and in general do not sustain interest in the woman who takes on that role.

Should it change - perhaps - but to advise someone today on how to approach dating by advising the woman to do most of the asking/planning/initiating in the beginning is a recipe for failure unless she has some kind of "mission" to change the way things generally work.

Batya - you and i have had this argument in a previous thread, and while i'm not saying you're wrong, i'd say you're being way too general. i refuse to believe that if a guy likes a girl, he will definitely ask her out. he may be shy, fear rejection, not "believe" the girl in question could like him, whatever. not EVERY guy asks out a girl when he likes her. girls definitely don't, when girls like guys its less common for them to ask the guy out if they are scared of rejection. guys are people too. yes i understand SOME guys like being the dominant one and stuff like that but that doesn't mean its the same for every guy and it especially doesn't mean that a relationship cannot work out if it was originially initiated by the girl. i refuse to believe that.

Batya - you and i have had this argument in a previous thread, and while i'm not saying you're wrong, i'd say you're being way too general. i refuse to believe that if a guy likes a girl, he will definitely ask her out. he may be shy, fear rejection, not "believe" the girl in question could like him, whatever. not EVERY guy asks out a girl when he likes her. girls definitely don't, when girls like guys its less common for them to ask the guy out if they are scared of rejection. guys are people too. yes i understand SOME guys like being the dominant one and stuff like that but that doesn't mean its the same for every guy and it especially doesn't mean that a relationship cannot work out if it was originially initiated by the girl. i refuse to believe that.

I never said never, first of all. And, do you know of any serious long term relationships or marriages which started with the woman doing most of the asking, planning and initiating in the first few months of dating. I bet not. Pretty good evidence that it's not effective. Of course people have fears and insecurities - I did too when I asked men out and in the situation of relationships in general. But, a person who is sincerely interested will most of the time - with few exceptions- overcome that fear in order to ask the woman out. The woman also has to overcome her fears of getting attached and be able to say yes - and typically if she is sincerely interested, she will.

I don't think men like being the dominant one in general. I think in the beginning of a relationship, they generally prefer to take the approach where they do more of the asking, planning and initiating than the woman. I love when men say they are so flattered by a woman taking the initiative and asking them out a lot in the beginning. Then I ask the follow up question - "how many serious happy long term relationships have you been in or heard of where the woman took most of the initiative in the beginning?"

Never got a positive response to that one - what about you?

(and I am not saying things shouldn't change - but I haven't been asked whether to advise on whether to work on changing things - rather I've been asked what is the most effective way to find a serious long term relationship).

..."how many serious happy long term relationships have you been in or heard of where the woman took most of the initiative in the beginning?"

 

Go on, ask me out, take all the initiative and you'll change your opinion after 10 years (and counting) of mindblowing joy.

Very funny! I think asking a man out can be effective in certain cases if a woman wants a long term relationship. I do not think taking the man's role and doing most of the calling, planning and initiating in the early stages of dating will result, in most cases, in a happy long term relationship. It may very well result in a fling, a one night stand and often the woman claiming that the man was a "jerk" because he stopped responding to her calls and e-mails and texts after a few hot and heavy dates.

By taking my approach -letting the man do most of the initiating in the early stages where my role is to be an active and friendly participant, be reliable in my responding to his calls, be appreciative of his efforts, etc I typically get involved only with men who are sincerely interested in getting to know me for purposes of a serious relationship. My moments of cynicsm about "men" have always been fleeting - I simply don't waste my time with the guys who act unreliable, jerky or who don't want to put in the effort of calling me in advance for a proper date they take the lead in planning (whether expensive, free or somewhere in between) - it's really not much effort - I should know since I have asked out men and after the early stages, when we are a couple, I certainly do my equal share of planning and calling, etc.

I just know what works for me and for the hundreds of men and women in their 20s-40s that I know of and know personally. Perhaps it's just true in the big U.S. city I live and work in (and other cities in the U.S. where people have lived or live) and perhaps it's unique to my social circles which are mostly the professional/educated types but actually, from what I have heard and read, I just don't think so. Never heard different on this forum other than a few relationships beginning with the woman asking the man out for a first date (and then the ball is in his court) or about men being "flattered" by women asking them out (but they are not the women they end up being serious with).

](*,) Well, I guess you're sticking to your guns on this one Batya. Its a pity the shy guys have lost one classy lady. Perhaps its a wake up call for them to work on themselves to overcome their shyness. Perhaps ENA should start a 'therapy' section.

I've dated several very shy guys - my boyfriend was one of them, once upon a time, over a decade ago when we first dated. They chose not to let their shyness preclude them from asking me out on a date. Typically, I'm a magnet for the shy types because apparently I have this very approachable look (I am also a tourist magnet and there are many of them where I live).

Much of the time the "it's because he's too shy" theory is blown out of the water when somewhere down the line the woman who claimed that sees "mr. shy" asking out someone he was really interested in. There are exceptions, as I mentioned but I've seen that happen time and again.

I've dated several very shy guys - my boyfriend was one of them, once upon a time, over a decade ago when we first dated. They chose not to let their shyness preclude them from asking me out on a date.

..which somehow proves that once accepted, shy guys usually come out of their shells forever. Just my two thousand dollars.

Typically, I'm a magnet for the shy types because apparently I have this very approachable look (I am also a tourist magnet and there are many of them where I live).

Hey, add some of those 'magnetic look' pics to your profile for our shy guys

.. sees "mr. shy" asking out someone he was really interested in...

Possibly after having successfully completed therapy or after deciding that 'enough is enough'.

Some of the shy guys I went on dates with did not come out of their shell and that didn't work for me in terms of potential for a relationship. Might work fine for others. I had to do work in order to be "dateable" by the types of men I wanted to date - so I don't think it's unfair to expect a man who is shy to overcome the shyness enough to be able to ask a woman out and step up to the plate and be social enough to interact while on the date.

Some of the shy guys I went on dates with did not come out of their shell and that didn't work for me in terms of potential for a relationship...

That's a deeper social problem than mere shyness. Social anxiety perhaps. In such cases the guy cannot interact, not only with women he likes, but with anyone else.

Batya - it may well be that a lot of shy guys have overcome their shyness to ask you out, I am sure that is true because it would be true for most women and most shy men.

But how do you know that there were not shy guys who, although very interested, were too shy to ask? Is it not possible that they were so shy that you were not aware of their interest? Perhaps their numbers are nowhere near as close to the hundreds of men you have dated but perhaps there were some - even more than a few?

Oh I am sure there were at least some - I have vague memories of being told, years later, "I wanted to ask you out, but. .. . " Here's my view on that. In some cases I would consider them "interested but not available" - that is since I am so friendly, warm and approachable to a man I am interested in (and yes including flirtatious)- and I will suggest activities if not outright ask the man out - if he couldn't bear to ask me out because of that level of shyness I would have to wonder whether he was emotionally available for a relationship. I am no supermodel - far from it, I am a tourist magnet and a kid magnet as I mentioned so I suppose I have a relatively "harmless" appearance or look.

I just see in general an overuse of "maybe he's shy - ask him out!" because in general the result of that is a rejection by the man (who may have been shy but also not that interested) or a realization that he wasn't shy - he was just being quiet because he wasn't that interested. Now, no big deal - ok so the woman gets rejected - but my point was it wasn't an effective way to find a man interested in a long term relationship.

And - sure, if a woman is willing to do most of the initiating, calling and planning and in general to be the "man" in the relationship (seriously, sorry if it is not appropriate to put it that way) then a shy/passive guy could be perfect for her. However, the typical issue is "I like this guy but he is not asking me out, and I am not comfortable being the one to ask him out."

Of course there is a chance I missed out on a great relationship because I didn't do too much asking out and certainly didn't take the traditional male role for the beginning stages - we all have instances of missed opportunities of one kind or another. I just really doubt it.

Of course there is a chance I missed out on a great relationship because I didn't do too much asking out and certainly didn't take the traditional male role for the beginning stages - we all have instances of missed opportunities of one kind or another. I just really doubt it.

I think it would be a shame if that had happened.

I also think it would be a great shame if other women also missed out on the chance of a great relationship because they also had this reasoning.

The fact is that finding someone with whom to have a good and permanent relationship is very difficult for most people - as you yourself have demonstrated by the fact that you dated hundreds of men before you found your present relationship.

Most relationships fail - few people marry the first person they meet in a romantic way. To limit the chances of finding someone by writing off people who are too shy, or who don't plan a date in advance, seems to me to be unwise.

I agree that it is difficult to find a good relationship (and my failure was because of my issues - not because I did not date and get involved with wonderful, quality people who treated me with respect and like a lady, as I did reciprocally). I agree that it is a shame to write people off for being shy or for not planning a date in advance. That is why I have always expressed my standards as "most."

I don't think that women should waste their precious time on a man who is not that into them and to me, in general, if a man won't put in the effort to ask a woman out on a date in advance he is likely not that into the woman or not available.

I see so many women waste their time on men like this "oh, he is shy" or "oh, it is because of his relationship baggage/family baggage/he is just so busy and successful so he has no time to call!" These are the same women who post here constantly about what a jerk he turned out to be because even though he was passive, he accepted dates, he accepted sex, etc. and then - poof - disappears.

And then - poof - he is dating the woman he actually wanted to pursue but, oops, she happened to be dating someone else so he figured, I'll spend my time with this other woman who I have mediocre interest in, why not. Or, poof, he is back with his ex/posting again on the same dating site even though he said he wasn't looking for a relationship, etc.

So, while these women are pursuing Mr. "Shy" they could be with someone who was sincerely interested in them and willing to - gasp! - pick up the phone on a Wednesday and say "how about a walk in the park on Saturday afternoon?"

If I saw women feel comfortable with asking men out, with continuing to ask these men out and with effective results - I would sign on - I never had a huge problem asking men out even though I was rejected every time or it was a one-date-wonder. No big deal.

Here's the difference - the women who pursue men in the beginning - and often have sex early on to try and keep them interested -- end up not being available for a healthy relationship because they think they will always get rejected, or all men are players, or no one is ever interested in them.

When you take my approach - and date only those who express sincere interest from the beginning (ask out in advance, show up when they say they will, otherwise reliable, etc) you end up having in general positive experiences with men which lets you relate to and approach men with a positive mindset.

I hear all the stories "oh, I am going to be a modern woman and ask him out - after all, I have the same careeer he does!"- and I never hear any successes from that approach (an occasional success from asking out on the first date but never from a woman who took the man's role beyond the first date.

So, no, I wouldn't suggest a woman risk the high probability of "he's just not that into you" (or not available) in the hopes that one of those men might need to be asked out in order to get over his fear of rejection - the resulting high risk of that negative mindset is just too great, in my opinion.

Again, if a woman were to come here and say she enjoys being "the man" in a relationship - I would absolutely encourage her to go after a man who needed a woman who wanted to do most of the initiating activities. I haven't seen that yet on this board so what you get is a woman who wants to be courted, who makes an exception, who feels weird about it, but continues to call, text, e-mail, pursue in the beginning - and that leads often to a bad match because the dynamic, the comfort zone, is off.

Perhaps that woman should work hard to change - to enjoy being "the man" - but I'm about doing what is most effective and efficient at the time - when it comes to finding a relationship.

The problem is that it is a self-fulfilling prophecy: "If he is too shy to ask me out he is not sufficiently attracted to me." It is incapable of proof.

It may work for you but it could condemn other women who follow the same reasoning to a lonely life for no good reason.