asian parents mate selection up and above

damn yesterday was crazy my folks disapprove of my sis dating this guy(non serious relationship) cause hes like from pinoy-we are chinese no just that but he doesn;t fit the qualifications they require her to date men . they met workin at a seafood restaurant-co workers. they both around early 20's. funny thing is at the end my folks wree yelloing and screaming at here tellin her-if u continue seeing the low life guy they would cut her out of her inheritancce and right now require her to pay 500/mnth in rent. at the end dad and mom was like ah

"you now don't be so cheap and date a guy who has no car, no good secure welling paying educated master degree job and rents his house, i mean the guy just works at a restaurant making min wage , do u want that for ur rest of ur life"

"no girl is dumb as u jen, dating a low life guy from such a poor country-think think-do u want to rent and live and marry this guy for the rest of ur life"

"most girls are smart no like u jen" "anyways he doesn't even speak cantonese like us and hes from a differ country-a country that is very poor and low".

"well why don't you think joey her bro (myself) doesn't have a gf "----directing it at me since i didn't go to univ-just college and i also donl;t have a car and i live at home but not rent. i hope this isn;t the case for my lack of girls.

they also said stuff like this

men who are educated either they have a bachelor or higher, not into men who just went to some community college, or bcit . you must a stable secure financial welling paying job. something like accoutant-cga,cma, doctor, lawyer, engineer-some profession

you must own your own home, renting a house is to me low-bigger the house the better is nice

must be chinese and speak the language too-cantonese

you must own a car-probably a nice car too new one- i will no ride the bus and date a guy-lol

Joe45, your chatspeak or slang is hard to understand and will be hard for other posters to understand. My parents are like yours, hence me moving away to Wisconsin for 15 years. I am 32 right now and my mom still bugs me about finding a man that is settled, has a good job, a house, is Asian, etc. She harps about that all the time. When I brought my ex home, she was not at all pleased. She didnt like the fact that he smoked and drank, and that he lived at home, didnt drive, etc.

Parents what what THEY think is good for their kids. And Asian parents want their girls to go and date and find men that are successful and can take care of the girl.

Hence, that is why I dont tell my parents who I date anymore. Although they were ok with my best friend (my first ex) except he turned out gay.

I don't care what culture it is: Tell your sister that she can not let your parents dictate her life and especially her love life. If they want to disown her, make her pay rent, or any other "lowball" threat, then let them. You will pay a much higher psychological price by allowing them to control you. Your parents will have to learn one day that their children will make decisions on their own. Some of them will be wrong, others will be right. While they may disagree with them, they can not choose FOR them. And, if they want to use manipulative tactics then cut them out of your life. Sounds cold, but . . . you must do what works.

I can't imagine having such materialistic closeminded parents

I understand wanting the best for your kids, but providing them with happiness in life is being accepting and encouraging of their choices, supporting their wants and nurturing their needs.

Is there any way you could reason with them?

I just find it so impossible that people can be so irrational...

From reading this post, I love my Mommy

Chai714, being a fellow Asian, I understand how hard it is to go against parental control and wishes. In Asian culture, the parents are venerated and it is most shameful and bad to go against what their wishes are. My mother thinks people in American culture have no respect for their elders and that is a bad thing. Even my mother respects and did what my grandma wanted, when she was alive. Case in point, my parents have been married about 30 years, about 10 years ago, they had a rough time in their marriage and almost got a divorce. My mom wanted out but my grandma disapproved and my mother didnt want to go against her wishes so she stayed married to my dad. They are still together but they lead very separate lives.

I have a hard time with not disappointing my mother because a lot of how I am and how I look disappoint her, so I moved away for 15 years so I could have my own life. Even though I live in CA right now, I stay away from living too close or with my parents. And I dont let them know that much about my life. It is easier that way and less disappointment.

Most of my Asian friends know what it is like to be Asian and what it is like to fight against disappointing the parents. Hence most of them dont live close to their parents.

Fairie16, most Asians look at material wealth as a sign of success and a sign of goodness, like if your kids are not successful and dont have money it makes the parents look bad to others. My parents are like that. My brother is a software engineer, makes great money, and he just bought a house and my mom loves to parade him around her friends to show them how successful he is and it makes her look good. Case in point, my mom was mad that my brother didnt go out and buy a BMW as his first car because she wanted her friends to know he was doing well. My brother is not a flashy guy and he wanted a car that could be fast and carry his biking and surfing stuff, hence he went and got a Subaru WRX.

you not even suppose to move out-till ya marry- how did u do that renainawomen

Joe45, I compromised with my parents when I went to college and told them I was going to study engineering but I wanted to go to Wisconsin to do it and they were ok with it.

My parents are not all that traditional. My mother is but my dad is pretty mainstream and Americanized because he is a professor at a local university and he knows how life is out here. My mother prefers to hang around her friends, stick around Asian culture and she doesnt speak English all that well.

RW - I too understand how many Asian parents have high expectations for their children. My father is very proud of his children and one of them in particular - he even brags at times. I've learned from his behavior and thereforeeee, when I achieve something he might be proud of - I don't tell him. Why? Because I don't like him bragging. In my opinion, bragging is disrespectful.

There is a difference between expectations and respect. If your parents want you to succeed, that is one thing. If they are forcefully attempting to influence your choices in life - this is disrespect. You are an individual and thereforeeee you have the freedom to make choices in your life. Some will be right, some will be wrong but you will learn either way. Not to stereotype, but some Asian parents have difficulty understanding this. In my case, I will try to choose what is right and at times this will go against what they want. It will cause conflict and I know this, but I have free will and am willing to butt heads. If I had no self-respect, I'd let them make choices for me. But since I do have self-respect, I make them for myself.

Chai714, are you Asian?

I believe that parents can have expectations of their children. Parents can and will manipulate their kids to have the kind of future that they approve of, I dont think that this is anything new. People always have a choice she can, abide by her parents wishes or she can go off on her own. Its a tough call but it is one that she is going to have to make. Parents can act rash as that but you have to listen to their advice within reason because after all it is your life.

RW - I'm half asian, half caucasian.

Let's keep this thread on topic. Does anyone else have any input relating to the original posters concerns?

Joe45, I guess it pretty much boils down to how your sister feels when it comes to your parents. Is she the type that will buck what they say and do what she wants, or is she the type that will eventually do what they want? It isnt easy being Asian and having to deal with parents, esp with all the cultural crap that comes with it because it makes it so much harder to buck the system and tell your parents to f*uck off. I know I have a hard time telling my parents to f*uck off when they try to interfere with my life, but then I dont live with them right now, so I just act like I agree with them and go on with my life. Sometimes, the best way is just to agree with them when you are around them and then do your own thing when you are NOT around them. I tend to be the passive avoidant type of person. I hate controversy and I do my best to avoid it.