Leaving baby at home when going on holiday.....

I'm torn in two. Hubby and I desperately need some time alone, and have this once in a lifetime opportunity to go and tour Europe, and Chech Republic in June. My daughter will be 15 months old then. She currently stays at home with her nanny during the day (hubby and I both work full time).

I'm planning to disrupt her routine as little as possible, by letting my brother and his wife move into our house for the 10 days we will be gone, and her nanny will take care of her during the day, like normal. The only BIG difference is, we will not be coming home at night. She likes my bro and his wife, and she's comfortable with the nanny, but she is currently at the separation anxiety stage.

I know my hubby will Flip if I tell him I want to stay, to get somebody else to go along, as he already booked and paid for the plane tickets, etc. I just don't know if this is going to do dammage to my child, and If I could bare to leave her for so long. She's never spent a night away from me before.

I don't think taking her along is an option, as we are going in a group of people, mostly male friends, and will have to drive ALOT. (already the prospect of spending 10 hours on a plane with a one year old sends shivers down my spine)...

Anybody done this before, or have any research statistics or good advice??

I completely understand the seperation anxiety of being the first time away from your child. But this is something that is important for you to do...you need to have some time with your husband. He is just as important in your life. Your baby will be in good hands.....and needs to adjust to times of mommy and daddy having their own time away from her.

The anxiety you are feeling is completely normal....but please....go with your husband. Your marital relationship NEEDS this, especially since you say you have never left your daughter in 15 months....that's an awful long time to not go out and do something with your husband.

Your child is not going to psychologically damaged. She will not be hurt. She will not be angry with you. Call and talk to her on the phone while you are gone....you will be relieved hearing her voice and she will be happy to talk to mommy/daddy. Buy her something special on your trip. It's only 10 days...she won't forget who you are....and she won't be traumatized during your absense. She is used to you being gone all day when you work....so she is already used to being separated from you for a period of time.

Don't miss out on this opportunity to go off on a possible second honeymoon with your husband.

Oh...I forgot to say that it sounds more like you are having seperation anxiety than she is. And it's okay.. completely understandable.

Thanks Crystal, I'm already bawling my eyes out just thinking about leaving her, and the trip is still 2 months away!!

I read on the drspock. comwebsite that it's no good, and that she might have issues for a while if I leave her....

*sigh*

Do you really think it will be ok? Initially when I had to leave her at daycare, she was mad at me, and refused eye contact when I fetched her in the afternoons. That is the main reason we got a full time nanny, and have her staying at home. STill when I get home and pick her up, she wants nothing to do with martha, she must not come near her, or even talk to her....

I do know Martha takes good care of her, she's always chatting and laughing in the background when I call home during the day (2 x everyday).

But I also know Hubby and I are in desperate need of time together, to "reconnect" .

You must find a balance in your family between your responsibilities to your child and to your husband. Ten days is not a long time and your baby will be fine. This is an excellent opportunity to have some time with your husband and to make your relationship with him solid. It also gives your child a chance to start on the long road to independence and to form good relationships with people other than you. There is no real downside to this trip if you approach it in the right way. But there is a strong chance of damaging your relationship with your husband if you send such a clear message that your child means so much more to you than he does.

Well, about 2 months ago in my morality class, I learned that children that age learn whether to trust or distrust their parents. If they don't have a consistent, predictable life style they will began to distrust their parents. I'll go to school today and see what other info I can get for you.

Hope I helped!

Jaiva

jaiva, that would be great!!

She leads a very consistent predictable life, she naps the same time every day, we have a bath and bed time routine, she has a nanny, she knows and trusts, and I spend all my time with her when I get home from work. It will be the first time I will have to leave her.

Please see if you could find out if this would be damaging to her trust, and bonding with me?

DN, I feel alot better already, Ive read your message, and I've been pondering it for a few hours. Already I don't feel as hysterical anymore, I realise my hubby and I need time to connect and spend time together, I realise my baby is not the only thing in my world (I think it is quite normal to think so though!!) Im wondering if Im turning into an overprotective parent.

Parenting is tough but very very rewarding!!

Hi sonjam,

I am not a parent yet, but going from my own childhood, I think it is very important that parents also show their children that they love their marital partners as well as their children. I think you make a healthier parent if you have a healthy relationship with your partner AND with yourself. I think you need to have a balance of course, but often I think people once they become parents stop being individuals sometimes!

Your child is 15 months old, and is accustomed to having someone else watch her during the day so is not totally foreign to the idea of you not being there (if that was case I would suggest starting with a couple days away at a time to begin, but I think she will be fine). I guarantee she may be a bit fussy with your relatives for a couple days when you initially go away - but really she WILL be fine. I would not put too much into what dr. Spock says - there are a lot of his ideas that can be considered very old fashioned.

I do think it is very important for children to have a stable homelife, but that does not exclude mom & dad going away for a few days to recharge their marriage - in the long term it will be much more beneficial to the child that their parents DO have a strong marriage and have taken care of that bond between them. There will not be any long term (or even short term in my opinion) damage on your baby from you taking a holiday with your partner! Your child may even fair better as she learns to develop other relationships. She is young yes, but she is also growing up and needs to form other relationships outside of her nanny and her parents too and you going away a few days will not ruin her trust in you...and you need to savour the opportunity to get away and bond with your husband.

I really think you should seriously consider going on holiday - I think it will be harder for you to leave her then on her to have you gone to be honest, but I think it will be healthy for all of you in the long run.

I have two daughters and two grandchildren and have a little experience with this. Twice my wife and I have had the grandchildren while my daughter and her husband took trips, the kids loved it, my daughter and husband came back relaxed and refreshed and instantly re-connected with the children. My daughters were also left with relatives a couple of times when young - and I think they turned out just fine - no trust issues.

Remember that little children have a very different sense of time: to them a week can be a day - or a second can be a month. It depends on what they need at the time. Provided they are with people who look after their needs, understand their routine and love them, they feel safe and comfortable. I assume your relatives know and love your child - it would be a good idea to have them stay at your house for a couple of days before you leave to ease the transition.

I can almost guarantee that this will be a positive experience if you approach it the right way. It will rejuvenate your marriage and enhance your relationship with your child. Remember, too, that our prime function as parents is to prepare our children to be independent - this is one way to do that.

During my holidays, I spend more time with people than away from them. HOlidays are to be with the people you love, and it is cruel to exclude an important family member (ie. a child) from the holiday. I think it is very cruel and barbaric.

I think it is very cruel and barbaric

I think that is an overly harsh statement. If you haven't had to raise a baby 7x24x365 it's hard to understand how much work is really involved. And in spite of what you may believe, couples do need the occasional break in order to reconnect with each other. It strengthens the marital bonds and in my opinion makes for a stronger and healther family.

Sonjam, yes your daughter might be a little upset at you. But she WILL get over it. This is a one time thing so you aren't going to do any permanent psychological damage to her. If you did it all the time that would be a different story. But I don't think you should pass up a once in a lifetime opportunity to grow as a couple. I've traveled with and without my children. And I've had memorable times in both cases. But frankly, when my children were very young they could not possibly have appreciated the vacation and I know for a fact they don't remember any of it.

Take the trip. You'll regret it if you don't. Your daughter is going to be just fine and you are leaving her in good hands.

I think it is very cruel and barbaric

I think that is an overly harsh statement. If you haven't had to raise a baby 7x24x365 it's hard to understand how much work is really involved. And in spite of what you may believe, couples do need the occasional break in order to reconnect with each other. It strengthens the marital bonds and in my opinion makes for a stronger and healther family.

 

Sonjam, yes your daughter might be a little upset at you. But she WILL get over it. This is a one time thing so you aren't going to do any permanent psychological damage to her. If you did it all the time that would be a different story. But I don't think you should pass up a once in a lifetime opportunity to grow as a couple. I've traveled with and without my children. And I've had memorable times in both cases. But frankly, when my children were very young they could not possibly have appreciated the vacation and I know for a fact they don't remember any of it.

 

Take the trip. You'll regret it if you don't. Your daughter is going to be just fine and you are leaving her in good hands.

I think avman has some great "real world experience" here and said it far better than I said before since he does have that real experience. In other words, go sonjam....it will be good for you all!

During my holidays, I spend more time with people than away from them. HOlidays are to be with the people you love, and it is cruel to exclude an important family member (ie. a child) from the holiday. I think it is very cruel and barbaric.

Oh, please. Cruel and barbaric? You may not agree but let's keep a sense of proportion. A woman in Toronto was sentenced this morning to three years in prison for leaving her baby for 33 hours while she partied. The child died of heat exhaustion and dehydration. That was cruel and barbaric! Leaving a child with loving relatives for ten days doesn't even begin to come close.

I still stand by my statement that it is cruel and barbaric to leave a child a child...

ALso, I have had a HUGE amount of responsibility in taking care of family members...I know what it is like to feel responsible for someone 24/7/365....I know probably more than most people here....I also know that leaving someone who needs you is cruel and barbaric!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thats why I do it...!!!!!!!! The fact is that some people of incapable of caring for themselves (ie. Children, as well as others) and need someone to take care of them..i have dedicated a huge portion of my life caring for others...i know what it feels like...caring for others does not tire me out. IN fact it gives me strength and hope. FOr everything I give, I get 10x back. I give a little and get a lot back.

In any case, it is cruel and barbaric to leave your children.

PS: That woman who received three years should have gotten 300 years!!!!!!!!!!

Cruel: delighting in, or callous to, others' pain; merciless; hard-hearted; inhuman.

Barbaric: uncivilised; rude; savage.

Words have specific meanings: to use them in such a cavalier way is not useful; people will disregard your message as mere hyperbole.

To assume that you have more experience than anybody in anything is also not sensible, you cannot prove your statement. In any case, the mere fact that you have experience in looking after family members does not make your judgment more valid than that of other people; particularly people who actually have had children and have successfully brought them up to be independent, mature and emotionally secure adults.

Hi Sonjam,

Like Avman I have been faced with both sides of this, holiday with and holiday without, in fact I'm off for 7 days myself in two weeks WITHOUT our toddler.

As DN said previously, children that age have little sense of time. The thing they are exceptionally good at is following a routine and you have got that covered.

She'll notice you gone and may be upset for a day but she'll adapt very quickly and be fine. She may also give you the cold shoulder for the first 20 minutes or so when you return.

She will suffer no lasting feelings of abandonment nor will she develop long term psychological issues. Children at this age learn by repetition and reinforcement. You are a loving family, she will have no reason to remember your going away at all.

Have fun!

As always, you guys have been a great help. I pondered all the responses, and I find that MY seperation anxiety abate.

I know we are good parents, Ive never left her with anyone, and I know we need this break. If I could, I would have moved the holiday with a few years, and take her with us. As it is, this is impossible, and I realised if I don't go, I will be sorry.

I trust my brother and SIL, and I know Alexis will get love, attention, and everything else she needs while we are gone.

THANK YOU ALL for your words of encouragement. I'm going to do it. 8)

I might get a bout of anxiety again, and might ask for more re-assurance, but let's see how it goes. The trip is from the 15th of June.

To I_love_rain_hugs_and_you: I love my child and would never ever leave her alone and uncared for. She will be with people she knows and loves, in her own environment, and taken care of. If there was any doubt in my mind about that, I would not even considder going on this trip. There is nothing barbaric about that.

Very glad to hear you ARE going sonjam! I think you will have a great trip and as richgabe eloquently put she does have a strong, loving family and that is what matters most. She will be fine, and just as important, YOU will be fine!