Cherylyn

I've learned that despite the convenience and inclination to text (or email / message / voicemails / social media), it's not always as effective as a phone conversation or speaking face to face. With some people, the most old-fashioned verbal whether via phone or in person, is best because there's active, audio back 'n forth dialogue, real facial expressions and an opportunity to have the best, most thorough explanations during a conversation. I've discovered that if you really want to get to know a person better than from past memories and cell phones / PC, is to have in person conversations and second best would be a phone chat. It's easier to get into an argument via text, emails, etc. As mentioned earlier, people change and the friendship is not the same as years ago. Life changes. People's attitudes and perspectives change from life's experiences. Some people become bitter, resentful, wary and jaded whereas others had wonderful experiences, successful relationship(s) and life is as smooth as gravy. I hear you about some entitled brats because everything is financially provided for them. It happens. Both of you don't have a lot in common and it's difficult to relate to a person who is spoiled and doesn't have to work hard in order to earn their way for survival. Losing a friend is not really a loss. It's a win. You will release some people from your life and it was meant to be. Some people were meant to endure in your life whereas others don't qualify nor deserve to be in your life.

I hate to burst your bubble but he'll be in college with his new campus life while you're the girl back home still in high school. Don't be surprised should both of you part ways due to drastic life changes for him and keep in mind, absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder. To the contrary, too much absence causes two people to drift apart and become strangers. It's how life is. You wrote that he's not the kindest nor most honest guy you know which are red flags. What you should aim for is the best guy you can be with; not second best or beneath that. You should be with the most kindest and honest guy you know; not a guy who is almost there but not quite. Be with a man who knows how to be consistently and habitually very kind and honest because those types of men are the most enduring. Anyone less is risky and don't be surprised if a guy like that doesn't last long term. Actually, you'd be setting yourself up for failure had you met him later in your 20s and 30s. Meeting him now gives you a chance to give yourself a wake up call (personal growth education) and pay attention to stellar character vs. subpar character. You're young and now is your opportunity learn that not all men are created equal. It's the flaws which you need to pay attention to because what seems like tolerable flaws for now, turns into highlighted, incurable and worse flaws later down the road. Love is blind. At first, it's easy to overlook flaws. However, it's those periodic unkindness and dishonest traits which will become more pronounced and this is not the type of guy whom you want to settle down with. Pump the brakes on marriage thoughts. It pays to be very picky and choosy. I know because I married him. You'd better shop around. 🙄🫢

You can't undo the past. From now on, focus on being a great father. Congratulations on the birth of your son! Remain peaceful with your girlfriend's mother. Be well mannered and respectful no matter what. You can't control other people. However, you can concentrate on being a great father so do that. Be kind, loving, very helpful and very decent. It's all you can do. If your girlfriend's mother is not easy to get along with, remain polite and calm. You don't have to get chummy. Be nice but don't over do it. Keep the peace and divert your attention to your new son and the mother of your child. Nothing else is important. This is your new family so make the best of it.

Just ignore and look the other way. They only have an audience if you participate by watching their show. 🙄 I really don't care about other people's public displays of affection. It doesn't faze me because I have better things to do. I avert my eyes and focus my attention on whatever suits me. Don't feel uncomfortable because when you don't care, there is no discomfort anymore and this mindset applies to your entire life. Don't be fooled by public displays of affection because you don't know what people are really like behind closed doors or when you get to know them upon closer examination. This is when you see warts and all. Their true character and personality can be quite ugly. Some people are quite deceiving. They'll show you what they want you to see publicly or socially and when you get to know them more closely, you're in for a very rude awakening. Some people are two faced so beware. Some people possess a Jekkyl 'n Hyde personality. Then there are other types of people who will paw their partner or spouse as if they're their property and can be very manipulative, controlling, possessive and they wear the pants in the family. I've observed this trait which is quite disturbing. Be careful what you wish for. It's not all chirping birds and butterflies in this world. 🫢 Someday your naivete will be no more.

Pay attention to your instincts and intuition. Anytime you have doubts about a person no matter who they are, is a warning sign to beware and stay away. Far away. Some people will give you endless stress, grief, worries, misery, distrust and angst. I made the horrible mistake of taking some people back into my life just for them to deceive and betray me all over again. They caused me great, immeasurable pain. Live and learn the hard way. ☹️ Never allow history to repeat itself. If you want to be normal and happy, be like other normal, happy people meaning surround yourself with normal, happy, secure people. Never give yourself unnecessary, preventable stress. It took me many years to arrive to this conclusion. It was trial and error in the making. I wish I had known back then what I know now. I'm sure most people share the same sentiment.

A narcissist or those who lack empathy don't care how you feel, don't want to discuss what doesn't interest them, will always deny your feelings, deny that whatever happened didn't happen and will always manipulate you whether in person, verbally or in written form. It's all the same. The only time they're civil is when everything is in their favor as long as they're in control. There is a pecking order here and you're definitely not on the top. You're beneath your boyfriend or anyone who behaves selfishly. You have no status. Grow accustomed to being disrespected and treated as if you don't matter because this is how it is.☹️ Even though my story is not the same as yours, I too have been on the receiving end of the same mistreatment you are experiencing. Telling you to shut the _______ up is a way to shut you down and often times, it works. Suddenly, you know your place, you are defeated, you are inferior as he is superior to you. This is the game. Being held accountable and apologies will never be forthcoming in a million years. It's not his nature. Remember, no empathy means no empathy and often times it is the definition of a narcissist which btw, is not preening oneself in the mirror. I wish it were that easy but it is not. Far from it. Giving you the silent treatment and acting as if nothing happened at all is typical despicable behavior. You're expected to "play nice" all the while and pretend that everything is wonderful. 😒 You're expected to put up and shut up. Go along to get along. This is how a narcissist controls you. You either play this game and take his ______ repeatedly or dissolve and exit the relationship. Are you going to take ______ from him or anyone? Think again. I wouldn't if I were you. He accuses you of being sensitive. Educate yourself with this word: Gaslighting. Gaslighting is deflecting and manipulating the conversation so you are forced to question your perception of the facts and you are labeled as crazy. It's the oldest, nastiest, ugliest trick there is. Never fall prey to this evil mind game. 😡 Gaslighting is also telling you that you're not so perfect and everyone has foibles including you. Blah, blah, blah. Gaslighting is a way to control you and treat you in the most condescending manner. Lose all admiration and respect for a person who engages in gaslighting. They're not worth the dirt you stand on. Don't cry anymore. 😭 Shed your tears and think smart. 🫢 It will take you a few days to process this but change the way you think. If you want to win for yourself and treat yourself with dignity, then get out. You deserve to be treated with respect, kindness and consideration. Any other way is: NO. No deal. If you start thinking you're the problem, he has won gaslighting you successfully. There is nothing wonderful about him because his badness is what makes you miserable and no one can be happy with a guy like that. No, he's not worth it. Leave. Dump the chump. He acts like an ___________. 😠 Strengthen your resolve by empowering yourself. Be in control of your own life. Never allow anyone to beat you down. Be kind and good to yourself. Rescue yourself and exit yourself from this very abusive relationship. You deserve to be treated with respect. Anything less than respect is INTOLERABLE AND UNACCEPTABLE.

Stop comparing your fiancee to your ex. If you have to ask here on this forum whether or not you should go through with marrying her, cancel the engagement. Do both of yourselves a favor and do a reset for yourself. It's not fair to your betrothed to be with a man who hasn't figured out if a future with her is solid or not. You're doubtful which is not a good sign. Better to tell your fiancee the truth so you can figure out what you want in your life and give her a chance to quit wasting her time and energy with a man who is uncertain about her and your future with her. Either you know without a doubt or you don't. Apparently, you are unsure so dissolve and exit the engagement so you can find yourself.

You need to change the way you think entirely. Don't be the type who argues, fights and gets angry. 😡 There is a way to disagree without highly charged emotions and outbursts. There is a way to remain calm and respectful even though there are issues. Whether it's important or not, express your feelings in a mature way for the best outcome. Don't be seen as a dominant man because most women don't want dominance. Most women wish to be treated with kindness, tenderness, gentleness, calmness, respect and consideration in mind. In other words, you have to put yourself aside, be unselfish and treat women (and people) how you would want to be treated. You can be assertive, have self confidence, high self esteem while possessing class. There is a way to hold yourself in a dignified manner and treat women with dignity as well. Try having aplomb and you will get there. You can exude confidence by carrying yourself with grace and resolve. This is how you develop emotional intelligence which is the definition of empathy. Don't be dominant with anyone committal or not. Be fair and kind. When you change your attitude and behavior, you will draw the type of woman who knows how to behave with honor as well. It works both ways. You ought to try it by changing your tack. The spark is kept alive when you sparkle and make yourself look more attractive. Women perceive your soul. Make a positive impression.

Thank you for your kind words @rainbowsandroses. You are appreciated. My condolences and I'm sorry about your beloved brother. 😢

Because they don't need commitment. They prefer freedom and independence to do as they will without any sort of pact as what is required with partners or spouses.

I'm sorry to tell you this but you'll never forget. Sure, you can move on but forget? Memories are here to stay and you cannot erase remembering the past. Give yourself time. It could take many months and years to heal. It takes lots of time to heal old wounds. Someday your current feelings will be a blur. Memories will fade and no longer be as vivid anymore. Continue preoccupying yourself with healthy distractions. I've found that whenever I'm hurting, I help those who are less fortunate in various capacities. Suddenly, the focus is no longer on me anymore nor some people from my past. Why does it take so long to forget? Because your achey feelings are still very raw and fresh; that's why. Another thing that helps is to think about anything you didn't like about the guy and then you'll feel relieved and grateful to have rid of him. Always remind yourself that certain people were not meant to remain permanent in your life. It could be personality and character differences, habits, anything that irritated you about him so on and so forth. Or, something that he did to you which wasn't acceptable nor tolerable for you. Those types of reminders reinforce why the relationship floundered.

@Single Guy Needs Help and @rainbowsandroses Go for it. See for yourself and good luck. You will find out for yourself as experience is your best teacher. 👍 😉

I respect your opinion, @rainbowsandroses and I too can say ^ ^ ^ ^ not necessarily either. I'm happy that you have great experiences with age differences. I was merely sharing what my parents and extended family's experiences were which wasn't rosy as the older spouse obviously aged faster with all sorts of debilitating ills which ailed them. I watched my poor mother carry the load for my devastatingly sick father and household while raising 3 children. She had to tough it out on her own and it was a very hard life. 😥 I felt sorry for my mother. Then there's my extended family member who initially had a good first few years with her husband and then it went all downhill from there to how it is today which is quite miserable to put it mildly. 🤬 It's not wonderful and unfortunately, whenever struggle and hardship strikes, suddenly a couple engages in cross words with one another. It isn't pretty and happens all too frequently. I too admire those who stick it out for better or for worse, in sickness and in health just like the pastor requested a couple to repeat their vows at the altar. While it all sounds so lovely, reality can be quite cruel. While it's a real testament and test of real love to the bitter end, not everyone is cut out for it. I admire those who promise for richer or poorer and in sickness and in health. It is ideal. However, not everyone can tolerate nor endure very heavy impositions and burdens thrust upon one individual. Outlook on the marriage isn't favorable. Bitterness and resentment sets in and former gushing over one another is history. This is what I had observed. It isn't enjoyable. Just know what you've signed up for, sweat and toil away later. Some people don't mind its grueling reality check while others prefer to avoid strife and difficulty by obviously marrying within their age bracket. To each his or her own. 😉 👍

I'm going on almost 10 years of NC with a person who wronged and tested me sorely. Pretty good, huh? 😉 It's definitely and adjustment to be sure. However, I've since grown accustomed to my autonomy, freedom, safe place and it's my new normal. I prefer to be with normal people. Anyone who is high maintenance is too much work for me. I'm exhausted. I want my life to get easier, not harder. Bad people are out ~ permanently. Best thing I'd ever done. 👍 ☺️

Either choose a different roommate or have an in depth discussion with your roommate and change chores. Since she's so particular about dishes, do another chore such as clean the apartment, laundry, errands or something like that. Do the opposite, wash big items by hand and put dishes, glassware, etc in the dishwasher. That's what I do at my house. As for the purse, tell her it's better for her to take her purse with her to the restroom so she can be responsible for her valuables and belongings. Since she's so critical regarding how you do chores, you have every right to be particular about how she does chores for both of you as well. Be fair.