Tinydance

I also wanted to add that it's OK to have certain expectations of friends. After all friendship isn't a job so you're friends with people by choice. But if someone isn't meeting your expectations then you either need to accept them as is, or you end the friendship. Like for example if someone never wants kids and they're single but their friend gets married and has kids. For example if they want to go out to parties or bars, likely that friend won't go with them. And likely that friend will talk about their kids and spouse a lot. So the person can either just end the friendship because that friend isn't suitable to them anymore, or they can accept that the friendship is limited. Like, they can still message each other but they won't go to a bar or club together. So they might decide to make other friends to go to the bar. But they will still speak to their friend and catch up for a coffee when they can.

Well you said why is she asking you to invite you out with her friends when she didn't invite you with hers. And that you don't want to invite her because she didn't do it for you. As I said, you don't have an obligation to invite her. Personally I probably wouldn't invite her in the sense that I wouldn't text her and be like: "Hey I'm letting you know we're going out tonight and you should come." But if you were just talking about it in conversation and she asked: "Can I come?", I wouldn't be like: "No you can't " I mean, it's not necessary to get revenge or something. Also what has your friendship with her been like? Do you mean that she would always text you a lot and catch up a lot until she found that boyfriend? I mean you said you moved away for a number of years. So I'm assuming you didn't see each other much during those years? Like, you've got expectations that because you moved back to that city and were lonely that she needs to be 100% constant bestie now. But when you needed to move away and you couldn't catch up, you weren't there either. People can actually drift away if they don't see each other for a number of years. I'm not saying you weren't there deliberately but it's just life circumstances. And yes I'm sure there are women in those Meetup groups who really prioritize friendships. And that's why they're actually in the Meetup. They have free time and specifically want new friends so they are acting very keen and available. It's a bit different to someone who's preoccupied with a relationship, study, etc. Your friend probably has drifted from you. People actually do drift and I'm not saying it's not sad or disappointing. But you're just really fixated on this friend and you're really trying to mould the situation to what YOU want. You need to stop trying to push it in the direction you want because your friend just doesn't want to go in that direction. Maybe she's an a-hole for it but this is where she's at.

Look I don't blame you for being disappointed in your friend. I agree it's upsetting that she seems to be putting no effort into your friendship anymore. Or not much anyway. However I'm really noticing from your posts that you do have some kind of unhealthy attachment to your friend. You also have unhealthy expectations of what friendship is supposed to be like. This is my opinion...While friends are meant to be supportive, they don't actually have a responsibility towards you to have your life organised. For example, if you're struggling to find a job, yes it would be nice if they got you a job at their work or their connections. But they don't HAVE to do it. It doesn’t make them a bad friend if they don't. I think it's the same with making friends. If your friend has other friends, they don't have a responsibility towards you to invite you out with them and make sure you have friends too. If they want to catch up with those people on their own it's fine. It's unfortunate that at that time you didn't have friends and were lonely. But it's not your friend's job or responsibility to make sure you're not lonely and take you out with her boyfriend or friends. As an adult you need to look after yourself. If you're looking for a job, you don't expect your friend to write your resume and job applications, right? You have to do that on your own. I just think it's a bit weird that you have this resentment towards your friend because you didn't know anyone but she did. You said you moved away for some years and you lost touch with people. That's not her fault. I understand you were lonely but you ended up in that situation because of the circumstances. It wasn't your friend's fault and she didn't need to help "fix it". If she's enjoying spending time with her boyfriend that's normal. He obviously has a group of friends and he asks her to come along so she does. She said she can come along with your group too. There are also people who actually prefer to hang out in a group sometimes. Rather than just doing a lot of one-on-one catch ups. Also as has been discussed before, people change sometimes as life goes on. It seems you want like a female best friend (preferably single). You want a female bestie that you go out and do things with, have deep conversations, etc. Well she isn't actually single now, she's spending time with her boyfriend and she's studying. Her life has changed and she's living that life now. It's not reasonable that you're still expecting her to fit in with your expectations of that single, free bestie. This is what YOU want but she's not that anymore.

Well, the way I see it, you actually don't need to include her with your friends. Personally I don't think it's an obligation or anything like that. I have many friends myself and I'm in two different friendship groups and also have a couple of close friends who aren't in those groups. For example, I'm in a group of four women I've known for 25 years from school. I'm also in another group which is like five women and one man. Then I have a female best friend who isn't in those groups. If I have a Birthday party I do invite all my friends. But other than that I don't invite them out all together. That's not because I don't want to or I'm being possessive of my friends. We just don't have expectations that we need to invite others when we catch up. Even in that group of five women and a guy, sometimes some of us will catch up separately. E.g. Just me and guy friend. We are chill and don't think anything if some people want to have some one-on-one time.

Thank you for the update Shy! I'm really glad to hear that you're having fun with your new friends! I actually don't think you have an obligation to invite anyone out with your group of friends. Like, you can if you want to. But you don't HAVE to. I think that seeing as your friend barely puts any effort at all into your friendship, you can just do the same. If you're going out with your new friends then go out with them and don't message her to come too. You also don't really need to update her that you're going out with them either. I could be wrong but it seems to me that she's very worried about preserving the relationship with her boyfriend. So she always puts him first and only goes out with him and his friends. But maybe she's not even having a good time with them. If she was then why would she be asking to come out with you and your new friends? In terms of relationships, I actually see it as a fluid thing. In the sense that anyone can be single or in a relationship at any given time. So that's why I thought it was a bit unusual how you were talking about single people and people in relationships as different species or something lol And yeah there are all sorts of people out there. For example I have a female friend who's been married for 17 years with kids. And I have another female friend who at 39 has never been with anyone whatsoever in any romantic or physical way. But I think most people go in and out of relationships. I don't mean constantly but even if they're in a 10 year relationship, it might end. I don't think most people prioritise romantic relationships, but some do sure. Everyone is different.

Well, first of all, I think five months is actually not that long to date if you're in the Western world. If it's some kind of arranged marriage and you're allowed to spend time together for five months before actually legally marrying then yes it's probably enough time. But in the Western culture five months can really just be a getting to know you phase. Usually people in the West don't rush into relationships and especially not into marriage these days. So after five months someone can say they're not feeling a spark even if you were actually having sex. They were seeing how the relationship goes and decided you weren't the right person. I think where the sex is an issue is that you're saying you won't have sex before marriage. That puts a lot of pressure on the guy to then actually marry you but five months isn't that long to know each other. Especially because you met on a dating app and didn't even know each other before that. So it's different if you were friends or at least acquaintances first. This guy probably didn't just want sex and was OK to wait but he wasn't going to wait forever. If you were being affectionate it's natural he would feel horny. He probably realised that he does want that physical and sexual intimacy. And he can't have it from you. Do you say on your online dating profile what your beliefs about sex are? My advice would be to use Christian dating sites or go to church and meet guys who also want to wait for sex before marriage.

I think with situations like this, it really depends on the actual circumstances. I don't think it's that strange or inappropriate for people to thank medical staff for taking care of them or their loved ones. For example, my Dad died of cancer and he had a very kind, very dedicated male oncologist who treated him for a year. Both my mother and I thought very highly of this doctor. I said to my Mum that I wanted to give the oncologist a thank you card and a box of chocolates. I wasn't interested in him romantically at all but simply wanted to say thank you for everything that he had done for my father to try to save his life. I think in this particular situation, the gesture was more a thank you for nurses week and the fact that OP looked after the guy's Mum. Also she said she grew up with that guy so she knew him. Where I think it would seem suspicious is if she hardly knew the guy and the money wasn't for anything in particular or any occasion. However, this is more a comment about accepting money in general. I think it's a bit different if someone has your address and sends a gift in the mail. Or brings you a gift they already bought. In that sense they already paid for it and already delivered it to you, so it seems rude not to accept. But if someone asks for your bank account details to send you money, you don't actually have to say yes. Even if you're medical staff who helped them but doing this is actually your job which you already get paid for. And in a sense working in the medical field is supposed to be a caring, altruistic sort of job. You don't do the job to get gifts or money for it. So in my opinion it was just a bit in poor taste. I do see some red flags though with the boyfriend interpreting any interaction with any male as flirtatious or romantic. If you're not allowed to say hi to a male acquaintance or interact with anybody male without being accused then it's like walking on eggshells. Which is very rich coming from someone who deliberately follows a lot of random women on social media.

I agree with this. I read your previous post about your boyfriend and to be honest he does sound overly jealous and possessive. It just doesn't really sound like you guys are on the same page regarding having opposite gender friends or talking to the opposite gender. I think it's fine to have male friends and I have a couple. If you run into a male friend and have a quick chat, it doesn't automatically mean you were flirting just because it's a guy. Unless you actually were visibly flirting. Also you said your boyfriend follows a lot of random women online so that's actually different to having male friends or acquaintances. I think in terms of the sending money situation...Your boyfriend reacted very over the top and especially by blocking you. I guess a situation like that really comes down to whether your boyfriend accepts you having male friends and whether this guy actually is your friend. If he is your friend and he sent the money for an occasion (nurses week) then it's not as bad. But if he's not someone you know very well then it does seem odd that he'd send money unless he had some ulterior motives. On your end though, I'm not saying you wanted to be with that guy or you're into him. But I do find it odd that if you could have easily afforded that coffee, why you sent him your cash app details for him to send you the money. It does come across like maybe you were enjoying getting attention. Whether it be because you wanted recognition as a nurse, attention from this guy, or both. But I guess if you took care of his mother and his mother really liked you or something, maybe he really was just trying to be nice. I think you and your boyfriend just rub each other the wrong way. You both don't want each other to talk to opposite gender on social media, but yet you're both actually doing it. Like, if you don't want him following women on social media then you shouldn't really accept money from guys on social media. And vice versa if he doesn't like what you did then he needs to stop following and liking all these women on Instagram. I think it's just not a healthy relationship where you're constantly monitoring his Instagram and he flips out every time you speak to a male.

Well IF this guy seemed good and you weren't finding anything concerning, it would be fine to meet him. I think you could still come for two days and just stay with family. If you have friends and family in the area then you could catch up with them as well. Like, you could meet the guy one day and if you want to see him again, you see him again the next day. But if you don't want to see him again then you just say: "Sorry I didn't feel a click, good luck with everything" and wish him well. I'm not sure if this guy sounds that great though because what he said about beating you up was really lame. But I guess if you'd like to go back home to see family anyway you could meet him and just get peace of mind that at least you tried.

You mentioned that you need to get better at setting boundaries. I think that's a really good idea! I've found that different therapists can have very different approaches. Some therapists don’t say much, ask a few questions and just listen. Some say something about themselves to try to relate to their client. For example if they have something in common. I don't think it's 100% bad but it should really be kept to a minimum. Some therapists will also challenge you more than others. Personally I do prefer a therapist that comments on what I'm saying and challenges me. Rather than just sits back and listens. I don't want them to just be quiet or only repeat what I say. But that's just my personal preference. I think it's fine to set boundaries with your therapist. If you like her overall but you would prefer she didn't talk about herself, it's fine to say that. You’re paying her money so it's your choice how to direct your therapy. As long as it's appropriate. But remember also that it's up to you to do this and not up to your girlfriend.

What has your therapist done that warrants her not being liked? Could you provide what she has said and done specifically?

I just get the sense that you don't like therapists either/don't think much of them. It's very common here in Australia to see a therapist or at least to be a client of some kind of social welfare service for mental health, addiction issues, and so on. The Australian government is quite generous with giving funding towards social welfare. You can actually get a mental health care plan from your doctor to see a psychologist ten times a year which is heavily subsidised by the government. There are some very good therapists our there like my last therapist who actually genuinely cared and was very kind. In any case, the OP himself wants to see a therapist and finds it useful. In my opinion that's his choice to do what he feels is helpful to him. If his girlfriend really wants to support him then she needs to stand by what he wants to do to improve himself. I understand if she's worried he's becoming more low or stand offish after therapy sessions. But it makes no sense to blame the therapist for this and call her swear words. I'm sure the therapist isn't telling him to behave like this towards his partner. It's just not mature to put blame on the therapist when she needs to address this with him, her partner.

OP, how old are you and your girlfriend? How long have you been together? Personally I'm getting a bad feeling about your relationship and I agree with the others who said it might not last. Your girlfriend doesn’t sound emotionally mature or like she understands what therapy actually is. You said she basically forces you to tell about what you talked about in therapy like you have no other option. In my opinion that's a huge red flag. You don't have any obligations to tell her what you talked about. You’re right that therapy is private and it's supposed to be confidential. That's why therapists don’t tell anyone at all about what you said. Unless it's a legal matter requested by court or you're at risk of hurting yourself or others. You’re supposed to feel like therapy is a private space just to talk about whatever you want. By forcing you to tell her everything you say in therapy, your girlfriend is taking that safe space away from you. She sounds very paranoid that you're talking to your therapist about her. Firstly, it's actually normal to talk to your therapist about your partner. Even if it’s something negative, you're working things out and discussing them. If your girlfriend thought your relationship is solid then she wouldn't worry about what you tell the therapist and wouldn't care what the therapist thinks. My ex-fiance always went to a therapist and I actually never even thought to ask him how it went. To be honest it literally didn't even enter my mind if he talked about me or not. I actually wouldn't even care if my partner talked about me in therapy. It seems to me people who are insecure or abusive in some way are scared the therapist would find out they're abusive. Secondly, even if you have become more withdrawn after therapy, that's YOU doing that. Your girlfriend can't blame the therapist and call her names. Your therapist isn't controlling you. Any behaviours you display are YOUR behaviours. The therapist isn't the enemy here.

Pole dancing and seeing a therapist are extremely different things! Of course there are things you need to change or give up if you're in a relationship. Like, you shouldn't cheat, go on dating apps, and so on. But you're allowed to have friends, hobbies, see a therapist. And you don't have to quit a job if your boss or colleagues are opposite gender. We are talking about normal versus unacceptable things in a relationship. Most people don't find their partner seeing a therapist abnormal or inappropriate. Getting therapy is very common. I think if your partner feels secure in themselves and in your relationship, they won't see everyone as a threat to the relationship. E.g. If my partner gets served by a female shop assistant, I don’t care. If someone is insecure, or jealous, they might be like: "You were flirting with the shop assistant" when in fact that wasn't true. Someone jealous and insecure projects their own feelings. They see others as a threat by default.

100% this!!!!