Tinydance

I think it's pretty clear that your wife is having an affair. I mean, think about it, she doesn't actually NEED this guy to come on the trips. She's been going on these trips alone or with female friends so why would she need this guy to go? She's also completely financing him to come on the trips so why would she want to spend her money on him? She doesn't need him as a "friend". She has friends and she has a husband but yet she needs some guy she hardly knows to accompany her? Sounds really far fetched. Also you've actually found plenty of flirtatious or sexual messages so the proof is right there. I guess the question now is, are you OK with your wife doing this? You seem to be under some kind of impression that she can "get it out of her system". You seem to think your marriage will improve if you allow her to have this affair. I don't really think it's fair to begin with that she's been going on these holidays without you. But now she's actually going on holidays with another man to top it off. If your wife is checking out of the marriage, then just divorce. But don't let her just do whatever she wants while you're being a doormat.

Well, to be honest I think you're both kind of in the wrong. My belief is that you shouldn't be pressuring your partner to do an activity with you that they're not into. I think it was quite obvious that your boyfriend isn't into swimming, it's just not his thing. I think in that case, yes you can go swimming with other people because he's not interested. I also don't really understand why you can't just go swimming by yourself? I understand it's more fun to go with other people but it's also the sort of activity that someone can do alone. What I see a red flag with is that your boyfriend was going through your phone. I don't think that anyone has the right to go through anyone's phone. Even if they suspect something, they should talk to their partner directly and try to sort it out. Going through someone's phone is a violation of privacy. It also sounds to me like you're pretty upfront about what you're up to, who you're talking to, etc. So your boyfriend doesn't really need to look at your phone because you're not hiding anything. I think that unfortunately you and your boyfriend have very different views on opposite gender friends. It doesn’t sound like your boyfriend is OK with you having male friends. Which is actually a problem if most of your friends are male. I do understand though why he got suspicious about this particular friend. This friend used to like you in the past. Also you'd be swimming in a bathing suit, presumably even a bikini. A guy is likely to check you out, especially a guy who used to be into you. Your boyfriend obviously knows how guys think because he is one lol

Well I actually think that being assertive and being dominant are two different things. To me being dominant means that someone is very pushy and self focused. I personally never thought of the word "dominant" as a positive word. When I think of a dominant person, I think of someone who wants to take over everything, makes everything about them, dictates what to do. Calls all the shots, in other words. I have a strong personality myself so I usually don't get along with people who are dominant. Be it a man or a woman. I don't think that a man should be more dominant. But likewise I don't think one partner should be more dominant than the other in a relationship. I think relationships should be more about equality. I know there are cultures that do believe men should be more dominant and even women are raised to think that. So I'm not sure if maybe you're from a culture where it's believed a man is meant to be more dominant than a woman. In terms of being assertive, I don’t necessarily see that as a bad thing. Assertive just means that you don't let people treat you badly and like a doormat. I think the hot air balloon example you gave is a tricky one. On one hand you had already spent a lot of money and time on booking the hot air balloon ride. But on the other hand, if your ex didn't feel comfortable to go, you can't exactly force her. I don't think it would be right to push her to go if she got scared or something. I mean, there are certain activities which can actually make people feel really anxious. Like, bungee jumping, paragliding, hot air balloon. They're all things where you're very high up in the sky. I think that you probably should have expressed that you were disappointed though. The thing if you always act like everything is fine, people can take you for granted. I don't think that being assertive or dominant necessarily means there will be a spark though. I'm sure there are people out there who are very shy and quiet in successful relationships. A spark means that you're just vibing and clicking with that person. Whether you like that they're assertive and dominant would depend on whether you vibe with that sort of person. (I don't). I get along much better with more quiet people because I'm more loud and dominant myself. So I don't necessarily think your theory is right. Lack of spark probably just means these women didn't fall for you or they saw things in you that's not right for *them*. Doesn't mean you're not going to be the right match for someone else.

So does your friend do this a lot where he only invites you somewhere because other people can't come? Or he invites you just by yourself too? You said he's a close friend so you talk and hang out often? To me it depends on the actual situation how I feel about it. If I have a friend who only invites me somewhere to "fill in" for someone else, then I'd feel a bit upset. But if they invite me other times too then it wouldn't bother me. I actually do this sometimes too because I organise a lot of outings. I also win a lot of free tickets to theatre, music gigs, things like that. So for example if I organised to go to the cinema and paid for tickets. If someone can't come then I might ask someone else. Or I win free tickets and I only ask someone at the last minute. But I talk to my friends a lot and invite them out one-on-one as well. I also don't really feel offended if someone I'm not close to asks me to come somewhere because someone else cancelled. Like, if they're an acquaintance and they don't contact me much. I'm not offended because I know we're not close but they just had a spare ticket. Or they want to see a band and need someone to see it with. I think the only time I'd be offended is if I'm close to someone but they only invite me out instead of someone else. If you'd really like to go to Spain then go and have a good time! Sometimes it's also about doing the activities together and enjoying it. Like, sometimes I had free movie tickets. I put on Facebook and a distant acquaintance replied that she'd go with me. Normally I didn't speak to her much but we just went out together to see the movie. Like activity buddies.

I also wanted to add that it's OK to have certain expectations of friends. After all friendship isn't a job so you're friends with people by choice. But if someone isn't meeting your expectations then you either need to accept them as is, or you end the friendship. Like for example if someone never wants kids and they're single but their friend gets married and has kids. For example if they want to go out to parties or bars, likely that friend won't go with them. And likely that friend will talk about their kids and spouse a lot. So the person can either just end the friendship because that friend isn't suitable to them anymore, or they can accept that the friendship is limited. Like, they can still message each other but they won't go to a bar or club together. So they might decide to make other friends to go to the bar. But they will still speak to their friend and catch up for a coffee when they can.

Well you said why is she asking you to invite you out with her friends when she didn't invite you with hers. And that you don't want to invite her because she didn't do it for you. As I said, you don't have an obligation to invite her. Personally I probably wouldn't invite her in the sense that I wouldn't text her and be like: "Hey I'm letting you know we're going out tonight and you should come." But if you were just talking about it in conversation and she asked: "Can I come?", I wouldn't be like: "No you can't " I mean, it's not necessary to get revenge or something. Also what has your friendship with her been like? Do you mean that she would always text you a lot and catch up a lot until she found that boyfriend? I mean you said you moved away for a number of years. So I'm assuming you didn't see each other much during those years? Like, you've got expectations that because you moved back to that city and were lonely that she needs to be 100% constant bestie now. But when you needed to move away and you couldn't catch up, you weren't there either. People can actually drift away if they don't see each other for a number of years. I'm not saying you weren't there deliberately but it's just life circumstances. And yes I'm sure there are women in those Meetup groups who really prioritize friendships. And that's why they're actually in the Meetup. They have free time and specifically want new friends so they are acting very keen and available. It's a bit different to someone who's preoccupied with a relationship, study, etc. Your friend probably has drifted from you. People actually do drift and I'm not saying it's not sad or disappointing. But you're just really fixated on this friend and you're really trying to mould the situation to what YOU want. You need to stop trying to push it in the direction you want because your friend just doesn't want to go in that direction. Maybe she's an a-hole for it but this is where she's at.

Look I don't blame you for being disappointed in your friend. I agree it's upsetting that she seems to be putting no effort into your friendship anymore. Or not much anyway. However I'm really noticing from your posts that you do have some kind of unhealthy attachment to your friend. You also have unhealthy expectations of what friendship is supposed to be like. This is my opinion...While friends are meant to be supportive, they don't actually have a responsibility towards you to have your life organised. For example, if you're struggling to find a job, yes it would be nice if they got you a job at their work or their connections. But they don't HAVE to do it. It doesn’t make them a bad friend if they don't. I think it's the same with making friends. If your friend has other friends, they don't have a responsibility towards you to invite you out with them and make sure you have friends too. If they want to catch up with those people on their own it's fine. It's unfortunate that at that time you didn't have friends and were lonely. But it's not your friend's job or responsibility to make sure you're not lonely and take you out with her boyfriend or friends. As an adult you need to look after yourself. If you're looking for a job, you don't expect your friend to write your resume and job applications, right? You have to do that on your own. I just think it's a bit weird that you have this resentment towards your friend because you didn't know anyone but she did. You said you moved away for some years and you lost touch with people. That's not her fault. I understand you were lonely but you ended up in that situation because of the circumstances. It wasn't your friend's fault and she didn't need to help "fix it". If she's enjoying spending time with her boyfriend that's normal. He obviously has a group of friends and he asks her to come along so she does. She said she can come along with your group too. There are also people who actually prefer to hang out in a group sometimes. Rather than just doing a lot of one-on-one catch ups. Also as has been discussed before, people change sometimes as life goes on. It seems you want like a female best friend (preferably single). You want a female bestie that you go out and do things with, have deep conversations, etc. Well she isn't actually single now, she's spending time with her boyfriend and she's studying. Her life has changed and she's living that life now. It's not reasonable that you're still expecting her to fit in with your expectations of that single, free bestie. This is what YOU want but she's not that anymore.

Well, the way I see it, you actually don't need to include her with your friends. Personally I don't think it's an obligation or anything like that. I have many friends myself and I'm in two different friendship groups and also have a couple of close friends who aren't in those groups. For example, I'm in a group of four women I've known for 25 years from school. I'm also in another group which is like five women and one man. Then I have a female best friend who isn't in those groups. If I have a Birthday party I do invite all my friends. But other than that I don't invite them out all together. That's not because I don't want to or I'm being possessive of my friends. We just don't have expectations that we need to invite others when we catch up. Even in that group of five women and a guy, sometimes some of us will catch up separately. E.g. Just me and guy friend. We are chill and don't think anything if some people want to have some one-on-one time.

Thank you for the update Shy! I'm really glad to hear that you're having fun with your new friends! I actually don't think you have an obligation to invite anyone out with your group of friends. Like, you can if you want to. But you don't HAVE to. I think that seeing as your friend barely puts any effort at all into your friendship, you can just do the same. If you're going out with your new friends then go out with them and don't message her to come too. You also don't really need to update her that you're going out with them either. I could be wrong but it seems to me that she's very worried about preserving the relationship with her boyfriend. So she always puts him first and only goes out with him and his friends. But maybe she's not even having a good time with them. If she was then why would she be asking to come out with you and your new friends? In terms of relationships, I actually see it as a fluid thing. In the sense that anyone can be single or in a relationship at any given time. So that's why I thought it was a bit unusual how you were talking about single people and people in relationships as different species or something lol And yeah there are all sorts of people out there. For example I have a female friend who's been married for 17 years with kids. And I have another female friend who at 39 has never been with anyone whatsoever in any romantic or physical way. But I think most people go in and out of relationships. I don't mean constantly but even if they're in a 10 year relationship, it might end. I don't think most people prioritise romantic relationships, but some do sure. Everyone is different.

Well, first of all, I think five months is actually not that long to date if you're in the Western world. If it's some kind of arranged marriage and you're allowed to spend time together for five months before actually legally marrying then yes it's probably enough time. But in the Western culture five months can really just be a getting to know you phase. Usually people in the West don't rush into relationships and especially not into marriage these days. So after five months someone can say they're not feeling a spark even if you were actually having sex. They were seeing how the relationship goes and decided you weren't the right person. I think where the sex is an issue is that you're saying you won't have sex before marriage. That puts a lot of pressure on the guy to then actually marry you but five months isn't that long to know each other. Especially because you met on a dating app and didn't even know each other before that. So it's different if you were friends or at least acquaintances first. This guy probably didn't just want sex and was OK to wait but he wasn't going to wait forever. If you were being affectionate it's natural he would feel horny. He probably realised that he does want that physical and sexual intimacy. And he can't have it from you. Do you say on your online dating profile what your beliefs about sex are? My advice would be to use Christian dating sites or go to church and meet guys who also want to wait for sex before marriage.

I think with situations like this, it really depends on the actual circumstances. I don't think it's that strange or inappropriate for people to thank medical staff for taking care of them or their loved ones. For example, my Dad died of cancer and he had a very kind, very dedicated male oncologist who treated him for a year. Both my mother and I thought very highly of this doctor. I said to my Mum that I wanted to give the oncologist a thank you card and a box of chocolates. I wasn't interested in him romantically at all but simply wanted to say thank you for everything that he had done for my father to try to save his life. I think in this particular situation, the gesture was more a thank you for nurses week and the fact that OP looked after the guy's Mum. Also she said she grew up with that guy so she knew him. Where I think it would seem suspicious is if she hardly knew the guy and the money wasn't for anything in particular or any occasion. However, this is more a comment about accepting money in general. I think it's a bit different if someone has your address and sends a gift in the mail. Or brings you a gift they already bought. In that sense they already paid for it and already delivered it to you, so it seems rude not to accept. But if someone asks for your bank account details to send you money, you don't actually have to say yes. Even if you're medical staff who helped them but doing this is actually your job which you already get paid for. And in a sense working in the medical field is supposed to be a caring, altruistic sort of job. You don't do the job to get gifts or money for it. So in my opinion it was just a bit in poor taste. I do see some red flags though with the boyfriend interpreting any interaction with any male as flirtatious or romantic. If you're not allowed to say hi to a male acquaintance or interact with anybody male without being accused then it's like walking on eggshells. Which is very rich coming from someone who deliberately follows a lot of random women on social media.

I agree with this. I read your previous post about your boyfriend and to be honest he does sound overly jealous and possessive. It just doesn't really sound like you guys are on the same page regarding having opposite gender friends or talking to the opposite gender. I think it's fine to have male friends and I have a couple. If you run into a male friend and have a quick chat, it doesn't automatically mean you were flirting just because it's a guy. Unless you actually were visibly flirting. Also you said your boyfriend follows a lot of random women online so that's actually different to having male friends or acquaintances. I think in terms of the sending money situation...Your boyfriend reacted very over the top and especially by blocking you. I guess a situation like that really comes down to whether your boyfriend accepts you having male friends and whether this guy actually is your friend. If he is your friend and he sent the money for an occasion (nurses week) then it's not as bad. But if he's not someone you know very well then it does seem odd that he'd send money unless he had some ulterior motives. On your end though, I'm not saying you wanted to be with that guy or you're into him. But I do find it odd that if you could have easily afforded that coffee, why you sent him your cash app details for him to send you the money. It does come across like maybe you were enjoying getting attention. Whether it be because you wanted recognition as a nurse, attention from this guy, or both. But I guess if you took care of his mother and his mother really liked you or something, maybe he really was just trying to be nice. I think you and your boyfriend just rub each other the wrong way. You both don't want each other to talk to opposite gender on social media, but yet you're both actually doing it. Like, if you don't want him following women on social media then you shouldn't really accept money from guys on social media. And vice versa if he doesn't like what you did then he needs to stop following and liking all these women on Instagram. I think it's just not a healthy relationship where you're constantly monitoring his Instagram and he flips out every time you speak to a male.

Well IF this guy seemed good and you weren't finding anything concerning, it would be fine to meet him. I think you could still come for two days and just stay with family. If you have friends and family in the area then you could catch up with them as well. Like, you could meet the guy one day and if you want to see him again, you see him again the next day. But if you don't want to see him again then you just say: "Sorry I didn't feel a click, good luck with everything" and wish him well. I'm not sure if this guy sounds that great though because what he said about beating you up was really lame. But I guess if you'd like to go back home to see family anyway you could meet him and just get peace of mind that at least you tried.

You mentioned that you need to get better at setting boundaries. I think that's a really good idea! I've found that different therapists can have very different approaches. Some therapists don’t say much, ask a few questions and just listen. Some say something about themselves to try to relate to their client. For example if they have something in common. I don't think it's 100% bad but it should really be kept to a minimum. Some therapists will also challenge you more than others. Personally I do prefer a therapist that comments on what I'm saying and challenges me. Rather than just sits back and listens. I don't want them to just be quiet or only repeat what I say. But that's just my personal preference. I think it's fine to set boundaries with your therapist. If you like her overall but you would prefer she didn't talk about herself, it's fine to say that. You’re paying her money so it's your choice how to direct your therapy. As long as it's appropriate. But remember also that it's up to you to do this and not up to your girlfriend.

What has your therapist done that warrants her not being liked? Could you provide what she has said and done specifically?