What are some ways to reignite the spark in a long-term relationship?

The thought of reigniting a long-term relationship can evoke strong emotions of nostalgia, hope and—at times—a sense of dread. Every couple goes through episodes of disconnection and boredom; this is a normal and necessary process for maintaining a healthy relationship. But what happens when those moments of disconnection persist for months—or even years? Can two people who were once connected at the very core of their beings still find their way back to each other?

The temptation to give up can be overwhelming. After all, why cling to a seemingly dying flame when there’s a pleasant warmth being offered by all the new flames around? But one should never forget that a spark between two individuals doesn’t easily ignite, no matter how special those people are. Furthermore, the inseparable feelings of danger and adventure that accompany the pursuit of a new flame don’t often last very long.

The key to reigniting a long-term relationship lies in understanding why that spark seemed to have faded in the first place. There is rarely a single cause. There may have been a fundamental shift in one or both partners’ needs, lack of communication, damaging patterns that had gone unaddressed, or simply weariness brought on by the passage of time.

If this wear and tear has taken root and the partners are no longer the same naïve people who fell in love so many years ago, it may take more than “movie night” and bouquets of flowers to repair what has been broken. A deep and vulnerable exploration is usually necessary to understand each partner’s expectations of the relationship and see if those expectations are still relevant. This type of exploration requires intense honesty and courage, so it’s important to make sure both people feel safe before engaging in such a dialogue.

It may also be beneficial to consider involving third parties such as counselors or family members, who can provide an objective viewpoint and allow the couple to reflect on the structural integrity of their relationship. They may also enable partners to identify and confront any recurring conflicts or power imbalances and bestow them with a different attitude toward dealing with them. Such interventions from outside sources may feel stifling at the beginning, but in the end all of those involved can gain a profoundly expanded perspective on the couple’s dynamic.

Although a relationship does not need to follow a pre-ordained trajectory in order to be valid, a traditional—but balanced—approach to reigniting a long-term relationship might be helpful if consciously examined. Partners should aim to build a mutual understanding and appreciation of each other as they both are right now, as opposed to attempting to “undo” the past or rewrite history. This requires partners to take responsibility and commit to increasing their emotional literacy and communication skills. When it comes to finding ways to reconnect, the options are practically endless. Those could include noticing small details in your partner’s behavior, practicing self-care, going on an adventure (even if it’s just on a staycation!), having fun, establishing boundaries, or seeking guidance from another person in order to better manage emotions or solve problems.

Remember that reigniting a long-term relationship is a process. It isn’t possible to heal overnight, and that’s okay. The truth is that people change, and sometimes relationships change as well. Therefore, a rekindled spark may look vastly different from the original one and sometimes altogether unrecognizable. Regardless of the shape and color sparks may take, people should never forget that within each flicker still lies the courage of two human beings who chose to love, and the tremendous potential for the future.