Is 'Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater' a Universal Truth? 5 Myths Debunked

When we think about infidelity, the age-old saying "once a cheater, always a cheater" often springs to mind. But is there any truth to this saying, or is it an oversimplification of complex human behavior? Let's dig deep and challenge this adage's conventional wisdom.

The Psychology Behind Cheating

With over a decade of experience as a relationship therapist, I've found that cheating is more often a symptom of other issues than the cause. It often stems from an individual's insecurities, a deep-seated need for validation, or even a fear of intimacy.

My first professional encounter with infidelity was with a client named James (name changed for confidentiality), who had cheated on his wife. James, like many who have strayed from their commitment, was riddled with guilt and confusion. His actions were not a result of a lack of love for his spouse, but a symptom of his deep-seated fear of abandonment.

The concept that cheating can be symptomatic of deeper issues suggests that labeling someone a 'perpetual cheater' may be far too simplistic. However, let's dive further into the complexities of infidelity and debunk the myths surrounding it.

Myth 1: Cheating is Always About Sex

The first myth we need to dispel is that cheating is always about seeking physical pleasure. While sex can be an aspect of cheating, it's not always the primary motive. In James's case, it was about seeking a form of validation and affection he felt he wasn't getting in his marriage. A study by Buss and Shackelford showed that lack of emotional satisfaction was a significant factor leading to infidelity. Thus, reducing cheating to a mere carnal desire oversimplifies the complexity of human emotions and motivations.

Myth 2: Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater

The adage we're scrutinizing in this article is the belief that one instance of cheating invariably leads to another. It suggests that once a person has breached trust, they are bound to do it again. But is that accurate?

As a therapist, I've worked with countless couples where an instance of cheating turned into a catalyst for growth and change. For James, his indiscretion led him to face his fears and insecurities. He sought therapy, not only to rebuild his marriage but also to understand and address his issues. Over time, he proved to his spouse and himself that he could change. Therefore, writing off a person as a perpetual cheater after one mistake is not only unfair but also unconstructive.

Myth 3: Cheating is the End of a Relationship

Another common belief is that infidelity marks the end of a relationship. While it's true that cheating can shatter trust, it's not always a relationship's death knell. Many couples, like James and his wife, work through the hurt and betrayal to build an even stronger bond. It takes time, patience, and commitment, but it is indeed possible.

Myth 4: Cheaters Cannot Change

This myth is closely linked to the second one, suggesting that a person who cheats is incapable of change. However, from my professional experience and research, this isn't always the case. In a study conducted by Dr. M. Gary Neuman, it was found that 92% of men said it wasn't primarily the sex that led them to cheat but emotional disconnection. And over 70% never cheated again.

So, it is possible for a person who has cheated to learn, grow, and never repeat their mistake. Change is indeed challenging, but with sincere effort, accountability, and, at times, professional help, it can be achieved.

Myth 5: All Cheaters are Bad People

Lastly, the idea that all cheaters are inherently bad people is a prevalent misconception. However, it fails to account for the complex emotional, psychological, and circumstantial factors that can lead to infidelity. Labeling someone as 'bad' is reductive and can deter the healing process. As humans, we are all susceptible to making mistakes. What's crucial is acknowledging these errors, learning from them, and striving not to repeat them.

Looking at the numerous couples I've worked with, like James and his wife, and the significant body of research on this subject, it's clear that the adage 'once a cheater, always a cheater' is an oversimplification of a complex issue. Yes, some people may repeat their mistakes, but many others learn, grow, and change. Understanding this distinction is crucial for couples dealing with infidelity and for our broader perception of this sensitive topic.

Dispelling the Oversimplification

To reduce the complex phenomenon of cheating to a mere phrase is to ignore the intricate nuances that define human behavior. As I've experienced in my career, the 'once a cheater, always a cheater' saying does not hold true in every case. People can change, relationships can heal, and individuals can learn from their mistakes.

Does this mean that every cheater will change? Not necessarily. But it does indicate that it is possible and not as rare as we might think. Rather than labeling and discarding, a more constructive approach involves understanding, compassion, and support for those willing to change. Infidelity isn't a one-size-fits-all issue, and our discourse around it should reflect that complexity.

As we part, let's remember that every person, every relationship, and every act of infidelity carries its unique story. Blanket statements and judgment seldom help. What helps is empathy, understanding, and, above all, a willingness to acknowledge that human emotions and actions are more complex than catchy phrases and stereotypes.

Further Reading

If you're interested in exploring this topic further, I recommend the following books:

• "The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity" by Esther Perel
• "Not 'Just Friends': Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity" by Shirley P. Glass
• "After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful" by Janis A. Spring