Why get married if you are a cheat?

[PuPs]

Hi guys,I am not a very happy Man hey,

I'm married for 14years and I have 4 children with my wife.

I found out she was  cheating on me when I looked through her phone,destroyed me I must say. I felt a hurt that I've never felt before,reading what I've read and te thoughts going on inside my head unbelievable,can't imagine anyone going through that feeling.

The thing that scares me is that she was shielding him cause of I kept saying she should call him as at the time I needed to inform his wife,my wife said to me why do I want to break up someone's home, I mean really! She called him Mr. Watson and he was told that her period was late damn it's so difficult speaking about this ***,he then replied and said the baby is his and not mine.

I can't do this I thought I could *** I really thought I could I'm sorry guys.

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, PuPs said:

.I found out she was  cheating on me when I looked through her phone,destroyed me I must say. 

! She called him Mr. Watson and he was told that her period was late damn it's so difficult speaking about this ***,he then replied and said the baby is his and not mine.

Sorry this is happening. How long have you been suspicious and what were the signs that led you to examine her phone? 

How is your relationship otherwise as far as intimacy and any other inappropriate incidents? 

Please privately and confidentiality consult a therapist for ongoing support and be navigating this psychologically. Especially with children involved.

Please also consult an attorney privately and confidentiality for advice information and support regarding your situation. 

She admits to the affair but does she plan to continue? 

[Coily]

Man oh man, I'm sorry to read this.

You need to talk to a lawyer now. Document everything can, especially when there's a question about paternity. 

It doesn't matter one wit what the relationship was before discovering her cheating.  There is NO justification or excuses cheating,  none.

It will also be difficult,  but don't leave your home. She can leave, like she left you and your children; but you need to move into a guest room. This is for your kids, and their future, not this woman.

There is a path forward for you and your kids as a family.  You just have to come to terms with this new reality. 

I wish you the best,

 

[catfeeder]

I agree with the suggestions to seek legal advice. Learn all of your options, along with the best steps you can take for each option. Then you can make decisions based on real information rather than operating on emotions alone.

I would hold off on informing the man's spouse about this. Instead, I'd inform wife that I've filed a document containing the information with my attorney in case anything should happen to me.

[Kwothe28]

I would not only ask for divorce. But do DNA test for all 4 kids. If 1 isnt yours there is a huge possibility some other might also not be, sorry. You would have to find out that in court. Which would hopefully provide you with some evidence not to get fleeced during divorce.

As to why she would cheat, eh, who knows? Some women like a "provider" when they choose who to marry. Somebody they know he would take care of them. Which sadly doesnt mean they are satisfied in other things. So they seek that satisfaction outside of marriage.  

[smackie9]

Many married people find solace in another's arms for many different reasons. Only she can answer your question. I feel the most common is a way to escape from the ordinary. The thrill, feeling alive, dopamine rush (which is addictive). Her head is stuffed far up her a$$ over it she's gonna deny/protect her addiction. 

I know you are trying to get your head around this, it's very destressing especially when you have your family to think about....the future is so unknown. Everyone is right. You need to seek out legal counsel, and separate. Make sure you communicate well and reassuringly to your children. Work on fair shared custody. I feel horrible for you...your everything that you have ever known is gone. That's so heartbreaking. I wish you well, and hope for the future. 

[ShySoul]

How long do you believe this has been going on? Have there been other issues in the marriage? Without more information on her or your relationship, don't think it's fair to judge her to harshly for her actions.

I believe cheating is a way of distracting yourself from facing other issues that you may not want to face. For her, there is something missing, either in the relationship or simply within her. There is a hole in her life and she's trying to fill it. Perhaps after 14 years of marriage and raising four children, she's longing for something else to break out of the routine of being wife and mother? How much else does she have going on? Does she work? Have any close friends? Activities that are just for her and not about the family? Maybe she's missing the excitement of her younger days. It could be any number of reasons, and it probably isn't aimed at hurting you.

That, of course, doesn't make it right or make it hurt any less. While I understand the pain you must be in, please try to be civil. At this point, I think the top prioirty should be doing what's best for the children. They are innocent in all this and are the ones that need to be taken care of. They can also be the bright spot that brings you joy in an otherwise bad time. 

And I would tell the other guys wife, if she doesn't know already. It's not fair to her to be left in the dark. Their home is already broken, she just hasn't been informed of it yet.

 

[PuPs]

On 5/3/2024 at 1:46 AM, Coily said:

Man oh man, I'm sorry to read this.

You need to talk to a lawyer now. Document everything can, especially when there's a question about paternity. 

It doesn't matter one wit what the relationship was before discovering her cheating.  There is NO justification or excuses cheating,  none.

It will also be difficult,  but don't leave your home. She can leave, like she left you and your children; but you need to move into a guest room. This is for your kids, and their future, not this woman.

There is a path forward for you and your kids as a family.  You just have to come to terms with this new reality. 

I wish you the best,

 

Thank you so much for replying,  this reply means alot,I am actually sleeping in my car at the moment.

[PuPs]

18 hours ago, ShySoul said:

How long do you believe this has been going on? Have there been other issues in the marriage? Without more information on her or your relationship, don't think it's fair to judge her to harshly for her actions.

I believe cheating is a way of distracting yourself from facing other issues that you may not want to face. For her, there is something missing, either in the relationship or simply within her. There is a hole in her life and she's trying to fill it. Perhaps after 14 years of marriage and raising four children, she's longing for something else to break out of the routine of being wife and mother? How much else does she have going on? Does she work? Have any close friends? Activities that are just for her and not about the family? Maybe she's missing the excitement of her younger days. It could be any number of reasons, and it probably isn't aimed at hurting you.

That, of course, doesn't make it right or make it hurt any less. While I understand the pain you must be in, please try to be civil. At this point, I think the top prioirty should be doing what's best for the children. They are innocent in all this and are the ones that need to be taken care of. They can also be the bright spot that brings you joy in an otherwise bad time. 

And I would tell the other guys wife, if she doesn't know already. It's not fair to her to be left in the dark. Their home is already broken, she just hasn't been informed of it yet.

 

Yes she does work,even at work 1st I could call her anytime and there was no problem,2022 it started when she did not answer her phone at a certain time, then I would get a message saying she is going for a meeting okay cool,not long there after she sends me a message saying she had gotten bad news and that she wants to be alone and I shouldn't bother her for the rest of the day,then couple of days later I find a msg from her "Manager" asking where she is and that she should go to him and the times all thus is happening I'm trying to call and she never answered my calls,so the time when they spoke os the time I tried calling.

I asked her if we could speak as I had a lot to speak about,when I ask her if she is seeing someone else or kissing someone else,if she is affectionate with another person cause it is not coming my way she gets very defensive,shouts,screams at me and blames me for cheating and telling me that I don't trust her and how can I even think of her that way it's like a major thing that happens,this why I've stopped asking about it and I keep my shut up for my shut up.

When I want to kiss her with like really kiss her as we did before she pulls away from me saying she can't breath and her nose is blocked,so yes I never know that a person's nose could be blocked for more then a year.

[PuPs]

On 5/3/2024 at 9:26 PM, smackie9 said:

Many married people find solace in another's arms for many different reasons. Only she can answer your question. I feel the most common is a way to escape from the ordinary. The thrill, feeling alive, dopamine rush (which is addictive). Her head is stuffed far up her a$$ over it she's gonna deny/protect her addiction. 

I know you are trying to get your head around this, it's very destressing especially when you have your family to think about....the future is so unknown. Everyone is right. You need to seek out legal counsel, and separate. Make sure you communicate well and reassuringly to your children. Work on fair shared custody. I feel horrible for you...your everything that you have ever known is gone. That's so heartbreaking. I wish you well, and hope for the future. 

We've dated for 8 years and married for 14 years so we've been together for 22 years so yes i truly am trying to wrap my head around this,I really thought we had gone through a lot and enough hurt,pain suffering and stuff we were one of those couples that many had admired,people looked at us and said that they would want to be us you know. Guys used to come to me and ask me what the trick was in keeping my relationship that happy and stuff,I still open the car's door for her,she doesn't really hold my hand when we take a walk.

[PuPs]

On 5/3/2024 at 9:14 AM, Kwothe28 said:

I would not only ask for divorce. But do DNA test for all 4 kids. If 1 isnt yours there is a huge possibility some other might also not be, sorry. You would have to find out that in court. Which would hopefully provide you with some evidence not to get fleeced during divorce.

As to why she would cheat, eh, who knows? Some women like a "provider" when they choose who to marry. Somebody they know he would take care of them. Which sadly doesnt mean they are satisfied in other things. So they seek that satisfaction outside of marriage.  

This is where it gets complicated and very difficult for me, I honestly don't think I would can handle it if ever I to find out that 1 or all of these precious babies that calls me Dad is not mine,*** I think I'll flip hey just the thought of it rattles me.

[PuPs]

On 5/2/2024 at 11:36 PM, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. How long have you been suspicious and what were the signs that led you to examine her phone? 

How is your relationship otherwise as far as intimacy and any other inappropriate incidents? 

Please privately and confidentiality consult a therapist for ongoing support and be navigating this psychologically. Especially with children involved.

Please also consult an attorney privately and confidentiality for advice information and support regarding your situation. 

She admits to the affair but does she plan to continue? 

Body language,she'd always have an excuse to be with me or even lay next to me.

I have not been intimate with my wife for 1 and a half years if it's not 2 years already. I would fetch the kids in the morning take them to school and leave work in the afternoon to pick them up and drop them at home then I would go back to work and just try working till about 23:00 everyday weekend included,I've never felt so alone before as I've never been alone.

 

[PuPs]

So on Saturday I met up with Mr. Watson guys he was at the mall with hus wife and children.

I was so excited when I seen him cause I told him that Mohammad Allie not even Mike Tyson has ever hit or hurt someone the way I am going to do to you,I ws going ib for the kill heart racing,butterflies in my stomach......guys! you guys will never guess what happened I'm still trying to except and understand why,how,*** just happened.

 

My wife holds my hand stands in between myself and her lover and says to me that I should not do this to her,I should respect her and not put her in a spotlight,that I should except move on and forgive, I ended up leaving her at the mall as I was full of tears how could my better half do that to me infront of this guy my ego dropped my inner man hood escaped out of my body I did not get my satisfaction I promised the guy a beating and I was blocked once again he won and got away with it,my wife ended up being more upset then I was,well after crying and smoking more then 10 cigarettes in 15min time I started up my car and done something I never thought I would do,I left my wife at the mall and switched off my phone.

She has been calling me the whole day today and I never answered.

 

What do I do? How to I deal with this situation?

She now asked me to go for marriage counseling, I truly don't know my way forward from here on. I am dumb struck.

[smackie9]

15 minutes ago, PuPs said:

So on Saturday I met up with Mr. Watson guys he was at the mall with hus wife and children.

I was so excited when I seen him cause I told him that Mohammad Allie not even Mike Tyson has ever hit or hurt someone the way I am going to do to you,I ws going ib for the kill heart racing,butterflies in my stomach......guys! you guys will never guess what happened I'm still trying to except and understand why,how,*** just happened.

 

My wife holds my hand stands in between myself and her lover and says to me that I should not do this to her,I should respect her and not put her in a spotlight,that I should except move on and forgive, I ended up leaving her at the mall as I was full of tears how could my better half do that to me infront of this guy my ego dropped my inner man hood escaped out of my body I did not get my satisfaction I promised the guy a beating and I was blocked once again he won and got away with it,my wife ended up being more upset then I was,well after crying and smoking more then 10 cigarettes in 15min time I started up my car and done something I never thought I would do,I left my wife at the mall and switched off my phone.

She has been calling me the whole day today and I never answered.

 

What do I do? How to I deal with this situation?

She now asked me to go for marriage counseling, I truly don't know my way forward from here on. I am dumb struck.

What to do or your next step will be up to you. Maybe have some communication with her and time to think before you decide.

[ShySoul]

43 minutes ago, PuPs said:

She now asked me to go for marriage counseling, I truly don't know my way forward from here on. I am dumb struck.

Do you still see any way you could be with her, knowing everything you currently know? If you can, then try the counseling. Professional help would probably be able to help both of you understand and address the feelings the two of you are going through right now. It would probably be able to bring to light issues that the two of you might not be seeing. And even if things don't work out, it might be good to help you process everything. If you do go through with it, be clear that BOTH of you are going to need to approach it with full honesty and openness for there to be the hope of improving your situation.

This is a personal choice though. The only one that can decide what is best for you, is you. If you decide you can't accept what she's done, then there is no shame in ending things.

53 minutes ago, PuPs said:

how could my better half do that to me infront of this guy my ego dropped my inner man hood escaped out of my body I did not get my satisfaction I promised the guy a beating and I was blocked once again he won and got away with it,

I understand that you are hurting and angry. I get that there must be a rage building up in you and that you probably want to scream and punch something (well, someone). But is violence really going to solve anything? Beyond that momentary sense of relief, does it make the situation better? She will still have cheated and you will still be faced with trying to figure out what happened. She will be more likely to defend him, using your actions as justification for hers and turning things back on you. He will get to play the role of victim, claiming you are a brute who just attacked him. He could claim that's why your wife didn't want to be with you. Even if it's all nonsense, you'd just be giving them material they can use against you. And sadly, a lot of people are likely to buy it.

Even removing them from this, is that the kind of role model you want to be for the children? Teach them that violence is the way to work out there problems? That ego and proving your manhood is how to get satisfaction? 

Plus, who says he got aways with it? Do we know what his wife and children thought of all this? His wife might be asking him questions now and he might be having to answer to her.

[Wiseman2]

Please consult an attorney for information advice and support. Please keep your cool no matter what and don't do anything that will get you in trouble legally such as confronting this guy and trying to have an altercation. You're jeopardizing yourself and your children. 

[catfeeder]

27 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You're jeopardizing yourself and your children. 

I agree. What the hell, OP? Your answer to your wife's deception as a responsible citizen and family man is to threaten assault, and go attempt it? Really?

Look, Dad. The future of your children and your relationship with them rides on your ability to keep your head, exercise self control, AND manage your adult self like a reasoning human being.

Countless folks have advised you to seek legal advice. If you're not willing to start there to learn the realities of what you potentially face, as opposed to getting yourself thrown into prison, then how can a bunch of strangers on an Internet forum help you?

Either you are smart enough to direct your intelligence toward finding a reasonable course of action that preserves your access to your own children, or you are too invested in acting like a brute to consider that.

Your call.

[ShySoul]

4 hours ago, PuPs said:

We've dated for 8 years and married for 14 years so we've been together for 22 years so yes i truly am trying to wrap my head around this,I really thought we had gone through a lot and enough hurt,pain suffering and stuff we were one of those couples that many had admired,

My parents divorced after being together for 25 years. They essentially raised three boys - their child (me) and her two sons from prior relationships. They had been through a lot as well. Outside observers probably couldn't see all the problems that were there. But there were problems, believe me. And I think both my parents knew that, they just managed to avoid dealing with it for a long time. But at some point it gets to be too much. My mother was the one who saw she had to do something different. It wasn't pretty and all parties could have handled it better. But in the long run, it was better for them. 

As blindsided as you might feel by this, things haven't been well for some time. Sounds like you both avoided the topic. She shut down on being intimate or physical. You buried yourself in work. It masked the real feelings underneath.  But again, it got to be too much. Things were bound to come out eventually. The question know is how do you both choose to deal with it? 

For your sake, and especially for your children's, please try to be mature and respectful. I can say from experience, that it's not good when people aren't. Acting out of pain, anger, and fear only creates more problems. It's okay to have all those feelings. It's okay to be hurting and confused. But you can't let those emotions control you. If you need to, take time to be alone and calm down. Then try to go over things peacefully. Figure out what you want and what you can handle. And yes, explore legal options as well.

Right now everything is fresh and you're probably.feeling a lot of different things. Don't rush in any direction and do something you might regret. Take time to sort things out for yourself.

And know that we want the best for you. I'm sorry you have to go through this at all.

 

[Coily]

You need to start thinking strategically, while beating this guy to a pulp would be cathartic what will that get you in the long game? Your cheating wife getting full custody of YOUR kids, and this guy getting to sue you or other legal problems.

What I recommend is backing off of vengeance and going for revenge. What should that look like, using her cheating to seek full or primary shared custody of your children. Law-fare is your ultimate tool here, use it to maximum effect. It is far better right not to lay hands on this jerk. You could even seek legal remedy against this guy for the costs of your divorce, it may not have good standing, but it will draw him into legal troubles.

Also with the evidence you need to collect have your lawyer get into contact with this man's wife, don't do this yourself. But let him answer to his likely angry wife and suffer those consequences. Ruin his life legally, and without raising a fist.

 

[Kwothe28]

19 hours ago, PuPs said:

What do I do? How to I deal with this situation?

 

Seek a lawyer, divorce a cheater and a liar and ask for DNA test for the kids so you would know how many of them are actually yours.

There is really no need to be theatrical about it and beat somebody. You can solve all that with non- violent means. Also, no marriage counseling unless its mandated by court. There is really no need in your situation.

[arjumand]

Forget the DNA test -- what is the point? You love them, you raised them, they are yours. And what, you are going to ruin one of their lives by telling them that a stranger is their "father?" 

Focus on the important stuff -- a good lawyer. Document. And feel free to go to marital therapy -- it may help the two of you have a safe, amicable divorce that puts your children through as little angst as possible. 

[PuPs]

On 5/6/2024 at 2:45 AM, catfeeder said:

I agree. What the hell, OP? Your answer to your wife's deception as a responsible citizen and family man is to threaten assault, and go attempt it? Really?

Look, Dad. The future of your children and your relationship with them rides on your ability to keep your head, exercise self control, AND manage your adult self like a reasoning human being.

Countless folks have advised you to seek legal advice. If you're not willing to start there to learn the realities of what you potentially face, as opposed to getting yourself thrown into prison, then how can a bunch of strangers on an Internet forum help you?

Either you are smart enough to direct your intelligence toward finding a reasonable course of action that preserves your access to your own children, or you are too invested in acting like a brute to consider that.

Your call.

Thank you so much catfeeder straight forward we'll said I really appreciate what you said and how it was said this really made me the better and bigger person I am,Respect