How to Find Peace After an Affair

Dear eNotAlone: I recently ended a months-long affair I was having with someone and it's been incredibly hard. I feel terrible and guilty and can't seem to cope with the shame of what I've done. I'm married, so what I did went directly against my vows. But I feel like I'm stuck in an endless cycle of throwing myself under the bus for all kinds of things that either lead up to this affair or resulting from it. How do I manage to find peace with myself in the wake of such behavior?

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It's understandable to experience guilt and shame after ending an affair. And it's important to remember that your feelings about what you did are totally valid—you have every right to be feeling such emotions. However, it is possible to break the cycle and move forward in a way that allows you to accept your decisions and still find peace with yourself. Here are some suggestions to help you do just that.

First off, know that everyone makes mistakes—it's a perfectly natural part of life. You're not the first or the last person to make them. You may feel incredibly guilty and ashamed now, but that doesn't need to be your constant state or existency. As difficult as it may seem right now, you can come out of this experience with a newfound understanding of your own strength and will.

The next step is to forgive yourself. This is arguably the hardest yet most important step when attempting to move on from any mistake. Guilt is a heavy emotion and it won't just fade away on its own. Instead, look at the self-blame head-on and accept that although it's a harsh reality, what's done is done. Now, you need to move on and focus on finding peace and closure.

You also need to look inward and attempt to figure out what led you down the path of an affair in the first place. Was there something in your relationship that was missing or that you were searching for? Understanding and recognizing why the affair happened can help you find a way to make sure it never happens again.

Once you've identified the thoughts and feelings that contributed to the affair, it's time to start mending the relationships in your life so that you can begin to find peace. Make sure to communicate with your spouse or partner, letting them know that you are willing to work on the marriage and open to doing whatever it takes to restore what's been broken. Explaining why it happened in the first place can also help, as it shows them that you've taken the time to understand what led to you to the affair.

Focus on returning to the values that are important to you. Many affairs are instigated by powerful emotions that, in the moment, overpower our better judgment. In order to protect against this in the future, define the values most important to you and hold yourself accountable to them. That way, regardless of how situations may play out in the future, your values remain in tact and you can rest assured that you'll always make sound and moral decisions.

Living with the guilt and shame of cheating can be incredibly difficult, but it is possible to move on and live a happier—and more honest—life. Make sure to use the tools provided here to forgive yourself and begin to work towards fully reconciling with the affair. The peace you'll eventually experience will be more than worth it.