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  1. #1
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    Is my boyfriend lying when he says he doesn't watch porn?

    I have the most wonderful boyfriend in the world - the two of us have so much in common and are uncannilly linked in so many ways - however, we have this one nagging problem... When I first met him he told me about how he used to watch porn all the time which I figured was something all guys do from everything I've ever read on the subject. Not soon after we met and started being boyfriend/girlfriend did I notice something odd happening.

    First of all he lives in Canada, and I in the US, so when we aren't together we have "sex" on the webcam. Basically we masturbate for each other and it is a lot of fun and makes me feel better as I'm sure it does him.

    However, after we had been together for a few months, the frequency of these video escapades started to drop off. In the beginning it was every night or every other night, then it was more like every two-four nights. Now, from what he's told me time and again about the frequency of his desires, he needs to *take care of business* in some form or another every other day at least. If he's not doing this with me the only thing I can think is he's pleasuring himself to porn like the old days.

    He gets very upset and very defensive when I bring this up saying he never does that, that he saves himself for me. He basically turns the tables and starts blaming me for being untrusting. He says he doesn't do stuff by himself because he wouldn't want to "ruin things with us" by doing things on his own and then not being able to with me. I think this would be a very nice gesture, if it were really true.

    He also claims to have low testosterone levels even though he's never had them checked, and thinks he has some sort of erectile dysfunction stemming from stress or whatnot.

    He is perfectly healthy, and how much stress could someone like him have? He basically has no responsibilities, financial or otherwise! Please help me, I don't know what to do here. He will never admit looking at porn even if he did it all day long - I know this because I know how he is. I can't stand the fact that he may be lying to me. We want to get married someday in the not too distant future and I don't want a lying or maybe even *god forbid* cheating boyfriend grrrr. The guy I was with before him cheated on me numerous times with cyber sex relationships. If anyone has any advice or experience I'm all ears.

    - Frustrated in New York

  2. #2
    This may sound crazy but I know a few men who really don't watch porns. They may have seen one or two but they like the real thing and they don't really want to tease themselves...ya know. Trust him, until you catch him looking at it..then you'll see. But he may be telling you the truth. :BIG:

  3. #3
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    I once looked at porn myself but no longer do. I guess it has been more than a year now since I have even just looked at it... wow, never thought about that, heh.

    From the day I met my girlfriend (now ex-girlfriend), I went several months without even masturbating. That was quite an accomplishment in itself. I ended up starting to do it... thinking about her, you don't need any sort of porn to watch... just an imagination. Btw, we were also long distance. After a about 6 months fromt he start of our relationship, we both came to terms with ourselves sexual desires for each other, we told each other... how we had done these things in the past, imagining one another. We began to do things on the internet such as yourself.

    I remember how after we started doing things... I went from masturbating every couple of weeks to every few days.

    Anyway, moral of the story, it does NOT require porn. Just a good imagination.

  4. #4
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    If he says that he was into porn before, I doubt that he threw away all his porn movies just because he got with you. I watch my porn here and there, but I would NEVER, EVER tell my g/f about it, but I don't feel guilty about it either. I don't consider that cheating or anything. I love my g/f more than anything in the world, and looking at porn doesn't change that.

    Pretty much most men look at porn, but some men are more excessive then others. I know guys who have Gigs of porn movies on their PCs. Me? I just have enough to keep me out of trouble

    Anyhow, I think that you should drop that subject altogether. If your suspicion of watching porn is the only bad part of your relationship, than you're lucky. I love my girl and I would never lie to her or cheat or do anything behind her back, but I would NEVER admit that I have porn on my PC. Men don't look at porn and think, "wow, I would leave my girl if I was to get with the girl in this porno". Yeah, we think the chicks are hot, but in reality if one of the chicks I saw in one of the movies knocked on my door, I would NOT do anything with that chick. I would think about how many guys already banged and violated that chick. Porn is just fantasy.. Are you mad about him lying to you about the porn, or are you mad of the thought of him masturbating behind your back? That's normal guy stuff that sometimes we don't even admit that we do to each other.
    Be happy, enjoy your relationship, and try to just let it go..

  5. #5
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    Even if he does I don't see it as a big deal. Well unless he has huge stacks of the stuff and would rather watch it then be with you.

    As a guy who has watched it

    Its pretty much about 'downtime', no guy i have ever known will go home early from a party to watch porn, or watch porn during half time of a football game.

    In short --- even if he does, I wouldn't really worry about it unless it starts to influence your relationship adversly.

  6. #6
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    Maybe the problem does lie more with me than him, I've been kind of messed up emotionally and mentally because of the guy I was with before him. He's much nicer than my ex and while he does have a bit of an anger problem, it's not anywhere near as bad as someone who's calling you names and yelling at you all the time.

    I used to watch porn myself once in awhile, so I can't say people who do that are wrong of course hehe. I just get disgusted when I think of him doing it now, because of my bad experience with that I guess. I was used to someone who would get up earlier than me in the morning just to sneak in the computer room to watch it or do it when I'm in the shower, etc. I had to rattle my keys before coming in the apartment just so he'd have enough warning that I didn't have to walk in on it. And no, I don't think all guys are like that, I know most are very normal and don't have that much of an obsession with it.

    You guys wouldn't believe the stupid things my ex would do. He bought a webcam which he never used when I was around. I thought it was weird, but not as weird as when I'd come home from class and that thing (which was sitting on a shelf next to his monitor) would always be pointing to the seat of his chair. And then there are the times I'd walk in and either actually see him frantically closing video windows, or the computer would be in the process of rebooting, dog barking because of him rushing around, and he'd have just ran into the bathroom and shut the door. I mean, wow, how stupid can one guy be? It wasn't like I was keeping a secret about when I'd be home from class.

    With the new guy, I just can't seem to get this out of my head. I can't see myself leaving him over it, it's just something that bothers me. I would probably have this problem with most guys. I keep trying to tell myself to just get over it, but I haven't made any progress. I don't consider watching porn videos cheating either, only if you're masturbating to a live person, then that is going a little far.

    I thank you all for your responses, it does help to talk about it with others.

  7. #7
    Bronze Member bleeder's Avatar
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    Hi Lilnygirl,

    I am sad to hear of what you are going through. It seems to me like your boyfriend is using porn as an outlet rather than being actively into it. Then again, it is hard to draw the line at times.

    Discuss with him about your insecurities in regard to this issue. Make him understand that it is not healthy for your relationship when porn takes such a leading role here. I don't think that anyone, guy or gal, can take it when their partner is into porn for the wrong reasons.

    Be patient and see how he takes to your thoughts. All the best and keep us posted.
    :: An honest man's pillow is his peace of mind :: Minutes To Memories :: John Mellencamp ::

  8. #8
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    Bleeder,

    Thank you for your kind words. I think you might be confused who I was talking about in that last message. My ex boyfriend was the one whose life was consumed with pornography. My current boyfriend doesn't have that kind of an obsession, it's just that I don't know if he's telling me the truth when he says he doesn't look at porn. I think if he does do it and would tell me that he does I would at least feel a bit better... however I still have a (probably unhealthy) problem with him even doing it now and again just because of what I've gone through before.

    I say this because in my first relationship, the thought of that guy doing anything behind my back never even entered my brain. I don't think I would have cared either. It's like when someone has a bad experience with a kind of food and gets really sick, they don't want to eat that food again, at least for a long time. Maybe time will heal this wound too.

  9. #9
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    be good!

    I think that you should just believe in him. If he really has an erection problem at a young age, like in his early twenties, it could be due to stress, of not seeing you -- of not liking the webcam thing any more, maybe he has classes that are starting, maybe he wants to get a job and feels insecure--there are thousands of reasons why he maybe telling you the truth.
    Prepare for tomorrow, not tomorrow, but today.

  10. #10
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    Yes, actually I think I really do believe him when he says he doesn't look at porn, at least most of the time. However, something concerning just happened.. I was in a chat room with him and other people, - the one we met in and always hang out in - and there is someone that we know in there who recently threw out and deleted a few hundred gigs of porn they had on their hard drive and on cds. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but wouldn't this be considered a porn addiction? Not being an expert myself I can only go on the gut feeling that once you have amassed a stack of cds that you can't hold in both hands, you have a problem.

    Now I don't care what this person does with their time. It is up to them to deal with this problem, and I think that getting rid of all of that is a good first step. My boyfriend however acts as if this is no big deal. I bring up to him in a private message that the reason why this guy is having trouble meeting girls is probably because he's spending too much time with the porn. He basically shrugs it off and acts like it's normal for this guy. And then he acts weird when I ask him why he doesn't think that's a big deal?!

    If he doesn't look at porn like he tells me then why would he be defending this addicts actions? I don't think he does, I just think he's being stupid by not telling me how he feels about it. I think it is sad, I feel bad for the guy and hope he gets help. I wish my boyfriend would stop freaking out at me when stuff like this happens because it really does concern me and I'd really like to know how he feels without it turning into an immediate argument every time.

    What's even maybe worse is that now he is starting to not believe me about the horrible things my ex would do to abuse me. He now is starting to think I was making that all up.

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