He's left me but I don't know if he means it...?

We're both 18, been together for 3 years.

He broke up with me yesterday.

Things were wonderful, then about a month ago we started to grow apart. His reason for breaking up with me was that I moan too much and he's fed up of the arguing and he'll be happier without the aggravation.

Around the time when things started getting bad I changed to a new contraceptive pill called 'cerelle'. It's brought my mood right down when I was perfectly fine before. I'm also nearly failing my college course and the deadline is in a few weeks, this grade affects my entire life and my chance to get into university so I'm incredibly stressed and every little thing is getting to me. I've taken it out on him and I know none of this is an excuse for that.

He's been saying for a day or two that he's unhappy and he doesn't know what to do. Then I called him and asked him to give me an answer there and then of what was happening because I didn't want to be strung along if he didn't want to be with me and he broke up with me.

I was supposed to be going over to his that night to stay over and I knew that he'd only said he wanted to leave me in the heat of the moment because he was angry so I went over to talk to him.

He said he still loved me, he hugged me and kissed me and then pulled away and kept telling himself he couldn't do that. I kept asking him if he wanted me to leave and he said no, we acted as though everything was normal and then he said he was still leaving me, I said did he want me to go and he just kept saying no because he knew that once I walked out that door I wouldn't see or speak to him ever again if a break up was what he wanted.

He bought me food and cuddled me on the sofa, we were laughing and talking and he asked me to stay the night so I did, nothing happened between us.

Anyway then in the morning I asked if he was still breaking up with me and he said yes and then left for his driving lesson.

I just don't understand why he pretended everything was normal but then still left me? He always makes decisions when he's angry and then ends up regretting it. And I said to him that if he really means this then he's never going to see me or be able to speak to me again and he kept saying yes he would because he wants me to do an Apprenticeship at his Dad's work and he said he'll still help me with my work for college if I need it.

If he really wanted to break up surely he wouldn't want to see me? He said that if we don't see each other that's my choice but he's made that choice for me by breaking up with me.

I just don't get it.

You are an energy drain and he simply got tired of it. He doesn't hate you but he hates your attitude.

I actually came really close to breaking up with my current girlfriend for the same reasons. She was finishing up Vet School and was super stressed about nearly everything and it manifested into constant gripes, complaints, and really trivial arguments. Even they weren't directed at my all the time, it drained the hell out of me. When she graduated and got her new job and it continued, I had one foot out the door and my other off the ground. And at that point, you lose the energy to even sit down and talk about it. You just want to say nothing and leave.

Very fortunately for us, a switch must have flipped in her head and things have been great for the 8 months since I was ready to leave. She still has gripes about work and such, but nothing I consider unhealthy.

As partners, we should make allowances for stressful situations like what my girlfirend was going through or what you're going through, but at the end of the day, stress happens, and knowing how to cope with it in a way that's healthy for both you and your partner isn't an unreasonable standard to hold.

If you can come at him with a plan to cope with your stress (find a new BC option, get tutoring, etc., etc.), he might be willing to give you a shot.

The fact that you are failing college points to a long standing issue...like the entire length of the semester.

Look, you are 18, the likelihood that this guy was "the one" is very,very low. The fact that he let go of a three-year relationship because of one tough month speaks volumes. Any guy who actually cared about you would have tried to help you through the tough time and only thought about breaking up is things did not get better after an extended period of time.

I completely understand why he's left me, I don't want to be around myself either at the moment but I don't have a choice haha.

I feel like whatever I say to him now won't make a difference and he'll still leave me anyway.

I'm just so annoyed with myself for taking it out on him and I just wish I'd realised what I was doing sooner.

I just don't know how to go about asking him for another chance to prove to him that I'm going to work on how I handle stress in the future? He really means a lot to me and I don't want to make him feel drained I want to make him happy but I don't know how to communicate any of this because I have a feeling he'll just shut me out and not respond.

First you have to learn how to handle stress. Telling him you are going to work on it will fall on deaf ears. Because nothing has changed at all except the fact that he isn't willing to listen to you anymore.

Look, you are 18, the likelihood that this guy was "the one" is very,very low. The fact that he let go of a three-year relationship because of one tough month speaks volumes. Any guy who actually cared about you would have tried to help you through the tough time and only thought about breaking up is things did not get better after an extended period of time.

There's no way of telling something will only last a month, three months, a year, etc., etc.

We should absolutely afford our partners allowances for stressful times. But you can only be an emotional anchor and punching bag for so long before you lose your sanity. I'm assuming the boyfriend has his own classes and other stresses to deal with.

This is not necessarily true.

 

There's no way of telling something will only last a month, three months, a year, etc., etc.

 

We should absolutely afford our partners allowances for stressful times. But you can only be an emotional anchor and punching bag for so long before you lose your sanity. I'm assuming the boyfriend has his own classes and other stresses to deal with.

I just think a three-year relationship deserve more allowance then a month of stree to break it. I just went through an insane month finishing graduate school. If I had been dating something and they broke up with me because I was stressed out I would have no internest in getting back together with them.

OP is failing all of her classes. It would appear that the problem is several months in the making.

I live in the UK, and at college you generally only take one subject, the problem hasn't been happening for months because I passed all of my other classes, but the last one is very intense, you get 5 months to do a project which makes up your entire grade for the past 2 years so it's a very stressful time, the problems have only been happening in the past month because the deadline is getting closer and closer.

OP is failing all of her classes. It would appear that the problem is several months in the making.

Could be. But in her post she says that problems started about a month ago. Whether that is true, we can't know, so I'm just going by what she states.

Again, I'm thinking of my experience this past year. Almost everyone in my program except me is in a long term relationship. Their SO had to deal with a year of them being very stressed out and all of them made it through. Now all relationships are different of course and its just my opinion that if this guy could not deal with one months where things were less then perfect he's probably not the one for the OP.

I just think a three-year relationship deserve more allowance then a month of stree to break it. I just went through an insane month finishing graduate school. If I had been dating something and they broke up with me because I was stressed out I would have no internest in getting back together with them.

From my experiences, people who use "I was going through x at this time" as an excuse for why they essentially psychologically abused their partners for whatever period of time will typically find themselves in yet another *one-off stressful situation* again soon.

And when I refer to these stressful situations, I mean those we put ourselves in and have control over. I'm obviously not going to walk out on a woman because she was being awful for a month after her mother died. I'm talking about going to grad school, picking a certain job, dealing with certain friends, etc., etc. These are choices we make and it's our responsibility to mentally prepare ourselves for them.

We can only go by the interformation the OP gives us. She states that things were fine until a month ago. So it doesn't seem like she is on a series of one-off stressful situtation but, rather, found herself in a unique stressful sitution that she will be able to resolve.

OP, it sounds to me like you BF was looking for a way out of the relationship without looking like a bad guy. I know it hurt but you deserve someone who will support you through the hard times, not just turn and run at the first sign that you are less then perfect (as all of us are).

And when I refer to these stressful situations, I mean those we put ourselves in and have control over. I'm obviously not going to walk out on a woman because she was being awful for a month after her mother died. I'm talking about going to grad school, picking a certain job, dealing with certain friends, etc., etc. These are choices we make and it's our responsibility to mentally prepare ourselves for them.

I'm sorry but the part I hilighted I just had to comment on. Having just finished grad school I can say the NO ONE in my program or in the previous class who we were in communication with was able to fully mentally prepare for what we were getting into. We had little control over how greatly over-whelming the program was to the point that everyone (again in my class and the previous class) broke down crying several times throughout the year.

If a SO cannot support you through the hard time, they do not derserve your time at all.

I'm sorry but the part I hilighted I just had to comment on. Having just finished grad school I can say the NO ONE in my program or in the previous class who we were in communication with was able to fully mentally prepare for what we were getting into. We had little control over how greatly over-whelming the program was to the point that everyone (again in my class and the previous class) broke down crying several times throughout the year.

 

If a SO cannot support you through the hard time, they do not derserve your time at all.

Nobody is saying graduate school isn't stressful. What I'm saying is you made a conscious decision to study within it. A huge reason people don't go beyond undergrad is exactly because they know it's a level of stress they don't want to handle. In fact, knowing something will be super hard is the single biggest reason we choose not to do certain things altogether.

My girlfriend is undergoing a residency right now, so believe me I know what it's like to support a girlfriend through a stressful time. I have no problem supporting. The moment her stress manifests itself in a way that's designed to denigrate my morale is where I have and will continue to draw the line.

But girlfriend or not, she doesn't get a pass. Nor do you get a pass. You're an adult. If the stress is so much that you can't help but treat your partner like crap, then it's your responsibility to say, "Hey, I need this week to work on x."

Someone who uses circumstances, particularly those they volunteered for, as an excuse for being an awful partner rather than the fact they are inadequate at managing their own stress will only find themselves in some other circumstance to use as yet another excuse in the future.

It is NOT the stessor that's the problem. Stress hits us from the day we're born to the day we die. What matters is how we manage it.

If this is the same guy that brought you to this forum in the first place, you two have been down a similar path before. I'd guess that he may show up again for another round.

I just don't know how to go about asking him for another chance to prove to him that I'm going to work on how I handle stress in the future? He really means a lot to me and I don't want to make him feel drained I want to make him happy but I don't know how to communicate any of this because I have a feeling he'll just shut me out and not respond.

I'd pipe down and give him plenty of space and a long time to miss you.

Meanwhile, you have a project to complete. I'd throw myself into that and allow the BF thing to cool down.

It makes no sense to try to persuade someone who's shut down to drama--that's like poking him in the face while saying you'll learn to stop poking him in the face.

Instead, I'd put my focus where I need it to be--passing my project or making whatever arrangements I can to either extend it or find out how to reschedule the course over summer or next semester.

When you focus on your own responsibilities it liberates you from the very stress that procrastination causes.

In other words, start walking your talk and begin demonstrating that you are managing what you can now--and you're doing it competently.

Head high.

I've spoken to him and he says that a break up is definitely what he wants. He said he still wants to support me through college though and doesn't want to never see me again.

But I told him although I appreciate it I can't see him anymore if he's going to break up with me. It would just hurt me too much. His dad was offering me an apprenticeship too which could be really good for my future but I'm worried I'm going to have to turn it down now because I know that staying in contact with his family isn't a good idea.

I just feel really numb like my brain isn't willing to register what's happened, I should be crying but I've just been distracting myself from it. I'm going to give him space for a long time while I work on myself and try to pass my class, but I don't know if giving him space will do any good anymore.

I think if you want an opportunity to have a relationship in the future, it's best to focus on finishing your project now.

I'm trying my best to focus on my project, I've gotten a lot of work done today and I haven't contacted him but my mind does keep wandering to thoughts about him, it's hard for me to concentrate when we're apart so this break ups come at a really unfortunate time.

I'm just confused on how to go about this. Because although he's left me he keeps saying that he still loves me and he doesn't hate me at all and he still wants to see me and he's sorry, and yet he's breaking up with me? He said he wants to support me with my college work still but he doesn't want to be with me anymore. It just doesn't make sense that he's leaving me but still wants to be around me and help me.

I know I need to work on myself and that space would be good but I don't know why he's gone so far as to break up with me when he's told me that he still loves me. I've told him that we can't talk if he's going to leave me. And we haven't spoken to each other since yesterday which isn't a long time I know.

But should I agree to see him like he's asked and see how things go or is it best to just not have any contact with him at all for a while? I do want to be with him again in the future, I just don't know what to do because I've never had a break up like this before when I know that he still cares about me.

He still cares about you and loves you...as a friend. He finds you exhausting as a gf and he no longer cares to subject himself to your emotional outbursts. As a friend...rather than bf he will feel freer. I suggest you hold to NC. You need to heal and move on.