Some questions on the GIGS?

So without going into it, I am a victim of the GIGS.

I only found out about this syndrome recently but it immediately gave me closure and helped clear my confusion. However, I do have some more questions for more experienced minds.

1. Why is it that sufferers of the GIGS always get new friends and partners that are 'undesirable' or 'bad eggs'?

2. I know people say that dumpers were 'preparing' for the leave some months before and that's why they are capable of moving on with someone else so soon but really!? You live with someone for years, share a life/memories, sex and even when you go through this 'disconnection' period, your still living, eating and sleeping with that person, not to mention providing love and care that you have done for years. After all they may have changed but you certainly didn't.

3. If you've been hard to them after the breakup (you know, something to do with them practically destroying you out of nowhere and all that); emails, phone calls and the like. Will they still come back after they realise the grass is definitely not greener and often fertilised with BS?

4. Just how eager is the average reconciliation seeking GIGSer?

Also, if anyone did get back with their ex, I would be really interested to know how that worked. Like removing all trace of the gap filler partner and bad friends etc.

Thank you all!

"The idea of her 'moving on' so quickly is because she's been hooked on the grass being greener for a while before she pulled the plug. Look up the term 'grass is greener' on here, and you'll pull a flood of results--it's pretty common.

Some people, especially the very young, grow bored in a relationship that's been going on for a long time. They meet new people and fantasize about changing their whole life--complete with a crush on someone new. So the breakup wasn't sudden for her, she'd been going through her own depression about it while still in the relationship."

Catfeeder.

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"So rather than experiencing stability, security, and satisfaction in the present environment, the feeling is there is more and better elsewhere, and anything less than ideal won’t do. Whether it’s with relationships, careers, or where you live, there is always one foot out the door.

The problem with this is the greener grass is usually based on fantasy and fear. The fear comes from several possibilities, including fear of being trapped in commitment, fear of boredom, fear of loss of individuality, and fear of oppression.

Along with these fears comes the issue of compromise. In people who fear commitment, comprising certain desires, needs, and values for the sake of the unity can feel like oppressive sacrifice. When this happens, the perception is that there is something else out there that will allow us to have all that we crave, want, and value, and that it will happen on our terms.

This is where projection comes in. When the grass is greener on the other side, we’re usually (if not always) placing personal unhappiness with ourselves onto something outside of us — generally a partner, career, living environment, etc. We rely on polishing our external environment to soothe a deeper internal dissatisfaction. Though the environment changes when jumping the fence, after a brief internal high, without constant stimulation and newness, the dissatisfaction becomes the same."

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All I can say is good luck to the new guy filling my shoes..and dealing with her more abnormal traits. In reference the things I see now looking back were:

- comprising certain desires, needs, and values for the sake of the unity can feel like oppressive sacrifice.

- placing personal unhappiness with ourselves onto something outside of us — generally a partner

She really wasn't very nice to me near the end of our relationship and was a lot of hard work. I ended up doing all the house chores on my own and cooking. When I asked her to do things it created conflict. Saddest thing is, at the time I was loosing my job and found out my close family member had a heart attack and another cancer.

To answer you questions briefly.

1. Someone chooses a bad partner, because they are emotionally unhealthy and/or unbalanced in some way that leads them to seek out toxic and unavailable people. In short, insanity calls to insanity, not in a mental illness kind of way, but rather those who are not able to form sane long-term attachments will often be drawn to the very people they know won't be able to give that to them. There are a myriad of reasons for this, but the one you need to understand is they do not want the same thing in a relationship that you do. Yes, it's that simple.

2. It's a mistake that you ascribe your own standards and feelings about a relationship to those of your ex. They don't feel the same obviously or this conversation wouldn't even be happening. The why and the wherefores won't change that though, the bottom line is whether they checked out months before or just always had the attention span of a squirrel chasing the next shiny object don't matter. They do not think or feel the same way you do.

3. Some will come back and others won't. How you treat them or don't treat them has absolutely zero to do with that BTW. It depends entirely on them and their mindset and whether they're in to using people or they burn through them and never go back to the same person twice. I've experienced both sorts and found being hard to them--i.e. NC was best for me and what I needed. Not what they would or wouldn't do.

4. Sure. I think the exes who pursued me the hardest and made the loudest, most frantic declarations of love were the ones who had left me for someone else. I was never so pursued, wooed, gifts purchased etc. as I was by the men I dated who were like that. The problem was none of them could sustain that level of commitment and love. Eventually I caught on to the fact that a) if they leave you for someone else out of nowhere chances are good they'll do it to you again and again and every chance they get until you close the door for good and b) they cannot sustain the level of commitment and sanity needed to have an active healthy relationship. And when you decide that's what you want it doesn't matter what they want, they can't provide what you need, and it's over.

My last ex is a prime example of MR. GIGS. In fact, I think it's safe to say he was really only pursuing other women when he was with me. It went on for six years before I was finally emotionally sane and healthy enough myself to stop and say, "I see and saw some pretty serious red flags all along and ignored those, that's on me. And I don't want this game any more and you can take it elsewhere, and that's on you." I'll still get those frantic phone calls/texts and emails from time to time from new unblocked numbers professing his undying love. I happen to know he does that to two other women he dated after me. We all ignore him. The guy simply is emotionally unbalanced in some way and likely always will be.

And I know that's probably not what you want to hear, but the fact is someone who can just up and leave you for another out of the blue isn't someone you will be able to form a lasting, sane relationship with. Not unless maybe they get some serious therapy and decide you were the one after all, but that's along the lines of waiting for an addict to get clean and sober and sane enough in life to function. You could be waiting for a very long time and in the meantime other, better people who would enhance, not destroy your life, are walking on by you. Go NC, stay NC, start seriously looking at the past and you will very likely see there were some pretty big red flags you ignored and/or excused away. And those things shouldn't have been.

Thank you so much for the detailed reply, it means a lot that you took the time.

I guess I just find it hard. Five years together, a life, home and our dog. Travelling, holidays, graduation ceremony and balls, family funerals, confiding in each other; a real solid foundation for a relationship. She never really showed any serious signs, up until a couple of months before (signs I quoted above). The first 4.5 years we were very happy, “the ideal couple”. We also both wanted marriage and kids, with it being her this time last year when walking into a house we were viewing and saying “this will make a nice nursery”. I also know that us and I meant a lot, at one time everything, to her. I have a box of mementoes with cards saying just that. She also has a box of mementoes to match it.

She was still wearing my t-shirts to bed and smelling them and had pictures of us up in her new room. I have no idea what goes on in her head, I think it’s likely she doesn't either.

The idea of having to build all that and start sharing with someone new, absolutely terrifies me. Regardless of what she has done, replacing the woman she was and what she meant to me feels impossible. What do I do?

I hate the term GIGS because 99 times out of 100 it doesn't apply. Just because someone left you and moved on quickly doesn't make it GIGS.

It usually just means they didn't see you as a fit, and had withdrawn from the relationship long before they dumped you. This allowed them to have already processed a lot of their emotions and once free of you for good, to date quickly.

No one on the face of the planet can predict if an ex will come back. There are way too many variables in a relationship for that. All you can do is go NC to heal and understand that if they really want you, they will find a way to reach out. But don't count on it.

I hate the term GIGS because 99 times out of 100 it doesn't apply. Just because someone left you and moved on quickly doesn't make it GIGS.

 

It usually just means they didn't see you as a fit, and had withdrawn from the relationship long before they dumped you. This allowed them to have already processed a lot of their emotions and once free of you for good, to date quickly.

 

No one on the face of the planet can predict if an ex will come back. There are way too many variables in a relationship for that. All you can do is go NC to heal and understand that if they really want you, they will find a way to reach out. But don't count on it.

I agree with you but I don't think I could ever explain how good I was too her...how much I tolerated issues. I honestly don't think I will love anyone like that again, mostly because she was my first love but also because of my own issues and insecurities, that I now don't have because of that relationship. Just believe me when I say I was amazing to her, which is why I found it so hard to understand why she left me. However, if she wanted newness and all the excitement that brings, partying and a meaningless relationship...well yes, funnily enough she wouldn't get that from me. I just find it hard to understand why she would want that after sharing what we did.

But by her own words; 'i dont want this anymore', 'i dont want to be in a long-term relationship' and a whole host of other things along the same lines.

A lot of people feel this way after a breakup. The whole "I'll never love this way again" routine. But it's simply not based in fact. Most people do go on to love deeply again after time has passed.

As for all of our exes. The vast majority of them aren't evil, horrible people who will move on to meaningless relationships. It's satisfying to think that, but in my experience they have the same chance at happiness that we do.

Their only real sin is that they don't love us anymore.

Clinton; I could go into what I know about this guy and her 'new friends', 'bad eggs' was being kind believe me. I'm not saying she was horrible or evil either, the way she treated me was unkind and unfair but I still hope she finds happiness and love because I did love and care for her. However, I would be very sad to think its where shes at right now from the woman i know her to be.

I didnt say I would never. "I honestly don't think I will love anyone like that again, mostly because she was my first love but also because of my own issues and insecurities, that I now don't have because of that relationship." Or as much, just not in the same way.

What I'm really struggling with is, The idea of having to build all that and start sharing with someone new, absolutely terrifies me. Regardless of what she has done, replacing the woman she was and what she meant to me feels impossible. I'm not ready for that yet.

Thats good. You shouldn't be ready to find a new relationship at this stage. But trust me, when the smoke clears, you will. Time will take care of your wounds. And while no two relationships are the same, if you find someone else to love it will be just as satisfying.

You just have to hang in, it will get better

Well my wife left me after 24 years and immediately hooked up with someone. This was in March of this year. All we can do is go No Contact and get on with life. I spent months with false hope and contacting her via texts/emails/ even seeing her occasionally. All that did was set me back. She walked out on me and our 17 year old daughter. Why? GIGS? Maybe I guess, weve been together a long time and maybe she just had a mid life crises. Her son wont speak to her either. We cant control why our SO leaves..she detached awhile before the actual break, and I shouldve seen it coming but after that long I didnt think she would actually leave. I took care of all the household bills and mortgage, she covered groceries was about it, I didnt care what she did with her money. Funny thing though a couple months after she left she lost her job she had for 17 years. Im thinking maybe they got tired of her BS too, she had really changed...Just let her go and get on with your life, dont spend time waiting for her, believe me its a waste of time and your sanity. Im living proof. Good luck

Thats good. You shouldn't be ready to find a new relationship at this stage. But trust me, when the smoke clears, you will. Time will take care of your wounds. And while no two relationships are the same, if you find someone else to love it will be just as satisfying.

 

You just have to hang in, it will get better

Thank you! 6 months...I'm a lot better than the first 4. I just wished I would never had to have gone through this, for doing nothing wrong and only being everything I could be to her.

The crazy thing is she wanted change (for whatever reasons) and as a result my life changed. The thing is though, she still lives in the same boring town, meagre wage and with the same responsibilities and pressures. After our break up I went travelling for 2 months, moved to a big city, got a new job and made loads of new friends as well as reconnected with old. I grew up and got a new style. I have no responsibilities or commitments and a lot of disposable income. I am so much more active now with hobbies and charity work/volunteering. I know I would never had done those things had we of stayed together, I was stuck in a rut. So now the next person will benefit from all that growth and the experience I have gained from this, I know what I want and more importantly deserve.

And yet a part of me still wishes it was her standing by my side.

Thanks for sharing kbb. I'm sorry for your pain. I hope you find happiness my friend.

First, you need to give yourself time. Don't focus now on a future relationship, just on your current healing. You need time and space to heal and recharge, not worrying about the past being repeated. You will get there is you maintain NC and just work on putting your life together and letting go of what was. It will be okay. You will love again even if it doesn't feel like it, but for now I would say be selfish and loving with yourself and your own time. It's what you need, not someone new at this stage of the game. That will come later when you're feeling stronger and recovered and someone catches your eye.

Larthur1 it sounds like you are doing really well now, congrats on the new job. Listen, keep taking care of yourself like you are doing and the rest will take care of itself, including finding someone else. Just keep your positive attitude and over time your ex will slip from your mind until she's just a pleasant memory of your past. But seriously stay NC, contact with her WILL set you back. It was her choice, just let her go. Had nothing to do with you. People do that. This will toughen you up a bit for the next gal too