friends with benefits BUT could it be more?

quick background. so this friend (lets call him adam), Ive officially known adam for about 6 years now...basically he and i met a long time ago through common friends, he was dating somebody then, and by the time they broke up, i was in something serious... well he and i really connected when my last serious boyfriend and i broke up a couple of years ago, i was totally shattered, i went home to my parents house to recover, and somehow adam became my 3 am phonecall friend, he literally pulled me through the post break up depression i had fallen into..

when i got back to the city, both our lives kind of moved in different directions, we got busy with our lives although we'd see each other socially we never really connected in any dating capacity. now and again we'd have a super random out of the blue philosophical conversation on whatsapp, but we never hung out as such. also, we pretty clearly and openly discussed hooking up, and the fact that we did find each other attractive. it just never happened.

I moved citiies a few months ago, and now hes moved to where i am to open a new branch of his business. we met for dinner a day after he moved and we ended up hooking up. finally! anyway, i saw him and his partners for lunch the next day, it was a little awkward but okay...he's a very reserved guy and its super tough to read what he is thinking...

im seeing him tomorrow with a friend, going to the site of his construction to grab late lunch with him and a few friends and on saturday we are going with some of my friends to a concert.

well i had 'the talk' with him. and we both clarified we don't want a relationship right now, i got out of something messy recently and he says hes going to be crazy busy next few months setting up his business...but i also told him that whatever we do have, it should be exclusive. he said he couldn't promise that. so i told him that's cool, but if he did get involved with any other girl, he should let me know cause i don't want to be part of that set up. and i trust him to tell me the truth.

the problem is im very confused...i like him... but i cant emotionally dive into another relationship type thing right now. but it bothers me that he isnt texting that often...i know hes super busy...im not sure how to proceed with this now. we are friends but the dynamic is totally different. i want to chill and let this be natural but im not sure how to do that!!! i could talk to him about anything and now its all changed.

It isn't confusing --- it just isn't what you want.

He doesn't want a relationship, he is going to be super busy with work, he will not be exclusive with you.

Your relationship is not what it once was, and that is the simple truth.

you fell into something that you didn't wanted. all that buildup meant something to you, and you obviously are happy, as you said, it FINALLY DID HAPPEN. so, why casual?

you know each other well. why not relationship? it seems that it can be, if you out your cards on a table.

you fell into something that you didn't wanted. all that buildup meant something to you, and you obviously are happy, as you said, it FINALLY DID HAPPEN. so, why casual?

 

you know each other well. why not relationship? it seems that it can be, if you out your cards on a table.

well i had 'the talk' with him. and we both clarified we don't want a relationship right now, i got out of something messy recently and he says hes going to be crazy busy next few months setting up his business...but i also told him that whatever we do have, it should be exclusive. he said he couldn't promise that.

That is why not.

yes, I know, but it seems that he didn't think she is serious about that, and also, she recently just found out this is not working for her.

so, that ''talk'' needs a do-over

If it isn't working for her, she walks away. If you do over the talk....it over does the talking and ends the relationship (or lack there of),anyway.

If you are with him you have to accept (and by accept I mean you don't get to tell yourself he is "using" you or that he is behaving like a jerk) - that he would like to hang out and hook up with you when he is in the mood to have sex with you but definitely wants to keep his options open in case there is another woman he would like to have sex with or be in a relationship with. He's not too busy to pursue other women while he is having sex with you, he's just too "busy" to be in a relationship with you (anyway.......). I think if he had wanted to be in a relationship with you you would have found a way to say YES and I think he knows that.

So -the pros are you get to have sex with a man you know and are attracted to and perhaps another deep convo sometimes. The cons are that he might forget to tell you about another woman he had intercourse with between the last time he saw you and this time or that he will remember and you will feel emotionally hurt. It's up to you. I think you are settling for scraps.

Once you set the stage with a friend for a FWB's arrangement, the former friendship is a thing of the past. It seems as if you've already sent the message that you're content with this situation, therefore it doesn't make any sense to expect more. All in all, it is what it is.

firstly...thank you all...and you're all totally right in so many ways. yeh i guess i am totally settling and accepting something i dont want fully. and falling into that futile pattern of 'maybe things will change'... well... im going to see how this pans out over the next couple of weeks and take a call... cause lets be real women enjoy sex as much as men! and the sex is great... BUT having said that... i know i will get emotionally involved deeper. hes going to be out of town for two weeks starting end of next week... I think thatl give me space and time to figure what i want. hes not being a jerk, hes perfectly honest about what he wants from this. although we have had conversations in the past about not wanting something meaningless, more than that... he KNOWS me. he knows what im all about....

"If it isn't working for her, she walks away. If you do over the talk....it over does the talking and ends the relationship (or lack there of),anyway."

thats exactly what i have to figure out. because the more i think and the more i write. no, very soon im not going to be okay with just a friends with benefits thing. too bad... we had a great friendship there for a while.

with some people and some occasions, I do think a do-over is possible. it's rare, but not impossible

well with him there is going to be no drama. im just going to say it isnt working and he will say okay. thats about it. what happens to us afterwards is what happens. im going to see what the next few days bring...

He's not supposed to text you often when it's an FWB. In fact, a true FWB is really just about the sex and the two you don't do relationship things at all--it's just sex, remember? I don't think an FWB with this guy is going to work out, because if you're already worrying about things like he doesn't text you enough then it's proof you really aren't cut out for a true FWB only.

Also FWBs really, really seldom work out in spite of what Hollywood would have you believe. By their very nature both parties are saying, "I don't like you enough to want a full relationship, just sex." Anything else is sort of a deceptive, "I'm going to pretend this is just about sex when it's really about me trying to start a relationship with someone who says they don't want one."

Either be happy with what you got, never expect anything else, or bail now before you really get hurt when he says he still doesn't want a relationship. Or worse says just enough of what you think you want to hear to keep from losing his free sex buddy while you hang on thinking more could develop when he finally gets that good-paying job or the time is right or his sick relative passes on or. or. or. (fill in other excuse I haven't heard for why he can't have a relationship with you right now.)

You have to ask yourself... if you're both free.. why is someone going out of his way to tell you he may bang you now and again but he's also going to bang other girls and not promise you anything? Because he's not all that interested in you! He'll treat you like a buffet where he'll sample what he's in the mood for when he's in the mood for it, but he's not obligated to do anything other than sample you when he's in the mood.

A guy who has interest in you will want to lock you down and stop you from getting snapped up by another guy rather than telling you he has no intention of being exclusive or anything more than FWB.

If you have any interest at all in anything more with this guy, don't FWB with him because you'll get hurt when he just bangs you once in a while and basically ignores you most of the time. There are no expectations that he needs to stay in contact with you other than dropping a dime when he's in the mood for sex. If you want more than that, then start dating men rather than agreeing to FWB.

He's not supposed to text you often when it's an FWB. In fact, a true FWB is really just about the sex and the two you don't do relationship things at all--it's just sex, remember? I don't think an FWB with this guy is going to work out, because if you're already worrying about things like he doesn't text you enough then it's proof you really aren't cut out for a true FWB only.

 

I think there is some confusion out there. FWBs can work just fine. IF both are really friends, and have a friendly respectful relationship. What often happens however, is one or both just want a F buddy. And this sounds like he wants a F buddy for NSA sex OP wants an FWB. A friendship where they are friends and have sex together. Subtle but important difference.

I am going to be blunt. For HIM... you are a "good for now" girl. If you are okay being a "good for now" girl, continue screwing him. I know for me...I have too much self-respect to settle for that. I want (I need) to be with a man who is totally crazy about me (and I him obviously) and who wants an exclusive RL with me...nothing less would work for me. In fact, I couldn't even enjoy sex with a man knowing I was his "good for now" girl and he wasn't that into me.

Screw the "he's so busy" excuse. He's busy because you are a good for now girl...NOT a girl he is really into, respects and wants a relationship with. Trust me on this... when he meets a girl he's really into...he won't be so busy, and he WILL want a RL with "her."

Again, if you are okay with all this, fine. I wouldn't be.

hm.. thank you all again for your responses... a lot of your points of view are very strong! whereas mine is pretty laid back. in the sense i know him, hes a friend, we hooked up and possibly will again, we hang out... BUT you ARE right... i need to cut out the physical aspect of it before it messes up my head, emotions OR our friendship. i think the thing to do is tell him, i thought about it, this friends with benefits thing isnt really going to work with me. i guess im just the kind of person who needs more... because to be honest... i DO need, and DO want more.

hm.. thank you all again for your responses... a lot of your points of view are very strong! whereas mine is pretty laid back. in the sense i know him, hes a friend, we hooked up and possibly will again, we hang out... BUT you ARE right... i need to cut out the physical aspect of it before it messes up my head, emotions OR our friendship. i think the thing to do is tell him, i thought about it, this friends with benefits thing isnt really going to work with me. i guess im just the kind of person who needs more... because to be honest... i DO need, and DO want more.

Good on you for knowing what you want, and hopefully follow through

As for the question in your title, it seems that it won't become more, because he's not interested in having a serious relationship with you, and that's unlikely to change. In this type of arrangements, it's often the women that change their minds about wanting a serious relationship, rarely the men. So yea wouldn't hold my breath.

yup so then i think im just going to give it till he leaves next week... and after he's back and gets in touch again il just tell him it isnt working. that works for me because A) id have got that space to disconnect a little and B) because by then il know that he isnt keeping in touch as frequently as id like... so il simply be able to tell him...thats its just not what i want. meanwhile i may as well chill and enjoy the next few days cause i have a feeling our friendship will never be the same. c'est la vie i suppose.

good luck!

and I must add that I always shiver on all those ''I can't have sex with him if he's not 100% crazy about me''. yeah, well? what about you? that point of view is truly based on HIS viewing of YOU. and if I think that I'm a catch, I'd have no problem in following through that selfish urge for FWB fulfilling desires.

because, it is what it is, desire is selfish. love isn't.

im just taking this going by what I want. i havnt stopped talking to other guys, in fact i may even have a date planned in the next day or two. im not going to close my options. but i want to just see if im peaceful with the arrangement and i have... I doubt i will be though.... because more often than not for women i feel just sex ist enough. at least for me, i want the dinners and flowers too... even if it doesnt end up being serious and committed. but thats just me... and he knows this... so i suppose scoping it out over the next week makes most sense!

yes and I think it's good that you figured it out it may be hard.. but it's good, being ok with your expectations and posibilities

thank you!

I think what happens a lot of times when the sex is so magnificent is that the woman MIS-interprets him being so giving in bed with having romantic feelings for her. She convinces herself that he’s really into her (he must be, right?... otherwise how could he “make love” to me the way he does!). And that the reason he's so elusive is because he's "so busy" or "not ready for a RL," or some other BS. When the reality is he’s not into her at all…may not even respect her.... he just likes the sex!

I have done this myself when younger and always got hurt. What women should pay attention to is how a man treats her OUTSIDE OF BED. If he's not contacting you, if he's not calling making dates, then he's NOT into you...period. And sorry to say but the way it looks to me from what the OP herself has written, this guy doesn’t give a rat’s rear end about her.

He doesn’t contact her, he doesn’t do anything but screw her when SHE initiates it! I can’t blame him, he’s not leading her on…but for the love of god OP, get some self-respect why don’t ya. NO man is ever going to respect you if you can’t respect yourself first.

Oh and once again I completely agree with Batya. Choose wisely (at least better than this)... and take better care of yourself.

yup so then i think im just going to give it till he leaves next week... and after he's back and gets in touch again il just tell him it isnt working. that works for me because A) id have got that space to disconnect a little and B) because by then il know that he isnt keeping in touch as frequently as id like... so il simply be able to tell him...thats its just not what i want. meanwhile i may as well chill and enjoy the next few days cause i have a feeling our friendship will never be the same. c'est la vie i suppose.

Good job in figuring it out. It's easier to move on when you've known this person for years, and the response you get back is that he's "too super busy". There's no such thing as being "too busy" when you've come accross the right person. It's always about being with someone who can match your interest in them, and have the same future goals. Your friend doesn't match up.

It's clear from your update that he can read you well (knows everything about you), but you can't get a good read on him. This would mean that he knew how this was going to all play out before it occurred. He could have kept it at the friendship level, but went after the FWB opportunity. Interesting choice that he made.

Singh...I posted the above BEFORE I read your latest posts. Sorry 'bout that (sigh).

Good for you for realizing this isn't what you want and that you deserve better than this!!