left for emotionaly abusive ex

so I have been seeing this wonderful guy for about 2 months. Everything between us is absolutely fantastic and he has talked about having a future with me. We have not fought at all and get along really well and the goals that we have for our lives are very compatible. 6 weeks ago his ex girlfriend emailed me and interjected herself into our lives. I guess that he had been texting her telling her that he misses her and wants to get back together with her and she was giving me a heads up. I confronted him about it and he admitted that it was true but the he did not really have a lot of intentions towards her it was just the pattern of how they spoke with each other. And additionally that he tries to keep her in his life because he feels very guilty about where she is in her life. I guess that the things that she told her family about him made her family pull out all financial support for her and she got herself involved in drugs so the reason that he talks to her that way was to make her still feel cared about and supported in case she needed it. Talking with me about the whole situation made him realize that he does still have leftover feelings for her.he has Ask me for time and space to figure out what he wants to do and how he feels. I have spoken with him on a few different occasions and he is very very confused.

 

before she interjected herself into our lives me and him had spoken about her, she is incredibly manipulative and emotionally abusive. When they were in a relationship she alienated him and isolated him from all of his friends and all of his family. She destroyed his phone , laptops ,keeded his cars ,drove her car into his moms RV excetera. Demanded Passwords for all of his accounts and kept very strict tabs on him. When he was sharing these things with me he was incredibly embarrassed and very worried that I was going to judge him for allowing someone to treat him that way. Since she has become involved, she has emailed me from his email account pretending to be him, posted fake status updates on his facebook, kept live tabs on his phone and who he's talking to and demanded he does not talk to me at all. There is a lot more to the situation and her emotional abuse but I do not want to make this thread super long.

 

the last time that he spoke to me he told me that he still needs time just sort out all of his feelings and that he wonders if all of what is coming from her is love. He told me that he is not proud of his situation ,feels overwhelmed and that he is just burying himself in work and school. He told me that he adores me and it I am clearly the choice that he would want to make for someone to have a future with. That was 3 weeks ago this whole situation has been going on for about 6 weeks. I'm completely in love with the guy and I understand the cycle of emotional abuse and how easy it is to get swept up into it.

 

has anyone dealt with any kind of similar situation? What happened? Does anyone think that the situation can ever be resolved and that I could ever end up in a relationship with him?

I should also mention that they broke up in last December and that we got together in June of this year. He also flew accross the country to another country to spend time with me for our third date.

Tell him that YOU'RE breaking up with him because he shouldn't have to have space to figure out who he wants to be with, he should just want to be with you. He's got issues if he would even be still talking to someone who treated him the way she did. You don't want to be a caretaking partner to someone like him, he'll bring you down long before you can bring him up.

 

Leave him now and get on with your life without him in it. He has much to work on about himself and he's best doing that on his own. At the very least, you should NOT, NO, NEVER go back to him if he insists on keeping her in his life in ANY capacity. Even then he'll need some help with his codependency, low self-esteem, his need to be her white knight (syndrome) just to mention a few of what clearly and currently ails him.

 

Be strong, get rid of him. You deserve better then someone who is secretly emailing someone who abused him and telling her he wants to get back together with her.

6 weeks ago his ex girlfriend emailed me and interjected herself into our lives. I guess that he had been texting her telling her that he misses her and wants to get back together with her and she was giving me a heads up.

 

he has Ask me for time and space to figure out what he wants to do and how he feels. I have spoken with him on a few different occasions and he is very very confused.

 

before she interjected herself into our lives me and him had spoken about her, she is incredibly manipulative and emotionally abusive.

 

I think you need to get yourself into some therapy because he completely has you hosed. Or you are simply choosing to believe fantasy.

 

She didn't "interject" into your life. He interjected into hers by trying to get with her behind your back. He's a liar about that for sure. So, I highly doubt she's as bad as he's painting her to be. No doubt their relationship was probably unhealthy. But obviously he contributed to it.

 

2 months in and you are in love is a bit of a red flag on your part. You need to slow down and take things more lightly in the first four months. I know it's hard but this is a stranger you are just getting to know.

I have already told him that I deserve somebody that is all in and that I will not sit around and wait for him. I did tell him that if he ever gets his head out of his own ass he knows how to contact me

From what I found out after the fact, she had been emailing him and texting him and he had been replying but it was her that started it all.

Stop talking to him altogether now then and consider him gone. You don't want to be with a liar and someone who wants to be with a RAVING LUNATIC. The fact that she contacted him first is neither here nor there... he continued the interaction and after what she did to him and his family (according to him) would make any man not issued with his own mental illness run away from her like Forest Gump on speed. He's damaged goods so don't even be there for him if he does "get his head out of his ass

I think as much as I do not want to hear it you're right. I feel bad for the guy because he's an Army veteran with PTSD and both his mom and his dad are dead and he has no family. I have never been with someone that treated me so amazing for that I clicked with so very well. I'm a business owner and he was giving me a lot of support in running my own business.he is also fully driven and motivated and is on a path to be working for FEMA. Currently works as a firefighter. He also because of his familys deaths was really looking to create a family and settle down which is the phase that I'm at. I guess that I just really admired him and thought that he was a perfect match and he kept telling me what a perfect match I was. I guess that I got swept away by the fantasy he literally was everything on my list of what I wanted in a husband. I have not spoken with him for 3 weeks and I have no intention to reach out to him.

I have not spoken with him for 3 weeks and I have no intention to reach out to him.

My suggestion is that you reach out to him right now and tell him to go "blank" himself. That you've found that his issues are too much for anyone normal to bear and the you wish him luck with his insane ex. Then block and delete the d-bag.

 

Makes one feel quite empowered to take back their life into their own hands and quit leaving it up to some twit who needs a break.

Sorry, he is in a relationship with two women now, whether you want to acknowledge it or not.

 

He is allowing this to continue. If he does see a future with you, then he needs to just cut her off entirely, go no contact. Most people do NOT stay enmeshed with crazy exes UNLESS there is still something there that he might want to pursue. Right now he has both of you, and isn't making a decision.

 

I'd tell him he's got two weeks to decide whether he is going to cut her out of his life or not. If she has 'issues' she needs to be taking them to a therapist and not to him. And if he is sending her email about wanting to get back together, then that is what he should do, but he can't have both her and you.

 

So give him two weeks to stop being in contact with her entirely. If he refuses to do it, then he is just stringing the both of you along. It never pays to be in these kind of triangle situations, and if he doesn't have the guts or desire to cut her off, then it is better for you to break up with him now rather than later because you will just get more and more hurt the longer this goes on.

Here's really a few things need to know. If the guy is telling you one iota of the truth it means he is so emotionally and mentally damaged that he is only able to have a relationship with someone who abuses him. And unless he gets therapy for that he will always choose an abusive partner over a good one. Sure he may come back to you, but the minute someone wants to kick the crap out of him emotionally or otherwise he'll be gone again. You might be his "safe" harbor, but that's all you'd ever be. And often times guys and gals who have that bent will turn around and mistreat the person who is good to them in a weird sort of "I can't tell off my abusive partner/mistreat them, because I'm afraid of them. So I'll take all of my frustrations and anger out on you, because I understand you are afraid of me or afraid to lose me."

 

Again, completely and utterly unhealthy, stunted emotionally, Fed up beyond the nth degree no matter how you look at it or what happens. If you love dysfunctional relationships and have a masochistic streak that would make a sadist weep for joy, sure go ahead and stay in contact with him. Otherwise, don't.

 

That's if he's telling any truth about his ex since I don't know how many "she was crazy/abusive/blah-blah-blah" I've heard that turned out to be nothing more than a giant snow job to keep me from contacting the woman and getting the truth. And that let the guy play two women or more against each other. Yes, he could be totally and utterly lying and is simply one of those people who gets off on manipulating and lying to people and playing them off against each other.

 

Third option here is both he and she have some sort of weird sick relationship in which they enjoy putting someone in the middle and hurting that person as much as humanly possible while they play at "we aren't together, oops now we are, no we aren't, oops now we are." I've seen that and again it speaks to damage on their part. Disgusting human beings doesn't even begin to sum up the contempt I have for these sorts of people. They can't let each other go, but they sure don't mind sticking one or more people in the middle of their crazy either.

 

Seriously, tell the guy to go jump off a cliff. It's been two months--less time than it takes to get loan on some cases or that cheap handbag to rip, he's already got you locked up in seriously messed up drama, and you're entertaining any idea that maybe he'll just be up and get sane or stop lying to you and be that great guy you fantasized/projected he was before you knew him? Shuh, do yourself a favor and save on the therapy bills this type of insanity will cost you down the line. Move on, get someone else or even stay single, it's preferable. Trust me, been there, did that, never again.

 

Or he

to clarify he is not dating the both of us at the same time. When me and him were seeing each other we had not officially established a committed relationship. When I found out about his attachment to her I told him that he needs to figure out what he wants before I would ever have a committed relationship with him. Right now we are in no contact, the last I heard he was not saying either of us and trying to figure out what he wants and why he has any attachment to her with how she is treating him

Also at two months it's utterly ridiculous this guy is prattling on to you about a "future" when you barely know each other. Come on, wake up. He's fast-forward faking a relationship with you to try and get himself over his ex and it's not working. Not surprisingly. Insta-relationships don't work because you don't really know each other and then reality starts to seep in and you find out all sorts of things. Those could be good things if a relationship unfolds at a natural, "I don't have a hidden agenda here so I'm going to baffle you with BS to keep you in the dark" or they could be what you're finding out--that he isn't over his ex and is trying to use you as a rebound and/or to make her jealous. I'm sorry, the guy wants to keep you as a placeholder/therapy tool and that's just not fair to you. Two months in you find out he's already being deceptive--there's who he really is. Keep in mind everyone is on their best behavior in the beginning, I'm sure you didn't show up with curlers in your hair and looking like you do when you roll out of bed.

 

It's not how they are in the beginning that counts. It's what gets revealed with the passage of time and when the mask drops, in this case it was dropped for him by the ex who was actually doing you a favor and giving you a heads up. He's deceitful and had no business involving you in his sh** to begin with. Which also speaks of a selfish nature.

what happened in your situation?

I feel so incredibly stupid that I fell for all of it and I feel even more stupid but I do still have leftover feelings and I do wish the situation was different

also his actions are they preconceived? Like did he know that it was his intention to lead me on and use me as a way to get back with her? Or is he just someone who's weak willed engage in an emotionally abusive cycle with somebody

I found out the guy in question was lying to me and I dumped him. And he cried mighty big tears about that, but by the time in life where I started dating him I'd pretty much had it with liars. I told him to go get some therapy and recover or get back and stop involving other people in his damage. Last I heard about him his ex had started dating someone and they were still seeing each other and now cheating on the poor guy, who refused to leave the girl. Ugh. Nasty bit of business that, I was glad I bailed.

 

And to answer your second question there's no way of knowing if he did what he did on purpose or not, he may not even know the answer to that until he's by himself in the dead of night and stops lying to himself. The bottom line though is somewhere along the way the guy wasn't and isn't being honest, either with you or even with himself. Either he wasn't over the ex and decided to race out and use someone to make himself feel better--which speaks to a selfish nature and someone who doesn't really think about others and the consequences of their own actions--i.e. empathy. And then if that's the case at some point he's bound to have known he was being a bit deceptive by putting himself out there as single and available for a relationship when he wasn't. If he were honest he'd have at least told you, "I am just dating and am still not over my ex, if you're down for a good time that's great, because that's all I'm capable of," or he would have given himself some more time to heal and process things before jumping back into the pool. But he did neither of those, he dated you and talked about a future and painted a picture that he was single and available and ready to move forward with you.

 

Think of it like this analogy I'm about to give you. What if you went to buy a handbag on sale. The paper says it's on sale, the sign in the window says it's on sale, the salesperson pitches you on why this bag is worth it. You pick it up, head to the counter already mentally incorporating it into your wardrobe, cash in hand. And then the salesperson yanks it out of your arm and says, "I've changed my mind, this isn't for sale, I want to keep it. But we have other bags over there and at some point maybe I'll put this back on sale if you just keep coming back and showing me you're a loyal customer to me first."

 

Hopefully you'd tell this salesperson her bait and switch tactics are a scam and storm out. And never go back to the store again. You wouldn't say, "Oh, okay. Then I'll just buy something else and hope the bag goes back on sale at some point," right? And that's what this sort of is. He held out the promise of a relationship (i.e. the bag) to you then yanked it back and did a whole "Well, under these conditions there might be something maybe, but please stick around while I make up my mind."

 

Or he knew what he was doing, but wanted to see if he could still hold on to the ex and date other women at the same time. Again, not cool. It's kind of an underhanded way of being able to cheat without doing so. "I'm not cheating, really. I broke up with my ex and now I'm single and I don't really have to follow the relationship rules and commit one way or another. Although I'm not about to let go off my ex either to make sure she doesn't go get someone else." And again, it's deceptive. And he was deceptive. He'd likely still be dating you and talking about a future together all while wooing the ex if the ex hadn't given you a heads up. He only admitted it after you confronted him on it. Like I said, that's deceptive. It's also lacking in empathy, manipulation and whole host of other really unlovely traits.

 

And this is just in the first two months of knowing the guy. My advice, at the end of the day when someone lies to you it doesn't matter what their "reasons" are, what matters, what you should be paying attention to, is the fact that they lied at all to someone they claim to care about. It speaks to a nature and character that is the sort of person who does what they want and doesn't really care who else they hurt to get what they want. And that they will lie to your face, paint a totally false picture to get what they want, then only come clean when someone else rats them out, is disturbing to say the least. You should be furious with him, not hoping there's a magical prince charming in there. I can guarantee you a truly good guy would not do what he did, ever.

And please don't feel stupid. He lied to you, that has nothing to do with your intelligence, everything to do with his. And I know feelings are hard to turn off, but give yourself some time and go NC and you'll find you move past this and are glad you found out so early. Dating is a process of getting to know someone, it's how we find out the person is potentially a mate or not. That's why it's important not to let yourself rush into things or get swept off your feet before you really get to know someone. It is all a learning experience, take it as such, tell yourself you are worth and will only accept a whole relationship with no lies or dishonesty and move forward weeding out anyone who isn't able to give that to you. And yes, you may have to close a few doors on guys to do that, but that's just life if you want to find someone who really will give you what you need and deserve--a loving open relationship with no baggage from the past or deceptions getting in the way.

 

You are worth that, remember that.

thank you for that. I think that I have just been too understanding of where his head space might be because I witnessed my mom emotionaly abuse my dad when I was younger, and how much it destroyed him. So I think I have been stuck feeling bad for him instead of seeing his own involvement and how his actions or lack of them have effected me.

Be very careful about projecting. Manipulative people can play off of your own weaknesses and vulnerabilities to get something from you (e.g. suport and love).

also his actions are they preconceived? Like did he know that it was his intention to lead me on and use me as a way to get back with her? Or is he just someone who's weak willed engage in an emotionally abusive cycle with somebody

 

Sounds like he's too codependent to be alone for more then five minutes so you were a good safety net to help him get through the pain of breaking up with her. He's issued. Thank your luck stars you're out of it now and DON'T go back to him for any reason. You're better off without someone like him.

Well he was alone for 7 months before he met me

Well he was alone for 7 months before he met me

 

He wasn't "alone" at all if he's been having this online emotional affair with her.

I confronted him about it and he admitted that it was true but the he did not really have a lot of intentions towards her it was just the pattern of how they spoke with each other. And additionally that he tries to keep her in his life because he feels very guilty about where she is in her life.

 

I'd certainly not believe the bolded part, especially about not having "intentions towards her." He kept her in his life because he's codependent and has lack of boundary issues. If he did actually mean that he didn't have intentions towards her then you can add "liar" to his list because it would mean that he's been stringing her along like Gheppetto did before Pinnochio became a real boy.

yep, I agree. He even told me that he had been leading her on. I don't remember his exact reasoning.

I just don't get why people treat other people this way. And what it is with in me that I always end up with guys like this that string me along and use me for whatever purposes they need.

 

it's getting to the point where I'm becoming so bitter and jaded that I don't want a relationship at all