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  1. #1
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    Unhappy Extreme Sexual Frustration - 1 Orgasm in 5 years

    I really need either some encouragement so I can continue to hang on or some advice on how to deal with this, as I am hanging on by a thread here. I love my husband. He is a great guy. We have had our problems, but currently our marriage is going pretty well with the one exception being our love life. We have been together for about five years, married for 3.

    I have had one, maybe two orgasms with him this entire time. Our sex life started out very active, but it has faded over time like it does with a lot of couples. I lost interest in him physically probably a few years ago. We've both let ourselves go, although currently I'm in the process of getting myself back together. I could deal with his extra weight, but his hygiene has also taken a nosedive since we first started dating. Lack of sex has caused frequent arguments between us over the past few years. When he would complain, I would usually try to explain some reasons why it is lacking--because I need him to bathe, I need him to brush his teeth, I need him to actually pay some attention to me, and so on. There were always excuses, and he rarely ever did anything about it (although he did sometimes.)

    This all led to me having an online affair. For a year I basically cybered with this certain guy. I used to have more orgasms with this guy during the course of one day than I ever had in my entire relationship with husband (didn't take much, but I sometimes got up to as much as 6 a day.) Eventually I ended the relationship, confessed to husband, and since then I've been trying to improve my marriage. It has improved tremendously. I am back to finding him attractive, even though I wish he would take better care of himself. He turns me on again, and we have been enjoying a better sex life...for him anyway. He has probably had more orgasms since I split with the online guy than he had in the previous three years of marriage. I, on the other hand--am still at 1 or 2.

    As I've gotten bolder (and more desperate), I've told him our non-existant sex life was probably due in part to me never having an orgasm--maybe if I was satisfied every once in a while it wouldn't take so much persuasion to get me to have sex. During the past couple years as we've tried to work on this problem, I've said numerous times--"I want to have an orgasm. I want to finish first, because when you finish first, there is nobody finishing second. You do not get to finish until I do. I finish first." And so on. But every time...he would just finish and it would be over, like he totally forgot what we talked about.

    Our talk about this has increased since our marriage has improved recently. There was one occasion that I actually really tried, but it was taking a long time and I felt he was bored, uninterested, so I just gave up. Since then, on a few occasions he has said he wanted me to finish, but it was when I was not really in the mood--just when he was in the mood. Since I've never really orgasmed with him, I am uncomfortable, so it's going to take me a while to be able to do it "quickly," and I need to actually be in the mood. So now he's quit trying, and I've quit trying.

    This morning, however, I was really in the mood and wanted to give it a shot, so I initiated some sexual contact. He ended up finishing quickly. I was still feeling frisky, so I was decided to go ahead and try to give it a shot for myself. After a few minutes of him half-heartedly rubbing me and me actually wondering if he was falling asleep, it just kind of fizzled out and he ended up rolling over and that was it. He's been blissfully cheery all day, has no clue how upset I am about this.

    This is the most discouraged I've ever been about our sex life. On the one hand, I was relieved, because this proved that all along this has not been ALL my fault. I figured it was my responsibility to seek out an orgasm, and if I hadn't been having them it was because I'd not been assertive enough, but this morning proved that is not the case at all. On the other hand, I am really depressed, because whereas before I thought I could do something about it, now I feel that there is nothing I can do about it.

    I feel like I've tried everything and now I'm doomed to a lifetime of masturbation. I honestly don't even see myself wanting to do anything sexual with him anymore, because it's just an exercise in frustration for me and I end up feeling like crap. I want this to work, but I can't seem to get through to him and it's getting really tiresome. While most of the time I'm 100% committed to him and being faithful, I worry that in a moment of weakness I'm going to do something stupid like initiate another affair. I don't know what to do. Like I said, I at least need some sort of encouragement. Please help.

  2. #2
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    I take it your husband does not go down on you.

    Divorce him.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Generation's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gerda
    "I want to have an orgasm. I want to finish first, because when you finish first, there is nobody finishing second. You do not get to finish until I do. I finish first." And so on. But every time...he would just finish and it would be over, like he totally forgot what we talked about.
    Trust me, he knows...

  4. #4
    Platinum Member OptomisticGirl's Avatar
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    Has he always been this way in bed, as in, always a taker and never a giver?

    There are many, many problems here. Lack of communication, your affair, compatability, different sex outlooks... you have to treat each one independently but all of them as a whole as well. Instead of waiting on him to give you the big cookie before sex, do it yourself. Break out a toy and let him watch you. You get yours and then he gets his.
    "I am and always will be- the optimist. The hoper of far-flung hopes. The dreamer of improbable dreams." - The Eleventh Doctor

    ♥ 01.13.10 ♥ 02.23.10 ♥ 06.04.10 ♥ 06.17.10 ♥ 10.15.11 ♥ 08.21.13 ♥

  5. #5
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    Seek counseling. It could be that he feels incompetent in this area and by choosing to ignore it, he doesn't expose his sensitive side. Lots of reasons. But....the fact that he doesn't put in as much effort, especially with the hygiene stuff, tells me that he thinks he's got you for good and that's just that.

  6. #6
    Platinum Member LDRohnos's Avatar
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    Actually that is a great question.. Do you like having cunnilingus performed on you? If I ever finish before a girl (it's been known to happen a few times..lawl) I'll always give her oral until she gets the deed done herself. He needs to make sure you're finishing and he needs to show it's a BIG DEAL to him as well as to you. I seems as if he doesn't particularly care if you finish or not, he got his rocks off so whatever.


    I would request this of him (if you enjoy it) or even to the point where he's pleasuring you UNTIL you orgasm and then you can work on using his body as a jungle gym.
    "I am one of those Melodramatic fools, Neurotic to the bone. No doubt about it."

  7. #7
    Platinum Member Alezia's Avatar
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    It doesn't seem like there is just lack of orgasm. He just doesn't seem like he cares at all about your sexual needs or your love life. To me it's like dropping a pin in a haystack compared to the rest.

  8. #8
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    I take it your husband does not go down on you.
    He would, but I do not like that, to answer LDRohnos' question as well (never finished that way, and I've heard the "you just haven't had it done right" line a million times, it is simply just not sexy to me, in fact it is a turn off, I think guys look ridiculous doing it.) I think it's actually his specialty, something he really enjoys, and possibly the only way he knows how to bring a woman to orgasm. He's tried many, many times, and I've always told him I didn't really like it. He acts as though that's the only way a woman can achieve orgasm, and just gives up. I've told him how I can achieve orgasm (it's quite simple, just grinding), but it's like because I won't do it the way he thinks I should, it's no longer his responsibility. I have become so desperate that I'm more willing to give this route a try, but honestly I'd like to start out with MY preferred way first.
    Trust me, he knows...
    So what the heck do I do? It's getting to the point where I'm on the verge of yelling at him ("I WANT MY ORGASM!!!"), but I'm worried it would come out REALLY angry. :-S Nobody wants to be yelled at during sex, I'm sure.
    Has he always been this way in bed, as in, always a taker and never a giver?
    Pretty much. As I mentioned, when we were first getting to know each other sexually he was always wanting to give me oral, to the point where it was really annoying me. I know a lot of women love that, and maybe it's just something I need to get used to, but the point is I am fully capable of orgasming the way I like it, and it's not like it's hard--he just basically has to sit there and act at least somewhat interested, that's all I ask. (And I've explained this to him, that the reason I don't even try with him is because I feel like I am boring or annoying him, he said I was not.) He pretty much stopped all attempts at helping me orgasm within the first six months of us dating, and I don't know if he ever even mentioned it for the subsequent four years before I became more determined and started talking about it. This whole time I thought it was not his fault, though, but now I see it is and always has been. Every single time he needs to put forth at least some effort--it's common courtesy and common sense. I put forth effort for him EVERY SINGLE TIME, always have.
    Break out a toy and let him watch you. You get yours and then he gets his.
    Two problems with this. One is that this idea just does not do it for me. I like full body contact between us, one reason I don't like to receive oral, though I don't mind giving it because I find that rather sexy. Mentally (at this point--though I think I could get used to it) I can't get past that they are just inanimate objects, pieces of plastic or latex or whatever. I have, however, tried masturbating next to him in bed, but either he ends up getting off again or I just feel like I'm bothering him because he doesn't act interested, so I give up and go masturbate privately. Second problem is that the thing that turns me on the most is when he has an orgasm--that is when I am the most aroused by far. But then, of course, he loses interest. I just don't see why, if for the past five years I've been patiently helping him achieve orgasm after orgasm and managed to almost every single time act like I enjoyed it thoroughly, why can't he just, for ten minutes after he cums, at least SMILE while he's rubbing me or something, rather than acting like he's doing a chore. I feel like yelling, "PUT ON AN ACT IF YOU HAVE TO, BUSTER--THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN DOING THE PAST FIVE YEARS."
    Seek counseling. It could be that he feels incompetent in this area and by choosing to ignore it, he doesn't expose his sensitive side. Lots of reasons. But....the fact that he doesn't put in as much effort, especially with the hygiene stuff, tells me that he thinks he's got you for good and that's just that.
    Counseling is probably what I'm going to end up having to do. I'm starting to think the hygiene stuff is just the "real him," and him bathing and stuff early in the relationship was just an act. :< Honestly, I don't ask much--just do not smell like BO and brush your teeth AT LEAST once a freakin day. I have such a hard time talking to him about this, though, because I really do love him and think he's so sweet, I don't know how to say it without hurting his feelings or sounding rude. But I've tried anyway, and it just...does...not...stick. I love him and don't get me wrong--he's not one of those people who has greasy hair and dandruff flakes and a greasy face and who chokes you with his B.O. when he walks by--but the guy's hygiene is still pretty appalling. I think he washed his hair once during our five-day honeymoon--I was sad, disturbed, and disappointed, and he was wanting to know why we weren't having more sex (HELLO?! BATHE!) He can literally go days without brushing his teeth, and often only does it then because I bring it up. I want to tell him to wake up because he is surely grossing out his coworkers to no end with his often rancid breath. I hate the idea that those people think I'm fine being married to a person who reeks like this, it's embarrassing. But I don't know how to talk to him about it without it seeming like I am rejecting him.

    Thank you ALL for your replies, they have really helped, even though I'm still as discouraged as ever. I know that I bear part of the responsibility, but it's just so weird to me. I thought maybe he just thought I was orgasming that whole time (due to my enthusiasm), but now that we've openly talked about it, it obviously isn't that any more. :<

    I'm so tired of masturbating secretly on the bathroom floor, sometimes several times a day, it's getting really depressing. :< I wish I could just direct him to this thread (not an option, he would be hurt if he read some of my previous posts.)

  9. #9
    Platinum Member Ms Darcy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gerda View Post
    He would, but I do not like that, to answer LDRohnos' question as well (never finished that way, and I've heard the "you just haven't had it done right" line a million times, it is simply just not sexy to me, in fact it is a turn off, I think guys look ridiculous doing it.) I think it's actually his specialty, something he really enjoys, and possibly the only way he knows how to bring a woman to orgasm. He's tried many, many times, and I've always told him I didn't really like it. He acts as though that's the only way a woman can achieve orgasm, and just gives up. I've told him how I can achieve orgasm (it's quite simple, just grinding), but it's like because I won't do it the way he thinks I should, it's no longer his responsibility. I have become so desperate that I'm more willing to give this route a try, but honestly I'd like to start out with MY preferred way first.
    For me, I think it's very unfair to call him selfish and say he won't help you out when you don't allow oral. Very unfair. You two just may be sexually incompatible.

  10. #10
    Silver Member Notagoodninja's Avatar
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    OMG LOL masterbating on the bathroom floor that is SO TOTALLY what I would do when my ex DH was ignoring me and didn't want to have sex, hahahah I'd feel dumb and I would go lock myself in the bathroom & get myself off so I wouldn't have to deal with the rejection!!!!!!!!!!!

    Anyway OK so here's my advice......

    I am a nazi when it comes to hygeine! If you wanna come anywhere near me unless Im madly in love with you..your teeth better be brushed you better be chewing gum your hair should be half way decent, you should be groomed DOWN THERE! even if I have to get out razor and cut it all off myself. Then I'm a lube queen...I have to have tons of FLAVORED lubes ALWAYS for both people..............
    AND you should both shower before hand. You can even make it fun if you want to rub soap all over eachother & play with him

    OK so it's not his fault he can't last. You can't blame him for the way he was born! Some guys just can't last that long and you have to get over it. I'm sorry!
    About oral are you sure you hate ORAL or you hate HIM giving you oral because you're grossed out by his mouth? Make his shower, shave and brush his teeth and use listerene! Then get into bed and 69 on top of each other. That way you have skin on skin/body contact like you mentioned.
    Try to have an orgasm from him going down on you that way, try to get off from laying straight across the bed while he gets btwn your legs.
    Try sitting on his face either facing the bed post or facing the other way...
    Grind on his face sitting up, make him stick his tongue inside of you
    It doesn't sound like you like toys...that's ok
    Lube up his finger make him finger you
    Make him get you off FIRST BEFORE he gets off....bottom line.........
    When you masterbate make him lick your nipples
    Make him kiss you
    Make him eat you out while you masterbate

    But you can't force the guy to not cum in 2 seconds if he's made that way, it ain't gonna happen and you will make him feel really horrible about himself when it's not his choice

    Try this..........getting him hard then sitting on him and grinding on him but telling him not to pump up and down just make him lay there doing nothing but keep him hard by talking really dirty. Talk really dirty so he stays hard while you grind him

    You can be creative too, you can masturbate while he's on all 4's and you're stroking his * * * * you can watch him orgasm when you orgasm...that's hot!
    You could set up 2 web cams and have cyber sex with each other from different rooms & masturbate that would be really cool!
    Every woman needs a man who will ruin her lipstick and not her mascara...

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