Love my wife, but not romantically anymore, love my son like crazy, love women.

I am about to turn 40, but this is not a new problem, it has been with me for Over 10 years. I met my wife during a very stressful period of my life, I had a great job, always made great money, and we were working together during a make or break crisis that could make or break my career. I was single and had nobody in my life, she was engaged to the same moron for 6 years and all they did was fight. The circunstances brought us together, Romance just ignited, that fase when all I could think of was being with her. I was 27 she was 26, I was living in a foreign country. Things worked out somehow, we got married, I wasn't enthusiastic about it, but did it for her. She has stuck with me through thick and thin, and somebody had to take care of her, and that became my duty, and I never walk out on my duties. She stopped working and stayed at home, I kept working hard in an increasingly toxic environment. Got my MBA while working ful time. She wanted to have kid, we had a wonderful boy, I kept fighting the fight. I was unhappy, but blamed it on the viper nest my company had become. Last year I finally caught a break and was hired by a smaller firm that pays me more and does not have a backstabbing culture. Now I find myself still unhappy. I have no sexual attraction towards my wife. She gained weight, her breasts sagged. I was more than happy to heplp, let's exercise together, get a boob job, god knows I have the money, she wouldn't do it because she is afraid of pain. I want adventure, all my life, I would have loved to move to hong kong for a stint, to ride my motorcycle accross the country, to move closer to the cutting edge personally and professionally, to ive in a loft in the city. She loves to be a suburban mom, always going to the same places, never taking any risks, perfectly content in her repetitive world. I was afraid of heights, I cured it by learning skydiving, she is afraid of driving so she just won't drive on the highway. I LOVE beautiful women, truly do, appreciate them as a person, as a human being, would love to know their soul. I don't cheat, never have, but part of me just longs for the touch of a tight body. At the same time, I do love her, but it is more like a sister and a best friend, there is no flame. I did make a commitment though, and I love my son more than anyone I have ever loved. My parents were divorced when I was 11, the feeling was like one day I came home from school and my house had burned down. I swore I would never do that to my son. I have spoken to her, all it achieves is making her sad, and I don't like making her sad, I like making her happy. The world is a harsh place and my job ismto take care of her, not make her sad. At the same time, time is ticking away, and with every second that goes by I have less time to be alive. I want more, I need more, I want that first kiss that sends shivers down yor spine, the thrill of walking into a beautiful woman's apartment for the first time, of taking her clothes of, of the true scent of her skin, of making love and taking her further and deeper into lust, of giving her have four, five, six orgasms, and then making her feel safe, protected and cared for even for a few minutes, Even if I found a woman that was generous and sophisticated enough to agree to this kind of arrangement, how could I do it without feeling like a scumbag? My wife would never agree to it, it would hurt her if I asked, and my son along with her. My job, my oath, my warrant is to care for them, and never hurt them. If you are a guy, can you relate? If you are a woman, what is your point of view. Would you have an affair with a man in y circumstances? I keep thinking that this is all caused by monogamy, being married forever, all historical artifacts of a time when people got married in their mid teens and had a life expectation of 30...

Welcome to ENA,

There are a few points I would like to make about your current situation,

1) Everyone's body changes as they get older. I'm sure yours has, so it very unfair to nit-pick your wife and offer to get her a boob job (very seriously that is extremely rude of you).

2) You are no longer a young single man. Sorry, but you have a kid to think about and you simple do not have the option anymore of running around and doing whatever you want.

3) You would be a scumbag if you tried to set up a mistress. It very good that you understand that.

4) It honestly sounds like you are going through a midlife crisis.

I recommend that contact a therapist to help work through these feelings you are having. If you feel it is needed seek out a marriage therapist as well for you and your wife.

Okay, let me say this first, as someone who's still recovering from having an affair. DO. NOT. HAVE ONE. They do not end well, period. I say, avoid it for the sake of those you love, but failing that, do it for self-preservation. If you have even a glimmer of a conscience, it will come back to bite you.

If you truly are afraid of hurting your wife's feelings, think how much pain something like this would cause if it comes out. And don't be naive enough to think it won't, somehow.

It sounds like you were content with married life for a while, but then felt like you wanted to be promiscuous. Not my cup of tea, and some here might call it shallow, but I won't judge. Here are some questions I recommend asking yourself:

If you were sexually attracted to your wife again, and if she were more sexual, would that help? Or would you still want to see multiple women? If you don't want these things enough to divorce your wife, why do you want them enough to risk breaking her heart? If you feel that marriage is a relic and that people generally outlive their affection to their spouses, why are you so hung up on not divorcing? Societal expectations? Do you think she's so devoid of integrity that she'd try to keep you away from your son because you divorced her honestly? Do you think if you got caught in an affair that she wouldn't react even worse? Do you think you'd be okay with only seeing your son half of the time? These are the hard questions you have to ask yourself.

I recommend trying counseling. Maybe you think it won't go anywhere and it's not worth trying. Think of it this way: You owe it to your wife to give her the chance to make things right. But you'll have to compromise, too. Give it your sincere, 100% best.

It's not wrong to want to be sexually attracted to your wife. As much as some people try to say otherwise, sex IS a big and very important part of marriage and if it's missing or lacking, it only makes sense that the rest will fall apart. I lost that attraction too, for a while, though it had nothing to do with her appearance. Some people are more appearance-oriented than others, and it's neither better nor worse, though you really should try to see past physical imperfections. If you've tried, given it your best, and had a counselor to mediate things, you can at least rest assured that you did what you could to save things instead of taking the easy way out. If you two can sincerely try to fix things, and then find you have irreconcilable differences, you stand a better chance of divorcing somewhat amicably than if you snuck around and had an affair.

I really don't mean for this to come accross as mean or harsh, but honestly, when reading your post it all seems incredibly self-centred and very selfish. It's all about ME ME ME and your own wants and desires. It seems like "geez, I'm tired and bored with married life, I now want to go all out and date hot young women". Unfortunately, life doesn't work that way. We can't simply exchange our lives every time it gets a little dull.

You have said a couple of times "She has stuck with me through thick and thin". and now that she is no longer that "hot young girl" you are no longer attracted to her and go around thinking of young hot "tight" bodies. Not nice.

Sounds like you're going through a major mid life crisis and maybe going to marriage counselling would be a good place to start to help you sort out your issues. If not, perhaps divorce would be a good idea so that you are free to find all those young hot chicks you seem to be craving.

At some point in your life it has to be about ME ME ME. I don't understand the above response ^. Yes you are married but you said this has stuck with you for 10 years. Should you wait another 10 years of unhappiness?

Bro do me a favour and read this book: link removed

It's a 1mb download and from what you've written about your past and current situation it describes you to a tee. Read it now. It could be as simple as every 2 weeks or so taking a day to yourself to do everything you want to do. To stop trying to fix your wifes problems and going out on a limb to make her happy. It's making her a responsibility to you and nothing else. This job that prevents you from doing everything you want. Of course you're not romantically attracted to her. You resent her because you feel like you have to care for her 24/7 and that stops you from enjoying life. Why would you find her attractive? Nights my job prevents me from something I really want to do or go to or see, I hate my job. I certainly wouldn't want to have sex with it and it's saggy job like boobs.

Just read that book before you do anything man. Read it cover to cover. Find a Spanish version, learn Spanish and read it in Spanish if you have to for it to sink in.

i have actually thought about monogamy and wether it's nature or nurture. With so many people cheating or even being tempted to cheat i have personally come to the conclusion that humans were not meant to be with only 1 partner their entire lives. We're just not wired that way, men moreso than women. having said that... trust, honesty and loyalty are everything to me when it comes to my relationship with women. It's up to you to let your sense of those virtues(seems to me you share mine) i listed to guide you in overcomming your base passions. It's what separates us from beasts, the ability to think things through. Like someone else said, it's not just about you anymore you now have a wife and son. Be mature enough to put their needs first before your own.

At some point in your life it has to be about ME ME ME. I don't understand the above response ^. Yes you are married but you said this has stuck with you for 10 years. Should you wait another 10 years of unhappiness?

 

Bro do me a favour and read this book: link removed

 

It's a 1mb download and from what you've written about your past and current situation it describes you to a tee. Read it now.

I'm am of the opinion that once you have a child you no longer get the option for life to be about ME ME ME. Once a child is involved everything you do should be aimed at making their life happier, healthier, and more productive then yours was. Why? Because the child did not ask to be brought into this world. People choose to bring children into the world and thus owe that child everything.

I'm am of the opinion that once you have a child you no longer get the option for life to be about ME ME ME. Once a child is involved everything you do should be aimed at making their life happier, healthier, and more productive then yours was. Why? Because the child did not ask to be brought into this world. People choose to bring children into the world and thus owe that child everything.

I completely agree. I wish I could've grown up with my parents together, but sometimes life doesn't work out that way. I'm not suggesting in anyway that this kid deserves a less than amazing childhood because his father decided to get selfish. But honestly, sometimes you have to do things for yourself. Yes he made a decision. Yes he had a child with this woman. BUT if his feelings have really changed then as long as he still gives 100% to his child, why can't his life be about ME ME ME. I think you may have thought I meant it differently to that, but I would never suggest he throw away the responsibility or duties of being an awesome dad. But that doesn't mean he can't focus on himself and do what he wants to do from now on.

I'd much rather grow up with a happy dad, even if I didn't get to see him as often.

But honestly, sometimes you have to do things for yourself. Yes he made a decision. Yes he had a child with this woman. BUT if his feelings have really changed then as long as he still gives 100% to his child, why can't his life be about ME ME ME. I think you may have thought I meant it differently to that, but I would never suggest he throw away the responsibility or duties of being an awesome dad. But that doesn't mean he can't focus on himself and do what he wants to do from now on.

In that case, he should simply get divorced so that he is free to mess around as much as he wants to. You're surely not suggesting he remains married and has affairs do you?

Think the grass is greener on the other side?

Water your own grass.

Life is not a Bradley Cooper movie. Life is life. Bachelor pads, motorcycles and a different trophy woman every night at 40 and with a kid... dunno, man. It's a bit sad.

It's neither fair nor mature to blame your wife for the consequences of the choices you have made. Or her breasts. Since you are 100 percent responsible for your own happiness, I would recommend to explore the ways in whic you have let yourself down before blaming someone else for the way your life has turned out.

I get what you are saying. I guess I just don't agree with it. Part of being an adult is putting other before yourself (family, children etc), this doesn't mean you can't still work on yourself and doing thing you want to do. In the OP's case I honestly think this is more of a midlife crisis then anything else. If this has been building for 10 years then he has had plenty of time to try and work on it. It has now compounded to the point where the OP needs something in his life to change, but asking his wife to get a boob job? Asking her to have major surgery just so he kind find her a bit more attractive? That is VERY selfish IMO. It would be like a wife looking at her husband one day and saying, "Why don't you get a penis implant and have something done about those sagging testicles?" Can you think of how that would feel to a man?

Nope. Completely against cheating. Divorce away.

It's not just the chicks though, that may be the superficial reason. From the sounds of it, the real problem here is feeling excitement. Adventure. That's what being with a super hot young chick would be. But if you read what he wrote again, his wife doesn't want to face her fears, doesn't seem to want any sort of adventure. This dude has put all the things he wanted to do, the travel, the jumping out of planes etc. to the backburner because he has focused on his wife. I 100% believe he has no one to blame but himself. But that doesn't mean he can't go out and change his life now. It's never too late for that. He's a dude though so all this need for excitement is coming straight from the * * * * . That's why I think he's making such a big deal about a hot chick as opposed to climbing a bad arse mountain or snowboarding or something else exciting that doesn't involve sex.

If he can/wants to achieve that with his wife then by all means bro give that a crack. That would be ideal. I'd highly reccommend counseling and reading that book before you do anything.

I agree that the OP should seek out a therapist. I guess I'm just sort of amazed that he felt it was ok to ask his wife to get major surgery solely so he could find her more appealing. Again, I think if a woman asked a man to get a penis implant there would be a huge out cry on here.

I get the impression that the OP is not bring this issues up with his wife in a very productive way. I could be wrong, it just the impression I am getting. If he wants to go sky diving on the weekends, he should do it. By why does his wife have to be forced to do things that scare her? Marriage, like all relationships, is a constant renegotiation, she is happy with a quiet life, he wants to go sky-diving, together they need to work it out. I find the OP's attitude very, well, offensive. He is putting all the blame on his wife, she gained weight, her breast sag, she is boring, etc. Yet, there is no mention of an sincere attempt to work on this issues. Instead he asks her to get major surgery and toys with the idea of having a mistress. Again, IMO, this is very selfish.

I LOVE beautiful women, truly do, appreciate them as a person, as a human being, would love to know their soul. I don't cheat, never have, but part of me just longs for the touch of a tight body.

To me, this said it all.

If you really appreciate women as human beings, and you want to get to know their "soul", how about trying with your wife?

Oh, that's right, she doesn't have a "tight" body anymore, and refuses to get surgery that is designed to please your sense of physical aesthetics.

Well, to each their own.

I agree with Talus. It's time to live your life. I'm pregnant and am due in September, but I don't plan to make my life solely focused on being mommy. I think as human beings it's normal to have "wants" and "selfish desires" and to have things--or milestones that you want to do. You shouldn't have to suppress that or deny those things and be miserable. I believe everyone should live a happy fulfilling life. The problem is that what is happy and fulfilling is different from one human being to another. While your wife is content being a suburban mom, and not doing anything too adventurous, you'd rather take risks, travel, etc. Nothing wrong with what either of you want--you just have to come to a middle ground. For instance, would it be possible for you to take a 4 day weekend to travel somewhere you always wanted to go. Or for you to buy a motorcycle and make a small road trip?

As for other women--that's a different matter. I hate to say this, but would your wife be open to "swinging" or to allowing you to be with another woman just once(BTW I know this is controversial--just wondering LOL)--or what about a threesome? IS it just the fact that your wife has aged that makes her unattractive--have you two tried role-playing, risky sex, etc? You may just need to spice up the bedroom. As for her weight gain--only she can control that, but you can be honest and tell her that you are not attracted to her with her body the weight it is. It's harsh but it's honest.

I do think at this point if you STILL want to be married, you should see a marriage counselor. But I ALSO think that it's time to stop playing Mr. "Make her happy" and do SOME of the things that makes you happy. Live life--after all who wants to live a life where they a miserable--that's not living that's just existing.

Agree with lostnscared and Talus. The OP grew up in a divorced home and seems terrified of recreating it. This needs talking through with a therapist because he is putting all the responsibility of keeping the home together on himself. That's not how it should be. She is an equal partner and they should try for a marriage which meets both of their needs. He doesn't say how much weight she's gained. Maybe it's a lot. But it could be more than that. It could be that she never dresses sexy or, as he said, refuses to do anything adventurous. Look, plenty of suburban moms would love a weekend away in Paris or a road trip through the wine country, or to run a marathon together. He needs to be upfront with her or he will end up cheating. Telling him to be selfless and put his family first is not helping because he doesn't know how to in a healthy way. They need marriage counseling so that they can discuss this stuff with a neutral 3rd party and so he can express his needs. I would bet a million dollars that he says nothing and then either lashes out in frustration or brings this stuff up out of the blue and his wife is taken aback and defensive and shuts down.

I can feel the burden on him through this post. It will only lead to resentment on his part. OP = your wife is a grown woman. She does not need another adult to think for her. So treat her with some respect and work WITH her in a constructive way to find a good compromise. I'm not going to get plastic surgery for someone else but I might go on holiday or take up a fun sport. Also, make some friends and do stuff with them.

It could be that she never dresses sexy or, as he said, refuses to do anything adventurous. Look, plenty of suburban moms would love a weekend away in Paris or a road trip through the wine country, or to run a marathon together.

Sure, some suburbans moms run marathons. Most don't. This particular one apparently doesn't. There's no right or wrong here. She is who she is.

Should she say, "my husband is too adventurous, takes too many risks, and is too scattered. It turns me off. He should stop being so adventurous in order to please my content spirit"? No. She is who she is. He married her, for goodness sake.

Honestly, it sounds like the OP is looking to fill a void within himself and it's easier to shift blame on to his wife. Nobody can prevent you from enjoying your life. If you want to get a penthouse condo, get one. It sounds like you're loaded and you can afford it. If you like tight bodies, why don't you run a marathon and touch yourself? Stop expecting someone else to live your dreams for you.

As far as whether you should cheat on her, that's an obvious no. Should you divorce her? Only you know that. But until you try to fill the void within you in the context of your marriage, there's a pretty good chance you'll be just as discontent as a divorcee.

I don't the OP is selfish for wanted to start doing the things he wants in life. What I do find selfish is; 1) Asking your SO to get major surgery 2) Thinking about having a mistress 3) Blaming all your problems on your SO 4) Expecting your SO to change who they are just to make you happy.

I completely agree with Rocio. If the OP's wife demanded that he stop doing all of the things he liked everyone who be saying how selfish she was. Yet few here have a problem with him making these demands on her.

Good to know the double standard is still alive and healthy.

If you are a woman, what is your point of view. Would you have an affair with a man in y circumstances? I keep thinking that this is all caused by monogamy, being married forever, all historical artifacts of a time when people got married in their mid teens and had a life expectation of 30...

You asked the question, so I am going to answer it. No....because it sounds as if you are narrowing a woman's beauty down to the sum of her "body parts"...and secondly I don't want a man treating me like a * * * * * , no matter how happy it would make you feel, because your life is oh so terrible isn't it? You have a content wife, with saggy breasts! Oh my, poor you!

If you want the thrill of a lustful sexual experience, go and find yourself the type of women that take money for giving you the pleasure of your mental fantasy world.

As for your wife...if don't love this woman the way you know in your heart you should, then let her go. I would hate to be in her situation, with a man saying the type of things about her that you are saying. If you don't love someone, don't feel sexual attraction to them, see everything wrong in them....then let them go.

Go and find yourself that tight body, and you will realise that the grass is not as green on the other side as you think it is.

You know I know a guy who felt the same way. He felt like he needed to sow his wild oats and married life jsut wasn't doing it for him anymore....

So he got a divorce and you know what happened....he was alone for many many years. All the hot younge babes he thought he would be banging....of course they didn't want to have anything to do with him! His wife on the other hand married a wonderful man about 2 yeras later and is very happy.

Don't kid yourself you're not a hot young dude anymore you're not going to run out and score 20 year olds. Seriously odds are it's just not going to happen. I think you just need to work on what you have you seem to still love your wife maybe you can bring the passion back...you said you had the resources, so use them get a counselor a sex therapist or something. I think if what you want is to save your marraige it can and should be done but it's going to take work.

Her body isn't what it was because she gave birth to your 'wonderful' son.

BE selfish. If we are not selfish enough to care about our own happiness, we end up with nothing of value to give to anyone. Instead everyone just ends up down in an unhappy hole of obligation trying to stand on their heads to please everyone else meanwhile losing sight of the fact that each person is responsible for their own happiness. I think we should all be putting our own happiness first, and this doesn't change when you meet someone or have children. My bf and I are planning on putting something into our wedding vows about committing to taking care of our own inner states, because a relationship can't stand when the people involved are looking to each other, instead of themselves, for happiness.

Putting your own happiness first doesn't mean you walk out on your wife all of a sudden, it doesn't mean cheat on her (please don't) or talk her into breast implants. When you gain more clarity, you may find that your marriage can grow into what you really desire, or you may find that you truly don't want to be there. Understand you won't ruin your son's life by putting your needs first. When he grows up, do you think he would be like, "Dad, I really appreciate you being miserable all that time so that I could grow up in the illusion of a happy household"? I doubt it. And if you realize you truly don't want to be in your marriage, but stay anyway, something's going to give eventually and cause a bigger mess than if you had just done what was right for yourself.

I would suggest not taking any action until you are less confused. I don't think you know where your unhappiness really lies. I don't know if you could really say right now what it is you want exactly. When you're in a good-feeling mood, take some time to sort it out, and try to get down to the root--for example, do you want a young, attractive woman, or are you wanting more excitement and thrill in your life in general? Though I think a lot of people here are rooting for you to work on improving the marriage first (me included) there's not a wrong answer, and we don't know what would actually be best. Keep in mind "there is no private good." Things have a way of working out best for everyone when we are following our true selves.

Her body isn't what it was because she gave birth to your 'wonderful' son.

Bull! Typical excuse. My wife's friend had 2 boys, 2 years apart. Both times she lost all the weight back to the same weight she was prior to having kids. My other friend's wife has 3 daughters, all beautiful young women, and you can't honestly tell the mother apart from her 26 year old daughter. She's 40 and looks 18. My own mother was the same way. She lost all her weight after she had me.

A wife has an obligation to her husband to remain attractive, especially if the husband is too. You knew this when you first got him. Why would you stop giving this importance just cause you are married? Kids are just the excuse women who get too comfortable use, and let themselves go then don't have the willpower to do anything about it. Losing weight takes exercising. That's all. And there's nothing wrong with exercise and maintaining a healthy body.

Kids are not the reason you are fat. It's FOOD, and lack of exercise!

My mother-in-law used to blame her weight gain on my wife. My wife blamed her weight gain--with which I never took issue, not even once--on me (it happened before our daughter was born.) I eat reasonably healthy and am pretty active, so this always grated on me. She only recently apologized during a counseling session for holding it against me. Thankfully, she's never blamed it on our daughter's birth, probably because of what her mother's blame did to her.

Realistically, a woman does change after childbirth. Hell, a lot of men do too. Hormonally, chemically and psychologically. However, it's much easier to sympathize with this when someone is reasonably active and eats in moderation (like my wife, hence why I've never even fretted over it) rather than saying "Well screw it. I'll never look like I used to anyway, so what's the point?" What if a husband said "Well, I'll never be a nice guy again, so I guess I'll just be a rude, insensitive snot now that I'm married?" Neither is more or less important.

Yes, a person in a relationship should find their partner sexy even if they aren't physically perfect. Personally, i think attitude, confidence, and personality are most important, and that a "sexy" mindset can make up for a whole host of superficial imperfections. That said, there is a logical limit to things. There comes a point--and it varies from person to person--at which a partner can't be expected to shoulder the entire responsibility for finding their mate attractive. You can't "create" sexual attraction out of a vacuum from nothing more than marital commitment and "a beautiful personality."

Does that mean I think what the OP is proposing is right? No, I don't agree with it. I think he and his wife should make the effort to patch things up on BOTH sides. But if she's unwilling to compromise to a reasonable degree, I think there's absolutely nothing wrong with him considering a split and seeking what he wants. Anyone who would hold that against him or think less of him as a person for that should be ashamed of themselves.

Hey! I have three kids and am a UK size 8/10 which is a US 4/6 (I think). I'm the first to despair when I do see women let themselves go after children and worse, after marriage. BUT my body is not the same as it was before and never will be without surgery. I did what's best for them by breastfeeding for a combined total of about 2.5 years so if anyone wants to donate to the 'superfox appeal to putting her boobs back up where they should be' then I'd be more than grateful ;-)