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Thread: Why wouldn't my ex tell me about her new boyfriend?

  1. #1
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    Why wouldn't my ex tell me about her new boyfriend?

    It's pretty clear to me that my ex is with somebody now... the guy that she was holding hands with in the photo at the time of her "confusion" about us. At the time, my ex used my reaction to this photo as a reason for breaking up with me. She said it was the "final straw".

    I accused her of lying. I told her I wasn't stupid. You don't hold hands and get cosey in a corner with a friend. She got very angry and said "nothing's going on and you know it! I've done nothing wrong. If you're going to keep accusing me then don't bother speaking to me."

    OK, I did over react but I was right it seems because a few months later she went and stayed with him for new year. As you all know by now.

    The only thing that I can't get my head round is why to this day she's still not told me that she's with him.

    I asked her at new year and she didn't respond to my text. She replied the next day but chose to ignore that question in particular. She called me when she got back from Glasgow and told me that she'd been in Glasgow but didn't mention anything to do with this guy. We spoke for two hours and it was really nice. Maybe she was going to tell me then but bottled it.

    Then a few months later in LC, I asked her again and she ignored it and changed the subject. She used to always do this whenever I asked if she wanted to meet up or speak about us. She'd always make an excuse like "I'm sorry I'm so bad at texting back!".

    The only time I got any sort of closure from her was in her email to me last weekend which looks like it was only written to ease her guilt. In my email to her, I told her that I'm sure the last thing she wants is me hanging around when she has a boyfriend. Again, she didn't mention this in her email back to me.

    She said things like "it may seem like I've moved on" which kind of hints that she hasn't but then she said "I'm sure you're making up for lost time and I'm cool with that" which suggests that she doesn't care what the hell I'm up to because she's happy with her new boyfriend.

    But surely if she was happy with somebody else now she'd tell me? It's pretty obvious so why is she trying to hide it still? Is she worried that it'll show her to be a liar and it'll make her look horrible? Is she just keeping it to herself because it'll hurt me more? Or does she maybe want to keep the option open knowing that I am still single?

    When I split with my previous ex, she told me everything. She wasn't vague. She explained that she could no longer be with me and that she was with somebody else. A childhood friend and she was happy. Yes, it hurt, but I really appreciated her honesty looking back and we are now very close friends. Probably closer than when we were together in a weird way.

    It's just horrible to sit here in NC and think of her every day when she's probably laughing about me and having the time of her life with her new boyfriend. I just feel so cheated because in her email to me, she made it seem like it was just circumstances that split us up. I just don't know what to believe anymore. I never thought she'd be the person to just dump me for a better offer but it kind of looks that way.

    I know that it's none of my business and I shouldn't be beating myself up over something I can't control but I really do want her back. The reasons she gave for us breaking up in my opinion and repairable and I've been hanging on to that thought. But if the reasons she gave were all lies then I just feel sick that I've put myself through all of this * * * * for the past five months while all the time she's with her new guy.

    I just don't know what to think anymore. I just don't understand how after nearly two years somebody can just decide "oh, I like this guy more, I'll dump my ex" and not only do it, but do it so coldly like the person doesn't matter. I doubt NC is going to do anything. It's been almost two weeks and I don't feel any better. If anything, I feel worse in a way because I've made a big stand that is probably being discussed and laughed at by her and her friends.

    I just read her email and I just can't decide whether it's bull* * * * or genuine. I just wish I knew the truth. I was in limbo before I decide to go NC and I was sick of it and I am still in limbo now. Why did she have to reply to my email? What did she think it would achieve? It probably made her feel like a better person for sending it. But the truth is, had she not sent me a response I would've felt better because I feel like she's had the last word rather than me.

    I have no reason to contact her and I won't but I thought that I'd have made SOME progress by now. I'd be willing to bet that she's a lot better off without me hanging around. I'm sure her new guy is very happy about that too.

    Erased. Replaced.
    Last edited by Mustang; 04-14-2008 at 02:07 PM.

  2. 04-14-2008, 02:01 PM

  3. #2
    Platinum Member Cognitive_Canine's Avatar
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    Utter guilt. That's why.

    You didn't overreact. I wouldn't be happy if my bf was holding hands with another girl.

    This girl seems like nothing but trouble. I'd get away from her.
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    Guilty, back burner maybe. Go NC. I am in the same situation it sucks don't do LC it sucks even worse. Next time mine calls she will get the voicemail.

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    She's guilty and trying to redirect the guilt back onto you. Classic breakup move. Be glad she's gone.

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    Your choice is simple. For how long will you choose to be miserable. This has ZERO to do with her now and everything to do with you. It's a choice. You can choose to remain "in it", or completely take yourself out of it. Even thinking about her is like crack for you. You have the willpower to put the pipe down if that's really what you want.

    All the words that you do or do not exchange with her are meaningless. They literally mean less then nothing. Action means something. Action tells you that you were dumped and replaced, and you should always have that in the front of your mind. YOU WERE DUMPED AND REPLACED. Can't say that any clearer. If you're looking for her to write you some email, or make some phonecall where she just acts like the biggest jerk on the planet and tells you to go take a flying leap, you're unlikely to get it. That's not how these things end. The ex will keep being "kind of sweet" to you because it's an ego boost for her to know that she's so special that her ex is still holding a torch for her even though he knows that she's seeing a new person.

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    Yeah, that makes sense Enchiladaman. I just don't understand what the hell I did to deserve to be treated like absolute * * * * . She was the most loyal and genuine girlfriend.

    OK, I could probably accept that she met somebody new that interested her. She's at uni. I'm at uni. I know how it can be. But after being with me for so long, surely I was worth more than just being ignored and lied to.

    What really annoys me is that whilst she's out having this great new life with this new guy, I am in a position where I won't be able to trust anybody for a very long time. No matter who I am with, I will always have the thought of "Well, they'll only bolt when somebody else comes along." I am going to be insecure for a very long time.

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    Quote Originally Posted by jettison View Post
    Your choice is simple. For how long will you choose to be miserable. This has ZERO to do with her now and everything to do with you. It's a choice. You can choose to remain "in it", or completely take yourself out of it. Even thinking about her is like crack for you. You have the willpower to put the pipe down if that's really what you want.

    All the words that you do or do not exchange with her are meaningless. They literally mean less then nothing. Action means something. Action tells you that you were dumped and replaced, and you should always have that in the front of your mind. YOU WERE DUMPED AND REPLACED. Can't say that any clearer. If you're looking for her to write you some email, or make some phonecall where she just acts like the biggest jerk on the planet and tells you to go take a flying leap, you're unlikely to get it. That's not how these things end. The ex will keep being "kind of sweet" to you because it's an ego boost for her to know that she's so special that her ex is still holding a torch for her even though he knows that she's seeing a new person.

    Pretty spot on, this helped me ill tell ya...

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Cognitive_Canine's Avatar
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    yeah, i felt that way for a long time due to no reliable adult male figures in my life. All my mom's bfs always split when the going gets tough. You have to keep yourself open though.

    When I went LD with my bf, everyone around us assumed it would fail. Out of the 20 or so LDR's that I know of, only one other couple is in tact.
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  10. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by jettison View Post
    Your choice is simple. For how long will you choose to be miserable. This has ZERO to do with her now and everything to do with you. It's a choice. You can choose to remain "in it", or completely take yourself out of it. Even thinking about her is like crack for you. You have the willpower to put the pipe down if that's really what you want.

    All the words that you do or do not exchange with her are meaningless. They literally mean less then nothing. Action means something. Action tells you that you were dumped and replaced, and you should always have that in the front of your mind. YOU WERE DUMPED AND REPLACED. Can't say that any clearer. If you're looking for her to write you some email, or make some phonecall where she just acts like the biggest jerk on the planet and tells you to go take a flying leap, you're unlikely to get it. That's not how these things end. The ex will keep being "kind of sweet" to you because it's an ego boost for her to know that she's so special that her ex is still holding a torch for her even though he knows that she's seeing a new person.
    Do you think I want to think of her all the time after how she's treated me? Hell no. I want to hate her. I want to be angry with her. I want her to know how I feel. I want to move on. I don't deserve to be treated like this way. Nobody does. I thought I meant something to her but I obviously didn't mean that much to her. I just feel like everything she ever said to me was a lie. That's a bit crazy I know but she's telling me she loves me when she's getting with this guy and then dumping me because I react to it.

    I am just so annoyed with myself for being so nice. Even in my closure email to her I was nice! I can't wait for the day that I get to tell her to * * * * off. I really can't. But right now, I still want her back. It's crazy but I do. A thin line between love and hate as the saying goes.

    What really annoys me is that she's moved on, she's happy, blah blah blah and I'm utterly miserable. I look like the pathetic and clingy ex and she looks like the strong happy girl. None of her friends speak to me anymore. It's almost like they are all on her side. I just feel so worthless and as I mentioned before, I will do for a very long time.

    What makes me even more angry is the fact that she's lying to protect herself. No matter how hurt that makes me. I am going to be seriously * * * * ed up by this for a while. How can I trust anybody ever again?

    She needs to learn that she can't go through live treating people the way she has. But karma is a funny thing.

  11. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mustang View Post
    Yeah, that makes sense Enchiladaman. I just don't understand what the hell I did to deserve to be treated like absolute * * * * . She was the most loyal and genuine girlfriend.

    So loyal and genuine that she dumped and replaced you?

    You might not have done one darn thing to deserve the treatment you got, but from the sounds of it she will do and say whatever she can to make sure that she doesn't feel a single ounce of guilt.

    And now be THANKFUL. Now this other guy has to worry if she will ditch out on him when the next best thing comes around or when he has his guard down in the relationship. These same women do this in a marriage when things are getting a little stale.

    You just dodged a bullet. Stop worrying about her.

    And do yourself a HUGE favor. Dont contact her anymore. Completely close her off. No emails, no phone calls, no nothing. Anything at this point will be wasting your time and will do nothing but make you feel worse. Completely fall of the face of the planet and close any aspect of her out of your mind and eventually you'll realize that she did you a favor.
    Last edited by enchiladaman; 04-14-2008 at 02:29 PM.

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