Green Monstah....

[fnlyfrei]

I know I can be a jealous person. I am working on it.

 

My fiance' and I were at a home improvement center looking for things we needed for a tile job. A tall, blonde, slender female walked right up to him and faced him until he recognized her...when he did, they shared a warm hug.

I guess she is the wife of a guy he used to work with. He introduced me as his fiance' and then she excused herself because she works there. Cool...

 

But after that, he seemed distracted and kept turning around to look whenever he heard a female's voice behind us...(it was obvious he was looking for her) Then when we found our items and were ready to check out..he said he needed to go tell her goodbye,-because he did not want to be rude and just leave. (she works there...I am sure she wouldn't have been heartbroken if we just left....it wasn't a social call...)

 

So he did, but I copped an attitude right then, muttered goodbye...I was irritated with how he "lit up" every time he thought he heard her voice...and how he needed to say goodbye. Yes, it bugged me.

 

I told him that perhaps I am not ready for marriage because of the jealousy issue. I meant it.

 

I have seen a few recent posts by women who thought the man was awesome, they marry and he turns into creep of the universe...even after some have dated for 6 years...

 

I really care about this man, and he is a sweetheart, people genuinely like him, and I can understand things to a degree...but sometimes I get those horrid twinges when he acts so "happy" about someone else, in my presense. The hugging part did not bother me, it was the him seeking her out after that upset me a bit.

 

I do not want to marry him and find out he is a total jerk. I don't know what is me or what is him...if I am having premonitions and I should listen to myself..or if I am just paranoid. The wedding is in two months.

Can counseling help? Is there a book I should read? Is it completely me?

[Siriana]

Is there something more about him that concerns you?

What are your doubts?

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

First off I love Colorado!! I live in the Denver Metro Area.

 

Anyhoo, I remember stumbling accross some of your posts about marrying this guy and for very valid reasons. Perhaps these little occurrences that have been happening are little warning signs that perhaps you should wait marrying your fiance until some things get straigtened out.

 

Always listen to your instincts. They are never wrong.

 

Hang in there.

[fnlyfrei]

Oh, I don't want to detail and bullet all of my little things...which could be insecurities, plus he probably reads my posts here. ( I don't care if he does, I have nothing to hide.) I would rather go to the mat NOW about any issues we have than to wait until after we are married. He is awesome in many ways. I guess I do need to break down and schedule us a counsellor before anything else. Everyone, including him, tells me you can never be sure...but I also do not want to go blindly into this and then kick myself later.

[kellbell]

I was wodnering, do you and your fiance go to church? Perhaps a few sessions of pre-marital counseling will help.

[fnlyfrei]

I am not a churchgoer. We have different beliefs. He is a christian and I have basic spiritual beliefs. He would like me to go to church with him...but I really only would go for him, not because I think or believe like anyone there. I really couldn't handle a session where the bible was quoted or jesus was brought into it. I feel it would be hypocritical for me. I guess I would prefer just a counselor not affiliated with religion.

[willow2900]

Did you talk to him about it afterwards? I mean actually talk, not just the jealous snappy remarks (I understand those remarks and how they come out of your mouth without even really realizing it - I'm a scorpio - the most jealous creatures out there!)

 

If you haven't, I would talk to him about it. And not in a way that is so casual it's fake, but straight up. Tell him somthing bugged you about his behaviour and tell him about how you felt. If it was truly nothing in his mind and he was just being polite than he should not be offended by hearing you say this. If anything I would see if he could maybe help you out with working through these insecurities.

[heloladies21]

I had very much the same situation happening with me and my gf. So many fights over her accusing me of this kind of stuff. I did my very best to get to the bottom of it, I'm not one of those guys to hold it in or sweep things under the rug. Finally I connected the dots and it's been solved.

 

It's up to him to alleviate your mind of those doubts, there's nothing you can actively do because you can't control the way you feel. He has to make a change in the way he's acting with you. Send him here, let me have a talk with him, but if he's not willing to make the change and drop the "nice guy" act, then there would just be no point in getting married. It would only end in a divorce.

[fnlyfrei]

I had very much the same situation happening with me and my gf. So many fights over her accusing me of this kind of stuff. I did my very best to get to the bottom of it, I'm not one of those guys to hold it in or sweep things under the rug. Finally I connected the dots and it's been solved.

 

It's up to him to alleviate your mind of those doubts, there's nothing you can actively do because you can't control the way you feel. He has to make a change in the way he's acting with you. Send him here, let me have a talk with him, but if he's not willing to make the change and drop the "nice guy" act, then there would just be no point in getting married. It would only end in a divorce.

 

Okay, I think it is MY problem. I do not understand your take on the "nice guy" act...???? Please explain.

[heloladies21]

Ok, well lemme ask you this. When you said to him:

I told him that perhaps I am not ready for marriage because of the jealousy issue. I meant it.

how did he react? What was his side of it as explained to you?

 

When you were upset, how did he respond to it? If my gf is visibly unhappy, I ask her what's wrong. Not necessarily to console her, just to get to the bottom of it. Did he ask?

[fnlyfrei]

Did you talk to him about it afterwards? I mean actually talk, not just the jealous snappy remarks (I understand those remarks and how they come out of your mouth without even really realizing it - I'm a scorpio - the most jealous creatures out there!)

 

If you haven't, I would talk to him about it. And not in a way that is so casual it's fake, but straight up. Tell him somthing bugged you about his behaviour and tell him about how you felt. If it was truly nothing in his mind and he was just being polite than he should not be offended by hearing you say this. If anything I would see if he could maybe help you out with working through these insecurities.

 

I know I need to talk specifically about how I felt with him. I did tell him I recognized that a normal, secure, individual would have thought nothing of it. He has been dating for years and years...I know he will be bumping into females after/if we get married. I need to learn not to morph into the snarling monster instinctually. I need to learn to feel better about myself so I won't care so much. I know when he was so distracted after they met I felt like I weighed about 500 pounds and had bad acne or something. I felt ugly. I know he was attracted to her and enjoyed talking to her.

[fnlyfrei]

Ok, well lemme ask you this. When you said to him:

 

how did he react? What was his side of it as explained to you?

 

When you were upset, how did he respond to it? If my gf is visibly unhappy, I ask her what's wrong. Not necessarily to console her, just to get to the bottom of it. Did he ask?

 

He just grew quiet and kept working...I stayed away from him. I fully expected him to say, "Yeah, you are wayyy too jealous...you need to get over this before I can marry you." He just said it wasn't THAT big of a deal and there are worse things to deal with..and that WE could work on it. I think he is a bit more forgiving than I would be. I also think the wedding means a lot to him. I told him I just don't want to ruin another marriage. One divorce is my lifetime limit.

[desertnomad]

I wouldnt marry someone if I had the feelings and gut instincts you are having right now. It may be just that you need to work on the trust issue but it makes no difference. Marriage doesnt solve problems. It makes them even harder to deal with. I would go to counseling for sure. That will help you two see eye to eye better.

 

Not being on the same page as far as religion goes can be a serious issue also in a marriage.

 

Honestly from a guys standpoint ..giving too much attention to another female may be the sign of something. Its one thing to be very friendly which is normal its another thing to act all enamored with someone...christian or not. Guess you need to be sure which it was for your own peace of mind.

[heloladies21]

He just grew quiet and kept working...I stayed away from him. I fully expected him to say, "Yeah, you are wayyy too jealous...you need to get over this before I can marry you." He just said it wasn't THAT big of a deal and there are worse things to deal with..

Yeah, see he's one of those non-confrontational, hold it inside, deal with it later kind of guys. So many guys are like this, why do you think the divorce rate and break up rate are so high? How many relationships did I ruin because of acting this way, ignoring the problem instead of dealing with it right on the spot.

 

He's the prototypical case. I know him because I was him. Then I learned not to hold it inside or hope that the problem will just go away.

 

I know the way he's making you feel, his apathetic response makes you feel like he doesn't care about you fully. A guy who cares would've responded the way you were expecting.

 

In any case, I'm here to help him and in essense help you. no guarantees, because he also has to be willing to understand and make the change, but if no change is made, then you two will both be single in the near future.