My Affair

[cheating_heart_broken]

Hello,

 

Im actually looking for someone to talk to that has been in my situation. As I read the threads I know that there are alot of you out there. Im in desperate need of help and advice so if you could help my let me know. Its a long, confusing and sorted story to say the least. Here it is.

 

Ive been with my husband since pretty much my first day of high school. Im still with him. We have now been married for 7 years this year. We have a 8 year old son that I love very much. I got pregnant 1 month after I graduated high school, I was 18 and we were married a year later.

 

During the time my husband and I were dating I did cheat at least 2-3 times. Only once with sex being involved. The sex being with my first love that I met before I met my husband. That affair with my first love ended because he left.

 

Five years into my marriage my husband met someone who became his friend.

To try to make a long story short I eventually fell in love with him. I had an affair with this man and it had actually ended 2 days ago. My husband knew about the affair, I did tell him because the guilt was killing me but I continued to do it because I loved the other man and I couldnt stop. He was like an addiction and a drug that I became addicted to and still am I guess. I tried to break off the affair previously without success because of what I felt for him and what I thought he felt for me.

 

Well I came to find out that the man I was having an affair with was also cheating on me or continplating cheating on me because another woman called his home when I was there and thats was 2 days ago when I ended it. So I felt like my affair was a lie and that the man never reallly loved me at all. He did want me to make a decision. I didnt want to leave my husband because I did still love him.The man I had the affair with abused me physically and verbally but I still loved him and Im afraid I still do. As of right now Im trying to work on my marriage. But im still very conflicted. I havent heard or seen the other man since I ended it.

 

I have contimpated calling him but I dont think I can or will. I want to get over him and get on with my life but I dont know if I will ever stop loving him. My husband is a good man and he loves me unconditionally at the time I started this affair I guess it was more for me because I was looking for acceptance, love, and something different. My husband and I were fighting at the time. My husband loves me and I do love him too but Im afriaid I still love the other man too. Looking forward to any advice you can give.

 

Thanks

[macgyver4ever]

Stop talking to the other guy right away. The sooner you stop, the sooner you will get out of the "fog." As soon as this clears up you will be able to see it for what it is.

[fnlyfrei]

As you have learned...if someone cheats with you...they will have no trouble cheating ON you. They won't trust you...because you aren't being trustworthy. In having an affair, you are asking for a double standard by expecting the "other man" to stay true to you. He doesn't respect you. He doesn't love you. It is a kettle of fish. There are no winners. Stick with the one who loves you. If the other guy cared in the first place...he wouldn't have had an affair with you. Affairs are selfish things. On both ends.

[cheating_heart_broken]

Thanks for the advice, you have made me feel better. I am going to stay with husband. I just feel I need to get some kind of revenge because of the other man betraying me but for now im just going to work on my marriage and making it work because I do love my husband.

[fnlyfrei]

Thanks for the advice, you have made me feel better. I am going to stay with husband. I just feel I need to get some kind of revenge because of the other man betraying me but for now im just going to work on my marriage and making it work because I do love my husband.

 

 

Good for you. It won't be easy to build up trust again, but nothing worthwhile is ever easy. I hope you both go into some sort of counsel together to learn what went wrong and what you can do to prevent it from happening again.

No kind of revenge on the other guy will get through to him anyway. He would have to care on some level. Don't think about revenge, face forward, look to the horizon, and make some plans for the future for yourself.....even thinking about whatshisname is a waste of energy. Good luck and ((BIG HUGS))...be happy.

[lovesickkk]

cue JT....." what goes around, comes around"

[fnlyfrei]

So I felt like my affair was a lie and that the man never reallly loved me at all.

 

 

It WAS a lie !!! ....affair and lie should be together in the dictionary!

 

 

Hope you are going to be okay.

[cheating_heart_broken]

I honesty hope I will be ok too. I like the saying what goes around comes around and I hope what I did to him will bite him in his !*&. As for my affair my husband has forgiven me. I just hope Ill forget and get over it eventually because I honestly dont know know what will happen if I dont. Its like I cant get him off my mind, he even haunts my dreams. I feel like a fool and I know im blind and dumb when it came to him. As long as I stay away from him I hope ill be ok. I dont know how to get him off my mind. Im going to take it one day at a time for now on.

[lostinwilderness]

Thanks for the advice, you have made me feel better. I am going to stay with husband. I just feel I need to get some kind of revenge because of the other man betraying me but for now im just going to work on my marriage and making it work because I do love my husband.

 

Best revenge would be a successful mariage. However, is that something you really want enough to commit too? Although you say that you love your husband and he seems committed to you, your whole post is about your relationship with other men (plural). Your husband (and you) deserve to be in a relationship where you are both the sole focus. Do not just 'fall back' on your husband, because he is willing to forgive you, and then set yourself up to cheat again next oppertunaty.

[cheating_heart_broken]

No im not going to set my self up to cheat again thats why no contact with him is so important. I agree with u that the best revenge is a successful marriage and that Is what im going to focus on becasue my love for him never died it just clouded for a while.

[intentionalstarvation]

I honesty hope I will be ok too. I like the saying what goes around comes around and I hope what I did to him will bite him in his !*&. As for my affair my husband has forgiven me. I just hope Ill forget and get over it eventually because I honestly dont know know what will happen if I dont. Its like I cant get him off my mind, he even haunts my dreams. I feel like a fool and I know im blind and dumb when it came to him. As long as I stay away from him I hope ill be ok. I dont know how to get him off my mind. Im going to take it one day at a time for now on.

 

I'm going through the same thing right now, and the comments that people on this forum have made have been very helpful for me. The person I had an affair with treated me quite poorly, I realize now, but I have continued to feel "haunted" by him. For some reason there are chemicals in our brains that attract us to these men, even though rationally they are bad for us. I've been researching the science of the brain and emotions by reading science textbooks (LOL) to figure out WHY it's so difficult to get over and I've learned that it is possible to change the way we feel by repeatedly breaking that feeling of desire by telling ourselves the TRUTH. I think it will take time, but I believe it will work. I think it's kind of similar to post-traumatic stress disorder, in an odd way.

 

Both of us are very fortunate that we have spouses that truly love us and forgive us and are giving us another chance. It's almost impossible to find love like that in life, and so we should always be thankful and embrace that love.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I think what has struck me about your post is that nowhere have you mentioned any remorse for cheating on your husband (on several occasions). You talk about how forgiving he is but you don't talk about the pain he must be feeling. Do you understand that as much pain as you are feeling, he is probably feeling worse. Perhaps you should put yourself in his shoes. You want revenge on the affair man but what you don't seem to see is that what you have done to your husband is no better than what affair man did to you. You betrayed your husband's love more than once. You could argue that cheating one time might just be a mistake, but you have now cheated on him more than once. Previously, no sex was involved...now there was a full-blown affair...in other words, you got away with it before so you went full speed ahead the next time around and got really burned.

 

You need to sort yourself out and figure out why you are prone to cheating. Why are you so unhappy. Please don't blame it on fighting with your husband. You did not cheat because you and your husband were fighting. There is something within YOU that makes you behave in this manner. Figure out what is going on in your head...read books, seek counselling...figure out yourself. I am concerned that you will end up cheating again.

[dada]

Sometimes, the less one say's the better the effect. GROW UP! You have a family and you are responsible to them.

[CallingAllAngels]

Wow...

 

As someone who is in the middle of a divorce because MY husband cheated on ME, all I can say to you, is "what goes around comes around..."

 

No sympathy here. You are LUCKY your husband stays. He could walk WITH your children, and, rather than try to focus on that, you want to get "revenge" on your lover? OMG...are you serious????????

 

YOU have your priorities all screwed up....

 

GOOD LUCK

[RayKay]

When someone is able to forgive you the first time; your job is to make sure you never need them to have to do it again. I feel horrible for your husband in this situation, and your child.

 

I cannot comprehend why you are so focused on the "lies" your affair partner told you when the fact is you yourself were married, cheating, lying and he was free to do as he pleased since he was unattached. Even having a "successful marriage" is "revenge" to him rather than wanting to heal and love your husband.

 

I suggest you need some therapy and counselling for yourself, and your husband both individually and as a couple NOW. Because there is some SERIOUS issues going on here that are far deeper than anyone here can help you with.

 

 

Good Luck.

[dada]

[ I've learned that it is possible to change the way we feel by repeatedly breaking that feeling of desire by telling ourselves the TRUTH. ]

 

WOW! This is one of the more mature and responsible suggestions I read since I joined. It is sooooo true. All to often we live our lives by our feelings instead of the truth. Our feelings change with the wind. But, the truth will be true a hundred years from now. And "The truth will set us free!"

[doyathink]

Honestly, I can't say that I feel sorry for you. What went around DID come back around...right...on...you! You cheated on your husband...you got cheated on by your affair partner. And somehow you feel you didn't deserve this?

Karma got its revenge.

[mrmaximum]

I have to agree with a lot of the posters here, you now see some of your mistakes but you show no remorse for them. You need to fix that right away, like someone else said you have to figure yourself out, your hubby and your child deserves better. If you really think about it, you got used by some guy who knew he could take advantage of you. Essentially, you jeapordized your marriage for a fling. Sure you love him, but you're nothing but a notch on his bedpost that's it. Think about that for a second, your hubby's happiness and child's well being was gambled on the craps table for 'just a little fun' for him.

One more thing to think about, as bad as what Sancho did to you, what about you did to your hubby? He was living a lie for quite some time now thinking all sorts of things were decent but not at all. Its time for thinking about others beside yourself, if you continue on this path, your loved ones may really pay the price.

 

Good Luck and God Bless

[BeStrongBeHappy]

yes, i would suggest a therapist too... you are worried and angry about your lover cheating on you, but you are cheating on your own husband... there is a very wide reality gap there, where you are angry about a lover not being faithful, but you are not faithful yourself.

 

you are obviously quite confused and not seeing the situation clearly, and the best way to deal with that is to talk to a therapist who will help you work through your emotions and look at the reality of the situation... you can work your way back into your marriage, but not if you are still focusing on other men, even if the only focus there is your anger and jealousy.

[Donnyboy]

I think your husband needs to wake up, smell the coffee & get a good lawyer. You appear from your posts to be completely self obsessed & good old dopey husband just goes along with you. You have made a complete fool of him. You have betrayed him, and then rubbed his nose in it. I'm embarrased on his behalf. Sometimes you never know how much something means to you till it's gone. I think you will find out how much your husband means to you some day, soon.

[everythingchanges456]

Thanks for the advice, you have made me feel better. I am going to stay with husband. I just feel I need to get some kind of revenge because of the other man betraying me but for now im just going to work on my marriage and making it work because I do love my husband.

 

I think that I probably relate well to the relationship you have with your husband versus with the man you're having an affair with. For you, your husband is your comfort, security...he is what you know...what you're used to and whom you've come to depend on. I'm sure you love him very much. Your passion though...may be lacking. That's where this other relationship comes in. Perhaps the man you are cheating with is not such a great match for you...especially if you say he is abusive...then he definitely is not but what he's doing for you is filling a void that you have in your life. You wrote above about feeling like you need revenge against the other man...I'm learning the best revenge...is to not need them...not look back, not reach out...it's NOT easy but THAT is the most powerful and is also healing for you at the same time if you can do it.

 

I think you seem to have a good relationship with your husband...and you have children together so you should try to talk with your husband...lay out there all that you're thinking/feeling and TRY.

 

I wish you well.

[everythingchanges456]

I think your husband needs to wake up, smell the coffee & get a good lawyer. You appear from your posts to be completely self obsessed & good old dopey husband just goes along with you. You have made a complete fool of him. You have betrayed him, and then rubbed his nose in it. I'm embarrased on his behalf. Sometimes you never know how much something means to you till it's gone. I think you will find out how much your husband means to you some day, soon.

 

I had to add something as I just read the post above me. I think that your husband probably just loves you and wants to hold on to what he has and make it work...again, I think it's the comfort factor. NO it's NOT fair for him to sit by and let you cheat and accept it. HE deserves better than that. Now that he knows...he should be able to express...in anger, tears, questions, space apart... whatever he is feeling so that it can be DEALT with. If you think in your soul that this is not the end and you may go back to the other man or someone else...then you should be honest with both YOURSELF and your husband about that ... otherwise...you are hurting him intentionally. If you want to focus on your marriage then talk it all out and give it the time and attention to see if you both can make it work.

 

I'm going through a break up myself at the moment...and my emotions change from day to day...and this is all merely my opinion. I really wish you the well.