Insecurity

[fnlyfrei]

Hi all.

 

Having a bad day here...perhaps it's hormones...perhaps I am a basket case.

My fiance' has a myspace...which he started after we met, he added me, his daughter...and a 21 year old co-worker named "Daniela" who is a FRIEND he used to work with at a restaurant. Okay, he said he also dated some un-named co-worker who was rather young...in her 20's when he worked there..and upset some people. (he is now 42..I am 41....Daniela dear is 21...and gorgeous...) I do not know if it is the same chick....probably shouldn't matter. SHe changed her pic today on her myspace. She is now clad in a very small bikini with long hair flowing...I hate her.

I guess I am not only worried if he wishes he had young stuff like her....and I hope if he does...he breaks off the engagement. I am, after all....NOT 21. He says he loves me...blah, blah, blah. I know I am letting insecurities get the best of me. Is there a confidence pill I could take? Should I hook up with a really ugly man who is in his 90's who never leaves the house? (just half-kidding) Okay, fire away..I know I sound poopy.....

[annie24]

ulk, myspace. ulk.

 

look, you are a stunning woman, why wouldn't he want you? Is he kind to you? Does he make you feel attractive?

[terk2021]

fn,

 

Sorry to hear what you are going through. You are 41, and have a lot to offer. I am not on myspace, but I do have friends on it. I would be curious as to why he would have someone like that on there, or be on there. Again, I am in no position to judge why people are on that site. Marriage is a serious committment. If you have doubts, you should confront him about it. I am in no position to advise you to go one way or the other, but going into a marriage should be about 100% trust and committment. Do you feel you have that with him?

 

I came close to marriage twice in the past 4 years. Each time it did not work out. Once was because she just was not ready to make that committment, the other was I was not sure if I could trust her for the next 40-50 years. If this is the man you want to be with for the rest of your life, then I would sit down with him and let him know how you feel.

 

I wish you the best.

 

Terk

[fnlyfrei]

Actually, I wanted to play it cool and show how very secure I was by NOT mentioning it to him..but I did. Perhaps I am nervous about getting married and look for even pink flags...even weakly waving. He, of course...tells me I am worried over nothing...which maybe I am.

Myspace is fun, I have friends I keep in touch with who I know in real life through the site...and sure, when I was dating...there was myspace drama with someone I met on a dating site who was a real cassanova...but it is what you make it. I know it is a matter of trust. If someone wanted to cheat on you they will, there is nothing you can do about it. I guess the only sure way to keep that from happening is to remain alone. I guess I just want to make sure that I am not making a stupid choice BEFORE I finish planning this wedding. Sometimes he seems too good to be true.

[Shadows Light]

You are a stunningly gorgeous woman!!!! That being said...you know and I know... and any one else worth their salt that the older we get, we age like fine wine. Would you really want to be 20 year's old again???

 

Yep... I had a tight little body back then... but hell if I knew how to use it properly and my gray matter was mush.

 

Life begins at "40" for us women. So chill.

 

Feel for ya though... you've got some stones to plan a wedding. I couldn't jump into the deep end again. Hell... I see RED FLAGS, PINK FLAGS, MULTI-COLORED RAINBOW FLAGS......

 

Thats the down side of being our age.... been there done that been burned syndrome.

 

My grand-mother always told me if you have to keep a dog on a leash... he ain't worth keeping. And if you put him out in the back-yard and have to keep checking up on him to make sure he doesn't jump the fence..... well maybe you shouldn't be a dog owner.

 

So there you go. If they are gonna cheat.... they will cheat. And there's not a darned thing you can do about it.

 

Get rid of that little green eyed monster darlin.... cause there is NOTHING that kills it for me quicker than JEALOUSY. Dated someone once who would notice if people so much as looked my direction.... eeeeeeekkkk. Not good.

[shikashika]

fnlyfrei, is that you in your avatar? If so you are GORGEOUS!.. and I don't sugar-coat anything.. if not I can do the opposite ha ha..

 

i never got inducted into the myspace thing... but I do know that people add anyone and everyone, people they work with, people they took a class with 8 years ago. etc etc.

 

Is the myspace add of the young girl the only thing that bothers you or is there something else and now you have a 'reason'??

[kmartin85]

Myspace is the devil. I deleted mine when I realized that my 14 year old sister had one and I do not need that high school drama any longer. I understand where you are coming from though. Its understandable. Girls are naturally what I like to call "haters." Its put into our chemical make up I believe. I would just monitor the situation and if anything gets out of hand then speak up, if it just stays friendly then i would probably keep it to yourself.

[fnlyfrei]

I know jealousy is ugly. Bleah. I hate feeling this way ! I know logically how to act. We had a long discussion about it, and I am fully aware of how stupid I make myself look. I have been on the other end of jealousy and I did not enjoy it. It isn't a compliment. It's creepy. I know every time I act like that it is one step closer to the end of the relationship. How do I hide how I feel? OR how do I stop feeling like that? Any ideas?

[Shadows Light]

I've only been on the GREEN EYED monster side once. And it was a horrible feeling. Everyone's reasoning is unique. My insecurity was based on lack of intimacy with my partner..... and when the green eyed monster hit.. it had a TARGET. I targeted a young chicky babe who was just an innocent by-standard.

 

I thnk the way you attack the problem is look for what is at the CORE. Jealousy is symptom and not what lies at the bottom of this insecurity.

 

I have never since been bitten by that green eyed monster. And when I see it in someone else directed at me.... well you've already stated it... CREEPY.

[Cadence308]

You are a stunning woman and I think it's normal to feel jealous of this old co-worker. Communication is key here. You need to tell your fiance how you are feeling. If he spends all of his time on there, chatting with Daniela then I would definitely have pink flags up. I think jealousy is a normal human emotion. I'm not sure how to get over it. We feel it when we feel like our relationship with someone is being threatened. When you figure out how to get over it, email me.

[Scout]

Did you say you asked him about her being on his Myspace page? I know if it was me, I wouldn't be able to resist asking, "Is that the young woman you used to see at work?? How did you two find each other on MySpace????"

[fnlyfrei]

Well, a while ago...before Daniela showed up on his myspace, I asked him...(being 42 and divorced for 14 years) who was the youngest woman he dated....crickets...he never answered.

On another date, when I suppose he was opening up to me more, he told me the story of the 22 year old he had an affair with...affair because I guess it turned into the scandal of the restaurant...and that he was unfairly forced to resign because the other older women were jealous...(okay, whatever..that was the past) But I am possibly unfairly connecting this VERY young chickie with him...she must have been only 19 when they worked together. He says she found HIM....so they added one another. There is me...his 18 year old daughter...and the hottie. I just notice that when there is a young woman around his eyes light up...so yeah..that irritates me. I wish he would hide it better. I have brought up Daniela...he says I am unfair, and that he should be allowed to have friends. I do not know what kind of contact they have, if they mail one another or talk on messenger. I haven't a clue. I guess I shouldnt jump to conclusions about how he feels until I have some sort of basis.

 

 

And no, I haven't point blank asked him if she was the woman in question that he cared about....and if it was, or is....yeah...I would have a problem with it.

[Scout]

And no, I haven't point blank asked him if she was the woman in question that he cared about....

 

He's your fiance. Why shouldn't you ask him this?

[heloladies21]

He hasn't said the right things to alleviate your insecurities. So no matter what kind of good qualities he possesses as a man, he still lacks skill in the relationship (communication) department.

 

Ultimately it's all gonna be his fault as the guy always gets either the credit or the blame--whether the relationship succeeds or fails--but I still stick with my original prediction that you two will break up, most likely with you dumping him.

[Scout]

He hasn't said the right things to alleviate your insecurities. So no matter what kind of good qualities he possesses as a man, he still lacks skill in the relationship (communication) department.

 

Ultimately it's all gonna be his fault as the guy always gets either the credit or the blame--whether the relationship succeeds or fails--but I still stick with my original prediction that you two will break up, most likely with you dumping him.

 

Kind of a bleak assessment there, heloladies.

[caro33]

I agree with your first point heloladies21, but your second set of statements has me a little perplexed.

 

I won't even touch the one about men being blamed etc. However, I am interested why you say to fnlyfrei that her relationship will end. It would seem an extreme response to someone planning her marriage and concerned about a myspace "friend".

[fnlyfrei]

Wow helo....you still doom this relationship..sigh...

 

I guess what I am fully aware of is that it isn't HIM...it is a great deal of me. I have a multitude of things to work on, possibly until the day I croak...but the main thing is that I am aware...usually...eventually...of what is ME and when another person tries to use the "you are screwed up" card in order to tell me what's wrong with me. Sometimes I second guess myself and am convinced that it is completely me...only to learn that it wasn't ALL me.

I went from an abusive situation, into a foster home, into another abusive situation, then straight into a marriage at a young age...without a clue about how people were supposed to treat me. Okay, there were a few good people, and I did learn lots from them.(Thank goodness) I guess when you have been lied to, betrayed, ignored and physically and mentally beat down you start to wonder if it is YOU. Even IF you were a child...even if other people bring their own baggage and ghosts into the relationship. So, yeah, I probably over-analyze EVERYTHING. I am working on it.

I do not blame him for any of that...and I am letting him know full well what he is getting into. If it does not work out, I will take full responsibility for my part in the relationships failure. If we prove you wrong helo....which I hope to do...I will give equal credit to him for his patience.

[heloladies21]

I'm sorry to be so bleak, but I've seen too many break ups to not notice the trend (I'm not jaded, I'm in a successful relationship and know how to keep one so it is very much possible if the guy knows what he's doing). Any time a girl in the relationship expresses any kind of insecurity that goes unsolved (guy's job to solve it), the problem festers until the eventual explosion of a dumping. It always ends the same. I've never seen it just go away.

 

There's only one solution to this, the guy has to come to a realization that he's handling things the wrong way and fix it.

[fnlyfrei]

UPDATE:

 

I went to his myspace after we talked for a few hours...and although I tried to reassure him that this was MY thing to get over/work out...he deleted her...then left a blog about how much he loved me. Um, so, I still feel like a creep. That is jealousy and insecurity for you....did I win? Not really.

[annie24]

He's allowed to have friends, of course, just it sounds like Daniela would be a better friend for his DAUGHTER! Especially since you know that he had a fling with the younger woman, and he wouldn't tell you if it is daniela or not, then I don't blame you for feeling kind of.... insecure. It would be a red flag to me, and I think you handled things as best as you could.

 

It's good that he got rid of her. I've seen some similar situations on here where the other refuses to delete some "myspace friends" and that seems like it can be a warning sign. They aren't willing to delete a myspace friend, but don't mind completely upsetting their SO to the point where they may walk? bad news....

[fnlyfrei]

Well, I am not adverse to "myspace"...I used to belong to a few dating sites...so did he. I think if I found out he was still trolling and sending messages THERE I would be completely finished with him.

This girl (girl) used to work at a different restaurant with him, and he used to confide in her over his relationship issues. He states they were truly only friends. Fine....but I asked him why he couldn't have had more plain looking, older friends.... Confiding in someone so much younger and inexperienced doesn't make much sense to me, so I think he probably liked her as well. No worries. I just did not appreciate her nearly naked picture alongside his daughters picture and mine. Call me a jealous jerk.

He deleted her on his own. I never asked him to do that. I have agreed to work on my jealousy issues....which I will. Maybe if I work on diet and excersize more, I will feel more self-confident and I won't be so concerned about whom he looks at.