What you think vs. what they want to hear

[Lava Rocks]

I'm big on telling it like it is and I've found that the majority of people I meet would truly rather that I tell them what they want to hear. When a friend says to me "be honest," I'm not going to blow smoke up their patootie just for the sake of it. I expect the same from them. I absolutely abhor people telling me what they think is the polite thing to say just so they won't ruffle any feathers. Don't get me wrong, I never say anything to intentionally hurt anyone's feelings. It is often something very benign, just not really what the person wants to hear (like telling a friend she might want to rethink buying a $400 pair of shoes when she's spent the last two hours complaining about how much debt she's in.) I've found that honesty such as this just isn't an attractive quality to most people. They want the person to say, "yeah, buy the shoes!" And then they want to be able to come back and b***h about it for another three hours when it comes back to bite them.

 

This used to get me into a lot of trouble, especially when I didn't know people very well. So I had to resort to some sort of verbal disclaimer, "do you want me to tell you what I think or what you want to hear?" What do they always say? "Tell me what you REALLY THINK." What do they ALWAYS expect me to say? What they want to hear. It's very difficult for me to not say what's on my mind. Does anyone else do this and what do you do about it so you don't get everyone's blood boiling?

[EvaGina]

 

I know exactly what you mean!

Or when you dont say anything becuase you know they will get upset... and they get all iffy anyways!

[kmartin85]

i am the exact same way, and i have to put out the exact same disclaimer. but ive gotten to the point where if someone asks me im going to tell them and i really dont care if it hurts their feelings because THEY ASKED. im not going to lie to them..then they would get mad at me for lying..so i stick with the truth, the truth hurts

[melrich]

I think it is fine to be honest with people as long as it doesn't involve personally insulting them.

 

But if you are going to adopt a "tell it like it is" attitude you need to be careful and tactful about how you go about it. There are nice/polite ways to say things and there are rude, in your face ways of saying the same things.

 

It's often not what you say but how you say it.

[EvaGina]

I think it is fine to be honest with people as long as it doesn't involve personally insulting them.

 

But if you are going to adopt a "tell it like it is" attitude you need to be careful and tactful about how you go about it. There are nice/polite ways to say things and there are rude, in your face ways of saying the same things.

 

It's often not what you say but how you say it.

 

EXACTLY

I have a friend who tells you things even if you dont ask

we worked at the same cafe, I was wearing my ex;s t shirt (I was hung over, badly, working in the kitchen, like I care what I look like!!) he walks past and tells me how bad the guys t shirt looked!!

 

I yelled at him and pointed out that his additude was so bad people were changing shifts so they wouldnt have to work with him... he got better after that.

 

Now I say "is there a REASON you're such a ?" when hes being ak nob, he gets it now

[CarnelianButterfly]

I think it is fine to be honest with people as long as it doesn't involve personally insulting them.

 

But if you are going to adopt a "tell it like it is" attitude you need to be careful and tactful about how you go about it. There are nice/polite ways to say things and there are rude, in your face ways of saying the same things.

 

It's often not what you say but how you say it.

I agree, being honest and being tactful is so much more considerate.

 

I think there are a lot of people that say "I'm just being honest" when they are really being rude or have no sense of compassion.

 

Instead of saying, you look trashy in that outfit, say something like, you look so much better in such and such outfit.

 

It might be easier for people to take an honest opinion if you focus on a positive aspect and not always pointing out flaws or negatives.

[HellFrost666]

Most people can't handle what other people really think... It's sad, but true.

 

To the original poster... the problem is them not you. I am brutally honest too. I know how you feel.

[Aurian]

mmm... I am honest (I'm a lousy fib, world's worst poker player here!). If someone asks me what they think, I tell them what I think, albeit in very diplomatic terms.

 

For example, $400 shoes? Inside I am going "ARE YOU NUTS LADY??!" but verbally I would say "They do look nice, but I'm not sure any shoe is worth that much money!" That gets them to think about the cost...

[mintblossom]

i am very honest. but not for any other person. it's for myself to maintain my own integrity and values. i just dont want to be one of those liars out there. i hate liars.

[Aurian]

Yeah, I feel the same way, which is probably why I suck at lying. I think people who know me appreciate that they'll get an honest opinion - praise from me is genuine, not shallow bs!

[caro33]

I can't lie to save myself, and have a habit of being kind of...don't know how to describe...penetrating and judgemental in my assessments.

 

I have been able to get away with it mostly though. I have also had to do the "do you really want to know" thing, which I agree does not protect but is a form of disclaimer. I have found that I can say what I think as long as I try and show I am empathetic, I show positive aspects of what they are doing, I show that I don't think I have the right answer or that my perception is necessarily correct, but "this might be how it looks...."

 

I used to work for government in a demanding role with rather precious internal and external stakeholders so I think that also helped my ability to woffle around diplomacy .

[Lava Rocks]

I don't think I'm overly negative or always play devil's advocate, and I do try to be tactful (especially with the touchy subjects.) I'd never tell someone they looked like a cow in a tubetop! I think there's a difference between people who just tell it like it is to be hurtful and those who tell it like it is because they care.

But even so, some people just can't see this and think I'm being overly negative because I don't make everything out to be sweetness and candy all the time. It annoys me.