every 21 days - war stories/survival

[TheFoglifter]

OK, so to all the guys in long term relationships... do you just pretty much accept that every 21 days you have to dance on eggshells and be walked on?

 

I do not mean to belittle the period, and I know it gets pretty intense and that she has even said sometimes its like she isn't even in control...

 

But come on -- today for the egregious and unforgivable sin of not screwing the top tightly enough on the mouthwash, I had to deal with the silent treatment and then get shouted out of the apartment. It was like -- we talked it out (its not like it was even a big deal) and then all of a sudden, she is ignoring me. When I try to find out what I've done wrong now, I committed the parallel sin of not leaving her alone, which compounds her fury and now I'm getting yelled at.

 

I have begun tracking her cycle via an online tool so at least I have an idea of when its coming, but what other tips are there besides just laying down on my back and praying that CVS doesn't run out of mint milanos?

[GQstatus]

lmao man you crack me up. "I have begun tracking her cycle via an online tool"...when I get into my next relationship, I will be PMing you to ask for this tracker.

 

I know when I am in a relationship, and this time of the month comes around, I try to keep my mouth shut, and just smile and nod, no matter what. Ask her if she needs anything. A food rub, a pound of chocolate, some midol...

[Bankers24]

Since you are tracking it...why don't you bring her flowers or something? Put her in a good mood. For a woman, you get cranky about that time of month becuase you feel fat, tired, gross, and you are in pain. It is really not fun for the first day or so but gets better after that. Just be extra sweet to her.

 

However, IMHO, I think that a girl can control her actions no matter what time of the month it is. She has no reason to treat you like she did. I will admit that I can get a little bit edgy when it is my time, but I try to control it and/or I will apologize and ask for patience. She ultimately has control over her actions, you may want to bring it up and tell her that it hurts your feelings. BUT only bring it up when she is not on her period...LOL!

[TheFoglifter]

The purpose of tracking it was so that I could "pre-empt" it and plan a few nice things. While I haven't gotten it down exact yet (I am not 100% sure it even started today, as the estimation isn't until next week) I am hopeful that in another month or so I will have a good idea of when I need to start being extra good.

 

The problem is, even the TINIEST little thing can cause ripples in the pond. I didn't screw the mouthwash cap on tightly enough, and it resulted in disaster. Come on! How the hell was I supposed to hedge that out, I was tired and it seemed so insignificant. She isn't a morning person, so add the "bonus round" on top of that and it amplifies the reaction. I'm sorry but I just can't eliminate every tiny little variable that just might cause a negative reaction.

 

I'm also wondering whether she can be "trained" to control herself. I mean, if I jump for fear and bend over backwards every time it happens, she has no reason to change. If she loses her temper and I put my fist through the wall, it might be a different story?

[Bankers24]

Ok, first off, don't put your fist through the wall. All that would do for me is make me think you might HIT ME next time and I would be GONE!

 

Secondly, talk to her and see if she just won't tell you when she starts her period. When I have been in long term relationships, I have always warned the guy by saying something as simple as "I have cramps today" or "I started this morning". It automatically tells him to be a little considerate. I would suggest that you suggest this to her so that you don't have to play the guessing game.

 

Lastly, I do think that the cap on the mouthwash is a stupid thing to get angry over and you could not have done anything to make it better - except maybe putting the cap on tighter... Like I said, wait until you are sure that she is in a good mood, not on her period, and bring home some flowers and then sit down and tell her that you need to talk.

[TheFoglifter]

Well she called to apologize, as I knew she would eventually so all hope isn't lost. I do accept that there will always be something I can't avoid, but I really wish I didn't have to be at its mercy.

 

It has always been my assertion that putting my fist through the wall (or some similar release) is a guarantee that I won't put a hand on her. I am confident we can all agree that bottled up anger has the tendency to release at moments when we are NOT in control. Last thing I would want is to one day have a rage blackout and not be in control. I'm sure the "I didn't know what I was doing" excuse that seems to exonerate women from PMS would not exonerate me in that case.

 

My general point (not to get too wrapped up in the example) is that when consequences are not severe enough to alter behavior, people will not change. We see this all around us, from interpersonal relations, to formal training, to discipline, to legal. If the consequence is not severe enough, people will gladly bear the consequence to continue the behavior. If the consequence IS severe enough, the behavior changes.

 

I am NOT going to end up as one of those hateful 40 year old men who spend every second of every day tip-toeing around, and who completely reverse course and bend over at the slightest hint of female displeasure. I might as well be dead.

[DN]

Although PMS must be debilitating and frustrating it is not fair in any way for her to transfer that on to you and the relationship.

 

If she were to behave like that at work she would be told to get medical assistance to help alleviate the symptoms and curtail her behaviour or she would eventually be terminated. And the same thing should apply in a relationship - although it should be expressed more tactfully.

 

Many people suffer illness and it can cause behaviour ranging from crankiness to outright abuse - but that does not mean it should be tolerated. The condition is controllable medically, at least to an extent, but the behaviour is controllable. Few women behave badly when they have PMS if they are in the early stages of a relationship and if they can control it then then they can control it later.

 

Nor should you have to try to minimise the attacks on you by bribery - flowers and such like. Just as at any other time when someone is feeling less than stellar it is right to be supportive and kind and understanding - but not the extent of tolerating abuse - even mild abuse.

[Siriana]

HI!

 

This time of the month is really horrible for us.

It's hard to control yourself. Really hard.

Depending on the person, some girls tend to be sad and crying some are aggressive and fighting (thats me).

 

For example - if I'm in Pms and driving a car and someone dares to horn - I get this huge urge to come out of the car to beat the person up (no, didn't do it).

 

Every single thing that doesn't annoy me usually, annoys me a little when in PMS, what annoys me little annoys me big time, and what usually annoys me big time during the PMS is a cause for starting a war!

 

So I don't mind my bf not closing the doors of the room usually, but during PMS it bothers be somewhat.

I moderately mind my bf putting tv too loud but during pms I want to yell at him to turn it off.

When someone horns to me on a street while driving - I hate that always, but if I'm in PMS I want to "kill" that person.

 

 

After I figured out I can't walk around completely "crazy" 5 days a month I decided to be shure when my period is starting each month so now I at least know that I'm in that time of the month and that helps because:

- I know I'm not crazy but my hormones are going wild

- I know I might overreact so I count to 10 before reacting (not always possible, sometimes I snap)

- I still overreacted after that so I decided to take herbal suplements (based on valerian) during my pms and it helped a lot. I am 70 % better after that.

 

My bf still knows when I am in PMS but he says he suffers less than before.

 

So if you know she's in PMS but it's just normal PMS you need to live with it - especcialy if she's doing everything she can to make her symptoms less paintfull. Buy her a nice chocolate and make something to eat instead of her for the two of you.

 

If she's going through PMS and it never occurred to her to take something natural to ease her emotional outbursts start putting drugs in her food while she's in PMS. JUST KIDDING

 

When her PMS is over have a nice talk with her.

STEP ONE:

Ask her how she feels during PMS (and listen to her, pretend you're really interested in that, act like you sympathise with her and ask a lot of questions, hug her...blah, blah, blah...).

That first step is important because if you miss it you're dead. lol

STEP TWO:

Act like you have no idea and ask are there some natural stuff you could try to feel better?

Liste to what she says. Act like you are really interested in the things she's saying. Give support NOT SOLUTIONS.

Than say how much you hurt and give an example that caused you feel like you're not a good bf. Explain to her how you felt you're a horrible bf and all sad and blah, blah, blah.....

STEP THREE:

Suggest you two to go online togehter to see what natural product are available.

 

GOOD LUCK!

I do sympathise with you.

[TheFoglifter]

I guess that proves my point about severe consequences changing behavior. One can control oneself when one risks unemployment.

 

Next time she pulls that crap, she's getting pwned.

 

Actually I feel a lot of it is jekyll and hyde kind of stuff. I was able to leave rather calm once it clicked in my head that it was that time of the month. We have talked, she usually does tell me (after the fact) and I've tried the "is there anything I can do".

 

I guess I really am trying to avoid the unavoidable. There's always going to be that one little thing that is cause for war. Its probably my own fault for being "understanding". I was raised to think that women deserved unlimited patience and boy is that backfiring.

[Siriana]

Menopause is an older evil broder of PMS lol!

[ghost69]

i've never really had a problem with a woman at that time of the month. it has always been smooth with me. never really had the psycho chicks taht just straight up go nuts. you don't see me flipping out when i cut my hand.

[stressed mess]

Yikes! I've never felt much of a change during that time. It's not like it's so horrible that I turn into a monster! Sad to say, but I honestly think that people who act out like that are using PMS as an excuse to be bratty or release pent-up anger. Yeah, there are cramps and yeah, it's an inconvenience but after years and years of having your period you should be used to it and accept it as part of your life. If the cramps are debilitating, then she might want to get checked for endometriosis or some other medical condition. While it's annoying and sometimes painful, it's no excuse to explode over trivial matters.

[Dako]

That sounds horrible.

I think most women learn to compensate for the mood swings without injuring bystanders. I've never actually encountered a woman who can't temper her irritation at that time, even during menopause.

 

She should be able to adapt, if she tries.

[DN]

This illustates my point - and good for you syrix. You recognised the problem, realised it was your problem and did something about it. And your boyfriend responsed as he should have. Good advice as to how to proceed too.

[ghost69]

just leave for a week while she is going through it. lock your doors and turn off the phone. it will pass.

[ImThatGirl]

I am all smiles here. And laughed a bit too.

 

I understand and agree with many of the points made in the thread.

 

And confession to make: I'm one of those girls whose boyfriend says every month "you must be on your period" or "I figured you must have started because you changed your mood in a day."

 

Now.... What I have to say about it.

 

I am quite positive that if things were the way I expect them to be and I was happy with my relationship, that I wouldn't be upset (at him) while pms'ing. I might instead be in a frenzy over not being able to find something to wear.

 

I too, realize that I can be more emotional and temperamental during my period.

 

However, the thing that bothers me is that --- somethings just bother me in general at all times (things within my relationship.) When I'm on, sometimes I just get to the point that I'm ready and willing to discuss those things. It's not necessarily that I am only upset about those things because I'm on. Those things are always issues, I just sweep them under the rug usually.

 

Is it possible that you not putting the mouthwash lid on tightly enough is something that has always bothered her but she's just not mentioned it?

 

Not that any of this makes it any better for you....

 

But I can tell you that a guy saying "Ohhh it's because of your period, I get it" basically says to me that "This really isn't an issue what we are discussing. It's only because your period and I know it's ONLY because you are temperamental right now."

[TheFoglifter]

I don't think I'm a habitual mouthwash cap not-screwer-onner. It is entirely possible that today represented the 157th time I did it, and enough was enough.

 

My personal viewpoint is that the cost of remedy on her part (its not like it was "off") is not deserving of the reaction. It would be like me insulting 4 generation of her family because she neglected to arrange the spices alphabetically.

 

Plus, I am so focused in trying to avoid making BIG mistakes (like forgetting to wash dishes, or forgetting to take out the trash, or leaving the sink running, or whatever...) that inevitably, something small is going to slip through.

 

Of course the other way to look at it is besides some flapping of the gums, what can she really do? Its not like sex can be withheld, we wouldn't be having it anyway. Oh how I yearn to turn off my care switch and walk with immunity.

[ImThatGirl]

lolololololol

 

I'm gonna have to come back to respond when I'm done laughing so hard!

[fnlyfrei]

The pms counter? I would like one for myself...mine is awful and I don't even realize that is what is until it's too late..and I have acted like a monster. And it is for two weeks before...it seems like half my life is spent steered by my hormones. Not fun for anyone.

[TheFoglifter]

If you have a palm OS based handheld device, there are about 4 free applications on link removed or link removed which can track it for you. There are also some online sites where you can have a calendar, but some of them require a membership.

 

It also takes time to fine tune the prediction. If I had a years worth of data, I could probably predict it down to the hour with high accuracy, but its going to take time.

[ImThatGirl]

I applaud you for taking a pro-active approach to this Fog. lol Maybe you can perfect your approach and offer seminars for the men that can't! With your humor, intelligence, experience, and knowledge, you'd be a godsend to many men and women!!!

 

I agree though - she is probably over-reacting given the circumstances!

[TheFoglifter]

Thank you very much.

 

I've actually had the same idea about seminars in which women teach other women the importance of not equating money to love, that there is no substitute for keeping passion alive, and that compromise really does mean 50/50.

[ImThatGirl]

Thank you very much.

 

I've actually had the same idea about seminars in which women teach other women the importance of not equating money to love, that there is no substitute for keeping passion alive, and that compromise really does mean 50/50.

 

And if we could just teach men the same thing! (Yep some of them need that training too!)

 

Let's do it! Let's start training on these things!

[ghost69]

i don't need tips on this subject. i know i did nothing wrong. just sit back and watch them yell at you. they will tire.

[ImThatGirl]

i don't need tips on this subject. i know i did nothing wrong. just sit back and watch them yell at you. they will tire.

 

Heheheheheheh!!!!!!!

 

You guys are the best!!!!

 

So according to your post, Ghost, I can just keep griping and griping and griping, eh? And afterall, it is justified by it being that time of month. It's expected so may as well!

 

j/k